is a wretched thing.

I moved to New York from Baltimore at the end of August to attend NYU, my ultimate dream school. But in doing so, I left my girlfriend who I've been with for over two years, on and off. We are the most dramatic two people I have ever met, and we've had more problems that I can even imagine. But we've overcome them, whether they were actually resolved or we just concluded that they were too trivial to worry about. I've had my share of accusations, drawn out arguments, and sleepless nights.

But that's normal, right?

Every happiness, in my opinion, has its bad days. But it's that which makes you appreciate what you have even more. When I left, I had no idea how much I was actually leaving behind. The days and nights that I spent with her constantly turned towards the big city and school. It's so different than being home - the vivacity, the people, everything. And I absolutely love it. I have always loved this city, and I love Greenwich.

But distance, again, is torture. 'Absense makes the hard grow fonder.' But it also put my heart in this state of wondering and insecurity. I should have faith and have confidence, but it's hard. 200 miles is a long way from home, from where my heart is. And I just want her to still know that I love her and that she's so important to me.

I love the city, but I know where my heart is.

the most jealous person alive.
It's really unhealthy and not normal. I have no idea what the hell I think sometimes.

On another note, I got sent to the counselor today at school. It was god awful. It's pretty bad when your teacher tells you that you're in desperate need of counseling, and then tells someone so that they get you it.
I really didn't know what to do with myself.

CRAZY.

It's seriously not a joke anymore. I love her to death, but she can drive me up a wall. I don't know, maybe I'm overreacting. But somethings just BOTHER me to no end, no matter how hard I try to let them go. Like her hanging out with the girl she dumped me for. I understand they're friends, but really, I just feel like her replacement sometimes. I know where my faults lie, and I know where I've been, and I've LEARNED from it. I know better. But no matter how many times I tell her how I feel, it doesn't matter. When you have to preface telling me you hung out with her by saying "don't be mad but...", something is wrong.

Or maybe, I'm wrong.

way too much,
way more than is safe.

She's my weakness.
That'll never fail.

I think I worry about things way more than I should. Or I just feel like I am completely crazy for not being able to just sit back and just go with how things are, without thinking about how things were.

I stopped dating my ex-girlfriend at the end of November. Basically she just said she couldn't fake feelings, no matter if she wanted to. And a whole lot of different things happened and we stopped talking for all of December and most of January. And a lot of that was my fault, and she wanted nothing to do with me.

She liked another girl during that time, but that girl had been (and is still, I think) hung up on her ex-gf. I think they went out a few times, as far as I know, but nothing serious came out of it. They're still friends now, and they still hang out.

My ex and I started to talk again at the end of January, because she had told my best friend that she missed me. And of course, I still liked her. So we started to hang out again, despite the fights about everything that had happened in months prior, and we started to talk a lot. She would flirt with me and then early February we held hands.

Since then, we've pretty much been together. We're taking time, just because neither of us could probably rush back into things, but we still consider the other as our girlfriend. But I'm just worried. I'm worried that she is just here because it's familiar and because things didn't work out elsewhere. She told me that I'm the person she feels most comfortable with and I understand that. But I absolutely hate being more into things than the other person. I'm just trying to look out for myself. And I don't want to be the back up plan. I don't want to have the same break up that we had in November, where she told me that she loved me, but then finally had the balls to tell me that she didn't.

I don't want to be that fool. Again.

I haven't written an entry in some time, but I have been reading everyone else's.

Yesterday was my eighteenth birthday, and it was actually a really good day considering how things have been on or off lately. I'm pretty excited for various reasons, but I'm kind of afraid that since I'm not legally bound to my dad, I'm at a bigger risk of being kicked out.

Things with my dad have been..not changing. He still has not moved in any direction towards accepting me, and I don't really think he will anytime soon. In fact, I think he's just dropped it completely and has tried to forget about. It's like a vain attempt of ignoring something, and thus it not being there. I just wish he would get over himself. Honestly, I'm just afraid that he's going to find concrete evidence that I'm dating my gf again, and he'll use that as reason not to see her.

