that's what I feel like I'm doing. mind you, we're only like, what? 2, 3 weeks into summer vacation? (at least for me, mine started June 10th.)

I feel like I should be working. Or hanging out with friends.

I'd rather hang out with my buddies, only problem is... they all have paying jobs. XD Funny, last summer, I was the one working everyday, and my friends were the ones stuck at home with nothing to do. Oh the irony...

So, in other news, A and I are talking again. I'm happy. Today we were talking about music and he sent me a bunch of songs, and I really liked them <3 I'm just so happy that this whole mess is behind us now. After that crap happened between us and we stopped talking, I missed him so much-- not because there was a chance of being with him romantically, but because of the time we spent together. I missed that, talking with someone who understood me, people watching with him, laughing at each other's jokes. He made me happy, simple as that. And then we made that one mistake that fucked everything up. But it's in the past, and I'm not letting that stop me from being A's friend. So I hope we can hang out soon, like before. Maybe watch a movie, do some people watching.

I'm so excited, I leave for Puerto Rico in *counts on his fingers* 6 days from now! God I can't wait to leave. It's going to be great, hopefully, if it doesn't rain or anything. I want to spend ample time at the beaches there, tropical beaches beat the Jersey shore any day. And I want to go to the Camuy caves again, I went on my last trip without a camera (a good camera anyway), so I missed out on all sorts of cool shots. I'd also like to hit one of the Taino Indian tribal parks, learn a little about my history... I've been researching the Taino culture's religious systems lately, so I want to learn a little more. And I want to visit at least one museum and the family graves (pay my respects). I think I'll get it all done, I do have 10 days there.

Then, when I come back, well... I have no idea what I'll be doing. I'd like to go to New York with some friends during the summer though. Do a little sightseeing, shopping... every time we go to New York, we always visit family. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but New York is such a great place that it seems that it seems wasteful to spend 2 hours there visiting family... especially after a 2 hour drive.

Warning! Short theological essay ahead! Brain damage may ensue.

My mother said a very funny thing to me today.

“You know there’s only one God, right? I know you’re curious about all those other religions... but there’s only One True God.”

She points to the crucifix and extends her arms to mimic the death of Christ.

My mother is right. Unfortunately, she is only half-right and limited in her view.

There is only one God. But God takes on many forms for all sorts of people.

Not very long ago, I disliked using the very word ‘God’ (with a capital ‘G’) because it embodied the Catholic Christian upbringing that had always terrorized me and mutilated my view of the Divine. So I used other terms, ‘Spirit’, ‘The Creator’, etc., which are fine to use, but they were terms that seemed unfamiliar to me. What I failed to understand was that ‘God’ did not belong to Christians. ‘God’ was not their possession to throw about and justify their hatred. Realizing this, I became more comfortable with using ‘God’; because ‘God’ is not a vengeful old man who will send me to Hell because I don’t follow a religious path that a bunch of people claim to be the One (and Only) True Way to the Divine. God is so much more than that.

For me, God is not only the Lord and Lady, the Divine Union. God is also the wildfire, the earth, the vast oceans, and the wide expanse of the sky. God is much more than my mother’s God, a vengeful old man sitting somewhere on a cloud, telling those punks down there in Hell to turn down their death metal music or He’s going to send His Son down there to fuck some shit up. God exists not only as Odin, or Zeus, or Pan, but also as Ata Bey, as Kali, as Isis. God is everything, but God is also apart from everything. God is the nucleus, the heart, the center of all that is, but God is also everything that is, ever was, and will be. God is many things to me. Sometimes God is a woman, manifested in the Earth beneath my feet and the Moon in the night sky above my head. Sometimes God is a man, illuminating the world with the power of the Sun. Sometimes God is a man with an elephant’s head and many arms. God will take on whatever form is most comfortable for you, but at heart, God is the one staring you back in the mirror.

You are a part of God. God is a part of you. Don’t ever forget it.

There is only one God. God has many masks, many faces, is present everywhere, and is the heart of all things. God is present in you, in me, in your friends, your family, and in the strangers that pass you by. God is never far away. Simply look within, and you will find the Divine Essence, the One, the All. God is unknowable, yet familiar, like a best friend you can call upon at any time. That is what God is to me.

