I just got home from the most decadent weekend I've had in years.
I went over to a friend's country house, to celebrate the end of our first Spring Break. Of course, we were like 11 people in the house (which can harbour up to twenty, so it was rather comfortable). A very hot guy aside, it was really amusing. The cooks were worthy of a King's table, conversation was pleasing, and games entertaining. We played a huge variety of card and board games, Badminton (how it ought to be played, in an idle weekend with no worries and having a conversation with the other couple of players and a very cold drinks at hand). I'm happy.

So, yesterday I met with some friends for a couple drinks (our original plan was just meeting, having one or two drinks, and hanging out in a lounge kinda talking and chilling). So, we were 5. Two Girls, A and B (both my friends), and three guys. D, who's A's friend, T who's my friend, and I. So, after like 2 hours in the lounge A took B away, and when they came back A and D left the lounge for a moment. The moment they left, B told T and I that A's friend wanted to go to a club... a gay club. Then she told us he was gay (that explains why he was so keen to talk with me). T and I said that we would go, that it was perfect, and so we went.

We got there, and the place was pretty cool. The music was a little too electronic for me, but I had fun. And there were like a million guys and girls I knew in there! People I would've never thought were gay. I was like really shocked, but it was cool. Oh, and I danced a lot, it was cool.

The bad side is I kinda got in a row with my parents, and lied about my location, and it may be hell if they learn that I lied to them, and that instead of going to the tacky place next door I was in the dastardly gay bar.

And people was SO good-looking!!! I was so sad I had my I'm-gonna-stay-on-a-sofa-the-whole-night. If I knew we were gonna club I would've dressed differently.

I should have gone to Europe for a year, as almost everyone I know did. I shouldn't have gone to law school straight from high school. I look at them, and talk with them, and they're so happy, they've re-discovered themselves and their capacities, they've rediscovered love and life... and I'm here, getting good grades, confused and bored. I haven't found the guts I need to make things change, and I'm scared I won't discover them until I get out of here, out of this bubble of protection around me.

But I'm here, and I'm still in my little microcosm, useless. Should be elsewhere, living my life for the first time, away from everyone. Somewhere where I could be free, where I could err and discover what I'm really about. My limits and capacities need to be tested. Relationships need to mature more. But I can't do any of that if I stay here, in this world where I study, sleep, eat, party, drink. The only time when I can think is when I'm in a club, far away from the people I know. Alone with strangers, people who's just worried about dancing, having fun. People who doesn't expect a brilliant future from me, an insightful comment, a perfect style. But I can't bear to live like this, waiting for the next weekend, for the next night out.

Always, in my dreams, I am away. Some wonderful city unfolds as I walk, and every turn brings a new panorama, a new set of values. Step after step on other streets, where no one knows me, where I can rediscover myself.
'Hi, I don't know who I am. Do you want to help me discover that?'.
Imagine just being able to re-define yourself, without thinking about how that fits with what people expect from you, how they will think you're just going through a phase or faking something.

Nevertheless, I can't go away. It's impossible... Perhaps in a few years, but then it won't be worth it. Everything will be carved in stone by then, and only something radical will let me change that. Yeah. I don't like the colour of my life, and there's nothing I can do to change it.

So the world keeps on turning, and everyone's lives keep on being lived. Until the next weekend, when I can stop being myself for a few hours, I'll suffer and die a little inside.

I'm happy right now. I just had dinner with a very good friend, we talked a lot, I had a nice very cold beer (I had a beer craving since like yesterday), and a nice hamburger. It was fun and I'm just really happy.

It's been a peculiar day. First, I accidentally ripped two COP$50,000 notes (around 50 bucks) today. And they were brand-new *sigh*. It wouldn't have been a problem except for the tiny detail that the petrol station where I was filling didn't had the stupid thingy you use to pay with credit card, and I owed them $70,000. Stupid petrol station.... I had to walk like a kilometre before I found an ATM.
Then I had to make a 460 pesos (25 American cents) cheque. Don't ask why, it was stupid.

Mr. Big is kind of bored of his boyfriend, so he's thinking about breaking up with the guy. He's confused about it... I just hopes he makes the right decision, whatever makes him happier.

