My friend sent me this today. Pretty cool, I guess.

My parents are demanding to be involved with the decision on my name.

I can't find on one on my own, apparently.

But, they're also putting off the name thing, because it makes them uncomfortable. Meaning I'm stuck in a nameless limbo. Half of me wants to say "screw you!" and choose my own name, but I need their support on this. I've started talking about how I'm nameless in emails and stuff- dropping it wherever I can fit it - to see if that's harder for them than letting me have a name that isn't female. Who knows?

When I was in middle school, I was totally into this show called Gundam Wing. In it, there's a character named Trowa, who actually had no name (He took the name 'Trowa' from some soldier he took down or something). They called him "Nanashi" (Japanese for "nameless"). I guess I'm a Nanashi, right now.

I want a name. I think that's a pretty legitimate thing to want. I can see why they're holding out- for one thing, it drags out this process even more. My parents work that way. They agree with you seemingly wholeheartedly, but dig their toes into the ground and slow stuff down as much as they can, all the while claiming to still believe thoroughly in the cause. Very passive-aggressive.

I can see why it's hard for them. They keep telling me I have to be patient with them- but if they force this to go how everything else in our household goes... (the walls in the upstairs and downstairs hall are bare drywall. They have been bare since fifth grade. I am now in college. They still haven't decided on a color to paint the walls. There hasn't been a banister on the stairs for that entire time. Because of that, I have fallen down the stairs with laundry baskets several times- one time with concussion.)

If this goes like everything else goes with them, I'm fucked.

I know I have to be patient with them, but I have things I need from them- and if they're not going to give me those things, I'd rather they didn't pretend they're going to give me those things. I need to know what they can do, and what they won't.

I just want a name. I'm not real without a name.

Oh, well. If they refuse to get it together, the trans shrink will put them in their place. Or I will. Or something. I'll name myself.

I wrote this mad long letter to my parents coming out as transsexual transmale FTM whatever whatever. I held back my emotions and refused to let myself feel anything at all when I sent it, because I was scared to feel much about it because I was so scared of what they were going to think. After I sent it, it felt surreal- I was staying over my friend's house, who lives near our college, and it was empty save him and me. He spent the whole time playing Doom in the basement, I spent the whole time on the top floor agonizing over the letter.

I've been feeling a lot like I'm about to collapse, lately. Sometimes, walking just to the dining hall, I feel like at any moment I will fall to the ground and my cheeks and fingers will smash into the dirt. I feel mostly impatient in a confused sort of way. I feel empty like I feel when I haven't eaten all day, and I get to the dining hall and it won't open for another five minutes- empty with both generic-hunger-emptiness and the added time-dragging anticipation for being full. Like the last half hour of work feels, which drags on for longer than all the other hours combined.

I need to be home. I need to be somewhere safe, and secluded. I need to get away from being around other people. I'm a final fantasy character, and I just did my overdrive attack. I've got nothing, right now. No HP and no MP and absolutely NO temper. I don't want to deal with anyone.

A lot of my friends are going through big events, right now. One of my friends just lost her sister. Another of my friends is having a difficult break-up with a many-years boyfriend. I wish everyone could just go home- nobody wants to be here (at college) anymore. Everyone has stuff to deal with, and nobody wants to deal with anyone else's stuff.

I wasn't rejected. That's the good news. My parents called today, and I missed the call- but called them back and talked for a while. I didn't really say much at all. My mom had a lot of weird things to say ("I'm going to take this one day at a time"), that made me kind of uncomfortable. My dad had a few hippie things to say ("I think your baby soul chose us, because you knew we would love you and help you no matter what you grew into") that I really liked hearing, that made me feel good. They both cried a LOT, and told me I was brave and stuff for telling them. Then my mom totally changed the subject to talk about totally random stuff, which was also weird, albeit understandable.

I'm glad for that. My dad is 100%. That's an enormous blessing. My mom's heart is in it- I think she is trying to get there. That's also an enormous blessing. She's a super feminist. I'm sure she's having lots of difficulty especially with the concept of surgery. I'm praying niether of them go into the mourning-a-lost-child place, and that if they do they get through it quickly. My parents really mean a lot to me, and I want this to be as easy for them as it can possibly be.

I hate being in school during this. I don't want my teachers and school administration to get involved in this: my private life. Eventually, they'll have to, because stuff will be changing, and this is a tiny, tiny college. I know that's a bit in the future, but I've got it on my mind.

I'm caught between not wanting to have to explain anything to anyone, and wanting everyone around me to understand.

Anyway, though, it was much more excellent than I expected.

I really feel like God is watching over me.

It isn't right because I want to run screaming from you.
It isn't right, because I know I don't love you-
because when I said 'yes' to you, I went back to my dorm room and felt nothing. The prospect of dating you didn't excite me at all.

