have you ever had those days where loneliness just seems to seep inside of you? filling up holes that were once filled, making you more acutely aware of them than you normally are?

today is one of those days. where i miss her more than anything. tomorrow is a would-be 2 year aniversary. and when you're 16, 2 years is an eighth of your life.

oh princess perfect.

how starved are we? of each other, that is.
you rush into my arms like the swiftest breeze, yet shy away from me like the most timid of does.

i don't understand this, or you. i can't piece together how you can love me so tenderly one moment, and seem to forget it the next.

are you really so unsure?

being with you is like being with a wounded animal.

you grow ever more frightened by my touch, ever more yearning for me to ease your pain.

do you think it's possible that your eyes tell lies?

i'm begging you to tell me i'm crazy. i'm hoping that one day you'll hit me. i'm wishing you'd laugh in my face.

but i guess i'm too scarey for that.

too scarey to talk to, too scarey for you to force away.

make me leave. tell me with words. don't force me to interpret you.

we all know i'm horrible at that.

do you remember, the time i talked to you about how i hated mixed signals, how you rubbed your leg ever so slowly up and down mine? of course you don't. you've forgotten all of that. you've forgotten how much you lived for that. don't tell me it was me. don't tell me that everything that we did had no meaning, has no meaning. it's so obvious it does. why would you run from me if you weren't so scared of wanting this?

but this is all me,

isn't it?

making all this up.

every last word. none of this happened. and whatever happened, whatever step outside the boundaries of friendship we took, together, always together, were completely devoid of meaning. almost as devoid as your heart is of understanding. talking to you on an emotional level is like talking to a dessert. every emotion, every feeling you once had has shriveled up and gone. i'm not allowed in any more.

but all of that's okay. know why? because i'm moving on. one step at a time i'm making my way away from you. i still have ten thousand, a hundred thousand, a million more to make until i don't love you any more, but i'm trying. i'm really really really going to try. because obviously waiting on you to crush it out of me isn't very effective.

last night in a movie i watched there was some line about loving someone in terms of oneself, and what that person does for you, and actually loving someone.

i want to scream every time i see you. i want to scream at you to look at me. to see me. to stop being weird. to remember. to stop pretending you didn't see this coming. to stop pretending i'm the crazy one. to stop this idiotic waste of our time.

i want you to scream at me. i want you to tell me that befriending me was the worst mistake of your life. i want you to tell me that i disgust you. i want you to tell me that i'm wrong. i want you to tell me that i made all of this up. i want you to tell me i have no right to be here, that you wish i would leave. i want you to tell me that you laugh at me behind my back. i want you to tell me that you're going to make sure that everyone knows what a disgusting person i am, tell them all about the horrible things i forced you to do.

i never made you do anything. everything you did, you did because you wanted to.

just make this stop.

why don't we talk about the secret?

why don't we talk about my perfect person?

why don't we talk about freaky shit related to the secret?

whywhywhywhywhywhywhwywwhywhwywhy.

LIAR.

this is so strange.

i'm in the process of coming out to my ex-boyfriend. (process meaning i just told him, but he doesn't understand. that's tomorrow)

the problem is that i don't understand. i don't understand how to explain something to him that i don't understand myself. yes, i now i don't HAVE to explain anything to him. but i want to. it will bring both of us piece of mind.

at the same time, i haven't gottent o talk to her about everything that happened.

this is just so confusing.

Und weil du kannst mich nicht sagen, vielleicht soll ich fuer dich sprechen?

Was willst du von mir?

i need to finish some freaking german then sleep forever and ever amen.

I am lonely.

The type of lonely where even when I'm in a crowded room I feel completely alone. I miss her. So much that it's unbearable. I was doing fine until school started again and I have to see her everyday again. Tiptoe around her.

I used to look forward to school, it meant another occasion, another form of spending time with her. Now it feels like a trap. Some cruel trick. Why do I have to see someone every day who I know I can't have? Why doesn't she want me? How is it that we were only ever just friends? Am I really that blind, that crazy?

We used to fill each other up. When I was with her, I felt so much love. We were so lit up, so charged around each other that other people started to notice. Started to whisper. Why were we always touching, always holding hands? When we went out why did we dance together, like we should have been dancing with boys?