I'm going to the theatre now. Eugene Ionesco play. Yay.

Yesterday I was flirting a little with Mr. Big (ha was also flirting), and he just said like 'wait. I can't. I have a boyfriend'. The good side is he's feeling guilty, what means that he actually thought something may happen. The bad side is that 1. I don't wanna be a boyfriend thief, and 2. I know he's too good to cheat on his boyfriend. So yeah, I'm kind of down.

The upside to being down this very week, is that from tomorrow on, I'll have 10 free days. Yeah. 10 glorious days with no responsibility. So, and in order to cure my blues, I've planned 8 days of pure clubbing. Yeah!
I'm gonna go clubbin' 7 nights on a row. No time for hangover, just paaaaaaartying.
No, I'm not alcoholic. But I love clubbin. Is like I can just be free, and nothing wants anything from me except having a lot of fun. I can stop worrying about everything for a few hours, and I can have pure, perfect fun.
I can't wait for Friday. Seriously, I can't. I may even try and go to a very gay (and very cool and upscale) disco. I've been told music is great, and guys are hot.

And, perhaps, and if I'm lucky, Mr. Big's relationship will be over soon (in good terms, no cheating, just a relationship fading to black), and I'll get a text telling me to call him. I'll call him and he'll ask me for coffee. I'll meet him for coffee, and he'll say he likes me, again, and I'll tell him I also like him *Sigh*.

Good news first:
I met this hot, smart, kind guy. He's gay, he's out, he knows I'm gay, and he thinks I'm cute. He loves the same books and the same music I do. He's about my age, and a Senior in a very good and recognised school in here. I'm chatting with him right now, and I can't believe there's someone that cool in this world. I'm seriously dying for this guy.

The bad news:

He's in a very serious relationship.

----Edit----
If Matt Bellamy, Dom Howard or Chris Wolstenholme need a slave, a doormat, an ashtray or someone to punch to relieve stress, I'll be more than glad to be that. Or whatever they want. I love those guys. They're not human, they're gods.
-----end of edit----

Ok. So, yesterday I went clubbing with some new university friends, and it was a mess.
So, we were like 5 persons who've lived here all our lives, and we kinda know how clubs work here (where do you study, what brands are you wearing, how's your hair, which names can you drop...), and like 3 persons from smaller cities of the country. First, we tried to get into this really cool place and I was already inside when I got a call... on the girls from another city didn't bring her ID (you need a special ID to proof you're old enough to vote, drink, buy cigarettes & Co). The bouncer I know wasn't working this weekend, so I had to leave the place and find another one.
Luckily another bouncer allowed this girl inside at another club. So, we're inside the club and we're like (everyone buys what they wanna drink and keeps him/herself in control). Unfortunately, these guys from small cities CAN'T hold their alcohol, so after 2 hours and two Gin & Tonics (two, seriously, that's like no alcohol at all), a girl and a guy started making out. Like 20 minutes later (they were in a different part of the club), a security guard approaches me and tells me that he had to like break 'em apart. Awesome. So, the guard practically shoved the girl and the guy into my sofa, and I told them to just sit down and wait for me (I was going to get them a bottle of water to try to sober them up a little). When I came back with the bottle, they were gone...again. So, after talking with the people I went to the club with, I decided they were not my problem so I forgot about them.

About 3 hours later I was quite drunker, dancing with some random people, when the guard tells me that he separated the couple again, and that the girl locked herself in a bathroom stall. I had to call a girl friend, who was really drunk, and tell her to help the girl. I had to (literally) take the guy out of the club, buy him water, give it to him, get him some chicken and potato broth, and get him a cab with his address written on his hand. We had to do the same for the girl 10 minutes later, and now both of them are having the worst moral hangover ever.

Oh, and I'm hungover...but I had fun most of the night. Random people was relly nice.

Well, I decided that I couldn't forget some persons whom I miss a lot. And..well, anyway, a small list of the people and miss and why:

1. Best girl friend No. 1: she's gone to a top-5 US university. Damn it. Of course I'm happy for her because that university was her dream, but I miss her. I saw her everyday, I visited her a lot, and I love her house's tomato soup. She's one of the persons I could trust 100%, and I miss seeing her family, talking with her, and dancing in the huge living room.

