Lately,I've been really confused about my orientation.
Im actually what they call 'sexualy fluid'. But stuff has made me think more deep into all this...

Yesterday, my socalled EX, said, " you know,there are these center's...where they help turn queer poeple into straight.Besides,there's nothing like being queer...its all in your head"

I duno why all that got me so low. I was in this horrible blue mood since then. I feel so lonely, so lost. Like,im the only one who feels something irreplaceable for the same sex. Its ok for her to say such a thing because she only believes in fooling around with girls...nothing more than that.

Im NOT weird.Im not suffering from any disorder.Im just being me.
And guess what, she also thinks that im dating P because i wana prove to myself and everyone that im NOT a lesbian.
That is JUST SO SHITTY. why would i do such a thing? If i grow into being a lesbian, I really wouldnt mind that.At all!

Its just that,im realising,i am truly a Bisexual, because even when im with a BOY, i do have dreams about girls and i fantasize about him too!

Ok,so it does get pretty messy at times. Like what i said in my previous journal entry. But nevertherless, I still like him a lot,and things seem to be improving :)
My point being, that bitchface ugly smut[my ex] has absolutely NO RIGHT to temme ANYTHING on MY SEXUAL LIFE.

Thnkuverymuch :)

Its true. I really like him.He's a great guy.Too nice to me.
But.I.dunt.feel.the.need.to.rip.his.clothes.apart.

Yep.Its like that.I wonder why.I mean,he's really good at whatever he does to me.And this is pretty weird for me,because im mostly Pleasure Driven.And if i DUNT feel like ripping my lover's clothes apart,means there's something wrong going on.

And this whole hand job thing is getting onto me.I mean,i'd rather put my hand down and find a CLIT than a COCK.
There.I said it.

I keep talking about chicks with P.Its a good thing he knows im bisexual and he's cool with it.But still...i know i still weird him out...

Argh.Now im gona write a song on Sexuality Confusion.

He's a really nice guy.

That's all i can say. I love every moment spend with him. I can just be with him...laugh with him...look at him...play with him...not do anything at all,but still feel SO good.

And frankly,this is my first relationship[out of 10] in which i dunt feel the need to be always doing "stuff" with him...i can be this kid with him,and he still finds it attractive O.O

Plus,He's got reeaaalllllyyyyyyy loooooonnngggggg fingers
Yep.I know what your thinking.Im thinking the same :D

He makes me feel good for who and what i am.I think that's all that matters. =)

I was at her place.Technically,i was supposed to go to this other friends place but she went out with her folks[a last minute plan].So i had to go to S's house as it was nearby and i really dint have any other place to go.
We just couldnt keep our hands off each other. And its totally wrong because a day back,i told her we cannot have any sort of physical contact.It would just repeat history and that's the last thing i want.

But it was all "i wana rip your clothes off" sorta thing today.
I was sitting on a chair,in front of the computer at her place.She comes next to me and stands. She bends low to see what i was working on at the comp. Her face is now inches close to mine. She turns to look at me and we kiss. It was an instant thing. Probably lasted for only 2 seconds.But boy,it felt good.

We kinda maintained our distance after that. It wasnt supposed to take place. Later on,she walked me till the bus stop. No one was really around...she comes close to me and hooks two of her fingers by the rim of my jeans and pulls me closer to her. Slowly,her fingers slip inside. I gasp and remove them.
She said im turning her on,she said she wants me.She said she wants my fingers in her.
I cant do this.I cant do this to me.Again.I cant do this to us.I cant do this to P.
What is happening?!

I say "de-personalised" because of the things im doing,but i duno why im doing it.I just feel like im outside my body,and im watching myself make the wrong choices.I want to reach out and tell myself to stop but i cant. Something's holding me back.
I guess u guys do know abt Id,Ego and Super-ego,right? Its all Frued's creations. The 3 levels in Human Personality.
Right now,Id is taking over me.Im doing things without much thought and more concentration on my sexual desires[anythng new?]

