My teeth hurt. >.< I took a vicodin, but it hasn't kicked in yet. Or it hasn't kicked in to the extent it used to. I really hope I haven't developed a tolerance for it.

Haddie is going to Iowa for a while. 16 days to be exact, and she's leaving tomorrow. What the hells am I gonna do for 16 days? It's not like I don't have other friends, but I just know I'm gonna go insane. I'm so bizarre; I can't go longer than two days without talking to her or seeing her. It puts me on edge and then I start snarling at everyone. Told'ya. Psycho is my middle name.

I have my last final of the semester today, then no more classes untill fall semester starts in august, I think. So I will miss you all and hope you all have a great Summer vacation.

Talk to you all in a few months!

Later days.

---Arthur

(I seem to go through this every once in a while, some days worse than others, and today just happens to be one of those worse days.)

So, I still hate having a female body!!! So what's new, eh? Old news is good news, I suppose, since it means nothing worse has happened. But then again, it also means that nothing's happened. Yes, Jeff, I know that you gave me some advice on this matter and I am well aware of the fact that I haven't really done anything to change the situation...but I guess I'm sort of waiting to wake up and be fully male, y'know? Like, "Oh, it was just a dream. Move on." Stupid thinking, cause it's not gonna happen.

I can't bind my chest. If I use an ace bandage, I run the risk of damage (the whole breast cancer thing mentioned in a previous journal) and my sister snarled at me the last time I did that. "You came in doubled over cause you wrapped it too tight and were having trouble breathing!! Don't do that again!" So, that means I get to walk around with 36Cs!!!! And get those wonderful fun looks whenever I walk into the bathroom with the stupid picture of a stick woman on the blue fucking circle on the godsdamned door!!!!! And I get to have my mom still get that look whenever I trim my fucking hair! And I get to hate that I used to love to sing, but now I don't because I can't sing in the register/octave/thing I want to so I just sound like a girl! And I still get to listen to my friends trip over pronouns whenever we happen to be around parents because they get so accustomed to the masculine and struggle to switch back to femmenine and using my birthname! And I still get to feel inadequate and lacking and incompetent and furious and threatened whenever a biological male I don't know is near my girlfriend! Because he is everything I'm not and a lot I can never hope to be! I'm not strong, I'm not whole, I'm not enough, I'm not I'm not I'm just not!!!!!!

....Okay, I'm gonna go call a shrink now. Seriously.

Which is today.

Puts a new spin on the whole better-to-be-early-than-late thing I base my life on. Well, appointments in my life, anyway. :)

I'm going to hang out with Haddie and a few of my other friends at one of their houses today. This should be fun. :D The only problem with this is that Gwen heard about this on the phone last night and I could tell she was waiting for me to invite her, but I didn't, since the others don't really...well, she's done a lot of pretty shiddy things in the three years we've all known her, and they tolerate her, sure, but they don't really...yeah, whatever. So I didn't invite her and now I think she might be a bit mad at me...

But I don't care. Cause I get to spend time with Haddie. The others too, but Haddie is the icing on the cake, if you know what I mean. :)

Yesterday, my friend Monica gave me a pocket watch for an early birthday present! It's pretty awesome, I gotta say. Gold in color (cause I hope to the Gods she didn't buy me a real gold watch -_-' ) with a knight on horseback, sword drawn. There's a small crest I can't really make out beneath the knight and horse and an inscription in Latin around the whole thing saying "Foepelctrai Monoarcprocon" which she translated for me...but I forgot what it was...heh heh.

I still like the simple, silver-colored watch Haddie gave me. It's not elaborate or anything. Just a watch, no cover. But I think that if it had been her who had given me the knight watch, I would have liked that better. Hee hee, I'm weird.

So.

My friend "Launce"...we drifted apart majorly after the last time I told Gwen to shove off and leave me alone. There's some serious devotion loyalty thing there (Haha Launce and Gwen, get it?) and I guess I should have expected that. I've gotten a little used to the idea that Launce and I will never be as tight as we were...but dammit, I really miss that punk sometimes.

We still email and he has a deviantArt account and notifies me whenever he posts new work. But it makes me sad to see how his art has changed and sad to think that, although he visits Gwen, he hasn't seen me more than once since this all went down, and that was only cause Gwen asked him to. I just have to laugh though, when I look at the parallels that go with the names I choose to give all of my friends:

Haddie, the most loyal friend I could ever hope to be graced with.(Galahad, most loyal to King Arthur. In most legend, the one knight who found the Holy Grail. Gotta love 'im!)

