I haven't been on in a.. long... while. I have no time anymore to read through every post and write long rats about nothing anybody(including myself) could possibly care about.

This school year started with motivation and 2 AP classes. I've been pouring out songs that I can actually bear to listen to, and am in an audition choir at my school. I am confident and well-balanced.

But somehow, I am balanced perfectly on the edge of a cliff, staring at the ocean beneath and the sunset in front of me. The breeze blows my already too-long hair and I waver.

I just need to keep this momentum going. This school, homework, and friends cycle that won't end. I am a responsible and motivated individual who can and will succeed. I sound like a cheap self-help book only the pathetic and hopeless with buy.

I'll manage.

Do you remember that time when we were driving and you were speaking, and I was writing down what you had to say? Do you remember that, Luna?

She smiled down at me from her watchtower in the sky and looked at me lovingly. She’s pining for something, I don’t know what. Her eyes and mouth moved to form the words I needed to hear. She was comforting me. She was a friend to whom I could tell my troubles and she would listen.

But she would also cry. She was always crying from her watchtower in the clear night sky, and I was the only one to hear her sobs. We were sisters in heart and soul and we shared our tears. I was the only one who could hear her, the only one who could understand.

Everyone else calls her the moon. But I use her proper name, Luna. She is the watcher of the night. She sees into the soul of each suffering person and sweetly whispers songs of kindness into their eyes. She wants so badly to embrace them, to hold them, to tell them that everything’s going to be okay. But she is distant and she is suffering too.

Luna is my guardian. Her bright light guides and inspires. Her deep, forlorn eyes plead for someone to hear her song. She sings of raw emotion. She sings of forgotten love, or passion, of regret, and of joy. And she loves with the love of a thousand mothers.

Do you remember, Luna? Do you remember when our two voices were the only ones in the midst of the ether that rang true? Do you remember our love, and your deep emotions? You are still sad, Luna. You still cry every night when you feel suffering. But don’t let it get you down. Feel the love of a thousand mothers and Live. Live, Luna. Learn to Live.

This school year is nearly over.
thank whoever it is needs to be thanked

I'm a completely different person from who I was this time 12 months ago, and I think I'm more myself. I've been on a long journey to try to find myself, and I'm somewhere entirely new and different. I think it's nice here. I'd like to stay here a while.

Also, I was elected to be next year's GSA vice president. That should be fun.

And finals are next week, but all of my teachers decided to assign final projects (except math and spanish) so I've been working excruciatingly hard on those, even though I don't need to.

My grandpa's memorial service is Saturday, the day after school gets out.

I've never been so ready for change. (Not of myself, but of the situation... whatever)

School is almost finished for the year
the year that went by so fast could never have been stretched out longer

my dad says that I have to just hold on as hard as I can for the next week and a half and then I can finally break free

my grandpa died three( or so, time is so convoluted) weeks ago and I have yet to mourn

The week that he was incapacitated, after his stroke, was a blur.
I know that I cried a lot and hugged my family

But I had to pull it together the next day
He died on a Sunday, and I took a math test on Monday

I have to keep holding on
I can't let myself break open

I can't let myself open
until then

Until then, I leak sometimes
slowly letting out feeling

but I hold most of it in

I count the days

So I haven't been online in...... forever.
The reason I am now is that I can't go to school, so I have the day to do with as I please (well not exactly).

My grandpa had a stroke. He spent all of Sunday in the ER and then they moved him to a real room. he fell into what my dad calls a deep sleep, but what is essentially a coma. My dad decided to take him home, so my grandpa is sleeping in his room (he's lived with us on and off all my life).

He's not going to live more than a few weeks, so my entire family's staying at my house, with the exception of my cousin with the stomach flu.

Needless to say, I've spent most of the time not at school (and some at school) crying.

I couldn't face going to school today. I went on Monday and Tuesday, but I couldn't focus

Oh, and more stress:
My dad's going to sell his house, but it has to be on realty tour by Tuesday. With 9 people in the house, it's going to be kind of difficult to clear everything out.