Okay,so you know that Ex who ditched me because of her boyfriend?And who i hated and wanted to kill?
Well,i hooked-up with her.
......
......
......
......
Uhmm,yeh.I did. Technically,whats been happening is that,im dating this guy[P] who is her boyfriend's best friend.And since then,me and her have been getting really close.As friends.Which led to flirting.Quite harmless,right? Well,not really.because apparently, i got over her by hating her. But what i dint realise is that i AM and always WILL BE attracted to her. She wanted it too...sooo..i gave it to her.Besides,i cant get emotionally attached to her again.Im waaayyy over her for all that.She's just a friend now...kinda.We hooked up twice...i guess its fine because we both have boyfriends and its a "no-strings-attached" sorta thing.Ya know? Im all chilled about it...I mean,we both have admitted to one another that we HAVE and probably will always have this "thing" for each other.

But im fearing,that one of us MIGHT get attached. One of us MIGHT get our feelings involved.
Now why do i think that its gona be me?
Thats why,tonight,im gona call her and finish it.I mean,cant we just be friends?Plain friends? WHY DO I HAVE THIS EVER LONG ATTRACTION TOWARDS HER?!
Im so gona put a stop to this. I am not letting this reach a stage where it once reached in the very recent past.
This time around,im gona stop it.
I have to remember how much i hate her and what all she did to me.What better place other than Oasis to remind me of all that? Ive written about all my hatred towards her.Im just gona read that,get encouraged and call her.

[ She is BLOODY hot!]
[ I gave her an orgasm =D ]
[ And we had Oral sex =D ]

Buhaahahaha! I did what i had to do. Now I need to stop being unfaithful to P [Note : my new boyfriend].
That reminds me,he's hot too =D
<3

So much has occured these past few days!

But i shall state the most important info:

I was hanging out with my friends at a mall....and then S's boyfriend T comes. So its kinda weird at first,but it gets ok soon. T's friend also joins us later on. He's tall[reelliiii tall],dark and handsome. Yes,he's that good. I gulp when i meet him. Soon,i start striking a convo with him...at first,i dint mean anything...then i started flirting...he seemed so disinterested...i dint think he was even listening...so i dint let my hopes get high...i let it go...

When i come home,i get a call from an unknown number,and its HIM! :O
He tells me "u mite find this weird...but i actually found u really attractive and interesting..."
And i was SO FUCKING SHOCKED! I did not expect his call at all!
And then started out thing...we've been talking/flirting since...and it gets better each day! He asked me out on a date on Friday,im so excited!
I cant even think straight or write anything properly! Im just soo....high by him or something. He's too good! He knows exactly what to say when! Its kinda freaky...but im enjoying it =D
Ugh,im nt making any sense..i wil update better later =]
Im just carrying this sheepish grin everywhere i go now and suddenly,all those lovey dovey songs i never even knew existed on my ipod,im listening to them!

This can either be too good or too freaky.

There we were...sipping our Chocolate Mocha's,Hazel Mocha's and Vanilla Cream's,in the corner sofa of the most peaceful envirnment at Cental Perk.

Except it was too good to be true because my ex was there too,and something had to go wrong.
K,me,S[The Ex] and her sister H[just a year younger than all of us] were present.It was just another casual hangout at our fav coffee shop.
H says to S,"I duno why you turn out to be this big mean person when your with K"
S says," Yeh i duno how that happens! "
[Note: K is known to be a universal bitch but we are cool with that because she dare not show her bitchy-ness to us!]
And then all of them,including K,laugh...as if it was the most hilarious thing ever.

I stir my Vanilla Cream,and say all nonchalatly,"Nothing great happens,You just turn into this bigger bitch than you already are"

And everyone's quiet. H doesnt know anything about what happened between me n S. So she's probably wondering what the heck is up with me.

I look up at S,(who was sitting right opposite me),and continue," Everytime i start to forget what you did to me,you do something so crazy that it forces me to remember the shit i went through because of you...I hope u do know what im talking about"

She looks dazed and shocked at the same time. She opens her mouth to probably have a come back to what i said,but decides against it and presses her lips tight.

