"You know, those kids over there,
by the corner, next tot he apartmetn stairs,"
I sign to Corny while we're walking.
"They used to pick on me,
and push me around. Tease me,
laugh when I'd finally fall to the ground."
Cornys eyes go dark, as he glances over at the people.
I hurry to sign even quicker.
"But now I'm the one laughing,
becasue the one with no hair,
they just got out of Juvi,
and the girl, she's pregnant.
She's only 14."
I know allt he people are staring,
a girl signing to a man.
A girl with black clothes, and quper blond hair,
mascera around her eyes
making funny talk with a deaf man.
But I ignore them.
"And the smaller one,
he dropped out,
and his girlfriend dumped him.
The tallest one has a suspended lisence."
When corny asked me why,
I turned my face to the ground.
THen looked back up at him.
"THey don't know how to control the drugs."
I signed softly.
My movements vaugue,
it's like whispering in sign language.

"But it's all okay,
Becasue I laugh at them now.
I can control the drugs,
and I'm not pregnant,
I'm not in Juvi,
I still go to school,
and I don't need to worry about al isence yet."

She's after me again,
this time in my dreams.
IN reality,
she enjoys watching me behind a screen.
My improvment,
jumping rope,
and playing childish games.
The gym teacher bent on
getting me expelled.

She'll get the respect she tries to demand
when she shows me respect I ask for first.

I'm not giving in this time.
I swear and I promise.
Becasue she's after me, I'm not going to run
turn around and face her,
face my fear.

Yes, I'm terrified of her.
Terrified so badly.
But I'm going to face her.
Before school is voer.

Kuchen ist lecker.
((Cake is yummy))
Cake ist gut.
((Cake is good))
Magst du Kuchen?
((Do you like cake?))

It's funny.
How, when someone is speaking to you-
in a language you supossidly, don't know,
but are supossidly, 'learning'....
Sie beginnen einfach, und wiederholen Worter....
((THey start out simple, and repeat words...))
Over and over and over again
until you want to scream.

Kuchen this.
Kuchen that.
They shoudl try something interesting like
telling an addict
"Ich widerstehen, Drogen und Gewalt"
((I resist drugs and violence))
"Sie sollten widerstehen, Drogen und Gewalt"
((You should resist drugs and violence.))

Not sit there and repeat "cake" over and over again.

I speak German.
If they'd shut up,
they'd figure it out.

He was so angry,
it seemed,
as he walked over to wher I was,
doubled over, and in pain.
But my opponent was in even more.

Our blood shared,
painting the snow around us
with a dark dark red,
that looked as if it'd never ever wash out.
But of course it will,
when the snow finally melts.

He grabed my shoulders, 'and pulled me up, until I was standing.
Looking him in the face.
I wonder what he could see.
A balck eye begining to form,
and nose trickled with blood.
Matted hair,
and a dark bruise begingin to form on my cheekbone.

"Ronni! What have you done?
You know better than to fight!"
He had screamed at me.
It almost seemed like he ws sobbing.
But I wasn't paying attention.
My hands hung useless,
I didn't have to sign what happened.
As Myke came running out of the house.

Grabbing my hands, in his large caloused ones.

"Jaize. WhY?"
She had asked softly.
I pushed away from him.
And walked over to the one still doubled over, holding out my hand
to help him up.

"We'll forget after the snow thaws."
Was what he ssaid.
A smile on his lips.
His ose ws bleeding worse than mine, but he
had staunched the lfow with
the cuff of his jacket.
I wore no jacket.
and my arms were red where I had fallen down.

He went his way, I walked into the house.
Cleaning up my face,
Corny watching my every move.
"It was my fault." I signed to him.
"My fault. I started it, first hits and evrything."
I finished,
continueing to wash my face.
He seemed so angry at me.
I've fought before.
So why was this fight so different?

Myke and me were at our home,
it's really really funny.
His friend is talking to him,
while I was watching T.V.

"That boy I see Jaize with...
Who is he?"
Myke smiles as his answer forms. I can see it from the corner of my eyes.
"Oh? Him?
He's just the boy that makes Ronni smile,
and think. He makes her fall in love."
Myke said.
Corny sniggered.
I smiled.
Along with Mykes friend.
"His name is carlos,
and I'm faling even deeper and deeper in love with him,
becasue he has a smile that seems so innocent,
and these big brown eyes that are so cute.
And he's stupid in a good way.
He's my boyfriend."
I finish softly.