And even more stress:
My body seems to be waging a war on me. I understand how the cold sores could be stress-related (kind of), but random aches and pains that make it nearly impossible to either hold still or stand up sometimes?

Weird.

Ha. I'm on spring break!

Which means that I have the time to do stuff I actually want to be doing. Like going to the farmers market, writing songs, and reading. Oh, and watching movies and baking bread and not having to worry about anything and going on walks in the foresty areas near my house and watching Red Sox games and and and, you get the point. What I'm not going to do is get together with any of my friends. Well, maybe not not at all, but not much. I've had enough socializing. I need a break from society......

Ooh, and it's really hot here, nearly summer. So riding in my dad's convertible is even more awesome than it usually is.

Once upon a time, there was a land filled with wonder and delight and all of God's happy fluffy creations. All the creatures lived happily. And then God made Eve. And he saw that she was perfect. And Eve because friends with all of the happy animals and it was good. But none of the animals could talk, and Eve began to get lonely because God was too busy with everything to talk to her. So God made Me. And even though Eve's beauty and kindness was so much greater than mine, now she was happy. And I was happy, too, in that land of wonder and delight and happy creatures. And Eve and I lived there being happy together and with the fluffy animals. And God said, "be fruitful and multiply," and we tried. All of the other animals gradually became more, but there was just no way. So we shrugged and decided that we didn't need any more people because we were happy with each other. We decided to eat fruit instead. But God was really worried because we were the only one of his creations that wasn't working properly. So God made Adam. And Adam was so stunned by Eve's beauty that he did everything he could to take her away from me. And Eve saw that she found something in Adam that she hadn't seen in me, and that was more than just someone to talk to and keep warm at night. So Adam and Eve lived there together, and they were fruitful and multiplied. But I was always jealous of Adam and I cursed their children. One was a jealous, spiteful child and killed the other. And because I had caused so much anger in the world, God made me doomed to a life without anyone even to talk to and I couldn't connect with anyone as I had with Eve.

Nothing seems to be happening in my life. But seeing as I'm in charge of it, that probably makes sense, because I'm not doing anything. Just walking throughout the day. Standing, sitting, eating, sleeping. I talk when I'm supposed to. I laugh whenever I notice I'm supposed to. I basically live as minimally as I can get away with. I don't take in anything because I've built a wall around myself that not even I can get to. I'm sorry I'm an unfeeling bitch. But this time I'm not trying to figure out who I am, but what my place is in the world, the world that has been built around me.

And on a slightly less melodramatic note, I came up with a stage namey thingy.
JT Blake.
After the poet, ya know?

Sometimes I don't know why
but then these moments come
and with them
reasons need not blind themselves
in the brilliance

I missed you, you know.

But now again
true feelings show
nothing goes
how it's planned

Because I can't keep up with
what's demanded

And you always know

trying to show me
what I should be
helps you, not me

Please

I don't know

I really and truly don't know

I know that I’ve always
Thought you so wise and true
But now that I question;
Can it still be true

That you have the flaws
I have seen before this time
While only in searching
For more
From

Nothing is Nowhere
is
know-how
is
how-to

How to do what you do

Never is how far
I’ve come for someone
Reliable

You’ve told me what
others can’t put into a phrase
That I’m a sad
mole underground
Living there, eating there
not even breathing there

My hope is smothered
My my own sad stare

You’ve told me I should
See the sunlight
That shines in others eyes

Not in so many
melodramatic
phrases about
windblown hair

for

Nothing is Nowhere
is
know-how
is
how- to
how to do what I needed to

for
never is how far
I’ve come
for someone
Reliable

An instance
a circumstance
barely holding on
Waiting for thousands of years

I know that I should
at least try to stay up
So that the string
won’t catch hold again

I ask what’s wrong with me
and you hold me close to see
I am the universe
for a single millisecond

Such are the fantasies
They keep on bugging me
‘till
I
Will
Somehow
REALIZE

that

Nothing is Nowhere
is
know-how
is
how-to

how to do
what you told me to

Never is how far
I’ve come
for someone
Reliable

In the heat
of the afternoon
Standing trees take up too much room
Nothing’s too much
for us