I guess I've sheilded her from the accusations of our friends for now, but sooner or later she's going to have to face them.

It's just so horrible. Not only did I lose my almost lover, but also my best friend. I'm trying so hard to fill the holes you left, Steffi. I'm trying so hard to patch myself up. I can't think of anything but you all the time.

Oh.

Well, hello there, Princess Perfect.

I can't quite recall whoever it was that let you in.

Can you? Recall how you got here, that is?

You must dreadfully confused, this isn't exactly in your neat-as-a-pin cup of tea, is it? You were never expecting this, were you?
You were never expecting me.

Hum di hum. Summer is depressed. Which is rather interesting, for someone who is notoriously happy. I've noticed it, our best friend Stephanie has noticed it... even her parents have noticed it. None of us can quite figure out why. Liza (my other best friend) hypothized that it's because she's coming to terms with her sexuality, but I'm positive she's wrong. Stephanie and I are both kinda like: Whaaa?? I just hope she feels better soon. Oh- and this weekend she picked out this moive that was called... idk Sex and Death or something. But there's some line in it like "That's why I'm glad I'm a lesbian!" and she laughed, what made it stand out though was that it was the only time she laughed during the entire movie. Which may only go to show how much it sucked butttt....

Yup. That's where I am right now. Trying to fall out of love. It's actually going pretty well. I'm really proud of myself.

Love!

Level 1
(x) Smoked A Cigarette (Not all- does it still count)
() Smoked A Cigar
(x) Kissed A Member Of The Same Sex (but sadly, it never meant anything... more like: i'm drunk, you're drunk, or friend stuff)

SO FAR: 1

Level 2
(x) Are / Been In Love
(x) dumped someone
(x) Shoplifted
(x) Been Fired
() Been In A Fist Fight

SO FAR: 4

Level 4
(x) Had A Crush On An Older Person
(x) Skipped Class
( ) Slept With A Co-worker
(x) Seen Someone / Something Die (insects?)

SO FAR: 7

Level 5
(x) Had / Have A Crush On One Of Your Facebook Friends
( ) Been To Paris
( ) Been To Spain
(x) Been On A Plane
(x) Thrown Up From Drinking

SO FAR: 10

Level 6
(x) Eaten Sushi
() Been Snowboarding
() Met Someone BECAUSE Of Facebook
(x) Been in a Mosh Pit

SO FAR: 12

Level 7
( ) Been In An Abusive Relationship
(x) Taken Pain Killers
(x) Love/loved Someone Who You Cant Have (HAHAHAHA- you really have to ask?)
(x) Laid On Your Back And Watched Cloud Shapes Go By
(x) Made A Snow Angel

SO FAR: 16

Level 8
(x) Had A Tea Party
() Flown A Kite (BUT I REALLY REALLY WANT TO)
(x) Built A Sand Castle
( ) Gone mudding (offroading)
(x) Played Dress Up

SO FAR: 19

Level 9
(x) Jumped Into A Pile Of Leaves
(x) Gone Sledding
() Cheated While Playing A Game
(x) Been Lonely
() Fallen Asleep At Work / School

SO FAR: 22

Level 10
(x) Watched The Sun Set
( ) Felt An Earthquake
( ) Killed A Snake

SO FAR: 23

Level 11
(x) Been Tickled
(x) Been Robbed / Vandalized
( ) Been cheated on
(x) Been Misunderstood

SO FAR: 26

Level 12
(x) Won A Contest
( ) Been Suspended From School
(x) Had Detention
(x) Been In A Car / Motorcycle Accident (i backed into a dumpster... that count?)