My gf and I have had a bad few months. But I think things are finally getting worked through, and things are being forgiven. Which is good, because fighting is not good, and she really does mean a lot to me. I just love being with her, and I hope things work out for the better this time, and I don't do anything that will jeopardize anything. AND she got me daisies for my birthday :D (...I have an obsession)

OH, I got into my first choice school - NYU. And I was so excited about that, it was the best birthday gift ever. I just hope I can get the money and scholarships to be able to go there. It would be amazing.

It's been awhile. I'm writing this because I feel that I have something to get off of my chest, even though it's just redundant and probably just irrelevent.

I broke up with my girlfriend right after Thanksgiving. The story goes that I'm bisexual, I went out with this one boy for a year and for that year I talked to her on the side. We were best friends. But because of my ex-boyfriend, I never saw her as much as I should have, and was just a shitty person because I was all about him. When I broke up with him, a lot of my time went to her, and we had our own thing.

We've been off and on since about April. Or we were. And all the fights and arguments we would get into, would go back to my past relationship with this boy. Everything got blamed on me, and it all had some way of having to do with him. And I understood, I fucked up. Big time. But I had paid my dues on my own time, and she was just making me relive it. She dwelled more into my past than I wanted to.

Basically, she just was never going to be able to let it go. So we had our fights, and generally, I would find a way to temporarily resolve them before we got flung back into it. And finally, I just had so many worries. We had broken up in October because it came down to the question as to whether she actually still had feelings for me. After a long argument and a lot of tears, she told me that she was only with me because she didn't want to lose me as a friend. Yeah, that hurt.

She came around, told me that she was sure, and we got back together not that long afterwards. We got into the same old fights, but it was just routine. I got sick of it. Every fight that she instigated was somehow my fault, and I had to resolve it. And it just wasn't fair. And then I just was afraid that she didn't love me, she just loved being in a relationship. With whoever it made be. So I brought that up to her, and the SAME argument that had happened a month before - happened again. Twice, she told me that she was only with me because she didn't want to lose me. And then the killing line :

"I thought that given the time and the effort, my feelings would come flooding back. But you just can't force it."

I wanted to shoot myself. I really did, as pathetic as that sounds. It was just the most hurtful thing I've ever had to endure hearing.

It's been...a few weeks since then. We don't talk, we don't see each other, we hardly make eye contact if we do. Tuesday, I found out she liked this new girl. It had been about two weeks. And maybe it's just me, and maybe I'm just crazy and naive - but if you loved someone, it does not take two weeks to forget that and completely move on. I don't know, I was just so convinced that that was so fucked up. I was hurt. Again. And I honestly dont think she cares. She goes about her life as if it wasn't was loss whatsoever, and I'm struggling with keeping my head above the water.

I wish she would just feel something.

Last night I finally came out to my best friend of three years, after putting it off for about a year. It was extremely hard, and honestly, I didn't think it would come until farther down the road. I just felt like I was holding everything back. Not only did I have to explain the whole identity struggle with me being bi, I had to explain my relationship (or past relationship...) with one of our mutual friends, who we've known was gay for about 2 years now.

I was shaking. And just having her scream, "OH MY FUCKING GOD I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS", in my ear every time I said something knew - I just don't know. It's that bittersweet feeling, I guess. Like it's great to have the weight of lying off of my shoulders, but at the same time she's just so unclear. She doesn't handle these things well, or it just plays out to seem that way.

And I think the only real thing that is throwing me off is when she said that she felt like she didn't even know me. Like I understand, because this just changes a lot regarding what's happened in the past - but I like to think that I'm still the same person. I've just always wanted this to be something that was just another part of my personality, equivalent to me being funny or easygoing. And it just feels like another obstacleeee that I have to prove myself over and over again that I'm still this person who I say I am.