And the world is
crying
for someone
stronger than me
to take on
Responsibility

Of the lightness above
dangling so far
it blinds me

In every heartbroken soul
each sound pities me
while I sing:

Nothing is Nowhere
is
know-how
is
how-to

How to do what we all know to

Never is how far
I’ve come for someone
Reliable

And the earth sings
Take off those tap shoes
that top hat, those silly blues
and come do what I want you to

‘cause you cannot survive
with a big mouth and swollen pride
Just keep trying

for

Everything is Everywhere
even up in the air

Try to know this

how to do what you were put here to do

Do the dance
of
the citizen
for me

And let the dance
of
the parakeet
go free

For in your own little world
nevermore
in your own little world

I don’t know what is in store
I’m just tired
of holding up
your end of the score

This game
I’m acting for you
Can’t go on
Without you

Join in:

No;
Nothing is Nowhere
is
know-how
is
how-to

how to do what you will do
now
for you

I feel lost without someone to obsess over. I'm pointless without a person to crave. But somehow, it's more genuine than something, because I was only fooling myself in the first place.

I go through obsessions. Mostly bands. Sometimes people. Every time, I fool myself into believing that that's the only thing in the world. And I do it just to have something tangible to think about and talk about and have a purpose for. When I don't have obsessions to distract me, I get depressed easily. Even though the obsessions are just tricks of my mind. The only obsession that made me depressed was Bright Eyes, probably because I listened to Poison Oak a few hundred too many times. But I don't know what to do with myself, really.

I'm done with my homework and it's only 5. I think this is a first. And I did the actually assignment for English, instead of just writing what's in my head at the moment. So now I'm free to read and play music and shtufffs.

Also, I got a letter the other day. It was from my mom's friend Cindy. She's a lesbian and has a wife, two kids and a family... Sorry. But she used to be around a lot. But the last time I was her was at my bat mitzvah, which was two years ago. She wrote me a nice letter and gave me a check for $75! That was pretty cool. She said to think of it as a birthday/Christmas/new year's/whatever other holiday there is gift.

Annnnd, on a completely irrelevant topic, I've been feeling depressed again sometimes. Just little bursts of it, now and then. And I find myself always wanting to talk about myself (more than usual). That's probably not good either.

And another thing (last one, I promise). I've been feeling a lot closer to my dad lately. That's pretty cool because a while ago I loathed him with a passion and hated being around him. But now I'm finding that the things we have in common (all 2,741 of them) aren't bad. They're just.....Unique.

No megusta mi tarea.
I have so much work. So I procrastinated by making tortillas and playing my songs on my keyboard. And remembering a particularly emo song i wrote a while ago. My throat started hurting from singing so emo-ly, so I made myself a cup of tea. It burned my tongue. And I'm depressed because my parents are gone (at my sister's soccer game) and I can't do anything productive because I have this giant weight on my shoulders (homework).
I want to write, I want to sing, I want to read, I want to practice my songs. I want to figure out why my brand-new ipod deleted everything off of itself. But I'm going to have to be a good little girl and do what I was told to do. But at least I don't cut myself anymore.....

School again. The monotonous act that seems to lengthen as the day goes on. Talking to certain people (just a type of person, not a specific person) makes me sick. I'd much rather be at home writing/playing/recording music. Reading or writing. Dancing in the rain.....
But I'm stuck in classrooms from 8-3:30....... Listening to the same voices say the same things. But I actually really did enjoy seeing my friend Jess today. She had spent her break in England and was very happy to be home. She was very bouncy and happy and just fun to be around.
This morning, I had to get to school really early because my dad had to drop off my sister and bla bla bla. So I walked around for a while, then I went into the library. I had not forgotten that Sabrina (longtime crush/obsession) didn't have 0 period PE anymore, but I had forgotten that she liked helping out in the library. I didn't notice her when I came in, but when I was looking through the extensive Vonnegut section, I saw her behind the desk chatting with people I subsequently sank down in a corner and tried to concentrate on a random book I had taken off of the shelf. I left when I could and went to PE. I'm going to do a swing dance routine with this really sweet guy who's so amazingly good at it. Then History. My teacher showed everyone their semester grade. I was piiiiiiiiiiiiised. I have a B. Because of the final. The essay part. That sucked. But it's okay now. Then Math. I have an A in math, so it's all good. No, I really don't care about grades that much, I mean, I don't stress over them. But just the fact that my teachers asses me means I HAVE to care, right???