What is God to you?

I'm afraid to ask you something very important.

I'm afraid to tell you about the way I feel.

I'm afraid because I don't know if things are going to be different.

The audacity of some people and their lack of concern for the environment... it really pisses me off.

To think, that people assume they can live an lifestyle that is disastrous for the environment with no repercussions. That people realize what they are doing is harmful, and they don't care. It astounds me, this lack of concern for the planet. I'll admit, I've never been 100% eco-conscious, I slip up. But I've gotten better, I choose things wisely, I avoid things that I know are harmful for Mother Earth.

We only have one planet, people. As much as scientists dream of colonizing Mars or the Moon, it's probably not going to happen. And why would you want to? The Earth is a beautiful, awe-inspiring place, when you look past all the destruction mankind is responsible for. Think about it... mysterious rainforests, lush valleys, deep oceans, creatures of all sorts, mountains that reach towards the heavens... all of that is at risk because of decisions we make every day. And it sickens me when people justify their destruction because "living eco-friendly is too hard", or when they outright refuse to admit that things like global warming or the North Pacific Trash Gyre (which is essentially a giant mass of plastic floating in the Pacific) actually exist.

Please, for the love of all things holy and righteous in this world, think about the things you do and how they'll affect the ecosystem, PLEASE!

what do you say to someone who apologizes to you months after they hurt you tremendously and now wants to start over? I haven't a clue. I mean, I put the situation behind me now, I'm over it. And now he comes along and apologizes, and wants to start over...

Part of me just wants to go with it, the other part tells me that not to trust him b/c he'll just hurt me all over again.

I have no idea of what to do. But I know for a fact that all my friends would be pissed if they found out I was hanging around him again.

I need a drink. Or a prayer. Whatever comes first, I guess.

junior year is over~!

I'm so happy. My last day in that hellhole of a school (OK it's not that bad I admit, but I still hate it) was yesterday. so I went in, sat through an awards ceremony (I was given a perfect conduct award, irony), got my fabulous yearbook, gave back texts, and said bye to some people I won't be seeing until September.

so I have a tiny bit of trepidation about next year... looking back, this year went by fast, so imagine next year! I hope I can keep up... but, it's still a few months away, so I'll worry about it then.

from time to time I wonder about certain things, I mean, we all do. like, what's the meaning of life, what's my destiny, etc.

today, during the car ride home, I started thinking about one question in particular:

why did Goddess make me gay?

if you're religious, you've probably wondered about this at one point. why did God/Goddess/Higher Power make me gay?

I have been taught that life in this world is an ongoing learning experience.
Knowing this, I believe that Goddess made me gay because she wanted to teach me about acceptance and self-confidence. to accept who I am without question, to become completely comfortable in my own skin.

"so, has it?" you ask.

coming out to myself taught me a great deal. when I look back to that span of time in 7th grade, when I was so afraid of myself, frightened by that boy staring me back in the mirror, and when I look at myself now, there's a big difference. I don't hate myself for being attracted to guys. I don't agonize over my friends finding out. I don't give a shit about people knowing at school.

but I still have a lot to learn, a lot more to experience. like, when I'm away from my parents, when I experience the real world for the first time out of their watchful eye, and I start doing "gayer" stuff, like partying and frequenting the Gayborhood, what will it be like? am I going to run and hide because I'm afraid no one will like me? or am I going to go in there and live it up? or when I meet someone, and we're out in public, am I going to let him hold me and kiss me, or will I be too afraid of people giving us dirty looks?

all that aside, I know that Goddess made me gay for a reason. my sexuality is a beautiful part of me that no one can take away, ever.

something I discovered today.

it's very important to appreciate the simple, almost unnoticed things in life, because they can make you very happy.

there's lots of simple things that I enjoy that people rarely even notice, like zooming down the highway in a car with the windows rolled down and the wind blowing in your face while listening to your favorite song (I did that today); or walking in a downpour, taking in the scent of falling rain.

never underestimate the simple pleasures nature gives us-- they can be Her greatest gifts.

