I am thoroughly exhausted. Sunday night I got 3 hours of sleep but I loved it because after 12:30-ish I felt AMAZING, like a sudden burst of happiness and energy and for once everything seemed like it would be back on track. I've been having trouble concentrating and focusing to finish all my work, so I've been falling behind and screwing up, which is not like someone in the top ten people of their class. Staying up late by fighting through the excessive exhaustion just prior to adrenaline boosts reminded me what it felt like to be energized, excited, in control, and actually able to get all my work done. I hoped I could feel it again. The following school day was very productive, because I could overcome minor mental impairment and slowness with impressive energy and motivation. I also had a GSA meeting and I was actually animated and inspiring!

So then I did it again last night because I just couldn't concentrate, but I got 3.5 hours this time and managed to get a bunch of materials together for my NASA internship application (yep, I'm psycho like that). Today wasn't nearly as good. I was great at first, but then I noticed throughout the day that I was feeling kind of sick and had stomach pain. This gave way to noticeable sickness, headaches, and exhaustion. So much for adrenaline. I absolutely need to become a polyphasic sleeper on either the Everyman or Uberman schedule (look it up, it's fascinating) which (after the hellish adjustment period of 1-2 weeks) allows you to function perfectly on 2 hours of sleep a day formed by several naps at regular intervals.

I've been worried about my inability to concentrate because it's affecting my schoolwork and personal life. I've been dealing with a combination of insomnia, mild depression, a poor self-image, and very low self-esteem. I need to fix this BEFORE I go to college, especially if I get into my first choice, MIT.

On another note, I'm still trying to deal with strongly liking a straight friend I'll call "DS." He definitely straight, but I can't help myself. He's not my usually type, except for that tight, lean, muscular, incredible body, but if he were actually gay or bi we would probably work. It's just frustrating because of the lack of actual gay guys in my area and the fact that with the few chances I've had to make a move I either screwed up or was too late. Plus, I see him almost every day. Of course he has no clue and we still have a good time around each other, but I'm afraid I'll slip or do something stupid like one friend I know. This is a common scenario and I should just get over it, but I've never been kissed or had a relationship and at 17 that's hard for me, especially with my emotional problems and the fact that I love to cuddle, sometimes crave attention, and don't really have anyone to hold me and be there when I really need it and just make me feel loved.

So much bitching.

On a lighter note I love my green shirt form Hollister. Several years ago and I would have gladly torched the store (it was my semi-goth phase, the year I first told someone). These days I love fashion and bright colors.

Also on another note, these are the piercings I am planning to get once I escape to college:

• One small plug in my right earlobe.

• One small plug in my left earlobe.
• One barbell in my right eyebrow.
• (MAYBE) One tongue stud.
• (MAYBE) One ring or plug in the upper cartilage of one of my ears.
  

  My parents won't even recognize me when I come home during Christmas since I'll probably be dying my hair.

  PEACE!

So I'd like to congratulate myself on one of my recent displays of poor judgment. I decided to procrastinate reading Kafka's The Metamorphosis (which is a little odd, mind you, and LONG - short story my ass) and writing the two essays for my AP Literature class. I'm still on the second essay because I can't even think right now. Aside from my perpetual exhaustion (going on several weeks now), this weekend was not supremely enjoyable, my abs really hurt, and pictures of pandas are no longer the answer to every problem in life.

But that's just me bitching.

So, I still have to finish my Macbeth essay and prepare to run my GSA's meeting tomorrow. I am so excited for the National Day of Silence, which is kind of ironic considering what it represents, as well as for our Movie Nite on the same day. We're showing The Laramie Project along with a local documentary. It'll be awesome because we reserved our school's auditorium and it's giant 25+ foot tall projector screen. YES!

Now if you'd allow me to degenerate into the topic of mindless drivel...

Current Thoughts:

• I am so screwed for this essay.
• I need to get my friends phone numbers.
• I have some horrible moody version of senioritis.
• My hair is a mop in need of cutting and better styling.
• I really want some piercings.
• I can't bear to wait until Saturday for MIT's admissions decision.
• Guinea pigs are unbelievably cute.

Happy Monday Y'all. IT BEGINS.

Well I should have saved because I just tried to write an introduction and clicked on the wrong thing so it erased EVERTHING. Sweet. NEW BLOGGER TIME!!!

Let me run through myself quickly. I am an openly gay 17 year old male living in Upstate New York with my two should-be-divorced-but-aren't parents and my psychotic cat, Cali. I do sculpture, acting, dance, photography, singing, and music composition. Unlike most seniors I push myself very hard (I'm near the top of my class and am currently taking 6APs...kill me) and I'm hoping to go to MIT for Physics, but I have yet to receive a response. My favorite music genres are electronic/electroclash, alternative/indie, pop, dance, etc. I'm the founder and president of my school's Gay-Straight Alliance (this year). I've been a vegan for over a year and consider myself a secular humanist (but don't call me an atheist, because my beliefs are slightly different and represent a different focus).

On a note: I am single and have never had a relationship, leading to a constant source of traditional teenage angst, which is the REAL cause of global warming.

Let me take a moment to introduce you to people you'll be hearing of in the future:

DL - My main current crush object (17, birthday around three weeks before mine). Cute gay guy in the GSA with several piercings including a tongue stud, he's a stable boyfriend but a bit of slut when single, talented sculptor and photographer, amazing body, somewhat a friend of mine. It's still difficult for me to talk normally with him, adding to my frustration and confusion because he's so cute and so talented (fairly smart too - those are some good genes) BUT he has a boyfriend that he snapped while I was trying to slowly become friends with him. Oh and he tends to like the spectrum of black guys, which I am certainly not.

CC - DL's boytoy/boyfriend, a 16 yo junior at some school. Also has a good body. Bit of an attention whore.

VG - My best friend, though we've been slowly drifting apart this year so I'm not sure what to call her anymore. We've been close for over two years and I've loved it. We help with each other's problems, though we've had our share of fights (actually just her yelling at me and me saying I'm sorry, because I'm a passive/peaceful type of person) and tears.

Dad & Mom - Self-explanatory.

HB - My ex-main crush object and first guy that I liked that was actually gay. I met him during Carnegie Mellon Pre-College '07. He's a gorgeous, very outgoing, talented California boy who was there for musical theater (cliche, I know, be he's actually very smart). Things ended badly after I couldn't deal with my feelings for him well and after feeling ignored for a period of time after the program I wrote this scathing love/hate letter that I've regretted ever since (one of many regrets). he probably thinks I'm crazy, which I am, but in a bad way. We only talk now on a very brief and infrequent occasion.

Thank you and have a pleasant Sunday. I personally have the joy of reading Kaftka's Metamorphoses, writing two essays, preparing for tomorrow's GSA meeting, gathering stuff together for my NASA internship application, and spending several hours volunteering at an Easter Carnival for National Honor Society. Pure happiness.

Peace!