I mean, I've changed, I know I have. And it's inevitable because things such as these are going to make you realize new things everyday and that causes change. But I'm still the same person at heart. The same things still bother me, make me happy, make me sad - I'm just bi. I am just so afraid to lose her. She is my best friend and she is the one person I have a real connection with. I only put it off for so long because I didn't know MYSELF. And when our friend told us she was gay, my friend FREAKED because she had this notion that I was gay too and would just comment on how much she would hate it. What are you supposed to say to that? It's hard enough looking for yourself and trying to come to terms with this is WHO I AM and coming to grips that maybe I can just be okay with that - much less having to throw myself in a lion's den to someone else.

I just want us to be okay. I just want to realize that I'm not that much different, I've just been having this mind fuck for a year that she doesn't know about. But now she does. And I just want her there with me.

I decided to write 100 worthless facts and useless information about me. I don't really know what compelled me to do it, but I really like to break things down.

Don't feel compelled to read it. Lol

1. I like my handwriting and love when people compliment it.
2. However, I’m really awkward with compliments and can’t accept them normally.
3. 90% of the time, I can’t stand the way I look. Most of the time, I just don’t care.
4. I wish I played a sport or at least stuck with one.
5. Basketball is really relaxing, even though I could probably never play a real game of basketball if my life depended on it.
6. I’m smarter than people think I am.
7. I can’t wait to go to college and leave my house.
8. If I really like a song, I could probably listen to it for an hour straight and it won’t get old.
9. I think it’s weird that when you tell stories about when you were 12/13, it was really 5/6 years ago.
10. As much as I hate my job, I take a sick pride in the fact that I’m in charge of what I do.
11. That being said, I want a new job.
12. Driving is one of the most relaxing things. I could have probably had my license a year ago and I still don’t.
13. I hate driving with my left hand or both. I normally drive with my right hand and my left one is out the window.
14. I’m naturally pale, and I stopped caring about that a while ago.
15. I find photography fascinating. I really want a Polaroid camera.
16. And I also really want a typewriter, an old fashioned one.
17. I like to think that I’m going somewhere with my life. I just have no motivation.
18. I’m a really big procrastinator. I can’t do anything unless it’s urgent and I have to. I need to be under pressure.
19. I’m clinically, emotionally depressed. I’m not on medication and I don’t go to therapy.
20. I’ve had two serious relationships in my life.
21. I’ve had one serious boyfriend.
22. I’ve had one serious girlfriend.
23. Those being said, I’m bisexual and about five people know about it. I don’t even know if they believe me.
24. I really like how clothes look on people, but never would pick them out for myself.
25. I love daisies more than any other flower. Roses are just overrated.
26. I could find a quote for any mood I’m in.
27. If I concentrate on a word too long on the computer, I’ll think it is spelt wrong.
28. I wish I was more artistic or creative.
29. I used to write, but I ended up hating everything I’ve ever written.
30. I lost my virginity (to a guy) by the time I was seventeen.
31. I really like to hear people’s stories and getting to know them.
32. I’d much rather listen than talk.
33. I run around my house in my underwear constantly.
34. I’m a really sloppy drunk.
35. I’ve never smoked a cigarette in my life, but I have smoked marijuana.
36. The only person I’ve trusted 100% died when I was seven.
37. I’ve tried to kill myself.
38. I laugh at everything when I’m in the right mood.
39. I love wearing hoodies in the movie theater because it’s freezing.
40. I have a hair fetish and I love when people play with my hair.
41. Addictive habits run in my family, and that scares me a lot more than anything else.
42. I used to be a cutter.
43. I’m really good at math and I love it. There’s something about having a definite answer that’s reassuring.
44. However, after the past year, I really like the endless answers found in English.
45. I care about people a lot more than I should.
46. I’m really forgiving, too forgiving even.
47. I’ll talk to someone even if I don’t want to.
48. I don’t like confrontations.
49. I can be really vain but it’s usually just a joke.
50. Because honestly, I’m really insecure.
51. I watch digital clocks and use the numbers to make the largest possible number. For example; 12:59 would be turned into 9521.