school is ehhhhhhhh. I only have 7 or 8 class days left, so... its pretty much over, and I'm happy :]

my life in general is just kinda... I dunno, stagnant? at least to me, any way. there's nothing going on. :\ I'm sick too, I think I have laryngitis. So its very difficult to talk >.>;

so I may or may not have not mentioned this on here before, but I've been really wanting to start a podcast. and I've finally decided to get off my lazy ass and start it! I dunno what it'll be called, but since it'll be completely gay-oriented, maybe something like, "How The Hell Can You Not Tell?" or "The Adventures of a Gay Latino Wiccan". if someone thinks of a good title, tell me!! but anyway, I *do* know what the first episode will be like, it'll be called "Episode One: 'Do you know what they call me? A fag.' ", and in the episode I'll be giving a short intro on myself, maybe talk a little about current LGBT events, and then talk about the topic: what it's like being gay (and slightly out) at a conservative, anti-gay school. I really wanted to record the first episode this week, but with this damn laryngitis, I can't talk at all... D:

so yeah, I'll let you know when the first episode is up! I hope you'll all give it a listen!

so I'm feeling better about myself now. I'm still not that comfortable with my life ATM...there's a few things that need changing, but I'm slowly getting there.

Anyhow, today I was watching one of my ghost hunting/paranormal shows, and I realized, I have never seen one gay person ever talk about living in a haunted house, or seeing spirits and such. Not that it's really that important, I just thought it was interesting.

So after noticing that, I decided to take some time to share something with you all... my experiences with the paranormal. And before you ask, I was not under the influence of anything (drugs, alcohol, etc.) when I experienced these things.

So, for a little while now, like maybe 2-3 years on and off, I've been having various sorts of spirit activity around me. It hasn't been as severe as some of the stories I've read about, but still odd nonetheless. The activity heightened in frequency after my dog died last November. So here are some of the things I've experienced, in no particular order:

I've seen the apparition of my dog several times, in the same spot. When I see him, he is wearing the blue and red sweater he always wore (I think he died in it). The day after my dog died, I heard him howl. Several days after my dog passed away, my neighbor asked us if we got a new dog (or something like that), b/c she has heard sounds of a dog barking and such when we're out of the house. And no, we never got a new dog.

On a few occasions when I was younger, I heard the sound of someone breathing, in a very raspy way, when I was alone. The creepiest time was when I was in bed, trying to fall asleep, and I heard the sound, and it sounded as if the source was very close to my ear. I'm assuming it was my great uncle, as it started happening after he died, and he had lung problems when he was alive, which could account for the raspy quality of the sound. This particular phenomena hasn't happened recently, though.

Now, I can understand seeing my dog and uncle... but more recently, I've begun to see/sense/hear spirits I don't even recognize. The most unusual phenomena (and I still shudder a little at this one) that has occurred happened when I was alone, in my room. I was working at my desk, which has a mirror in front of it, so I can see if someone's opening the door. So I'm working, and I had the door halfway open...and out of the corner of my eye, I notice something in the door in the mirror. I look in the mirror, and there's this white, mist-like thing standing there, clutching the door, as if its peeking in. It forms the outline of a man, but I can't see any facial features or anything. I whirl around. Nothing at the door. Don't you hate when that happens?

Most recently, I saw something at school. I saw this very faint outline of a person move across the stage in the auditorium, and, of course, no one else saw it... :\

So there you have it.

I thought I broke free of this little cycle of feeling hopeless and depressed, but now I feel just as horrible as before, if not worse.

I feel like I've lost all hope...in anything.

I don't see any point to life anymore. I don't see why I should keep living.

I contemplate doing drastic things...killing myself, or running away, or hurting someone...because I need attention. Everything hurts.

I even doubt religion now. I wonder why Goddess doesn't help me when I ask, almost plead to her...maybe I grovel too much. They say that's a bad thing. But I really can't help it. There's just so much pain.

It's like there's a dark raincloud over my head, and it won't stop following me. Maybe this is just the way it has to be. But why? What did I do to deserve this? I'll admit, I'm not a saint, but I've never done anything that would result in this sort of karmic backlash. Then again, maybe I'm wrong, I dunno.

