Hospital beds. Feeding tubes. Assisted suicide. Depression. Cancer. Doctors. Charts. Assisted Living.

I don't want to say good bye, but I know I have to. I know I won't ever see them again, but I still can't accept that. But I know I can't say goodbye to them, but if I don't I know I'll regret it for the rest of my life.

No running jokes about vegetarianism. No picnics at sea. No Thanksgiving together. Not ever again.

I know they're going to die soon. They've even thought about committing suicide. The only thing in the way is that he can't swallow pills anymore. She can't take it anymore, she doesn't want to live anymore.

Half a sandwich and a feeding tube for lunch. Only meal of the day. Caloric intake self-restricted.

They've always been around, but now they won't. The beach won't be the same anymore. I won't remember Alaska the same way anymore either. But I know I have to say goodbye in my own way.

I've fallen in love with Frank Sinatra. I had never really listened to his tunes prior to a few days ago. What prompted me was the list I had constructed detailing the songs I needed to obtain to rebuild my music library (Rootkit killed the whole Windows Installation. No possible recovery of the installation was at all possible). While I was doing it, Papa, my grandfather, popped into my mind. About 3 years ago, while in Maine (We go there every year, our family summer home there. We've had it in the family for like 70 years), my brother and I were in "George's Oval Office" (The name for Papa's office) and we were searching through some stuff (pictures; he has the most beautiful family pictures) and we came across his iPod. We looked through it and there was a lot of Sinatra. So I decided I should add that to my list, after all he is a classic.

I think it'll be a good remembrance of my Papa. He's not dead yet, but as much as I really hate to admit this, he's going to die soon. I probably won't see him before his death either. He doesn't want me to see him either. He goes to bed at around 2:00 PM and has a feeding tube. You see he has cancer, his third run in.

Then there's that letter-men style BeBe Orchards jacket (We used to have a family orchard in Washington, but we sold it to Dole).

So, last night was one of my friend's (B) surprise birthday party. Her mother rented a hotel room for the party. So my brother and I showed up late, not our fault - I worked a 12-8 shift. It was chill anyway. Things went well.

But there was this once incident. 6 of us went to bed at around 1:00 AM. B comes in at like 3:00 or 4:00 AM, all of us were asleep. She walks over to the window and tries to open it up like a door. Half of us woke up and we were all like "What the fuck are you doing B?". She responded all flustered, "I'm trying to get in the bathroom!". So um, we explained to her that it was a window, not the bathroom door and pointed her in the right direction. It was the best thing ever, we laughed pretty hard.

But the downfall of this party, I got less than 4 hours of sleep and had to work a 9 hour shift, starting at around 9:00 AM. Thank god I have tomorrow off though.

I was looking at credit cards today... Someone without a credit rating on average has an APR of like 20% or 12% with a 50$ annual fee... That's just insane... I mean, I'm 16, I had no credit rating, I applied for a card in my name and only in my name, and I got 12.9% APR. You can't even have above 18% APR in Vermont.

Who in their right mind would take a card that has 20% APR?

My grandmother just called. It made me feel pretty happy. Kind of sad though... More on the happy side though.

Many of you probably know, that is if you read what I post, that the grand 'rents have cancer. My father told me that I'll probably never see them again because they're so ill.

Anyway, just hearing her voice made me pretty happy.

Today I worked for roughly 8 hours. The first part sucked, I was running off of 9 hours of sleep (I know, I know... It seems like a lot to you. I could have gone for another 1 or 2 hours).

Anyway, I worked with two new people today. One I loved, one I didn't talk to, nor did I like her.

The first one, the one I liked, was named Kyrstyn. She's 16, just like me. She has a brother that works at the same place too. He worked with us for the later part of the day. I think Kyrstyn has a crush on me. Or we just have apparently good chemistry...

Then we had two turks (foreigners, obviously), they took about an hour, forty minute dinner break. I didn't even like those two anyway. I accidently let "damn foreigner" slip when one of them was around once...

Then I was flipping people off the tubes at the catch pool for the slide, because well I got bored. Then this stupid guy, I had flipped him, told me straight up in such an imperative manner, "That was unnecessary". There was about 5 seconds of chit-chat argument and he left. That put me in a crappy mood.

