sooo in my last blog i talked a lil about how i had to see my lawyer today about the case agenst the guy that abused me.. well i thought it was just going to be some thing where they asked me stuff about what happened or tell me things about testifying.... how wrong was i? well we got to the law office and my lawyers took my mother and i to a confrence room. she started talking about how hard it is in cases like these to prove the guilt of someone caz its mainly here say... then she droped the bomb.. they had to drop the case. there was no evidence to prove he really abused me. sooo he is free now. off to live his life happily. the best they could do was get a new restraining order for me. but that really does not make me feel safe. its really not the fact that i did not get the justice i was promised but more so the fact the he has a little girl who is a lil older then i was when the abuse started... or when i think about all the people he could or has hurt. i never want that pain for another person. no one should ever go through it. so yeaa.. im depressed. i dont know what to do at this point. i dont think there is anything i can do.

my sisters friend just droped by our house and gave us a kitten!
shes sooo cute!!

"cheer up and dry your damp eyes and tell me when it rains and i'll blend that rainbow above you and shoot it through your vains"
as you might be able to tell im listening to owl city at the moment..
but yea..
im on the phone with my girl right now. =D
xDDD shes playing red alert 3 so she has not said anything for the past 10 mins other them rambleing to her game.
its cute. shes a dork. played that game for like.... 6 hours the other day.
xDD
i dont know how many hours shes been on today.
umm anyway, life has been pretty good lately.
it seems like things are finely slowing down and making sence.
although i have to see my lawyer tomorrow.
they need to talk to me about the case agenst the guy that abused me..
so yeaa tomorrows prolly gonna be pretty hard.
its always really hard for me to talk to strangers about it.
but yeaa it kinda has to be done.
=p
i have been worrying about this for a few days now. i know that its not going to be that bad. and all i have to to is tell them what happened but its the whole what if thing... like.. what if this case goes to trile and i have to testify agenst him. that would be horrible.. i dont know if i could stand being in the same room as him again.
gahhhh
but yeaa
in brighter news my sister got me a leather jacket for christmas. 8D
its wayy rad. its like the biker jackets from grease.
=]]
i need to buy some patches and studs for it though. =p
umm yeaa.
oh! and the other day Satu and i went to the mall.
;D i bought some handcuffs. xDDD
so yeaaa that will be intresting.

you know the feeling of have a first kiss with someone? how your mind races and you get stuck in the moment. its just so new and amazing caz you know that this is the only time you will ever have a chance to kiss that person for the first time. idk it always makes me feel so wonderful. well its kinda weird normaly after the first kiss it does not feel that way to me. i mean its still amazing and wonderful and all but nothing like the first time your lips meet. but its different with Satu each time we kiss i feel like im fallin faster.. yea yea i know i sound kinda lame right now. but its just so weird. i have never been with a girl like her. our lives have been so different yet we are so much alike. she is the perfect girl for me.. im just really fucking scared caz if i fall in love what will happen? will i be some exparement she tryed out in the U.S. or will i last. i think im a bit over paranoid but yeaa..she makes me feel real. i dont want that to mean nothing. sooo tell me what you guys think.

i spent the day with Satu. school was cancled becaous of the snow so i asked my brother to take us to the towncenter (its like a little mall) so he droped us off and we wandered around for a while. we went to michaels and she bought alot of random papper... xD then we went the the book store. suprise suprise?? we are only the biggest book worms alive. xDD
she bought like...5 books for presents for random people. after that we sat in starbucks for a while. by then it was late afternoon so we went to lunch. xDDD some nerdy guy with a blue tooth sat behind us... he was talking about rainbow cookies. he asked the front dest, "do you have the means to makeing a rainbow cookie??" and she had no idea what he ment.. and then he rambled on the phone about gummy bears melting into a cookie. and he asked in a very serious voice, "what exactly does a rainbow cookie consit of?" and i said under my breath, "the souls of many queer kids?" after that we left because if we had stayed any longer we might have fallen on the floor laughing. xDD
then we walked to target. and she randomly said, "hahaha BRB!" and i was like wtf????
so she pointed to the weird decorations in front of target that just happen to be Big Red Balls....
it was great.
ummm yeaaa...
skiping ahead a bit. we went back to her house and listened to music for awhile. then she took out her camera so we could take some pics together. lol we got a lil distracted though. we ended up just cuddleing and kissing for a while. nothing bad. just like really cute you know?
after that her host sister came up stairs and told us dinner was ready.
after we ate we baked a cake. =DD it was fun. and amazingly cute. her host sister was helping and she is like...9? and gawd Satu is sooo adorable when she is hanging out with kids.
=]]]]
well now that i have rambled for some time i think i will end this post.