Launce, the one who Gwen kinda left me for and the one who took off when I turned my back on her. (Launcelot, had an affair with Guinevere and took off when Arthur set her aside.)

Gwen, the first love, the first girlfriend, the cause of numerous emotional scars, but still my friend. (Guinevere, the Queen, Arthur's wife who slept with his best friend and still said she loved him in the end.)

Gawain or Wayn, my niece/best friend who hasn't really done anything except be there for me in any way she can...but she did go out with Gwen for a while...(Gawain, Arthur's nephew and the one who kinda caused all the knights to take off on a wild goose chase to find the Holy Grail.)

Tristan, the friend who moved away and hasn't been heard from since. (Tristan, the pure, the knight who set off on a quest for, Mother Night, perfection????? I think. And wasn't heard or seen of till chapter 15...XD)

Yeah, I'll stop murdering you with the only history I cared enough to remember. It's been fun kids, and now I feel better, believe it or not.

Peace, yo.

----Arthur :P

I wanted to say something important, but I forgot what it was. That happens more and more often lately. I'm almost permanently on pain-killers. I have been having some serious problems with tooth aches lately, though it would probably be more accurate to say tooth /agony/ >.< . This has been going on for a couple of months. I went to the dentist on Monday and they told me to call this dude in upland to make an appointment for two root-canals (that doesn't even cover all of it cause that's only one side of my jaw!!!) and then I have to make a follow up appointment with my dentist for fillings and crowns. It isn't all covered with my insurance though. $110 for a filling and $950 for a crown. Times two. Do the math. Now pick your jaw up off the floor. Yup, that's upwards of $2120 for dental work. Money I don't have since I lost my job. (Don't ask, I'm a stupid slacker, that's all I'm saying.) Course, I wasn't making anywhere near enough to cover that anyway, but still, it would have helped. When I was leaving the Dental office I thanked them but "What do I do for the pain in the meantime??? I mentioned to the examiner that I can't even eat without feeling pain..." They gave me a prescription for Vicodin.

Hm, yeah. I am not a big fan of addictive substances. This is how I got myself into the whole half-a-pack-a-day thing with the cigarettes. The last time I was taking Vicodin, when I sprained my ankle really bad or whatever, I got a bit stupid. I realized that I was suddenly wanting to take one when I wasn't in pain, just in case I /might/ start hurting later. So the plan this time was to dust the bottle of Extra Strength Excedrin that I had been using for pain. That plan failed when my mom saw me clutching my jaw in pain and asked if I'd taken a Vicodin. "No, but I did just take some Excedrin." "You need to take a Vicodin." Yippie. Now I'm scared that I will start becoming dependent on this stoopid, opiate-type pain-killer. I'm gonna end up like Dr. House. I'm gonna get a shrink-friend and pester him until he forges perscriptions to supply my addiction and then I'll get in trouble with the law! -_-' Oy-feckin-vey-on-a-unicycle-with-a-glass-of-jack-daniels. There goes my hyphen quota for the day. (Kinda stole that from Inkblot. Just giving credit where it is due. Thanks 'blot)

:/

Okay, lets be realistic here. People do become addicted to pain meds, true, but not always. I just need to watch myself and make sure I stay smart about all of this. Right? Right??????

Haddie keeps telling me about this. Just thought I'd share with all of you.

http://www.gender.org/remember/day/what.html

I can't seem to find as much info as I would like, but I haven't the time to search thoroughly right now. I've got to go to class. If anyone finds anything more in the way of information, it would be appreciated.

Thanks,

Arthur

Every once in a while I stop to think, what about kids? How am I ever gonna........

I've never wanted to be the one giving birth. Just...can't. Don't think I can handle it, just don't wanna. But I do want kids. Someday. I want to be a father. I want to be a daddy. I want to toss a ball around with my son in the backyard, or teach my baby girl to ride a bike or rollerblade and drive my kids to school.

And with enough money, I could do that. I could adopt. And I'd love an adopted child with everything in me. But...

They won't be a part of me. Everyone wants to leave some kind of legacy, right? We all want to leave a bit of ourselves behind, no? My kids would be my legacy, but they won't be part of me they won't be from me. It sounds selfish, but...I want my own kids.

So my stepdad is rather a homophobe. Funny though, cause he now has two people he has provided for as deviants :D. (Myself, and his son are both gay.)