"Straight from her mouth. She's in love."
Myke says.
"You know very well me and Cornelious'll ahev our hands full.
Making sure he doens't place hands where they don't belong."
He had winked.
My mind broke into song.
Mykel loves me.
ANd so does Corny.
It's not enough sometimes though.
When who loves you is every little bit
a part of you.
Than someone who loves you
is so far from you, but loves you
just for being you.

And now she doens't trust me, the gym teacher,
the one who.. Supossidly cares.
She wants to play that game,
I can play it better.
If she's going ot be insecure, and doens't want to see me,
I guess she can just go hang.
Becasue /I/ have gone to this school longer than she's been teaching at it,
/I/ know how to play this game.
She's asking for war,
she's going to recieve a first class invitation
to see my
motivation
determination
Manipulation
skills.
Being used on her.
And there will be no tears,
no pouts.
I will loose and win each battle I do
with the knowledge that
I WON'T GIVE UP!

I want revenge now,
I wanted it before,
but this time I've got reason.
To show her where /she/ belongs.

She tooka way my friend, said we
were dealing in the gym.
/her/ gym.
My azz.

She's got an issue with where I walk.
Then you bring it to me, and only me.
I refure to be embarrassed by you.
Ms. Milbrath.

It won't happen.
I'll assure you,
don't fear.
You'll be leaving this school with your tial in between your legs
by the end of this term.

Choking on air,
hearing loudly spoken screams
over seeing things that aren't there,
that are only hallucinations from the dreams
we call nightmares.

Fighting the covers,
skin freezingly cold,
holding my sanity together
just to see my eyes growing more old.

Fast typing fingers,
reasearching my ailment.
Freezing skin white blue,
but feeling as if on fire.
Unspoken screams from lips with the purple hue.
And demons dancing behind my eyes.
When I sleep, I die.
My heart slows it's beating.
When I wake,
am I truly alive?
Or just do I THINK i'm breahting?

Sitting in his living room,
all is quiet except his hands are tapping
on the glass coffee table
that's full of cracks.
"Ronni, why would Mykel ever name you Jaize?"
The question hangs in the air,
waiting for me to grab it, answer it,
and lay it to rest,
with a full filled purpose as an ansered question.
I want to tell him
To mind his own buisness.
But I answer him.
"He nicknamed me Jaize because
he said that I remind him of a kid whom he
considered him best friend
until that kids death in 2003.
That boys name was Jaize.
Mykel said that me and him have the same characteristics in how we do things.

Jessi looks at me,
"Ronni. It's also the name of an illegal substance."
"Jessi shut up."
HOw much time passes,
Jessi tapping on the glass,
me starting into space,
until finally he speaks at last.
"Jaize,
would you ever loosie it to me?"
I stare at him.
Then catch his question.
"My virginity or my sanity?"
I ask qiuetly.
"You're sanity,
I could never take
what you no longe rhave."
He said, knowing full well the
memory behind that answer.
THe force, and tears,
and he knew he wasn't htere to helpme.
"You stole my sanity that
unfourrunate
day you
chose to drink and drive
with your brother in the passenger seat.
Underage drinking, and killing the one person who
understood s*** the way I did.
You could never ever return that sanity."
Staring into his eyes, the ones immitating his brothers so painfully.
His unscathed cheek, but
for two parraleel
scars
from when I slapped him,
and my nails scatched his face.
"You burried my sanity with your brother.
The brotehr you murdered."
The words stung worse than my slap did at the funeral.
But the welt and the blood didnt' come next,
though he was expecting it to.
Oh no, words don't
phycialy sting unless carved into the arm, do they.
But not.I'm intoxicated
fromthe very memory
or dancing with his brotehr.
The confusion is burnign in me now.
Could I ever give Jessi redemption from me?
With his brother 6 feet under, burried
in the cold, hard ground, in an
ugly oak wood cakset.
COudl I ever foirgive him?

Kate went home today.
Myke took her home around 5 in the morning.
I guess he wasn't going to ttake care of her forever,
just had her come for a visit.
Corny was glad to see her go.
She wont wake him up with her crying anymore.