52. Also, if I see any set of numbers, I try to make them all to result in the number 8. For example; 12:59 – if you subtract 5 from 9, you get 4. Multiple 2 by 4 and 1 and you get 8.
53. Twenty five is my favorite number.
54. I can say the alphabet backwards.
55. I had detention one time for being late to tech ed.
56. I used to play piano and cello. I wish I had stuck with those too.
57. If you couldn’t tell, I’m really worthless.
58. I don’t show that I’m upset.
59. I am really afraid of bears and being eaten by one.
60. So, that’s why I read The Worst Case Scenario Survival Guide. So in that case, if I DO come across a bear, I know to lie down and pretend that I am dead.
61. I flirt with everyone. Everyone else just takes it the wrong one, I’m just naturally friendly.
62. I realized that I’m a lot more comfortable sexually with girls. Is that weird?
63. I love pens that write with dark, thick ink. I get really upset if I have to use a crappy pen.
64. I dislike my mother for the fact that she was never actually there for me, and now she’s trying to convince me she is.
65. I think sex is overrated.
66. I have no idea where I want to college or what I want to do with my life.
67. I’ve fallen in love two times, at the same time.
68. I have anxiety attacks a lot more often than I used to.
69. I like to dance like a complete fool and not think that I’m embarrassing myself.
70. I’m really defensive. If the person actually KNOWS me, I’m probably fifteen times more defensive.
71. I’m really afraid of the unknown and of change. I like what’s comfortable and I’m scared that change will alter that.
72. I’d rather cuddle with someone than anything else. And I love holding hands.
73. I wanted to change the world. But my junior year English teacher made me realize that everyone wants to make a difference. So I want to either change MY world, or someone else’s.
74. If I could do one thing with my life, it’d be to save someone.
75. Je parle francais. Kind of…
76. I get really frustrated if something is wrong and I cannot for the life of me figure out what the hell it is.
77. I cried when I was in the 4th grade and got my first B (in gym).
78. My dad is the most intimidating person I’ve ever met in my entire life. He just wants us all to live up to our infinite potential.
79. I love the sounds of typing on a laptop. It reminds me of rain.
80. I, like a million other people, think too much.
81. I realized I have to accept myself before anyone else can.
82. I love the color green, and it has nothing to do with the fact that I was born on St. Patrick’s Day.
83. Sometimes, I make myself cry. It’s really kind of pathetic.
84. The worst fight I ever got into was with my best friend. We stopped talking for months and reliving that still makes me really upset.
85. I’m horrible at making plans, making decisions, and keeping in touch with people.
86. I need glasses.
87. I am really awkward with being naked.
88. I love buying new school supplies.
89. I’m a senior and I can’t decide if I’m upset or excited by my last year in high school. And then I remember that I get to leave, and I am just ecstatic.
90. I love coffee. I remember my grandmother would give it to me (with a lot of milk and sugar) in my sippy cup when I was four (along with really good buttered toast).
91. I’ve gotten a lot better at small talk since having a job.
92. I hate wearing shoes, and if you’ve ever looked at my feet – you could probably realize that.
93. I’m a lot more flexible than most people.
94. I keep everything. I think being a pack-rat runs in my family.
95. The first day I was public about my relationship with a girl, a homeless man criticized me. That kind of makes me laugh now.
96. I am a really active person in my church and I help them out. But I lost all faith in my church and realized that my faith is the only thing that’s gotten me anywhere – not my church; they’re just worthless.
97. I love big earrings.
98. I want to get something pierced and I want to get a star (freehanded) tattooed on my hip bone.
99. I always want to do something drastic to my look, but I’m way too chicken.
100. This list made me realize that I’m crazy, worthless, and just plain ridiculous. And I’m okay with that.

So I haven't talked to C in what feels like forever, which I understand is apart of the whole 'break' process. As well as apart of the, 'let me figure out my sexuality' process. But it's just hard. Before, it was like - we had to talk to each other. And now, whenever we make this awkward small talk online, it feels like we'd be better off just not forcing it. I wish that I could say all the things that I feel and want to say, but it's a matter of holding all of that back. She's extremely busy with her entire schedule with work and sports. And I'm busy with work and all of that. But it's like, at the end of the day, all I want to do is just be able to relax talking to her. But I can't even do that anymore.