My neighbor/friend has a girlfriend who basically lives with her (both in high school) and my little stepsister (age 13) tends to spend a lot of time next door. Given that she spends a lot of time in that environment, she has come to be very comfortable around gay people. (Trans people, too, I guess, cause of me. She has a picture of me and her on her folder, and when she was asked by a kid at her school, "Who's that guy?" She responded, "Uh, he's a friend of the family..." Which is an ongoing joke between us. :) )

But apparently (by my mom's account), stepdad made a rude comment about a couple of lesbians that had been leaving a restaurant they had been at, and stepsis snapped that there's nothing wrong with gay people. They argued for a minute or two then stepdad shut up about it. I love my little sister!!! I just can't wait for her to yell at him to shove it. That will be the day I buy her a car. -nodnod-

Hey everyone! I'm back from San Francisco, the city by the gay---I mean bay! (Sorry, Haddie's brother said it first...) I had a great time, even though one of the main reasons I went was to meet a friend and that plan flopped. He'll just have to go all the way to LA now. Bwa ha, that means you!!! You know who you are!

By the way, I keep hearing conflicting info on when Day of Silence is...anyone? I'd be much obliged if you could shed some light on the situation.

:D

This is the journal I really intended to post.

I was talking to Gwen on the phone last night. She accidentally sent me a text that wasn't meant for me: "Lets wait a while to tell Arty that we're back together."

Ooookay. It's none of my business. But she yelled when she heard I'd read it. "Why couldn't you have been a good friend and lied to me?!?!" (Am I missing something here? Friends don't lie...) I didn't ask her anything about it, I started talking about my day and all sorts of random things, but she kept saying that she was angry at me. "I can't believe you.", and so on. I ignored it. I kept a happy face. Until I got off the phone. Then I realized that I did in fact feel like I really did something wrong. WHAT???!!!!!

This goes to what I want to say to her now. "Look. You are so full of ****. You sat there this weekend and SPOONFED me that bull**** about how I'm your /best friend/ and I just ate that up. Your friendship, as it were, is bull****. Why are you hiding from me, Gwen. Why?"

I'm really hating this feeling of combined anger and sadness.

It sucks.

(I got this as an e-mail from Haddie. It kind of made me sad...)

You're a 90's kid if:

You remember watching:
-Keenan and Kel
-Doug
-Ren & Stimpy
-Pinky and the Brain
-AAAAAAAH Real Monsters!
-Rockos modern Life.
-Animaniacs
-Gargoyles

You've ever ended a sentence with the word "PSYCHE!"

You just cant resist finishing this . . . "Iiin west Philadelphia born and raised . . ."

You remember:
-Step by Step
-Family Matters
-Dinosaurs
-Boy Meets World

You remember when it was actually worth getting up early
on a Saturday to watch cartoons.

You remember reading "Goosebumps"

You still get the urge to say "NOT" after (almost) every sentence . . . not
-You remember when Mariah Carey could actually SING.

When everything was settled by:
-rock paper scissors or
-bubble gum bubble gum in a dish or
-ms. mary mack
-doggy doggy diamond step right out!

when kick ball was a daily activity.

when we used to obey our parents

You used to listen to the radio all day long just to record your FAVORITE song of ALL time on a tape.

You remember when Super Nintendos and Sega Genisis became popular.

You remember The Original Game Boy.

You always wanted to send in a tape to America's Funniest Home Videos . . . but never taped anything funny.

You remember watching:
-The Magic School Bus
-Wishbone
-Reading Rainbow
-and Ghostwriter on PBS

You remember when Yo-Yos were cool.
You remember those Where's Waldo books.
You remember eating Warheads and Splashers Gum.

You remember watching:
-the 1st Batman
-Aladdin
-Ninja Turtles
-ghost busters

You remember Ring Pops.

If you remember when every thing was "da BOMB!"

You remember boom boxes .vs. cd players.

Making those little paper fortune cookie things, and then predicting your life with them.

You played and/or collected "Pogs" smile

You had at least one Tamagotchi, GigaPet, or Nano and brought it everywhere.

one word. . . . . . . .trolls.

Windows 95 was the best.

You watched the original cartoons of
-Rugrats
-Wild Thornberry's
-Power Rangers
-Rocket Power.

All your school supplies were "Lisa Frank" brand.

You collected those Beanie Babies.

Carebears

Lambchop's song never ended.

Silver dollars, which were cool to have.

Everyone watched the WB.

If you even know what an original walkman is.

You know the Macarena by heart.

"Talk to the hand" . . . enough said

You went to McDonald's to play in the playplace.

You remember playing on merry go rounds at the playground.

Before the MySpace frenzy . . .
Before the Internet & text messaging . . .
Before Sidekicks & iPods . . .
Before PlayStation3 or X-BOX 360 . . .
Before Spongebob . . .
Before Tupac was shot.
When light up sneakers were cool.
When you rented VHS tapes, not DVDs.

