dating a girl whose whiter than Casper can be a real pain in the ass when merely touching her can leave a visible mark. now i'm pretty much not allowed to even touch her neck, seeing as she gets in trouble whenever i leave a hickey on it. her loss, i guess, she should invest in some sunlight.... but it's cool, i was excited for getting to see her twice in one week, that's pretty much unheard of in our relationship. i had to skip pre-calculus one day and then drive like a madwoman the other to see her, but it was worth it. i find it pretty amazing that we're officially on our 3rd year of dating, it kinda shocks me in a way that we were able to stick it out this long. i'm glad, though, and very happy that i've been able to find someone that i can count on for anything and that i trust so much. yay, i get to see her next week at Disneyland too, should be special, it's where we first started dating..... and my birthday is on Tuesday! go turning 17, can finally get into those rated R movies. too bad i never go to the movies.

anyone ever had to get up and hold demonstrations for elementary school children for 6 hours straight on 2 hours of sleep? cause i did today. i haven't slept good in a week, i keep having these weird ass (mostly provocative) dreams about claire-knows-who (mostly my g/f) doing claire-knows-what (mostly us doing eachother). i don't care what people think the norm is for men and women, but i know that females definitely have got to have the worst of the two sex drives (especially after being deprived of any since July). if i don't get a good nights sleep soon (or have sex) i'm gonna throw a bitch fit on somebody. AHHH!!!

the worst thing for a musician, having your hands and fingers hurt like a bitch. just lovely...... i'm starting to hate this job, it's like the better i become at it, the more i wish i wasn't doing it anymore. so i'm a "human sign performer" (a.k.a. sign holder), good money, bad working conditions. today i get my finger caught on a handle, slice it open, bleed all over myself, and then have to keep working. not like there's a floor nurse or anything of the sort, i'm on a street........ worst part, having to come home, look at my drum set, and know that i'm not gonna be able to hold the sticks, let alone play. guess i'll do without for a while

i can't help but to feel like my g/f should just leave me in the dust right now, if not go back in time and do it, for someone better. being in a long-distance relationship plus having my parents practically forbade me to see her, you'd think that she would have just moved along already, really. not like she doesn't make it oh-so obvious that there are plenty of other people that want to get with her anyway. i read something she wrote a long while back saying that if things didn't work out between us that she would have tried to get with some other girl she liked at the time. it got me thinking about whether she would have been happier with that girl than me, and if i had to put my money on it, i would probably say with her. i'm not saying that i haven't tried to put my efforts into making her happy, that's all i ever try to do, but over the years it has seemed like my efforts are becoming more and more futile. then there's the problem of me stupidly slipping and getting caught up with this other girl. i know it was wrong, it was my moment of utter weakness, i'm sincerely sorry for what i did, but then it makes me wonder about my g/f too. if i feel this lonely and all, wouldn't she be feeling the same way? wouldn't she be trying to ease her feelings and end up getting caught up as well? she says she hasn't, but it causes this inner tumoil thing in my thoughts. cause she could be lying to me for all i know, i wouldn't know though, so that's the problem. but then another problem is what if she's telling the truth about not doing anything with anyone else? does that make me more of a monster or undeserving being than her because she can resist and i cannot? am i weaker because of it? does that mean she loves me more than i love her? i really don't know any of the answers to these questions, but they've been haunting me a lot lately. i don't really like the thought of her with someone else, but i definitely don't like the thought that i'm not worthy enough for her because i'm not strong enough to handle my own problems... which brings me back to my initial problem that she would probably be better off without me. she's off doing her own thing, meeting new people, my band buddy patrick has made it plain and clear that everyone is bound to hook up with someone or another when they go on tour for BD's, and seeing as my g/f's well on her way to doing BD's, i'm definitely dredding that already. bound to find someone on those trips. i guess as her g/f, i'm supposed to put my faith into her not doing anything, idk, seems pretty farfetched, the odds are definitely against nothing happening... alright, i'm done putting my psychological problems out there for the world to see...

so my name on this here site is BlueDevilWannaBe. i'm not too sure why that had to be the first thing that popped into my head as i racked my brain for a name (hey, that rhymes), but i figure since it's not really self-explanitory to most people, and i was thinking about it earlier anyway, that i'd explain it to all the squares out there that don't know who the Blue Devils are (anyone who lives around the Bay Area probably has a better chance of knowing than most). the Blue Devils (more commonly referred to by me as the BDs) are the most fantastic group of field show marching competitors on the planet (any Cavalier fans out there can bite me). and i, being the fabulous band geek that i am, have wanted for the past 3 years to join them. i came close this season, really close, but of course my parents pulled the rug out from under me at the last second and i was not allowed to participate (hence the wannabe status)... i've never really been a wannabe in any aspect in my life, and to know now that i am is pretty depressing if i do say so myself. now i get to oh so graciously endure another season of watching some of my band mates, friends, and now my girlfriend become part of an elite group of musicians and make long-lasting bonds and cherish the opportunity to master a show and live something that i desperately wanna live... i'll be nice, don't worry, i'll be suppotive as well, i'm proud of them already, it just sucks knowing that i won't get to join in on the experience, and probably never will get to anymore after this year.

alright, i'm new now, haven't been part of a real online forum talky thingy since the 7th grade (i'm in the 11th now), and my g/f just told me about this place, and i found out that she's been a part of it for the last 2 years..... very interesting, if i do say so myself...... but anyway, she's passively persuaded me to sign up, i'm doing so very cautiously, i might add....... not too sure how this is going to go, i don't like being the new kid to any kind of situation.......... so this is for you, you better be happy