Then an hour later, this family was leaving and this women came up to me and told me, straight up, that the guy was just negative and didn't know how to enjoy fun. The kids fucking loved me doing that and the parents didn't mind that much either. That guy that reamed me out was only with his wife too, now children. They were sitting in the shade too. I didn't understand any of it.

SO! The other chick, Debbie, I think, was a moron. She skipped over this kid, because she didn't want to work at the slide so many times. The kid was up there for like 2 fucking hours because Debbie is such a fucking dumb cunt. She's also a foreigner, and unfortunately foreigner=dumbass at the place I work.

Anyway - I started out at the lagoon. I hate the lagoon, I can't stand it. It's basically a 2 foot deep basin where little runts just go to basically sit and crawl around. We yellow flagged it (left it unguarded) for the later part of the day. There was also the main lap pool, which had transformed from a pool to a pond. There was tons of chlorine neutralizer in it, so the chlorine level was near .2. It should be around 5 I think. So we closed that, but then the water park's manager told us to open it. It was still green though.

We also had this two 'gals that were too big for the ride. So they sat up at the top and made all the kids follow the rules, it was so cute!

I like my job for the most part. The lagoon and the dumb fucks are pretty much the only negatives.

Minus the shorts... The first stitch already came out in the crotch and the second stitching is starting to come out too. The second is the last one. Pretty soon my crotch seem will cease to exist. They're also too big, 4-6 inches too big. You see, I'm borderline kids sizes, which means I don't usually fit into adult size small. i'm extra-small.

Done.
D-U-N.

It's one of our most influential things in our life. It also usually accompanies us throughout life and it usually brings back fond memories. They range from turtles being landowners to yellow bears doing stretches to disgusting concoction being created that induces gargantuan growth. They're the literature of our childhood.

Who's everyone's favorite author and favorite book?

Personally, I find A. A. Milne, Kenneth Grahame and Roald Dahl to be my favorite authors. My favorite pieces are "Winnie the Pooh" by A. A. Milne (obviously), "Wind in the Willows" by Kenneth Grahame and I can't decide my favorite Rohl Dahl book. It might be the Giraffe, the Pelly and Me, or it could possibly be Charlie and the Glass Elevator. I just can't decide.

So I've been a lacto-octo-vegetarian for about 3 moths shy of a year now and recently I've decided to explore whether or not I want to eat meat or not.

This all started a week before Thanks Giving. I decided to give up meet, for reasons I'm not exactly sure. I just remember my dog's dinner and felt utter repulsion to meet when I was separating the chicken out. I immediately started gagging and feeling sick. I decided to become a vegetarian at that instance. It was to my grand parent's, well at least my grandmother's, dismay.

My grandparents, especially my grandmother, are post-children for the Social Register 65 years ago. They're WASP's, conservatives (my grandfather less, but not as much), they have old money and their families were active in the world. Needless to say, they're very classical.

My grandmother thought it was absurd that I made such a decision, while my grandfather didn't particularly feel anyway about it. There's also a tradition in my family where my grandfather gives each grandchild 100$ for Thanks Giving (Weird, I know. Who really gives out money on Thanks Giving? You give out food). Anyway, so my grandfather told me that I should go buy some vegetables with the money as a joke to sort of lessen any negatives feelings I might have been feeling from my grandfather's criticism (Though I didn't feel any criticism). So that's been a joke ever since between him and I.

I don't mean to make my grandmother seem uptight, mean or nasty at all. She's a cool person. I asked her what the most important moment in her life was and she said "Meeting your Grandfather, George". Made me smile.

Anyway, I started the exploration about 2 weeks ago. I tried a bit of chicken and I couldn't swallow. You see, things that aren't homogenized in texture gross me out. I like things that are uniform like yogurt, tofu, beans, cheese, radishes, carrots, yams and lettuce. Meat has tough spots and fat veins, I'm am completely grossed out by that.

Then in Maine up at my family's estate, I tried lobster. I couldn't swallow the tail. It was way too tough, another reason I don't like meat.