Today I was cleaning out my voicemails on my phone, and the only one I had saved was from her before our one year. When we actually were on halfway decent terms. And it was just...idk. Sad doesn't quite suffice here. I miss hearing her voice more than I do seeing her type words to me on my computer. I mean, I see her at work in a blue moon, but even then - things are weird. I just miss us. So I called her and left a message, but I don't even know if it went through. And I don't know if I'm relieved or saddened by that.

I have no idea when any of this is going to get any better, or if it will even get any better.

Sorry for the retarded ranting.

This is just going to end up being a rant.

Okay, so on top of the turmoil of figuring out my sexuality in the midst of the big picture and the outside world, I've been trying to figure out my relationship, past and present, with C.

And basically, we've just been fighting. I feel like she's been rushing this entire process for me. On top of my relationship that I had with B for a year. She just calls me a whore and makes me real horrible for all the "wasted time" that I spent with him. And how she waited around for me for a year, and how everything I want now (maybe) she wanted then. And it's like, she just dangles it in front of my face. "Oh, I'm so on with my life". "Oh, I don't need you - it's taken me so long to figure that out."

How do you expect me to even what to FIGHT for us when you make me feel like it's an illusion to begin with? There is absolutely nothing to fight for anymore. I feel as though she hates me, and I mean, it's understandable. But I would feel so much better if she would just stick to one side. Not one hour make it seem as though she wants this as much as I do, and then the next just condemn it to hell.

She's just turned from an emotional, actually, caring person to a cold hearted bitch. And the blame has been placed solely on me. And I think that it's just so ridiculous that I have to be called a whore and a mess and a liar. And I think it's ridiculous how she just rubs in my face that I'm fighting for something that isn't even present. That she's so over it. That she's moved on with her life. That she doesn't feel the same anymore.

And today she hit the low blow.
That she doesn't even love me.

Okay. So I told the first person (who isn't my lesbian bestfriend/ex girlfriend) that I am infact bisexual.

C knew because well, she's a lesbian. And there was just comfort in that. But we had our relationship, our perks and our flaws. And it came down to just allowing it to be open. She's out and I'm like a retarded moral wreck, so I'm slowly (but surely) just trying to get out there.

I told my friend K a few nights ago that I was bisexual. And he just made jokes about me being curious, yadda yadda, how I'm so boy crazy. But last night I told him that I was completely serious in KNOWING that I was bisexual. And he asked me if I had had any experiences and I said yes.

And then I just started to spill out everything, I was just afraid to tell him who it was with (there's a whole friendship group history with all of us).

But then as the night went on, I told him who. And he kind of freaked, just because everything that's been going on for a while fell into place. And then later he apologized for not stepping up when I gave him the chance to be reassuring. That, in itself, was reassuring.

I have never felt so relieved and bare and amazed. I am extremely proud of myself, whether that is selfish to say. But to just have someone know the TRUTH - it's just this ultimate contentness.

I told him about telling my best friend, S. And he said I should just wait and let it be for a while. One - I'm no where near anything close to ready. And two, it's going to be a hard year for her as it is as the summer closes. Her first REALLY serious boyfriend, who she is madly in love with, is going away to college in NC (we're stuck in the rut called Maryland). And she, as I see is, is going to be devastated. There's no other word for it. And I can't imagine just dropping another bomb on top of that.

But I'm happy with taking my time.
Regardless of if C makes me feel slow and retarded for still caring how she's going to react to it. It's horrifying, y'know?

Okay, so I'm new to the website and have just been browsing before I told myself I was comfortable enough to just start writing and ranting. I have a really long story that's been going on behind the scenes in my life and I just want to get it out and channel the mass confusion in my brain.

