and I don't know why, its like I watch everyone at my school hooking up and I to afraid to put myself out there, I'm lonely and it sucks!

To all the things I wish to tell you...
Is it absured to say that maybe just a little bit I am afraid of you?
No you would say, you shoud be
Why? So you can pretend you are so damn tough
So you can pretend you have the ability to hold both our worlds up
Even though both of us are crumbling in anger and depression
The weather is wearing against our bricks and we are beging to currode
You do not care, you will not give in
Why? I want to ask, are you afraid to?
Afraid to admit
I'm not afraid to say it: I love you,
It took me so damn long but I might as well be honest

I've been feeling odd, not like I'm sad just like someone has wripped me open took out everything inside my stomach and chest and sown me back up together again, and I don't know how to tell you any of this, I can't get close enough to you, even when I am lying in your arms I wish I was closer...and I know you don't love me, your hers, but I wish I could kiss you. I wish I could curl back up and fold into the place from where I came from, I wish I could fold myself up into the womb and make the loneyless stop. I need someone inside.

I haven't been on here in forever, I'm not even sure how long it's been. I almost forgot about this site. So much has happened, for me this is the sight for meeting people, keeping in contact with them, forming a relationship with them over a period, wishing to see them, having my heart hurt, trying to reach out to them and having them break off contact with me. Even though I may still even love them...

If I stayed up late
and waited for your call
and drank myself warm cups of tea to wash away the chill
If I set you out a cup
and left a cube of sugar
and sung until my heart hurt and lungs began to burst
I doubt it'd be enough for you,
If I lit you candles
and tried to summon you
and wished you wash away my pain
I doubt it'd be enough for you,
and what if I told you that I wished you'd decapitate me
and make residence inside my head
would you keep me company and fight away the dread?
and what if I told you I can feel the cage of my ribs,
begin to rattle

No...I shall not make the first move,
Because as we all know a good chess player never moves first
And the opponent will willing fall into this dance,
No...I shall not move my queen
Because while you were saying that you loved me
Your lips were on another,
And we all know what jealous can do,
It can turn the soilders greatest weapon into a raving loon
While they were standing in position
Awaiting for the call
He was out in the garden,
With tweleve drinks or more,
Crying to Ms. Pennington that the wedding was simply forced,
And while the rest went into action, guns a'waited high,

So today was good, I went downtown and bought a wig that I am excited about and I got to go to my favorite store of all time. It is an occult shop I guess you'd say because they have Wiccan things like tarot decks and robes and spell books. But they also have stones, jewlery and Buddist and Christian and a whole ton of other symbols of religion. Its a tiny crowed places that smells of incence-but not enough to make me sick-and one of the only places I feel that no stress can come to me. I love it there.

You have just sculled a whole bottle of vodka, what are you doing?
From a couple sips I am giggling and rocking back and forth.

Could you go for the rest of your life without drinking alcohol?
I'm sure I could, I hope I would be able too.

You're insanely drunk stumbling through the streets, slurring songs, who are you with?
Leilani and Brielle.

Do you miss anyone?
All the time, I miss a lot of people, two inperticular.

Next time you will kiss someone?
If I'm lucky soon...but I doubt my angles like me that much to grant me that

You say its hard...and god I don't know what I want. I want....to much I suppose. I want to be in your bed, to feel your house...you. Because your room, your home that is the biggest things I crave about a person next to touch. Just to say that I can lie in your bed, god I can't tell you of that craving.

All you can here from that crowded room
Is the sound of the keys she is stroking
And carefully she hides her fate from the ones that can destroy it
And whispered conversations at night
About their pervous life
As the sounds that pore out from the player ring loud
And all you can hear is the music
There is the constant quiet sound that lets you know shes talking
And so much worse could have happened
And yet society....
The deams it not correct or noble
Does not ask for me.
And what has started to unfold is simply now repeating

Out of Loneliness by Unknown
What would you say if I asked of you
- out of loneliness, out of loneliness
What would you say if I asked of you
- out of loneliness, out of loneliness
Could I be with you
Can I be with you

It’s warm inside the night club
Your face is lit up by a disco light
I don’t want to go home alone, not tonight
I have a picture of a man who used to sit in that
chair
I will go anywhere
Just as long as I’m with someone
You will do, just take me home for tea

If I told you my stories and sang you my songs
Would you laugh at me
Would you pity me

69 Odd Questions. Copy and paste. BE TRUTHFUL.

1) Are your parents married or divorced?
Divorced, then my mom remarried

2) Are you a vegetarian?
no but id like to be.

3) Do you believe in Heaven?
Not really.

4) Have you ever come close to dying?
do two different surgurys count? How bout a gum graft?

5) What jewelry do you wear 24/7?
necklace, espually my rings or naked lady, she represents female power.

6) Favorite time of day?
night time.. usually around eleven maybe?

7) Do you eat the stems of broccol?
I try not to.

8) Do you wear makeup?

The sunbeams, golden-yellow, cast shadows of thick iron bars,
they reach you, and your heart begings to beat faster,
little bird you flap your wings, small mind thinking that will make it barable
the sun burns the feathers from your flesh,
a smell that will never relinquish
And the housing complain
"That smell, there must be somthing you can do..."
"People will never move in under these conditions."
Oh yes, I smile your circus is straining.
You pull on my strings, I lift my hand, hand to mouth
Release the thought from my mind
The elephant man that stands on the ball,

I wander the ailes of my ever changing subconcious,
I realize my actions are pretentious but I do not understand how to change it,
Am I that bad? Do you even care for me anymore?
Best friend, why don't I feel it?
I pored my heart out years ago, to someone who seemed confused to take it.
And still I hang on to those small strings of hope,
I just wish I was strong enough to find the truth for myself
But I am terrified that after all my years of yerning,
after all those months of begging for your affection,
they would disinigrate with the words I want to ask you

Alright to my day...involved my fear and emotionally/physical drain from the blood drive. I HATE needles, they are the whole reason I was in therapy and cousiling because I am unable to deal with it. So today I was heading to PE like always and the first thing I see is people laying down in those chairs and I personally don't even remember seeing the needles but it was just the promis that they were there was enough to cause me to start hyperventalating. To the point where I was laughing, which is what I do when I'm really freeked out and trying not to cry.