My mom has large granular T-cell Leukemia. A super rare form. She's been I'm the hospital a few times before. Quite a few times. At least once a year since 2006. I'm here now with her on her second day in CCU watching "Life" on the Discovery Channel.
I have 3 cats and have so far been awakened by the sound of cats fighting 3 times tonight. Usually the neighbor cats wander into our yard (sometimes our house) and our cats screech them out. When I went outside it turned out to be my small little girl kitty (the one who's my pal) that was ridding of the enemy while the bigger boys watched hah! Proud of that little thing but now she's really skittish and jumping in the air randomly like something biting her feet. Wierd.
Oh! I got in to Vancouver Film School!!! I'm going October 2011!! Yessssss!!!
I saw Muse on Sunday! I just about peed. By far the best live band I've ever seen. They were the only band left on my list of must-see. Absolutely amazing. I've never seen a band rip so hard. Their sound is so much fuller and heavier live it's just....SO GOOD.
Mom and I tried to get tickets before but thought they were all sold out and that any ticket vendors would be overpriced, etc. But a bunch of people I knew had either seen them or were going to see them and I was getting a little down reading about how awesome they were on facebook.
I'm a little tipsy. A touch. Vodka and Jones sodas. Very tasty mix. Call it a disclaimer, I'm a little more loose in thought in this state than others.
It was my birthday on Thursday. I spent the day at school. Well, my Tuesdays and Thursdays are both full school days, from 9 in the am til about 5 in the pm then back at 7 for life drawing and that ends at about 9:30. It's a full day. But it's all art so I'm not complaining. And actually, since my AA credits are satisfied, my grades don't matter all that much anyway. Not that I'm slacking. Just saying.
Seeing C last night was great. She was very understanding and has a very reasonable grasp on our past. We even sat and talked for a couple hours. She explained that a lot of the reason her contact with me is so minimal is because her girlfriend is touchy on the subject of her and I. I guess C being hung up on our relationship interfered with the beginning of theirs.
What I want to say to C:
"For the last couple of weeks I've been thinking a lot about you and our relationship. This last week I applied for film school and in doing so I had to write an outline and synopsis of of the film I'm most passionate about making. Being that it's the story of my coming out, I was doing research on my online gay journal so that I can stick as true to the real story as possible.
There's quite a few of you who post now that I'm not familiar with. For the past couple of years posting has been infrequent for me. So, I'm just going to re-introduce my story a little bit, just so the story I want to tell makes sense.
I have class all day Tuesdays and Thursdays. I didn't feel like going today. I've been thinking all to much about C (memory refresher: the girl that made me realize I was gay and join this site, my first GF etc). And it's been making me depressed.
Things with C really went to hell and it's my fault. This was all the two years ago and for the past two years I've been ignorant to how aweful that situation was. I had a girlfriend for a year and a half of that. Well, everything moves in circles and the circle's ending with me.
I read this whole journal.
Started at the beginning and have spent the last couple days getting up to here. I got into it because I'm applying for film school and one of the requirements is to write a synopsis of the movie I'm most passionate about making, which is autobiographical about my coming out and such. Well, I just have bits and pieces so I was doing research to better grasp the story. I was originally going to bend it but I figured sticking as close to the original story would be best.
T and I broke up.
Alright, look, the breakup sucked. I mean, it was mutual...sort of. I think it's the only way to resolve our problems, which is unfortunate to say. But we just kept going in circles with a bunch of little stuff. And then I started planning going to college and that sent her into a tizzy. You know, I'll be going away, long distance doesn't work, etc etc. So, an expiration was slapped onto our relationship.
T and I have been alright. It's always back and forth with us. We went to Santa Anita Racetrack closing day and had a wonderful time together. It was a very nice day. At the end of the day we had a little tiff about our sex life and talked it over. Still no resolution, but we have been more intimate.
As for the "crush." Well, forget it. I don't even think about it anymore. I'm glad it passed.
T and I have felt a little less than connected lately. I've been off for the past few days, and she's been nice and bared with it, but I feel like we're having trouble really getting in sync with eachother.
Well, for one, our sex life is going down the tube. I never thought the term "lesbian bed death" would apply to my relationships. Frequency is about once every couple weeks. We're really trying to work on it, and really seems to be on me. Her sex drive is a billion times more than mine, but even so, mine seems pretty low...
I feel much better having posted that entry about my crush. It made it seem less like a big deal once said "aloud." It's less of a deal when it's not such a big secret.
Alright, I'll just say it. I need to get it off my chest. Maybe now it will go away.
I have a crush on someone. An 'attraction' may be more the word.
Now, I want to get something straight: I have no intention of pursuing this girl or going behind T's back or anything. (Reading my previous post will help go along with this one.)
I think I'm overthinking it, a little. But I really hate this. It's fun to have a crush, but it also sucks when you're not supposed to have a crush and you have to suppress it. Major confliction!
It's been about a year since I've posted something. I believe my last post was about the non-fiction story I wrote for a class that had a positive influence on an in-the-closet classmate. I wonder how he is...