When gas was $0.95 a gallon.
When we recorded stuff on VCRs.
You had slap bracelets!
You Actually played outside until it was dark!

Way back.

Before we realized all this would eventually disappear.

I-rosh!! Hahaha!

It's kind of a stupid in-joke. Gwen was a bit drunk once, listening to Flogging Molly's song "Rebels of the Sacred Heart" and she looked at me, slumped against my shoulder and slurred "Heeeey...this is our SONG, man...." I asked why that is, and she went on, "Cause we're IRISH, but we're not CATHOLIC. We don't go to the Sacred Heart church..."

So now, whenever I hear it I say, "Hey, Gwen. It's our SONG..." And she curses at me. :)

But R. O. S. H.= Rebels Of the Sacred Heart

So, are you Rosh? I-rosh...Get it? Cause "Irish", "Irosh"?...I /toldya/ it was stupid.

But a funny thing happened on Saturday. Haddie hadn't had a good day and she stopped in for a visit. At one point she looked like she could use a hug, so I gladly complied. Flogging Molly had been playing, but at this moment, the chorus to the song "Whistles the Wind" came on:

"Well it breaks my heart
To see you this way
The beauty in life where's it gone?..."

It actually would have been a really sweet (if cliche) moment if the two of us hadn't started laughing the way we did... :D At least we have a good sense of humor.

I am all you've ever wanted, what all the other boys all promised...

I like Brand New.

I'm so bored, and tired. XP Not to mention I have nothing particularly enlightening to say... of course, that implys that I USUALLY say something enlightening...and I don't think I do... O.o

So, for those who care, Haddie busted her ankle the other day. She stepped on it wrong when she was outside of my apartment, and now it's sprained and I feel ridiculous because I also feel marginally responsible for it. I wasn't even THERE! I was inside! She called me when it happened though. Poor thing. I got mad though, yesterday, because, well, the college campus isn't exactly small, and it is rather hilly. She's on crutches and refused to let me carry her bag for her. At one point I said "Damn you and your foolish pride." as gently as I could given that I was considerably exasperated and wanting to kill any person that came too close to her. In response she looked back over her shoulder at me with the most beautiful smile I ever seen on her. No exaggeration, I swear. It shut me up, but didn't make me feel better about the random grimaces I caught and the frequent rest stops. -_-'

To make all of this worse, her other ankle has been troubling her for years and since the "good" one is hurt, she's now putting her weight primarily on the "bad" ankle >.< Grr. Fate pisses me off.

Hey everyone! Or at least, those of you who happen to be reading this...

I have a girlfriend now.

Interesting isn't it. Now, you may ask, of what importance is this information? I answer that it is very important. Cause it makes me happy. And it makes Haddie happy. That, of course, is because it IS Haddie, but why nit-pick, eh?

I miss her a lot right now. I'm sure we all have those times that a few days feels longer than they really are, right? Well, it's been only four days since I saw her, and she's been in Las Vegas since then...and I feel like I haven't seen her in WEEKS. X.X

But yeah. That's the way it goes, I guess.

"'Cause our days were numbered
By nights on too many rooftops
They said we're wasting our lives
But oh, at least we know that if we died
We lived with passion
They said we'd burn so bright
We'd burn their city and go."--Cartel, "Burn this City"

Did you get it yet? It's okay if you didn't. It took my sister a while too.

SO, the question of the day iiiiiiis...What would you do to save someone's life (Literally or figuratively speaking)? What lengths would you go to?

Just to put this out there, I don't know how to answer this question to the fullest extent, but I can say that I would rip their heart out. (Figuratively, otherwise it would defeat the purpose, wouldn't it?) To explain this, I once had a friend who called me in the middle of the night, saying that she just took a bunch of sleeping pills and that if I wasn't going to promise I'd never get an SRS, she was just going to let herself die. So I promised anything I had to to get her to go stick her finger down her throat. Of course, there is no sense in making promises you will not keep and I told her that later, right after rescinding each and every one. Similarily, there was a book I read in which a character pulled off a very convincing story, saying he'd killed his brother's wife and child. This successfully caused the brother to stop being so aggresive with the people that were keeping him captive, and thus, kept him from being killed.

So yeah, any thoughts?

By the way, about the Journal title, read it fast enough and it says "wipe your feet on the mat".... My sister and I were playing this game called "Mad Gab". Y'know, the "Eye mull of mushine/I'm a love machine" comercial? :D