Alright, so M. Another straight one. Ah, story of my life.

I've known her for a while, but not so much personally til the end of last school year/summer. She became friends with T [one of my close friends] and so she was around more. Plus she's been friends with S and that group of friends. A lot of people have actually said negative things about M. Those who know her, like her, those who don't, not so much. The thing is she doesn't take bullshit and will call out anyone who has a front, or is stupid, haha. But she's never been mean to me.

She's way funny. Great sense of humor. [I honestly think she became more friendly with me once she knew I was gay, too. Haha, I don't know it just seemed like that.] We like a few of the same things: the show What Not to Wear [she has great sense of style too], Kathy Griffin, Chelsea Handler, and have similar musical tastes.

We say we're always on the same wave-length. Sometimes when no one else really gets what I'm joking about, she does get it. Haha that sounds like "she so gets me!" but that's not how I mean it. We look at eachother and do that "I'm watching you" sort of movement, you know, from our eyes to the others, just, less threatening. "Same wave-length."

And besides all that, she's really beautiful.

Anyway, it's a long story of how I started to like her and all the silly shit that went with it. I'll try to make it as brief as possible. During summer we hung out a few times with T and our other friend E. I just remember this instant when I looked at her and she was already looking at me, and she smiled and looked away. It was one of those wierd slow motion kind of things. And I immediately thought "gee, she's pretty. But I could never have those sort of feelings for her." And I kind of dismissed all that I was actually feeling at that time.

But it became a little harder to ignore and I started thinking about her more and more. I eventually acknowledged it as a crush. And what was more intruiging about her was that I didn't know her past: I wasn't sure if she'd dated any gays, had a real boyfriend, who she's kissed, etc [when our friends made a kissing chart she wouldn't participate at all]. And of course, I ask 'is she gay?' Well, on T's birthday we decided to go to her house and suprise her. T wasn't home and didn't come home for an hour, so we got to talk and I learned that she dated many guys and they all sounded like fuddy duddys.

She has a really big personality, and it's hard to match, really. She's loud, and bold. Some say obnoxious, but I think she's just bright. She talked about how guys are too "fake" when they hold doors open and are constantly feeding her compliments and being super cheesy. And I don't know, I realized that there's been a lot of guys who were just kind of the same kind of date. It appeared to be that she was... picky, I guess. I just felt like I was one of the "fuddy duddies."

That same day I awkwardly asked her to hang out after we left T's and she awkwardly replied some kind of "I don't care." So now I'm left with her decision, right? It kinda pissed me off. But what am I supposed to do? I had her over, and like an hour later she was like "I think I'm gonna go home..." And I was her ride, so, yeah... it was way awkward and discouraging. I wrote a lot in my diary that weekend, haha. As well is in my notebook that seems to be filled with teenage angst, hah.

Since then things haven't been as awkward. [And I know, if things were awkward just being casual, could you imagine being more than friends? Probably not. But I don't know, it hasn't discouraged me enough out of liking her, you know?] We've hung out a few times, mostly with others. Last Saturday she came over before E did, and it was just us for an hour, and that was nice. Not awkward like on T's birthday. Ugh.

But ack. She's straight. It's driving me insane. And what's worse, is I can't really talk to anyone about it, because I don't want T to babble to her [they're pretty tight], and C doesn't like M. I can talk to my mom, but not like you can a friend, you know? So, I'm back, hahah.

That's sort of just the backstory. A long backstory.

The last time I posted was in July. Dang. Do you remember?

I'm the girl who had the crush on the girl over a year ago and that's why I started posting. Figured I was gay, had a long going crush on my straight best friend, eventually wound up with that straight best friend (C), and then we broke up in March. Now best friend is not so straight, haha. I'm convinced she's gay, she's convined she's bi.

Ok, caught up.

I had become very secure in my sexuality that in a way I didn't need this site anymore. The most I had was one straight crush [I think I told you guys about how on the last day of school I told her how I think she's cute, blah blah ugh] and that's been it. I didn't really have anything to blog about anymore, as far as this site goes. But I guess it can go beyond just being for the confused.

Anyway... I'm back because I have a new crush that's hard to talk about with friends, and I need to get shit off my chest. I have to leave in 15 minutes, so I'll just have to sum up, really: she's friends with T [I think that's the acronym I gave her] and we'll call this new crush "M." I've been hanging out with them more and more lately and I've developed a liking for M. M is very beautiful, and very liked by guys. She's also not liked by C. Ugh.

That's all I can say right now, I really do have to go. But expect a novel on this later. My diary just isn't cutting it anymore

The night before last I had a dream that I had a new girlfriend. But that was all after a huge wave came in and dug out a cliff on the shore and took all our beach items. Nah, this was later, after that, in a shack-like beach house.

It started out being C. You know, my ex. My first girlfriend. My best friend. If you read my journals, you've known C from the start. And we sitting across from eachother, with ehr more to my left, and she leans over and starts kissing my back. My lower back. I get turned on and direct her hand to my privates. WTF. But it ends up not being C. It turns out looking like a girl I knew from school [but hadn't talked to in a couple years].