I look into my Vanilla cream and still continue[looks like nothing could stop me],"You just have to show who are actually are...dont expect me to forget what u did to me."
And then i look up at her to watch her say," Yes,you better not"
I reply, "I wunt remember you by anything else"
She goes like,"Good"
I say,"Yea good"

And then counitues our so-called peaceful stay at Central Perk.

She's so vibrant yet composed! The way she talks...well,more like types.
The thing is,i met her over Facebook. She's Bisexual too and is a senior at school. So i personal msg'd her on Facebook itself. Its been 5 days and we already have exchanged 10 msg's! And that too,really long one's! She's briliant...if nothing of that sort happens,we can definetly be best friends[yes,we got along SO well].

Im already imagining us going out and being this out and proud couple.
And giving quick pecks to each other every now and then...
*sigh* Am i thinking a bit too much too soon?

I guess so.But she makes me feel that way! Ok,so we havnt flirted or amything till now.Our convo's consist of random topics...general stuff about her and me...about sexuality...its cool.Im planning to get her number in some days and then take our relationship to next level. =D

Plus she's pretty cute too!...now your wondering what about D,right?
Well,techically,its over from my side. We are just so dead and boring together.I made her see that...plus even our 2 years friendship is on the rocks.Actually more like dying away...we just dont get along anymore.And no,we dont fight or anything.we just CANT have a decent conversation with each other.Earlier[arnd a year back]our phone convo's used to last for 2 hours! And now? Hardly 30 mins. We cant seem to find anything to talk about. I try really hard...i LOVE talking.But she's not comprehending with me! What am i supposed to do?! Im just letting it go...and besides,i never really liked her in "that" way.Anyway,more on this in the next entry or sumthng.

I have to do somethng about this new cute chick. Lets name her A,ok?
And the best part is,she's mad about The L word too!! We have these random conversations on it...ahh,so cool.

Im so looking forward to it all! XD

Yoga is SO freaking hard! All those weird positions and stuff..gosh!
I feel weak and wobbly...not stable enough. My guru[teacher] had warned me earlier itself that my body is gona ache the 1st few days.

Otherwise its pretty cool,i guess.Except that im the only teenager in my class. Its filled with mommies or 30+ ladies. People who desperately need to lose weight,actually. I bet the ladies there wondering why the fuck im joined.I dunt need to lose weight at all...im ok the way i am. In fact,i have a very low appitite problem and am the slimmest amogst my friends[NO,im NOT anorexic or bulimic].But i just joined it because there is no harm in toning up and balancing my mental state,right? Its good for mental and physical health :-D I SO need it.

Changing tracks, Im going to watch Iron man today with my girlies. I hope its good :-)

Oh gosh...Finally im in this site! It wasnt working for 3 days! I was SO upset...I mean,that's when i actually realised how much i love and miss Oasis [puppy face:p]
Anyway,im glad its working now :-D

My bisexual best guy friend recently went over to his ex's place and scrwed him. And im all like,'uh-huh,is this some "ex fucking week" or something?' No,because,first i do it,and then he does it.

Apparently,it wasnt all that great for him too. I mean,i kinda empathize with him,because mine wasnt either. I obviously told him about it once he told me about his...uhm,thing.He said he might just be over his ex. I told him not to worry because there are many fishes in the sea. Gay and not that gay =P

But he's a cool guy,you know? Its so much fun when we both meet up at a shopping mall and take a fag[for those who dint know: a British term for a "cigarette"] and randomly check out all these boys and girls...I have a thing for gay boys,you know? I mean,i would love to know more of them.they just...seem so cool. Obviously,i DONT want an 'Object of my Affection' thing happening in MY life =P

Life's good now...i feel great.Now since my leg's much better and the cast is off,ive joined Yoga classes nearby. Walking distance actually. Its perfectly timed in the morning[9:30 to 10:30am]...you know,so i can take a cool and nice morning walk and then head to my yoga class.

