I hate summer. I've come to terms with that.

I'm tired, but it's way too damn hot in my house to sleep. There's an issue when it's colder outside than it is inside...I'm about to take some blankets and go sleep out on my front porch.

My stupid ass father and his cunt girlfriend left like every window in the house open all damn day. So now the fucking house is hotter than hell. They let all the nice cold air OUT and all the fucking heat IN....they're fucking retarded and I'm getting to the point I'm about to tell them both where they can shove it.

I love the summer nights where it's too hot for me to sleep....but then again...I'm not sleeping as is.......

I dreamed of him last night....multiple times......I twitched awake and all I can remember is hearing amy hush me to sleep again...speaking in spanish...I think.....I don't remember the dreams...not really...I just remember they were about him.....I'm afraid to sleep...afraid to dream. I'm afraid of what will end up in my head...I have dreamcatchers...but I still have nightmares.....I don't know if I need to shake out the bad dreams outside...or what....but they aren't helping.....

I want to write poetry, but I can't form the words.....it's crazy.....I never think what I write is good......my word choice sucks.....the way I write sucks. It all just sucks....

I looked up guitar tabs/chords for All These Lives by Daughtry...

I looked at them, studied them and went "How the fuck do you play that?"

So I may end up learning to play everything on my keyboards downstairs.....

Who would have thought that after 6 years it still hurts, and that I'd still miss her. It still feels like I lost her yesterday.

Everyday I expect to wake up and have her call me up and ask me if I wanna hang out before she goes to work.....everyday I want to tell her everything that's been happening...

Instead I find myself sitting in the dark late at night talking to the ceiling....like she's there beside me listening.....everyday I'd give anything to see her again.

And for the 1st time ever I don't have to work today.....I'm not on the schedule to do so, and it's amazing...though I do have to go in tomorrow at 10 and work til 6......great waste of my weekend......

I want to scream, yell, punch things, throw things, break things.......

And that is how I've felt all day today......and it probably won't change til I can get a car, get on the freeway and drive in some random direction til I can't drive any more.

So....after having coffee with Momma Bear (Kat Weihs) for like....3 hours (and having a great time) Amy and I drove through steilacoom to look at a dark green 1945 Chevy truck that's for sale. It's 65 years old.....and in great condition. Nothing is rusted or dented on the outside. It's stick, but hey...I can learn to drive that......I want it and would kill to have it.

*sigh* all I want to do is cry at this point.....the whole week has been difficult........I did nothing but basically cry yesterday....oh joy.......saw harry potter....and cried when dumbledore died........I usually wouldn't......but it's getting hard these days.

On a happier note. Amy and I set a wedding date. April 2, 2010.....we're starting to plan. I'm happy And I found out my insurance will cover me getting therapy!!! woo...I need it.....

Johnny Depp's voice gives me the chills.......not in a bad way, but a good way...or at least it does while he's singing "My Friends' from the Sweeney Todd.....have I mentioned that Helena Boham Carter does a good Bellatrix in Harry Potter? Cause she does....and she's pretty :] oh...and no...I'm not better from my last post -_-....

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*bangs head against the wall*

I just found the biggest dildo ever O_O......

http://www.adameve.com/adult-sex-toys/dildo-sex-toys/sp-king-dong-dildo-...

Holy shit O_o....that's the biggest thing I have ever seen!!!!

Harry Potter on Wed.!!!! *squee* I'm hella excited. Though....I have to go talk to my boss before my shift at work O_O......now I'm scared......I don't think he'll fire me....but I could be wrong.....I'm praying he doesn't. I need the job. And the pay is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay good. But after work I get to go get my tattoo finished and then I'm off to Harry Potter. Then Amy's going to stay the night....and I'm sure we'll have hot lesbian...tea.....and then I'll sleep til noon on Thursday....cause I'm good at that. :]....random thing...I really like Bullet for my Valentine

Her: just don't hold your breathe.

Me: Nah. I'd turn blue and pass out

Her: lol. actually, shouldn't laugh. i'd be pretty bummed if you did.

Me: That would be awkward to explain to people....

Her: yah, and you wouldn't be awake to do the explaining.

Me: Yes. And if anyone else tried to do it I'm sure they'd exaggerate...

Her: of course...got to figure out some way to get on the news or even the Jerry Springer show.

Wow.....I talk about really random things with her O_o....

It's like watching free online porn at pornhub.com makes me bolder...like...I want to try new things and stuff. Last night...or this morning...Amy and I stayed up having Hot Lesbian.....tea ^_^...We tried new things...it was nice...like....right now I want to call into work. Have Amy call her parents when she gets off and tell them she's working late. I want to go somewhere away from my house...somewhere "private" and have my way with her....and fuck her sensless.....ya know?