SO FAR: 29

Level 13
(x) Had / Have Braces
(x) Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(x) Danced in the moonlight

SO FAR : 32

Level 14
(x) Hated The Way You Look
(x) Witnessed A Crime
(x) Pole Danced
(x) Questioned Your Heart
(x) Been obsessed with post-it-notes

SO FAR: 37

Level 15
(x) Squished Barefoot Through The Mud
(x) Been Lost
( ) Been To The Opposite Side Of The World
(x) Swam In The Ocean
() Felt Like You Were Dying

SO FAR: 40

Level 16
(x) Cried Yourself To Sleep
(x) Played Cops And Robbers
(x) Recently Colored With Crayons / Colored Pencils / Markers
(x) Sang Karaoke
(x) Paid For A Meal With Only Coins

SO FAR: 45
Level 17
(x) Done Something You Told Yourself You Wouldn't
(x) Made Prank Phone Calls
(x) Laughed Until Some Kind Of Beverage Came Out Of Your Nose
(x) Kissed In The Rain

SO FAR: 49

Level 18
(x) Written A Letter To Santa Claus
() Watched The Sun Set/ sun rise With Someone You Care/Cared About
(x) Blown Bubbles
() Made A Bonfire On The Beach or anywhere

SO FAR: 51

Level 19
(x) Crashed A Party
( ) Have Traveled More Than 5 Days With A Car Full Of People
(x) Gone Rollerskating / Blading
(x) Had A Wish Come True
( ) Been Humped By A Monkey

SO FAR: 54

Level 20
(x) Worn Pearls
(x) Jumped Off A Bridge
(x) Screamed "Penis" or "Vagina"
( ) Swam With Dolphins

SO FAR: 57

Level 22

(x) Got Your Tongue Stuck To A Pole/Freezer/ice Cube
(x) Kicked A Fish
(x) Worn The Opposite Sex's Clothes
(x) Sat On A Roof Top

SO FAR: 61

Level 23

(x) Screamed At The Top Of Your Lungs
(x) Done / Attempted A One-Handed Cartwheel
( )Talked On The Phone For More Than 6 Hours
(x) Recently stayed Up for a while talking to someone you care about

SO FAR: 64

Level 24

(x) Picked And Ate An Apple Right Off The Tree
(x) Climbed A Tree
(x) Had/Been In A Tree House
(x) Been scared To Watch Scary Movies Alone

SO FAR: 68

Level 25
(x) Believed In Ghosts
(x) Have had More Then 30 Pairs Of Shoes
(x) Gone Streaking
( ) Visited Jail

SO FAR: 71

Level 26
(x) Played Chicken
(x) Been Pushed into a pool with all your clothes on
(x) Been Told You're Hot By A Complete Stranger
( ) Broken A Bone
(x) Been Easily Amused

SO FAR: 75

Level 27
( ) Caught A Fish Then Ate It Later
( ) Made A Porn Video/got asked to make one
(x) Caught A Butterfly
(x) Laughed So Hard You Cried
(x) Cried So Hard You Laughed

SO FAR: 78

Level 28
(x) Mooned/Flashed Someone
(x) Had Someone Moon/Flash You
() Cheated On A Test
(x) Forgotten Someone's Name
(x) French Braided Someones Hair
(x) Gone Skinny Dipping
( ) Been Kicked Out Of Your House
(x) Tried to hurt yourself (key word: tried)

SO FAR: 84

Level 29
(x) Rode A Roller Coaster
( ) Went Scuba-Diving/Snorkeling
( ) Had A Cavity
( ) Black-Mailed Someone
( ) Been Black Mailed

SO FAR: 85

Level 31
(x) Been Used
(x) Fell Going Up The Stairs
() Licked A Cat
(x) Bitten Someone
(x) Licked Someone

SO FAR : 89

Level 32
( ) Been shot at/or at gunpoint
( ) Had sex in the rain
( ) Flattened someones tires
(x) Rode in a car/truck until the gas light came on
(x ) Got five dollars or less worth of gas

91. Nice. I'm bored.

Today I went to Planned Parenthood with my friend, Stephenie, to inquire about birth control (for her... duh) It was pretty interesting. They were really helpful and friendly, and birth control for people under 18 is 50% off. Isn't that crazy? I was just blown away by how cool that was...

Then I backed my car into a dumpster and smashed the tail light... I'm so stupid. My Dad's not really that pissed... so that's good. And it'll only cost about $50 to repair so I'm happy.

Summer has been really strange lately. Stephenie, Summer, and I made a list of things to do before summer's over, and now that summer's coming to a close, Stephenie and I really want to finish it. Summer was all weird and didn't want to do anything with us today, she said that it had something to do with her older brother going to college... Who knows? But with this new school year comes the potential for new GASP! love. I know, how sad. I mean. If you think about it, there's very little chance of me finding someone I'm compatable with. But hey, a girl can hope! Right???