But school's over now. I have to memorize every song for the musical. Oh, shit. I officially hate this show.

Yesterday was a Bad Bad Bad Bad day. I never really thought that a day without school could possible be a bad day. But it was. I was at home just pacing around and doing nothing. I knew I was supposed to be doing a lot of other shit I didn't want to think about. But I couldn't. I never even got out of my pajamas. I just read all day. I read The Passion, which was really good. It was about these two people during Napoleon's reign. It was weird, too. Awesomeness. And I read the first part of Dracula. That was pretty cool too.

Then I spent an hour or so researching how to raise chickens. I found out which breeds have the best temperaments, and which are the best egg layers. And I also found out what kind of coops are the best. When I should feed them and collect the eggs, and if I should have a rooster. It's all very interesting. The thing is, my dad was thinking about getting chickens. So my mom gave my sister an incubator so that we could hatch our own eggs. It's pretty exiting.

Anyway. I made a vegetable, brown rice, and tofu stir-fry for my mom and sister. But by then I was too depressed to eat any of it. So my mom helped me make a list of all the things I was supposed to do, which only made me more depressed because I hadn't done any of them. I've accomplished 4 out of 10 so far.

I went to bed early, and just kind of lay there and read Harry Potter and wrote about how my day sucked.

Looking forward to school?
Of COURSE?!?!? What are you talking about?
I mean, what's not to love about school?
There's so much to do during the school day! I walk from class to class. I sit in class and wait for everyone else to quiet down. I wait patiently while the teacher takes attendance. Then I wait for her to explain what we'll be doing. Then the teacher talks more and I take notes. Then I get a sheet of paper and doodle on it while the teacher explains what to do. Then I begin the worksheet, which usually involves filling in the blanks or reading a few paragraphs. Then the teacher goes over "the answers." Then I go to the next class. Five classes are like this. The only two that aren't are choir and P.E. Choir is fun enough. Usually, we warm up, move the risers, and maybe get to sing a couple of bars of a song or two. And P.E. is hell. On a stick. Scratch that. P.E. is hell on a spork. During our brunch and lunch periods, I weave my way through the sea of sweaty teenage boys and made-up, slutty teenage girls. I struggle to locate my "group" through the babble and hustle and bustle of everyone trying to find their "group" and stand around in a circle (the bigger the diameter, the better). They talk about things relevant only to themselves. That's all we think about. How this person likes that person and how this person wore -gasp- the same SHOES as someone else on the same day. And I find my people and I listen to them talk about he hot boys in those weird Japanese movies I hate. And I laugh with other people about how weird they are. And everyone complains about the homework and the stupid teachers (thee are none, but everyone seems to think that their teachers suck. Now I hate that. Teachers are the people I most respect in this world). And when the school day finally ends, I get to go home. And do my homework. And grab a bite to eat. And do more homework. And not have time to learn about anything I'm not told to learn about. Or read anything I'm not told to read. Or think anything I'm not told to think. Just kidding. But still. School is an adventure. A monotonous, time consuming adventure, but an adventure all the same. They say that it prepares you for later life. But I think that we are living now. Shouldn't we be able to experience life as we can? Schooll takes up so much of our time and energy. It infiltrates our home life and crowds our minds with uneccessary stresses and grienvances. Now, I'm not calling for the eradication of school or anything, just some reforms. My English teacher assigned us articles to read about how some schools have made school a better place to really learn, and I really see that as a great alternative. I don't remember what it was called, but I do remember it illustrated an example of The Perfect School. It sounded like heaven......

So, this, of course, is my response to the fact that I have to go back to school on Wednesday and I'm realizing that I have to get my butt into gear again. Fun, Fun.