But my dreams started comming back.
They came back real bad.
I'm afraid to fall asleep.
I'm afraid that of what I'll see.

The bloody hands reaching out for me, and Myke leaving
and never comming back,
and seeing Chris's grave.
Watching Corny going through the addiction,
and watching me go through it all again.

That's what happens when I close my eyes.
I see all those things,
attempt my best not to cry.

So now,
instead of Kate waking him up
it'll be my high pitched screaming again.

But Myke should be home by the time I get out of school.
Corny doesn't like getting me from school,
Myke doesn't want me walking alone.

He's afraid of something.
I'm 14, able to walk by myself.
Especially teh short distance from school to home.
But everyone seems to come.
And then they leave right away.

Kate didn't have a choice,
but I'm sure evryone else did.
So next time someone comes,
that doesn't LIVE with me.

They go
out out out out the door.
Before they even set their bag down.

My shoes. They're wet. I walked aroun din the snow.
My socks are wet.
From my shoes being wet,
which makes my feet feel soggy.

And my feet aren't cold, but they're not toasty either.
And this keyboard is really loud.:D
And the butt of my pants is wet from beign picked up and tossed in snow drifts.
(Eddie, you amuse me.)

The teacher is staring at me.
No my hair didn't get cut.
I'm turning 14 today!
And am goin gon a field trip in 28 minutes
for
Walking With Dinosaurs.
At the BRadley center.
Oh.

I found my presents.
They're wrapped.

The right way.
Darn.
I can't like...
Try and just open 'em a little to see what's in them...... AWWWWWW!

And I say Hi!

Kate.
Yesterday I saw her.
She was pretty.
Just like the baby picture Myke has of me,
just.... More 3d.

Except my eyes were greener,
Kates, a mixture of blue and gray.
I have green.
And her hose tips up a tiny tiny bit,
so it's barely noticable.

Her hands reach for everything they see,
she laughs, and gigles,
and smiles
like theres nothing bad in the world,
and the only thing she has to worry about
is getting her bottle the mom ent she wakes up.
But I usually am up before she is, and have her bottle ready and waiting.

Armed with the baba
Corny mumbles when he is woken up from her screaming.
Myke can just turn over, and trust
I'll take care of her.
Because he's back asleep
the moment the pillow is over her head.

HOw Corny can hear her,
she screams realy loud.
He told me that he could hear me,
when I sued to wake up screaming at night.
I guess it's high pitches
he can hear.

But I find it funny,
hearing us.
Me and Kate laugh together,
play together,
look alike.
But out thoughts are far from together.

she must think about bottles,
and pooping.
But does she think about
mental problems?
And how food's
going to be bought?

I don't think so.

But she's real,
all her thoughts are too.
Her little chubby hands are so warm when she grabs my
pinky finger.

She's leanred to be careful of my long nails by now.
Accidentally scratching herself on one last night.

Kate is comming.
That's why Myke had to go.
To pick up his little 9 month old baby girl.
You'd think that a 18 going on 19 homosexual male wouldn't have a little
baby girl.
But he does.
She was a part mistake.
Part miracle.
I guess when Myke was attempting to be straight,
the condom tore.
And Kate was made.

He says shse looks just like I did,
when I was a littel baby.
Same wispy hair, and blue green eyes.
Same type of nose.
And ears and full lips.
"Babys change."
I say to Myke.
"She might look like her mommy soon."
He doesn't want her to look like her mommy,
who became a corner pick up gal after kAt ewas born.

Who has a little too less of anything now.
Whose hair is stringy and she looks old.
From Mathampiphine effects.

And he dosn't want her to look like him.
Because his eyes are crooked.
Well that's what he says.
And becuase his ears are big.

"but I don't want her to turn out like me."
I say.
He knows all too well.
That I get sick easily,
from my immune system break down.
And other issues unspoken of.

"But, Ronni. You'll see her.
I have the baby picture of you in my wallet.
She looks just like you.
I swaer to High POwer,
When I walked through the door,
it was Dea Ja vu."

But I get to see my neice.
Whose fingers grab, and explore everywhere,
and whoses eyes seem to look into your soul.
from what I'm told.

But I can't hold her right away,
I have to get voer my fever first.

