Not being friends with her is hard.
Not taking care of her is harder.
The hardest part, however, is convincing myself that this is for the best.

How can I feel this so completely, to the point where I can feel my heart wrenching every time I'm around her, and have her feel nothing in return?

Why is she so depressed now?
Why did she stare at my body like a piece of meat New Year's Eve?

JANUARY 2008
1.Who kissed you on new years?
My then best friends, Steffi and Steph.

2.Did you have a new year's resolution for 2008?
To put everything I possibly could into making her mine. Which, I think I did.

3.Does it snow where you live?
Not often.

4.Do you like hot chocolate?
Mmm.

5.Have you ever been to Times Square to watch the ball drop?

1. What would you take from your house if you knew it would be flooded tomorrow?
I think a day is sufficient time to move all of my family's valuables out of our house and onto dry land.

2. If you could erase anything you ever said to anyone, what would it be?
I don't think I would. So far, things in my life are turning out pretty well, despite the regrettable words I've spoken. Without those words, who knows how different my life could be now?

3. Your stuck in a room for an hour with a chalk board, what do you draw on it?
Stars and rainbows and infinity and beyond. And a princess.

4. The theme song for your life is called?
'Faith' by George Michael

Milk was beyond amazing. You should all go see it. Seriously.

and if my pretty hair was to fall behind your pretty ears, what would you think of that?
would you catch my breath?
i would catch you if you fall.
you told me you weren't scared.
this just isn't how you feel.
you told me that if i were a boy, things wouldn't be different.
it's just not what you feel.

Basics:
Name:
Ask, and I'll tell.

Date of Birth:
March 11, 1992

Birthplace:
Scranton, PA

Current Location:
In front of my computer screen.

Eye Color:
Green

Hair Color:
Light brown.

Height:
5'7 1/2

Heritage:
German, Irish... WASP

Piercings:
Ears

Tattoos:
None.

Favorite:

Band/Singer:
Beatles, Taylor Swift <3, Dar Williams, RHCP

Song:

hi, i'm clarice.
i prefer my women unshowered, in kick ass shape, with blue eyes and a tell-tale smile. intelligence, as always, is a prerequisite.
i'm also getting over the first person i ever loved, my ex-best-friend, steffi.

princess:
i've been trying to convince steffi to come and talk with me, so that we (or i) can get things out in the open, and clarify things. and she keeps wiggling her way out.

There's this girl. Her name is Emily. And she is my new archrival. She has somehow, some way, gotten to every girl before me.

And by every, I mean my last two little crushes. Annoyance. I will over take her, I will. I can handle a competition. ;)

have you ever had those days where loneliness just seems to seep inside of you? filling up holes that were once filled, making you more acutely aware of them than you normally are?

today is one of those days. where i miss her more than anything. tomorrow is a would-be 2 year aniversary. and when you're 16, 2 years is an eighth of your life.

oh princess perfect.

how starved are we? of each other, that is.
you rush into my arms like the swiftest breeze, yet shy away from me like the most timid of does.

i don't understand this, or you. i can't piece together how you can love me so tenderly one moment, and seem to forget it the next.

are you really so unsure?

being with you is like being with a wounded animal.

you grow ever more frightened by my touch, ever more yearning for me to ease your pain.

do you think it's possible that your eyes tell lies?

i'm begging you to tell me i'm crazy. i'm hoping that one day you'll hit me. i'm wishing you'd laugh in my face.

but i guess i'm too scarey for that.

this is so strange.

i'm in the process of coming out to my ex-boyfriend. (process meaning i just told him, but he doesn't understand. that's tomorrow)

the problem is that i don't understand. i don't understand how to explain something to him that i don't understand myself. yes, i now i don't HAVE to explain anything to him. but i want to. it will bring both of us piece of mind.

Und weil du kannst mich nicht sagen, vielleicht soll ich fuer dich sprechen?

Was willst du von mir?

i need to finish some freaking german then sleep forever and ever amen.

I am lonely.

The type of lonely where even when I'm in a crowded room I feel completely alone. I miss her. So much that it's unbearable. I was doing fine until school started again and I have to see her everyday again. Tiptoe around her.