♥Meghan♥

my girlfriend is depressed. i really dont know what to say to her. she misses her family in finland. i said the obivous things like "im sorry baby" and what not. but i dont know how to help her. i know she misses her family. and wishes she was there but... i cant help but wish she didnt. that way i could keep her to myself. after her exchange is over i may not she her for many years if ever again.. so i want our time tegether to be special.
i had a dozen pink and red roses delivered to her while she was in school on the 4th. they brought them into her while she was in class. she was so excited about it. it was the first time she had gotten flowers. =]]
i did not realize how much until i talked to her band (my orchestra) teacher. she said she was rambleing about it and giggleing and stuff. although i did get lightly scolded for spending that much money on her she loved it.
lol im luck she does not know how much it really cost me. it was only 56 dollars but she hates the idea of people getting her stuff.

so aparently i am a becon of queerness... about a week ago my moms friend came over with her grandaughter. her grandaughters name is Zakia. so they interduced us and she did this weird laugh thing ( the kinda of laugh that a cocky dyke sometimes has.) so i had no idea why..
and then her and i got on the computer and i was showing her random stuff. ect
the next day we are talking and aparently she was laughing caz the second she saw me she thought BAM! theres a queer kid!
(btw shes a lesbian too)

i hate this. im sitting here in the dark crying alone. i cant call anyone to talk about it caz my phone is broken. if i could only hate myself a little more emptyness wouldnt seem so far away.

it makes me sad that she deosnt say i love you too anymore. if i say i love you she will say i love you back but never i love you too. she used to always say i love you too. it makes me feel like she dose not believe me anymore.

it was nice.
i stayed the night at my ex's house..
it was awkward....
we were kinda silent most of the night and at one point i woke up and she was kinda cuddleing me.
so i moved closer to the wall...
but the aids walk itself was alot of fun!
we only walk like 3 miles around tacoma.
i think the best part of the day was when shelby and i say the old lady lesbians!
the had rainbows all over there wheel chairs!!
someday when i am like 70 i will be like those old lady lesbians!
=]]

im scared of useing the blow dryer at night.........

im excited as fuck!!!
it is not a normal mohawk though
i like it call it a fashion hawk lol
its wayy punk!
and it will be an inch long on the sides of my head
the sides of the mohawk will be seafome green and in the middle it will be black
with maching chick chops
=]]
tell me what you think!

today was lovely..
so i went to the dr. because i thought i had strep.
then when the dr. looked in my mouth she spazzed
aparently one of my tonsils was 3 times the size it should be
she told me that i needed to go to the ER and that i might have a peritonsillarabscess
then she rambled about needing some med students to come look at me
she said i was show and tell...
then when they swabed my tonsils she told me i was great at opening my mouth and i should give lessons
then once in the ER we sat in a room and waited an hour
the dr. came in then wisked me to another room
i had to put on one of those gown things that dont cover your ass
i did not really understand why
i mean i was in there for my throught!
>.<
then a nurse came in
she looked ant my throught and jumped when she saw it
she went to speak to a dr. then 2 dr's came in and both looked at it
and yet again both of them commented on how well i open my molth...
one of them left and looked for a specileist and the other stayed and told my mom to leave the room
she asked me all the questions about if i was haveing sex and what have you
then the other came in with a swapy thing and told me she was going to take a nother strep test
b4 she did it she said she was really ganna gag me to get a good sample
then she poked my tonsil with it
i did not gag
then she said wow you dont even have a gag reflecs
i sighed and thought to my self thats a great skill for a lesbian...
lol
they both left so i could put on my cloths
as i was putting on my pants the specilist came in
then shut the door
i got my pants on then he walked in looked at it and said it was no big deal
i just need anti biotics 3 times a day....

jeffree star commented my myspace
=]

i dont know how to come out to my mom
=[[
she hates gay/lesbians ppl
i dont know how to tell her
im scard
but it hurts so much to keep it in