At school. Stressed out. Got my glasses, or found them.. Last night.
Missing homework. And my locker key.
Just because I can picklock it,
doesn't mean I wont have to pay 15$ at the end of the year to pass 8th grade.
For losing my key.

We've got math today.
I'd rather
be in math, than a mental hospital again.
But I'd rather fight with Myke abotu going than go to math.

But he's not hear,
and yelling at Corny doesn't help,
when he doesn't understand me when he closes his eyes, and can't read my lips.

Anyway,
like he'd actually tlak to me about it.
Last month he picked me up and carried me into math
when Myke was sick and couldn't come to talk with me.
I'd just get picked up again.

But, back to the point.
I'm going to the office, to request buble baths to be given to 8th grade.
During the Math periond hour.
And for naps to be taken during Social Studies.
'cause it's only a repeat of last year.

And earlier, just to prove my sanity,
I actually slowed down my speech,
and said real slow like to the non fornicating snob in my class.
"I'm not crazy, I'm just a little confused,
kind of like when you try and read the bible, I've noticed you read it upside down. Youre confused to."
So I feel accomplished.

I guess I'm getting better.
Myke'll be proud.

Today is Monday,
the day I hate.
It means another 5 days
until the weekend,
too long for me to anticipate.

Brother told me, once on friday,
once on saturday
the he'd be gone
come sunday.
Said he had to go away
but only for 3 days.

Corny'd watch over me,
he swore.
So I was up at 2 yesterday morning,
pacing around and around and around my room.
I know eh kissed me goodbye,
it's what woke me up, the smell of his cologne.
NOw I feel so alone.

Always there to hold me
when my mind played the tricks.
Always able to read behind these fake
happy eyes of mine.

He spoke in words I could understand.
Not going slow, like the tesr of them do,
but in the fast tounge
the words flowing out like mine do.

I have three more days
until he comes back.
three more days to get a little bit better.
So it suprises him.

"Jaize."
Corny had mumbled when he came inside around 10.
"You're up all night.
go back to bed."
Can he see my eyes sunken in?
Did Myke tell him that I wont eat unless remingded? Maybe if he didn't,
I can finally get away with not eating
the disgusting food
that is in this

house.

"Jaize."
I look back up at corny,
neevr relizing that I had let my vision wander to the fridge, slightly open.
And empty.
I know then,
the garbage bag is probably bursting.
"What happened with the food?" He asked softly.
I look him in the eyes, make sure he can see my lips.
Signing vaugley that I might've thrown it all way.

But I don't remember.
He walks towards me, I step back.
Not out of fear,
but to give me somethign to do with my feet.
Myke would be doing something right now about the food.

Why is corny shaking hsi head.
He hugged me,
for the first time in months.
"Let's go get Maccy D's." HE closed the fridge, and told me to put on my boots.

I slip them on, while he looks for my coat,
finally giving up.

Maccy d.
I found out.
Was Mc Donalds.
Not that I ate the food.
I sat and watched Corny eat his burger.

And on Sunday afternoon
We drove.

Far.

LIke as if we had nothing better to do.
We drove miles,
and never left the city.

Until we reached a gas station,, wasting a full tank of gas on
driving around the city.

Corny bought a candy bar,
I bought a pack of cigarettes.

Somethign to do is smoke.
for 3 days, I know
that 5 other packs wil;l be bought with my hands, and my money until Mykle comes home.

No way to get tolessons,
not that I want to go.
Brother's smiling at me,
like there's something He knows,
that I don.t
"Jaize, our car broken down."
He says all calm like.
The he looks around.
"You've got to go to lessons today,
otherwise you'll fail saxiphone."
I look at him.
Can't he see it in my eyes.
Guitar, drums, and harp.
THe beating of my own heart.
I can play all of those.
Only dad wants me to learn saxiphone.

"I can drive her."
His boyfriend mumbles.
I look at him.
His face now disorted from a car crash long ago.

I can still hear the screams,
feel the blod on his cheeks.
"I don't want to go to lessons."
It's cold out, and windy,
and starting to snow.
WE both know
it'd endanger his life again.

So I stay away from the door,
my brothe r holding my coat open for me,
waiting(Like he alwaysdoes) so patiently.
I stay,
playing with the carpet, picking at the strands.
Soon enough they'll figure it out,
with out me having to explain.