I feel so alone. It's like, no matter how many times people say, "Don't worry, I'm here for you", I still feel alone. I feel like I have no one... My parents can't know about this, they'll disown me. I hardly see my friends anymore. People at school make me feel worse. There's no point in going to a shrink, they'll just put me on meds and that'll be it. And as I said earlier, I doubt religion now. So where else can I go?

I ask so many questions and receive no answers.
I feel trapped in a world full of suffering and hate.
I feel forced to walk down a path, alone, towards my own destruction. This is my life.
And sometimes, I wish it would just end.

My theology/religious studies teacher is my hero, and I would have never thought I'd be saying that.

Today in class we talked about almost nothing but being gay.

He told us about how a kid in his 2nd period class said he saw two guys making out and thought it was disgusting. And my teacher told the kid,

"Well, believe it or not, there are gay people here. Some of them might even be in this room."

My teacher goes on to explain about how everyone deserves respect, and to imagine how a gay kid feels, being bullied and such. And he told us about how he's had to explain to former students who were gay that they aren't sinful and they're normal.

I wanted to thank him after class, but he left, and later I almost had another chance, but I was going to be late for my next class. So I think once I see him tomorrow, I'll thank him...especially for saying this, it made me feel better:

"Everyone deserves to be treated with love and respect."

Now that right there... I think, regardless of your ethics, should be the greatest concept to live by.

A few weeks back, I had this unusual premonition that today (5th May, Cinco de Mayo!) would be a good day.

Lo and behold, today was great.

The day started off slow, as all Mondays do. In Chinese class, my friend JC & I talked about the sundayOUT festival... now I'd been doubting if he was gay, but when he knew what I was talking about before I even explained, I was like... yeah. you're gay. or you have gay friends that told you about it :P

Blah blah blah English, blah blah blah Theology...

And then, I had the BEST ART CLASS.

So my art teacher is explaining our new project, and he takes like, the majority of the class upstairs to the computer lab, and I'm left with my crush and a few other kids. As soon as my teacher leaves, my crush comes over and starts eyeballing my project ideas (thief!). We talk for a little while, and then he showed me a magic trick-- which, when you work with actual magick as part of your religious practice, stage magic gets annoying. But he looked cute trying to impress me, so I made no objection. Then I started talking about Witchcraft with him, and he randomly throws an eraser at me, and I'm like "WTF? Oh, you're in for it."
So I grab a ruler from off my desk, and proceed to chase him around the art studio. Yes, this is what I do around people I like, I act like a jackass. :P

I was a little sad when the bell rang for 5th period, considering I probably wouldn't see my crush until tomorrow, but before I left class, I touched his hair. Because...well, I'm creepy. But he didn't even notice because I did it so lightly... but his hair felt so nice and soft. Yep. I'm a creep. :D

Blah blah blah Study Hall, Lunch...blah blah blah Chemistry, Algebra II...

Then the school day was over! And then I went over my granny's, ate some of her delicious cooking, went home, did HW and such, and now I'm gonna go to bed. I'm sleepy. >.>;;

So today was SundayOUT, a street festival thing that marks the end of Equality Forum here in Philly.

I went with my ESFH (Extra Special Fag Hag), Ashley, and we had a bitchin' time. Then again, any time I hang out with Ashley is bitchin', so w/e.

So we get there, and I can hear the dance music blasting as we come out of the subway station. And I say to myself, "Yup, I'm among my kind."

We walk about for a little while, and what's one of the first things I notice?

Yes...that's right! The Fundie Christians! They look...angrier this year, and fewer in number. There were only 4 of them, it was depressing. They were the source of two out of 4 great quotes today.