Have a great day!!

well, at least it will be interesting to go back.

i'm having trouble facing a lot of the denial i went through with summer. i'm having trouble convincing myself that what she said and did had a different meaning than i thought. meaning, she says now that none of it meant anything to her. that it was just "friendly." but, what she says now trumps what she did then, in the end.

... although, i still catch the same old glimmer in her eye when she looks at me.

or maybe it's just the denial flaring up again.

I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL.

love!

so much has happened in the course of this past month and a half.

summer knows, all the way. i told her. i was drunk. it just came out. she was surprised. i skipped school for two days. a mutual friend brought me a note from her basically saying that she was sorry that she didn't feel the same way.

she knows i'm in love with her.

and she's straight.

completely.

the nights that i lived for, that meant the world to me (and still do), she doesn't even seem to remember. there are still things that need to be clarified, but i get the picture.

i can't help but wonder what "You know what you mean to me" means to her. because to me, that means I'M AVOIDING SAYING I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU.

i'm going to start crying if i don't stop here, and i need to study.

love to you all.

I normally have really strange dreams. I'm used to this, I've had them my whole life. They're chalk full of meaning, but the one that has stuck with me most recently is one I had recently.

In it, Summer was stroking my stomach, but not in a sexual way. In a loving way. I looked up what seeing your stomach in your dreams means and got this: (seeing one's stomach) suggests the beginning of new changes in your life. It may refer to your difficulties with accepting these changes. It is also indicative of how you can no longer tolerate or put up with a particular situation, relationship, or person.

I just found this interesting.

Also, I went to a book reading of David Levithan's. HE IS AMAZING. Not just his books (Boy meets Boy, Are we there yet?, The realm of possibility, Wide Awake, Nick and Norah's Infinite playlist, Naomi and Eli's No-Kiss list, and How they met and other stories), but him as well. However, midway through his presentation there was a man who decided to speak up about how David's books lack ethics and morals, about how gay people have no ethics or morals. About how AIDS is entirely the fault of gay men. I was in shock. I live in a fairly liberal area, and did not expect this outburst. I found myself paralyzed by his words. I've never been a direct target of such ignorance, but I felt as if that man was attacking everyone in the room. I didn't stand up to him. I couldn't find the words. Midway through his rant, the woman sitting next to him said "There are some kids here who would like to talk to him about his books." and he was escorted out. But his prescence lingered stayed with me. His words stayed with me. I was so angry with myself. I've always longed for a great oppurtunity to stand up for myself, for others. And I let this slip away. Even now, I'm still ashamed and angry with myself. I should have told him that he was wrong. i should have showed him he was wrong. But I didn't.

Hello, all.

Here's Summer's birthday card to me.

Happy Birthday Clarice! <3
I love you my beautiful muffin.
You know what you mean to me.
<3 Summer

Yep. And a heart-shaped ring and a CD of love songs.

I'm kind of...
unsure about the meaning of all this, and am meaning to talk to her, but I've been super busy (with SPring Break and all..)

love,love,love

So I'm pretty bored. I should be doing the mounds of homework I have, but I'm supporting my cause right now (procrastination.) I'm going through a very interesting phase in my life right now. I'm learning so much about myself, it's crazy. I'm just beginning to figure out how I think... if that makes sense. Which it may very well not.

Also, suggestions as to where to meet girls?

Thanks, everyone!

cool cool cool cool cool cool.

i kinda went to a gsa meeting. like half of one. it was interesting, to say the least. we talked about the Lawrence King tragedy, i was glad to have already read the article on oasis, because if i hadn't, i probably would have started to cry. i have to admit it, i didn't really like it. i didn't really feel like i fit in. everyone there seemed so sure of themselves (and their identities). but, since it was only my first, i could be mistaken.

in other news, i had a little chit chat about sexual identity with two of my friends. and it was rather refreshing. i'm still sticking with the no labels thing, but talking about who and what i'm attracted to made me feel as if a weight was lifted off my chest.

also, i'm craving attention. of the sexual variety.
this is bad.
why?
because when i'm horny, i turn into a whore.
oh well. we shall see what will come of this.

much love.