So to lay out the people I'm about to throw out there:
S - is my best friend.
B- is my exboyfriend (we dated from july 2006-april 2005; we don't really talk now. he's an asshole)
and C - is my exgirlfriend (we're more or less on a break while a lot is going on..you'll see)

I'm going to try to just go through this as easily and simply as I can, trying to make it as short and brief as possible. But it's truly complicated and drawn out and I don't want it to be that way.

January 2006 - C told me that she was gay. And I didn't really have a problem with it; she was just so concerned when she told me that I was going to hate her. About a week after that, I found out from S that C actually liked me. And I didn't really have a problem with that either. I wasn't freaked out or anything like everyone expected me to be.

At the same time, I started to hang out with B a lot. S was dating his best friend, so I kind up just got lumped into the group and paired up with him 90% of the time. I didn't care, he was a nice kid to me, probably because he liked me. But I slowly started to have an attraction to him, too.

Time went on, months droned on. C told me probably in March that she liked me, but I had already known. So from then on out, we just talked constantly. And this goes beyond daily, this is like every night, all night. About anything and everything. I can't really EXPLAIN the relationship that we had, but it was just comfort and security and we could talk about anything. We talked about her attractions and being gay and how I felt about it.

I never really knew how I felt about it.

This relationship continued to go on and grow, and at the same time, my relationship with B grew as well.

June 2006. C and I kissed for the first time. I was at her house one night because her mom was in the hospital and she needed to have someone with her. And it just kind of happened. We had talked about it before, and how I wouldn't have a problem with it, but I never really expected her to have the guts to do it. So it was a nice surprise.

However, B and I had been going on at the same time, and since she was coming out, and he was just being the straight boy he is - that grew stronger faster. So I was stuck between the two of them, except B knew nothing about C; she knew about him.

July - B and I started dated. C knew it was coming, we used to get in fights about how I should have gone out with him a long time ago, because we had "basically been going out, just needed the label." So for months and months, my relationship with C was just put on hold. We still talked all the time and everything, but I never really saw much of her anymore. We fought about stupid stuff, and I knew she was really irritated with me, and my relationship had a lot to do with that. She felt like I had forgotten about her and that I just used to for whatever reason. So above trying to keep my relationship intact, I was trying to keep (atleast) my friendship intact with her as well.

It proved to be really hard. We stopped talking multiple times. And B would get into fights with me about how I just needed to let the friendship go.

B and I used to fight all the time too, and in the end, that was our demise. It was heartbreaking, because I had put so much time and energy into the relationship (it was naive, I was sixteen/seventeen). But in that, I just had more time available. And I started to see C more. Things were fine when we were together, but then she just thought I used her. I honestly believe she hates me now more than she did when I was going out with B.

In the last three months, C and I have fought a lot. More than we used to. She found things out about B and I, and it's just gotten dirty. She's told me that I'm a lying whore. She's told me that the only reason she stood by me was because she pitied me. And I've told her she needs to get her head out of her ass. Basically we've just been oscillating between love and stay the hell out of my life.

In the past month, I've become more content with the fact that I'm bisexual. It's not so much a secret that I want to keep anymore. And I've told a handful of people, and started to talk to someone just about the situation. In that, I think that C's respected me a lot more. So not just being a fad and using her to say that I've been with a girl. So now, we're on a break where I'm just figuring a lot out about myself. And slowly, us as a relationship with stop being such a secret to the world. Okay - maybe not the world, but the people who matter.

And I think now, my biggest battle is just admitting the fact that I'm bisexual to someone other than myself and her. I really want to tell my best friend, S. And I just don't know how to do it. Because from a bistander, who knew nothing about C and I - it just looks like we have this psychotic friendship that was spiraling downhill continually. But admitting that there was something going on, it's a huge and scary step for me. I have no idea how I'm just going to lay that all on the line.

So that's my nutcase of a story. And I sound like a moral wreck, which I probably am, but I've given myself more morality lessons in the past few months than I have in the past 17 years. And basically all I have now is to figure out where to go from here. Telling my best friend. And figuring out my ..relationship..