"If you could just get your mind off your gonads..." <--Unfortunately, I have raging, uncontrollable hormones. That's not happening.
"You support death, destruction, and disease." <--Dude, seriously. Relax. And I could say the same thing about fundie conservative Christians, but that's besides the point. :P

Anyway, we kept walking around, and I felt a little awkward walking by a stand set up by my former employer... and I recognized 2 of the guys at the stand, it was weird. While all of the companies and groups are handing out cool things like lanyards, pens, and free condoms (I'll get to that), my old employer is handing out free samples of lip balm and cigarette cessation gum. Way to appeal to the masses. :<

Right, so about those free condoms. It's a funny story. Ashley and I are walking, and this guy from an organization called GALAEI (Gay and Lesbian Latino AIDS Education Initiative, or something along those lines) called us over to their table. He starts talking to us about the gay youth prom in June, and we go to make a donation, and just as were about to continue on our way, he calls us back and goes, "Here, have these free condoms", and I take the little baggie, confused about what he said. Once we're out of ear shot, I say to Ashley..."Did he really just say that?"
And she's like, "I dunno". So I open the bag, and, lo and behold, there's three rubbers (one of them is scented or flavored, I can't tell), a little packet of lube, and a pamphlet on safe sex.

Yeah. They're gonna go to waste for right now, considering I haven't gotten laid in like, a month (LOL, wow... I can't believe I just thought that).

Anyway, then I bought 3 little pride buttons, one says "I am not a punchline!", another, "I'm a gay and that's OK!", and the last one has the two male symbols (the little circle and arrow thingie) together and says, "Yes. Really."

So then we left to go to Chinatown, we ate lunch there, and we got on the subway to go to the park, and someone called me a faggot. It kinda stung me at first, but then I said to myself..."It isn't worth getting mad over this little punk. I'm proud of myself, and I don't care about his opinion."

Later, Ashley & I arrived at the park, frolicked, stalked some guy, frolicked more, and then I went home. And now here I am, typing this.

I dunno... I felt a little weird going to the festival this year. I guess its b/c I thought I would have a b/f to go with me. Not that I didn't want to go with Ashley, I love having her there and all, but... it's not the same. And I really want to go to the gay youth prom, but who knows if I'll find someone to go with? I don't want to take a good female friend, that defeats the purpose; and none of my guy friends would agree to it...unfortunately, all my guy friends are str8. Ahh, I dunno.

But whatever, life goes on...and I have this strange feeling that I won't be alone for long...

I have off school today.

Yet, here I am, at 7:28 AM, writing a journal.

I'm weird.

Life is slowly getting better, after all that drama from a few weeks ago. I haven't cried in a little while, which is good; and aside from writing a nasty letter in my diary about him (along the lines of, "I hope you're happy with what you've done to me, you shit", "you fucking prick", etc.), I haven't really thought about A at all. I think I might tear out that page in my diary though, I don't like it. Mainly because I shouldn't be mad anymore, the situation's over and done with, and there is nothing more I can do. We're on separate paths now, walking towards separate destinations. Maybe somewhere down the line our paths will intertwine, but for the moment, I'm not going to even think about it. There's other things I have to worry about.

I got around to thinking in church yesterday about something a classmate of mine said to me. This particular classmate criticizes me for being a member of a religion that has no holy text, no saints, no concrete place of worship, no pope (he's a catholic Christian, obviously). We were arguing about the validity of Wicca as a religion, and he said, "Well I'm sorry, but I can't say your religion is valid unless you have archaeological evidence." I didn't say much after that because I didn't want to get mad, but it did get me thinking about people's faith in their respective religions. When did evidence suddenly become the basis for religion? What ever happened to just having faith? Like, what would happen if people proved the shroud of Turin or some other relic to be a complete forgery? Would Christians just drop everything and leave their faith? For me, I don't need concrete facts to have faith in my religion, because the facts are all around me. When I look up at the moon at night, I see the face of the Goddess looking down at me. That's enough for me to have faith. I think I might give him this quote to read and think about...

"If you take [a copy of] the Christian Bible and put it out in the wind and the rain, soon the paper on which the words are printed will disintegrate and the words will be gone. Our bible IS the wind and the rain." Herbalist Carol McGrath as told to her by a Native-American woman.
...

Anyway, I got Utada Hikaru's new album, "Heart Station", yesterday. It's amazing, I love it. <3 My favorite song is "Prisoner of Love". Here's a clip from the MV: