I watched "Our Family Wedding" with my sister, her boyfriend (fiance? I guess...) and my sisters best friend Clarissa....it was a good movie...funny and stuff, but it made my heart ache. Because it's about this mexican girl introducing her african-american fiance to her family and her fiance introducing her to his family. All all the drama that ensues...but they are sooo happy together and end up getting married. And they are soooo happy together. And it just made my heart ache....because that's what I wanted with Amy....and won't ever have.

I miss sex...I miss the sex with Amy....well fuck...let's be honest...I miss everything about Amy.....I re-read one of my earlier journals....and I feel now the same way I did then....that I want to run up and tell her how sorry I am and that I miss her and everything else.....

I had my first break down in therapy....that wasn't so much fun....I felt awkward...but I admitted to my therapist that I think I might be suicidal...and that I want to hurt myself...she gave me the number to the crisis line...and I want to call them, but at the same time I'm afraid....I never thought I would be at this point in my life again...but I am...and I'm writing letter to Amy...that she won't ever get. I have a huge stack forming on my desk....and I wish I could tell her everything I'm feeling....but she's moved on...

I'm feeling suicidal....I don't know what to do anymore....they both are happy together....doing all the things I want to be....I can't believe I trusted either of them.....would they even care if I was gone? Would they fucking notice?
I didn't think my heart could break anymore and it is.....they couldn't even have balls to tell me themselves..I had to find out through here. But everything makes sense now...why they hung out all the time. Things are clicking into place....well I hope they're fucking happy together.....

Stayed up til 4am this morning...I couldn't sleep...so I wrote...and listened to music....cried just about the whole time. I read some shakespear...and some poems...
We aren't going to meet for coffee....I knew this would happen, but I still got excited....and now my heart is broken...I was looking forward to it....I'm hurt and sad...and I knew she didn't want to see me. But I still fucking got excited....now my heart hurts....

We talked....and she asked about getting coffee or something next week....I'm looking forward to it, but at the same time I'm not....what will happen if we don't meet? Then my heart will break. I don't want to be so excited about it, but I can't help it. I stopped asking about seeing her. Because I knew it wasn't good....and even now I don't know if it is. But I want to sooooo much. And if it doesn't happen. Then I really will probably have a break down.

From my haircut. I haven't taken a shower yet...but that's because then after my hair wouldn't be all pretty like it is now....
So I got my hair cut...it's awesome..I love it...and I'm so much cooler now. It's great...when I get my laptop back I'm going to have to figure out how to post pictures....and I'll have to take a picture where I don't looked extremely pissed off.

In a few hours...well..not even. Less than 1.

But I was writing a letter to Amy last night, not that she'll ever see it. And I'm already on the 7th page...that's crazy...granted most of the paragraphs aren't very nice, but it's how I feel and it's not like she'll ever see it. So...but I'm starting to get to the sad paragraphs like what I've been writing...

I finally made something by myself....and I didn't screw it up. I can't cook for shit, but I made homemade oreo cookies with cream cheese frosting. And everyone I've given one to in my family likes them...except Xavier..I asked him if they were good...and he said no...but I think he liked them, but was being a pain.

All I want to do is hear her voice...and talk to her....gah! I really wish time would hurry up....because then in a few weeks I can evaluate how I feel and see how she's feeling....this really better not take me for friggin ever to get over...because I'm going to be pissed.

So I have noticed a pattern with our break ups....all the serious ones where I end up bawling and hurting like no other....happen in the summer. The first time we broke up and I felt like I do now was the first summer we were together. And it happened around the same time...so what the hell?

Yeah...so I won't lie...I've thought about it....but Kitty has talked to me and stuff....though it would make life grand. Then I wouldn't feel everything I'm feeling...
I don't feel pretty....I haven't felt that way in awhile. For the first time all week I'm crying....and I can't even do it in the privacy of my own room...not while I'm typing this....my computer got a virus and is dead until someone can fix it. And then everything will probably get deleted from my computer. And I'm not going to enjoy that...because there are pictures on there that I won't be able to get back.

So...my computer is being a fucking retard. A month or so ago my computer told me it had a virus and to run a virus scan. So I ran a virus scan with the virus protection stuff I have. And it said it found a virus. So when it was all done I quarantined the virus and stuff and then got rid of it. Well after that my internet stopped working....something about the proxy not working...or some shit. So I made a new account on my computer to see if the internet would work there....and it does. So I've been using a different account to get online and stuff. Well the same thing happened last night.

So...since I can't watch Avatar on netflix I went and made myself a hulu account...well I found this movie called Strictly Sexual....it's about these two succesfull women who are tired of relationships and dating. So they decide to keep these two guys in their pool house for strictly sex...well...they show the sex...no genitalia though....but it's making me cry....because it's making me miss Amy and the physical relationship we had. Because one of the girls...the guy she's with....they have laughs and stuff....and we used to do that.

Woo...my daddy gave me candy....so now I have a Pay Day Carmello and the wild berry skittles. Love them all...the skittles make me sad...because usually I would take them and give them to Amy....but she isn't here...even if we were friends I'd save them and give them to her, but I don't even think we are that.....we aren't talking...so...we're just...exes I guess.....and nothing more, hopefully we can one day be friends. I don't even know if she reads these anymore.