2. Best guy friend: not only I've not really good guy friends to talk with, I also lost a confident and half of my wardrobe. Yeah, we shared pretty much everything (specially clothes). He's gone for a term to Europe... and since I was gone the weekend he left, he kind of raided my wardrobe. He took about half my things, specially a long coat he loved (I know he's gonna keep it). I have a pair of shoes I'll keep, among other clothes. I also miss his hugs! He's the only straight guy confident enough about his sexuality to share clothes with a guy he knows is gay, and hug him for long periods of time.

3. Best girl friend No. 2: another one gone to a top-5 university in the US. Damn you Americans and you universities! I miss her badly, I miss going to to drink coffee and cocktails with her, I miss going over to her house to watch TV and talk about crazy things. And I miss, badly, being able to help her write speeches. I love writing speeches.

4. The Odd Couple: I miss those two! They're the kind of couple that's been together since elementary school, and they're just the funniest people ever (I went to a private school, and my grade was just like 40 persons, so yeah, they've been together SINCE elementary school).

5. My school's french teacher. She's the nicest woman in the world, and one of the only persons that has told me all her secrets. She's just awesome, awesome, awesome.

P.D.: there's a really hot guy in two of my classes, and he's really nice to me. And he's smart. He's so becoming a crush!

People actually likes me!
My new university friends bought a cake for me and planned this little birthday celebration (in between classes) in my favourite part of the campus! I was sooo touched. And my Int'l friends called, and I got a lot of Facebook messages!

I'm really close to making my parents get a divorce or something. My mum's been really mean to me lately, and my father's really pissed at her. Now, I'm always trying to do my best to not interfere, and if my mum is rude and unfair to me I try to look like the bad guy, so my father won't be mad at her. But, lately, she's being mean to me on his face, and he's really pissed, and I just fucked the 4th family lunch in a row. I just needed to study, and I asked for permission, saying that -if they'd allow me to- I was going to do some reading while the food got to the table. My mother changed her mind on the restaurant, and my father just gave me money for a delivery, and sent me home with his driver. He just called, and he told me that he has left the restaurant, that he's having lunch with his mother, and that he won't talk to my mother until it's absolutely necessary to do so.
Yeah, I'll become yet another rich kid with a crappy childhood, a broken family, and serious problems to grow up, face the reality, and deal with things.

I hate it. I can't stand it. It's more confusing than like... it's the most confusing thing ever! Gooooooooooooooood, I hate it.

:)
Seriously. I thought 'well, how can I get rid of him?'. He is a phantom from the past, who planned to haunt me with accusations of horrible things. He said he 'only wants our friendship back'. Yeah sure (sarcasm).
Now, I though later, how can get rid of him without antagonising him? Obviously, making him drift away. If he decided he don't wanna be my friend any more, because I have become a horrible person, who's to blame for the failed friendship but him?
And then, a tiny little voice on the back of my voice said 'hey, back here is the product of a privileged childhood with very spoiling parents, maids, drivers, and very little conscience'. Why not? I mean, I could use being a sociopath for a while. So, I switched to my sociopath mode, and one MSN conversation later he got completely scared.
Lying, manipulating, and being a complete arsehole can be a lot of fun if your conscience can be switched off for a while!
I was missing the sociopath in me. Now, I'm gonna hug myself and gloat in my awesomeness. Then I'll dominate the world and everything in it :)

I'm having really awkward moment right now. I mean, it's so awkward I wish I could just like vanish into a cloud of smoke.
I've blushed so much I'm a deep shade of crimson. God. This is embarrassing.

I NEED A TURTLE!

I hate awkwardness.

----Update!---
HE'S DIGGING EVEN DEEPER, AND IF I DON'T HAVE THIS CONVERSATION, HE'S GONNA MAKE IT HAPPEN ANYWAY. AWESOME. I GET AWKWARDNESS WITH A FUCKING MANIAC! WHY CAN'T PEOPLE JUST LET SOME THINGS GO?!?!??!?!

I hate taxes. I love The Killers. I don't really like NIN. I kind of like The Ting-Tings. But, right now, I really-really-really hate those stupid taxes.