FRIENDS ARE A BUNCH OF STUPID ASS HOLE!
ALL YOU DO IS BE A FUCKING GOOD ASS FRIEND AND ALL THEY DO IS SCREW YOU OVER.
YOU BE THE NICEST YOU CAN AND ALL THEY DO IS FUCK YOU UP.
I GIVE UP
FOR REAL THIS TIME.
....
..
.
WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU DONT KNOW WHO TO TRUST?
WHEN EVERYONE SEEMS TO BE JUST RADING BEHIND YOUR BACK?
CAN ANYONE JUST BE TRUE?
AND STUPID ACTING LIKE LITTLE FUCKING KIDS?

I hate just rambling about my problems.
But I needed to go to someone or something.
I just want to seem all okay.
But I know you all probably know i'm not.
So i'm sorry.

I feel like everything is falling apart.
Like i'm suddently not good enough.
I hate this feeling.
I'm like a serious depprsent.
And I just want to be happy.
Love just seems to bring problems.
And i'm just scared.
Do you know how hard it is to just want to be happy?
I want to be understood.
I'm so scared and I hate that feeling.
I hate going to the same people for my problems..
Sorry but everyone just keeps giving the same DAM advice.
My heart hurts like hell and I just want to run away.
But I don't want to be like this.
I dont want to please. No.
I dont want to go back to being a suicidal, drug and alcohalic.
Last night thats all I could think about.
Alcohal.
I know thats not good.
Expecally for someone my age.
Help..
Life just please get better.
I seem like a bad friend and daughter and sister and mommy.
I just want to be good. And be helpful
I'm so tired of fighting with life!
I just want to scream and lose control!
Love is to complicated.
I'm in love with this boy.
And he loves me back so dearly.
But sometimes i'm just to dam pathetic or stupid to see that.
I ..
I just want so much things.
So much things to be easier.
So much things to be prettier.
I dont want to not be happy with myself.
I want to understand life.
I want to understand myself.
It hurts so bad.
My heart hurts so bad.
Why cant we just understand and be understood?
Why do we have to be judged?
Why cant people just stop being ass holes?
I just want to be happy.
I just want to be happy.
I just want to be understood.
I just want so much things to get better.
I just want to stop trying.
I just want to ..
Sometimes.. I just want to give up on everything and everyone.
But i'm so scared.
So scared.
To scared.
Someone.
Something.
Please come and take my hand and help me up.
I just need someone ..
Someone to help.
Someone to help me understand.
...
..
.
I'm so tired of hurting.
So tired .
Of trying to be someone im not.
So tired of trying to make you happy.
So tired of trying so hard to get her attention.
So hard ..
I'm so tired of oh so many things.
I dont know where to end.
I dont know what to say?
All I know is that I just want this all to become easier.

SHIT!!
Look about 6 months back I felt the same way.
But things got better.
So much better.
But now why do I feel like everything is falling apart?
Why?
I feel so STUPID!
Sometimes. I swear.
ERR!!
I just..
Okay.

I'm sorry, for you guys who actually read this..
I was so not in a good mood.
Actaully after all this rambaling i'm still NOT!
FUCK!

But thanks anyway.
For trying to think of something to say.
Thanks for trying to help.
And thanks for not being able to.

Well my close friends were the first to find out.. Then I went on and broke the silence with my Mom..
I'm out to my Mom (The most, because the very first time I mentioned it she accepted me.. And she kept it a secret. Thats the one thing i'm most greatfull of. Having a mother who accepts me no matter who I choose to be.. And I know Mothers.. Or parents like that are hard to find), kinda Dad. Sister's to young to understand. Tryed talking to Grandparents, they HATE the topic so they always change it.. So they are still kinda clueless.. Greatgrandma.. Hmm.. She took it as I was telling her something else, since she's old I just let it go. Aunty, I told her oneday, she said she'd always love me no matter what.. But she'd like me to take a serious thought about this. Friends? Most of them that I trust and people that I know like my friends friends who I just make and are gay or bi too.. I tend to be out to people if I get the comterable vibe. If not I just keep it on the down low.

Over the last few weeks I have been having diffrent types of lesbian fantasies. Some are with people I know, and others are with people I never met. I really enjoy the dream and wonder, why is this keep playing in my mind when i'm asleep? So i've been worring.. See, i'm in a relationship with a guy who knows i'm bi, but .. I just seem weird always having dreams about girls.. Even one of the dreams was about this girl I used to like and still kinda do.. I just want to know if they are other people out there who share this curiousity about this or feel the same way I do.. or is it just me?