Ive even applied for a university named "Middlesex university". It is said to be affiliated with the Middlesex uni in London. I'll be doing a BSC in Psychology with Marketing :-) I cant wait! Uni will start only in September...so i have 5-6 months to go.Loads of time to do whatever i always wanted to do.
Im considering doing some volunteering work...social work...I love doing such stuff. Or i might get a job or something.I dunno.

Oh here's the cool stuff:
I got my upper ear lopes pierced. Yepp. So now i have three peircings in my left ear and two in my right ear.
I have a thing with my left side : i have dimples on my left cheek and im a left handed person.
So yea,I cant help but be partial to my left side :-)

First of all,i want to thank all those who commented on my last journal.
You guys are amazingly sweet and concerned.The fact that ya'll reached out for advising me,in itself,is very honouring.

Now,as Lol-taire told me,i went to a local near by pharmacy and asked for an emergency contraceptive.She said she dint have any,but she started asking me a few questions. Quite intimidating,actually. But i answered them,nevertherless because i knew she meant well.

Ultimately,i realised myself,that his cock had'nt really gone INTO my vagina. I think i moved or somethng.I duno.I re-checked this with him,and he agreed saying i never let him fuck me "properly".Plus he also said he never was close to ejaculation also.So maybe he never really "pre ejaculated".Maybe it was my natural lubricant. In my haste and tension,i forgot what actually took place.

But c'mon,its freaky for a seventeen year old,right? And he's 18. He was quite freaked too. But the pharmasist told me that i can only find out for sure if im pregnant in a week or two[pregnancy test]. And i have this CycleCalculator installed in my laptop. According to it,29th of march was not a fertile day for me at all.

So going by all this,im a bit more relaxed than earlier. I make sense to myself now. I have a gut feeling im NOT preggy. Its just that its the fisrt time ive done ANYTHING without a condom. And to think,Im this huge control/protection freak.
Maybe because even in the midst of so-called passion,i knew deep down we're getting it on without a condom,so i supposedly dint really allow him to fuck me.Besides,it dint feel right.Nothing felt right.From the beginning itself.

And i know i shud have taken proptection if i knew im gona hit it off with him but i was'nt sure myself,deep down,u know? I thought im just gona meet him and come back. Well,at least thats wht my "angel" side thought. My "kinky" side actually wanted to get it on pretty badly with him.I thought my "angel" side would win,but Haha,guess who won?

Its pretty complicated,i know.But Regretted it,Lesson learnt.
That little shake was enough for me to swear off sex without condom EVER!
Now even if you wake me up mid-night,im gona be chanting "Condom Condom Condom"

So i let my FUCKING libido decide. I went to his place and we fucked each other like mad. [That would actually be an understatement.]
And now im losing my mind thinking about PREGNANCY.
Ive lost it,ive gona mad,officially.
WHAT IF I GET PREGNANT????!!!!!!
WHY THE F-U-C-K DINT WE USE A CONDOM??!!
Ok,so basically he "pre-ejaculated".We used to whole "withdrawal" method,u know?
But i fucking just read on www.teenwire.com that pre-ejaculation can ALSO cause pregnancy IF the penis was in contact with the vagina.
And fucking DUH it was! I havnt even told ANYONE about this great shit of mine! Non of my friends! Not even D!She'll kill me before i decide how im gona suicide!
I think im going psycho! Im checking up pregnancy symptoms and crap on the net. Stuff i dint think i wud look up UNTIL marraige or sumthng!!
I HATE MYSELF. FUCK HIM! I HATE HIM TOO! ARGH!
I swear,if im pregnant,im just gona hang myself and successfully die
FUCKING FUCKED UP LIFE!!!

I am officially fucked in the head. I used to just think i am...but now,i have PROOF.
I called my ex boyfriend up and told him im coming over at his place.
And his parents are gone off to a trip somewhere. So basically NO ONE WILL BE HOME!!!!

And this is the boyfriend, i DUMPED. I broke up with him! Now why in the world wud i go and supposedly make him think that we are gonna get it on??!!