This isn't right even though we're compatible. Even though it works. This isn't right even though you're gorgeous, kind, and intelligent. This isn't right, even though I respect you.

This isn't right, because I want to be free right now.

I'd rather be single than with someone I do not love.

This isn't right because you need too much from me.
Because you need me to cuddle up with you on the couch in your dorm in front of people who hate you like I'm your prize. Like I'm your justification. This isn't right because it's the first day I've been unhappy since I've gotten here.

I don't mean to tell you I don't like you, I just don't love you. I just can't love you. I respect you, but I don't love you. I cherish your friendship, but I cannot love you.

I'm so scared. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be your girlfriend.

This isn't right.

I found the thread, and pulled.
Through my belly, unravelling my insides.
They cut the root from the stem; it was a good thing.
Saviors... Hate...
It should be perfect, but one dead old man
continues to haunt the words "I love you"
and life is unlivable.
I don't regret breaking you, because
I haven't forgiven you.
If you were stronger, you wouldn't have hurt me.
I'm going to leave my dirty dishes in your sink for the rest of your life.
Perhaps it's just about the stars, and maybe
if I close my eyes for five more months
it will all pass
and everyone will smile again.

So I was watching TV last night, and this ad for LEVI Jeans came on- I'd seen it before, where he pulls up his pants and this phone booth pops up from the ground, and there's a hot lady there. She starts mad-doggin' him, and then he pulls his pants up the rest of the way (and the street and everything explodes into his room) and the lady gets out of the phone booth, and they walk off together.

SO, when the phone booth popped up, this time, I was astonished to see a MAN IN THE PHONE BOOTH!!! Woohoo!! They re-shot the commerical, so that it's two dudes, and the hot dude in the phone booth makes eyes at the guy pulling on his pants, and then THEY walk off together.

How awesome is that?

I mean, this new version of that ad might have been running for a while, and I just don't watch enough TV and to know that it's OLD NEWS or something- but.... Dude! National TV and stuff! (Or... At least Boston TV!)

original commercial, with a chick

NEW commerical, with a DUDE!!

She tells me I'm strong and it makes me weak.

She makes me weak.

I want to tell them I know more than they ever will. I want to stake a claim in her heart.
I want to break them when they hurt her.

I don't know if I'm being honest with myself.

I decided to make a drastic splurge and buy myself a LUTS doll. They're these super expensive korean resin ball-joint dolls that are absolutely gorgeous. They're extremely androgynous- it tells you in the title of each model whether it's a boy or girl, which is really helpful because it's often very hard to tell. The clothes don't help, either! For example, the model I ordered is named "Mill."
Here is what he looks like:
LUTS Kid Delf Boy MILL
Can you tell that's a boy? I can't.. I love him! It.. Whatever.
It doesn't matter the gender to me, anyway. I picked it for the shape of the face... Which is sort of how I am with real people.

"Hey, mom, I'm in love! I don't know what gender my lover is; I picked it for the face."

I'm an artist, and the prospect of painting it all myself (which you have to do, unless you get the factory paint option, which very few people do because it's impersonal and lame) and getting really in to the process- making clothes and such- excites me. I also didn't get one ever before, because I had no room for it- now, I've gotten rid of a lot of my old stuff (which cleared my head, too.. I guess.) That means I have room for it.

No regrets, though. You only live the life you're living once. Why waste time worrying about money? And! I want and love the doll!

I think I'm going to take that philosophy more seriously in my life to come. Why waste time worrying? If you want and love it, make it happen! If it ends, that means you can/should find something new to want and love! Ta-daa!

Today I was late getting out of the house.
The bus made lots of stops, because there were tons of people who wanted to ride it, today.
The train got stopped around four times in the tunnel...

...Somehow, I was the first person at work, today! What is THAT about? I was SO late, and ended up being TOTALLY early! Everything was locked, so I camped out outside the door until The Boss showed up.

E-heh-xcellent.

I guess I'll write a journal entry. I mean, what harm can it do?
(I just wrote a long entry, decided it was all crap, and deleted it! Gah!)

Okay! Okay. What can I write here?
I am...
A lesbian? No.
Pansexual. Pansexual? maybe...
Extra-picky-sexual.
Apart from all of that progressive thinking business,
how no-one has a certain gender or sexuality,
it's all about whom you love-
not what you classify yourself as-
AT THE MOMENT I would say that (hypothetically) my favorite type of person is someone who is FTM transgendered.

I want to explain myself, but usually leaving out the explanation works better.
For now, let's just say I like everyone! I like me! I like you! I like your friend! It's a party!

I'm at work right now, and sort of copping out on my responsibilities by writing here, so I guess I'll leave it at that, and write something MUCH better, later.

Er.. Ta-daa!
Journal one! Done!