So I guess this exploration is done with. Nothing's changed, I still don't like meat and I don't want to eat. I'm not concerned about protein or iron intake anymore either. If the Kikuyu's people were able to live to 100 about 200+ years ago eating a vegetarian diet, than I should be fine.

I'm so glad that damn Key West advertisement is gone. It was pissing me off.

But it's still f'ing dyke oriented. I need some fag advertisements.

So um, I just made this zucchini pizza. it was the best pizza I've ever had.

Like it's weird though, it's not a yeast crust. In fact, it's not a crust that's supposed to rise. It also has egg in it, I've never seen that with a pizza crust!

Anyway, so it's like 2 C. shredded zucchini, 1/4 C. flour (especially nice, it's good to get away from wheat, especially refined wheat), 1/2 C. parmesan cheese, 1/2 C. mozzarella cheese, herbs (any that you feel like it), like 2 tsp. olive oil and 2 eggs.

You just mix it all up, no special way, no special order.

Bake it for about 10 minute at 400 degrees Fahrenheit and put the tomato sauce on, the cheese and what you ever else you want to. I put basil and oilive oil on it, I don't like toppings on pizza. Then you bake it until the cheese is fully melted, about 30 minutes - give or take.

It was the absolute best pizza ever though. I got the recipe out of the MooseWood cookbook. I love that book.

My brother decided to have a party last night, at our house. So it was fine, nothing got damaged. It's just it's so fucking gross cleaning up.

And he kept on trying to get me to drink more, do a whip it or get stoned (I barely drink anything and I don't use use drugs)...

Alcohol just seems so disgusting to me. It upsets my stomach, it dehydrates you, it causes acid reflux for me in the morning and it fucks up my tonsils (I have no idea why either!).

Then there's like 50 beer cans all over the place and there's cigarette butts in like 5 of them. It's the most disgusting shit ever. Then someone spit chewing tobacco into Mexican glass. Hand made Mexican that's barely ever used.

Then they were all up till 4 fucking AM, I was just barely able to get to sleep. They were so loud and fucking dumb...

Why do people drink to excess so often? I really don't understand how people can get a dependency to it. I nearly threw up just smelling beer.

Alright. All those things in the title are pretty specific, eh? Seemingly unrelated, except for the fact that they've been on my mind.

Number One. Good place to start, huh?
I find cooking so relaxing. It just comes to fluid to me. Then all the volatile oils being released as aroma just sets me off. It's as much of a rush that I get from a mild O. The smell of cumin, turmeric, garlic, ginger and garam masala (I know, garam masala is a spice blend) all wafting from a single dish. They all meld together, so perfectly.

But I find nothing more relaxing, more rewarding and more aesthetic than making grilled cheese. I'm pretty particular about grilled cheese though. It's none of the Kraft American cheese bullshit. None of that Wonder Bread-esque crap. It's gotta be high quality bread Yeast risen, king arthur flour, slightly spiced bread. Then there has to be greens. I love arugula or spinach. Then I'm pretty particular about cheeses. I don't like American, nor do I like cheddar. In fact, I can't stand cheddar. It's gotta be a good Gloucester, preferably a double Gloucester.

Number Two. Almost there.
I got back from Maine two days ago. That was my vacation, staying up at my family's summer home. Well, my grandparent's summer home, but they weren't up there. You see, my grandmother has lung cancer that's metastasized and spread to her hip bone. The doctor's feel that there's no chance for her. Then my grandfather is suffering from lung cancer also I believe. His treatment was successful, whatever that means (my grandparents don't tell us much. That's all they said to us), but he's very ill. He goes to sleep at 2 PM everyday. He's on a feeding tube. He's goes to a support group for people afraid of falling.

So obviously they wouldn't be able to travel in such a state. They still wanted people to go up and enjoy the property. I probably should give a description of the estate.

It's in Blue Hill, Maine. South of Bangor. It's private and we're completely separated from all neighbors by trees. We have pretty much the best beach (private of course) out of any of our neighbors. Nice and Sandy but with some nice rocks. We have 4, technically 5, boats. A picnic boat, a speed boat, a sail boat, a kayak and the technical boat, the dingy. There's 4 buildings in the estate: the main house, the chicken coop, the white guest cottage and the yellow guest cottage. All buildings have at least one full bath and full kitchen. The yellow guest cottage and the main house cottage has two full baths. The white cottage's living room is really a ship's captain's quarters. it was taken out of a real ship. It's the youngest building. The main house is about 100 years old. The chicken coop is next, I'm not sure than the yellow guest cottage is around 70 or 75. White guest cottage is around 50. Anyway, the whole estate amounts to an approximate 5 or 6 million dollars. It takes 100,000$ per year to maintain.

So anyway, it's obviously distressing, my grandparent's state and all, so this year up there was pretty tough.

Number Three. This is turning out to be long.

Nasir Jones, A.K.A. Nas, released his new album that was supposed to be titled "Nigger". This is my favorite of his albums by far. One song is on my mind in particular:

Sly Foxes. I love the song. It's basically bashing News Corporation and Bill O'Reilly. We all know Fox News is a piece of shit and that it lies or just reports bogus and useless news. Anyway, Bill O'Reilly had this huge beef with Nas, I'm not sure of all the details, but Bill let statements fly that accused Nas of being the stereotypical rapper, a gangster. I personally feel that such an attack by a news corporation, something where NEWS comes from, not biased opinions from some stupid fucking talking head.

I actually did one night.

Anyway. So my brother is pissing me the fuck off. He doesn't want me to express my sexuality in anyway and doesn't want me to have pride. He basically wants me to go into self-repression of my sexuality and to mascaraed as a heterosexual.

I may of told some people casually that he has herpes though. I didn't think it would be that serious, because let's face it, it's fucking herpes. Sure it's a virus with no cure and it's considered an STD, but it's fucking herpes. It's basically noninfectious when there's no outbreak mainly because it is a retrovirus (also the reason it's currently incurable). I even told them that he got it because my brother spit in his mouth when he was like 3 because my oldest brother was a jackass then.

He also thought I was really annoying when i went to a small get together with a couple of friends one night. No one else really thought that, even the other person that completely sober. Angie certainly didn't think that, otherwise we wouldn't still be afraid of dropping our pockets or the werewolves.

So anyway, he facebook messaged me saying:

Notice this is a facebook message. He for some reason, can never confront me in person. Whenever he's angry at me, he messages me. It pisses me the fuck off.

So basically what he seems to communicate is or what he's demanding me to do is:

• (1) No one at work can even possibly be my friend.
• (2) I should have "loyalty" towards my brother, even though my brother doesn't think very highly of me and has shown no love towards me. In fact, he never has. I've only seen homophobia and dislike from him.
• (3) I'm not allowed to say anything bad about my brother, even though he encouraged his friends to call me homophobic slurs and told all of his friends about the embarrassing things I did when I was younger so they could make fun of me.
• (4) He threatened his own brother
• (5) It's apparently a privilege to be in his presence at any time

Ugh... I feel so horrible... My stomach feels so raunchy. I'm even typing worse than I was last night... Well... This morning.

Anyway, my brother and I went over to a friend's house and I got trashed, he didn't. It took about 4 beers... I'm a wicked lightweight. His girlfriend is too, she was there.

So time went by. I puked because my lower esophageal sphincter is screwed up. It was barely anything too...

Then Angie and I went swinging... I was wearing some trackies and the pocket got caught and I tried to jump off. My whole entire pocket ripped out.

Then there was a full moon. It got really dark when a could went by. Angie and I were like, "Werewolves!". So we jumped off and sprinted inside. Haha.

Then I went up to laurance's room and put treseme mousse all over Moriah. hen she woke up she thought her skin was peeling off. Haha....

I need to sleep.. Thank god work is at 4 PM today...

I'm going to end up working 10 days straight... 9 are night shifts. 4 have/will be doubles. 1 day I'm working with practically no one that I know. 1 day I'm working with people I don't know so well... 1 day I'm working with Peggy! 1 day I'm working with Xana, two days I'm working with Jess and Brittany, and I'm not working with Laurance (sniffle).

Haha, Smuggs think Laurance is a boy. Just because they think her name is really "Lawrence". She's not very boyish at all.