I know why.
Im this little tiny horny bitch. Fine. I admit it, i miss the feel of a boy. I miss how their torso would feel under my fingertips.I miss how tall they look and seem when i lean my head on their chest and look up. I miss how the subtle feel of their cheeks when its freshly shaved/trimmed.I miss feeling small and pampered. And protected.
[Fuck me,im SO emotionally dependant!]

So yeh,and well...my ex bf is pretty hot. Actually very hot.
Okay,so since im letting my libido take my decision's,im pretty much the worst person here....right?

Why the FUCK is there anything in our fucking body called the HEART?!
No really.I wana know. And why does it break?And keep breaking?Until the point you duno if your even alive? How come you think your O.V.E.R this god damn person BUT every break up song/scenario reminds you of that freakin person who fucking seems SO peacefull and happy in their life??
Whenever,whenever i look at her, im left with nothing but an empty,blank feeling.a space.a hollow. Why does her presence seem so bitter? From friends,to lovers,to barely anything? Is this how it is "supposed" to be?

No,i dun expect us to be get back.No,i dun even expect us to be friends.
But you know,when your around,and we are alone? Do you feel the discomfort,or is it just me? How come we dunt talk? exchange a few words,maybe? Why am i forced to remember what we would have done in a situation like this if we were together?
And then i notice us laughing and exchanging words to one another amogst our friends,as if nothing ever happened.

I question myself,am i really,trully over you? Have i let go of all your memories,good and the bad one's? Are you gone yet? How much longer is it going to take?
Why dont i know how to just be around you? Why cant we just be one perticular thing and follow it?Does it have to be this hard?
I just,i duno...I miss us.Ok,there you go,i said it.I duno what i miss though.I duno if i miss our friendship or the love bit.Or maybe both.
Do you miss any?Do you miss our late night talks and our laughter and the fun we shared together...or do you miss me?

I duno what im blabbering.Ive lost it.Its one of my "emo unstability moods" where all nonsense comes out.Oh but trust me,Im way better than the time when you left me.Im much more stable and healthier and happy with my new girlfriend =)
[I think]

****
I caught you wearing the Best Friend chain i gave you,when we were,you know,friends. Ive kept mine in the memory box,dint have the balls to throw it. Just wanted to know why you still wear it. Fashion accesory,maybe?
Oh and the colarge i once made for you?The one where its written in big bright colours that i love you?Yea,uhm,I saw it still up on your wall.I assume its because you think it makes your wall look more attractive.

And i know you would never ever read this but i promise this is the last post on you. I never even thought i would write one on you after i thought im actually "over" you.

And uhm,no.Me and D dint do anything on the physical front yet.Im just gona let you think that we're always rocking the bed.

I duno if i love you or not.I duno if i miss you or not.But i want you to know im NOT obsessing over anything.Nope,Im not.really.Im not obsessive about it all.Really.
Thats it,im gona stop blabbering now.

From Paramore,is actually cute.
in this weird way.
****
*Sigh* I love rocker chicks.
And the butch one's too.

Oh and Sia[From the 'Breathe Me' fame] is dating a girl.
Yep,It seems she's "exploring" her sexuality.
***
I almost came out to this guy i know. I had a crush on him back in junior year of high school[almost 2 years back]. I went out to get some grocery items,and i had to pass this place where boys play basketball. And this guy i know[lets call him 'v'] was present too.I walk upto him,start chatting randomly..he tells me about his new girl and how she takes him "for a ride".I guess we both notice a couple of boys checking me out,so V goes "haha,look at them,ogling at you :-P"

I shruggle and say,"Im into girls right now". And V widens his eyes and goes,"really?!" I nod and say,"of course",as if its the most natural and common thing ever. I dun tink he took any of it seriously because he laughs and says,"oooo!how sexy,i like girls who like girls!"

And then i just felt like punching his day lights off,so i said goodbye and walked off.Feeling all those boy's[did i mention 'cute boys'?]stares piercing in my back.

So yea,that was my case of almost coming out to him.Technically i did come out,except that he dint take it seriously.Im sure.I could see by the way he was laughing.So insensitive.
And i had a crush on this guy.Right.