I have been asking myself lately, 'do I want to live in the life of God?' and all the time the answer is not clear because I find all the negative thoughts from Christians and all the negativity in the bible. I mean, I don't want to be hated by someone who may or may not really exist. I just think.. Don't you want to at least try to live in the life of god? So I told myself I would give it a try. But it didn't seem to work because all the negativity from the bible kept coming to my mind. And i'm definitely not going to change my sexuality because of my choice of religion. I finally come to conclusion of what I am and I just want to be loved for who I am and if someone doesn't like me because i'm gay or bi then I don't really care. I mean don't get me wrong. Its a hell of a hard process 'coming out and all' but in the end its worth it and makes life a lot more easier. So I guess your wondering what i'm trying to say. Well i'm trying to ask you for your opinion. Is there something wrong with being Christian and Gay?
Thanks and you guys i'm sorry I haven't been on in a long time. I've been having a rough one. Anyway take care and hope all of you are doing good.

"your the only one who can make yourself think of bad memories, so just don't think about it and you'll be fine." everyday people are saying things like these as advice without even thinking what if they were in the situation. When you think about it you think, that does make sense but if only life was that simple. In life you just can't simply forget about something because it makes you sick to your stomach when you do. Yea you don't want to but it just pops in your mind during the occasional day. Bad memories are hard to live with but you got to understand that you just cant simply get them erased. Memories live with you forever, and sadly you don't have a choice which memory you want to keep. When sometimes you cant even sleep due to bad memories and even when you try your hardest to block it out by thinking about something else that doesn't necessarily work. In that case, you have to understand that there are going to be bad memories in life that you just want to erase but you cant and thats when you have to realize life does have good memories too. And to get good memories you have to hold on to life at the toughest times and live through it.

Same-sex in the city
( So your prince charming maybe a Cinderella ) is a awesome book.
The journey from sexual curiosity to finally coming out can be confusing without proper guidance and empowering role models. In Same Sex in the City, Lauren Levin and Lauren Blitzer provide women -- gay, straight, and bi-curious alike -- with firsthand insight into the advantages and challenges of being a lesbian. In prose that is at once honest and uplifting, the Laurens relate their own experiences and those of the women they interview, as well as offer serious advice, titillating anecdotes, and a positive attitude for girls who know they're gay -- and for those who are wondering about their sexuality but are not yet sure whether their Prince Charming is really a Cinderella.

Part confessional, part informational, Same Sex in the City covers the gamut of lesbian life -- from dating to heartbreak, and from hooking up with straight chicks to raising a family. It's the book that millions of women have been searching for -- a relationship guide that will help every woman come to terms with and celebrate her sexuality, whatever it may be.

i'm back to being single & back to being gay..
yea, thats about it..
how r u all?
merry christmas

I wish with all my heart i could say "i'm a lesbian, deal with it!" but i can't.. and i hate that about me, not being happy wiht who i am..

i dont know why life has to suck so much sometimes...
i hate having so much discrimination in the world..
and evrybody keeps saying just ignore it-there stupid if they give a shit if your gay or not... but its just hard, and expecally if you want to be out of the closet more, but your scared and i am.. i just want it to be easy, why did i have to end up being this way! i want love to just be uncomplicated but its not and being gay doesnt help make it easier... im over fake friends and im over people thinking they can hurt you and just keep asking for second chances... i want to be happy, but its just hard.. and sometimes its to hard. im tired of telling the same people my problems and making them feel sorry for me.. its just if i keep it all inside i just get to hurt and fustrated. i want to be loved for who i am and i dont want the worry of wondering if that person loves you back. i want someone to text me right when i wake up and say they love me, i want someone to look forward to hearing my voice, i want someone to hold me when im sad.. i guess i just want life to be easy and for love to be something that doesnt have to be so hard to find, or for people to be eaiser to trust.. i dont know.. i just dont know

a lot of times i wonder why am i this way? (why am i gay) an a lot of times i come with the conclusion that i was meant to be this way, and that i should be happy being like this..
but for some reason, i am happy at times but at others i feel so sad for being someone my family (well some of them) didn't want me to end up being..
and i know its harder to be gay than to be straight and i ain't exactly having an easy life right now and being gay doesn't really help the situation.
i feel like i have this empty space in my heart that needs to be filled, and friends just don't seem to take up that space- even family.. i know that to be happy and to enjoy being this way i have to find someone who really loves me and can show me that..
i've given love many times but i never received it in the way i need it (which is relationship wise) i've fallen for people way to many times and all i end up getting is a broken heart.. and the people that do really love me, that do really fall for me- are to far away to even work out..
and right now i really don't know what to do anymore..
and i don't know how much more times i can take getting hurt.