So, no more C, it's that girl now, and something interrupts us and when that stops, I kiss her, and she falls back onto a bed and I lift her shirt up and she's not wearing anything underneath and I kiss her stomach up to the middle of her chest and we have to stop for something or other. And that was about the extent of the interaction.

I don't know what to make of this dream, really. I had another one where I kissed a girl and it felt like C, which sounds strange, but it did. And to be honest, I don't like it. I love C, and she was a good kisser, but those days are over. We don't kiss at all in real life, and I'd rather we not.

And a sidenote: when I think of myself having sex from someone, I think back to how C and I always got close and never did. It never felt alright. Thinking back, it was like we were too immature or something [probably were] and when I think of ME having sex, I still feel like I'm too... I don't know... immature, I guess. Like I'm not really sexy. Like I'd be clumsy, like I couldn't do it right. Like I couldn't do it at all.

I try not to pay much attention to it at all, because I'm probably not at all ready for sex, and who the fuck is there to have sex with, but when I have dreams like that, it makes me wonder... I don't know what, but it makes me wonder.

Is there something I'm not addressing with C? Something in regards to how we got close without really ever getting close?

This is turning into a rant of sorts, but sometimes it feels like we're still a couple. We spend tons of time together, cuddle on occassion, and it's not rare for her to pamper me with back rubs and such. Sometimes I avoid backrubs because I don't like the way it make us feel like a couple. And I'm too awkward to confront her about how I feel under those circumstances. I'm hoping she doesn't have those feelings anymore, and I don't want to hurt her feelings otherwise. But perhaps I should say something.

WTF with that dream.

Having an ipod will be great... when everything is done. It's only on the Cs and it's been running for over an hour. Whew. Easier than uploading disc after disc though.

I didn't mention what happened at my work the other day. Lots of people I know come in, and so I was thinking "what if Z comes in? for a father's day present or something?" and sure enough, not long after the thought, here she comes in with her mom. I automatically have to say hello to any entering customers, so as soon as I here the door open it's second nature to turn and greet them. I saw that it was her and pretty much shit a brick. She gave a friendly "hey!" and kept walking. They left without buying anything.

Oh, whatever. I messaged her later trying to start a casual conversation, asked her what she was up to at my work, etc, and tried to ask how she was doing or something, and the message has been "read" but no reply [myspace]. So, whatever. That's probably as close to closure as it's going to get unless I directly ask "do you want to date me!" but come on... she doesn't.

So take it! Move on, self, for Christ's sake. A girl who won't give you the time of day isn't worth YOUR time of day.

Damnit.

I saw "The Strangers" today with my dad. Has anyone seen it? That shit was suspenseful. I think what mostly makes it scary is that it's realistic. That shit could happen to anyone, really.

I can't wait until I just have a day to sleep, eat, do some chores, sleep, draw or paint or write music, and just lounge, without a damn thing to do. This week has been jam-packed with activites and it won't end until Monday.

We ate shit at our show today. Fucked up songs, the bass I was playing crapped out and I had to get a new one, we weren't playing our own equipment, etc etc. People said we did good, but I think they're a little dishonest, haha. But kind. None of my friends really went. The normal [Y and her buddy, good friends of the band, been there since the start] and then a couple of my friends came in right before we finished our set.

I can't get Z off my mind. She was nice to me on Thursday. She talked to me a little. Didn't seem awkward around me. [I went to my art class one last time before I was officially done with school]. When her and her friend were leaving she said "bye guys" and looks at me and says "have a nice summer" and smiles and turns her head and walked away. It was one of those slow motion moments, you know. When you're like "ahh she's looking right at me, eye contact, smile" and it was a good feeling because of it, though it was nothing more than politeness/friendliness.

I don't know whether I did wrong or right in telling her I think she's cute. It's like I'm on a cliffhanger that's never going to go one way or the other. Have I mentioned this? I think I have.

Tomorrow I go to a music/hippy festival in Santa Barbara. C's already there, her mom and aunt are driving me up tomorrow. I'm tired, but it should be fun.

Btw, I've raked in sooo much cash for graduation. And tickets to see Death Cab for Cutie AND and ipod.

Ah I will no longer be a highschool student after today. I grow up today. I have to walk a straight line and sit between two tall guys for a couple of hours, recieve an empty case mimicking my diploma and then I get to have cake with family members and go hang out at C's beach house.

This morning [I'm up quite early, I realize] I'm going to my art class [which I don't have to be in cause senior finals ended] to join their breakfast burrito party, have a last hoorah with my art teacher [who we're very close to] and get a last look at [shit what did I call her? Z?] Z. You know, the one I told was cute.

Really, telling her that didn't bring any closure at all. It's like I'm waiting for a response that's never going to come. Cliffhanger almost. Like how I felt when I had told C I like her and all she could say was "I'm straight." But what can I do?

Do you listen to Mewithoutyou? Great band. Religious, but the lyrics are amazing and I hardly care. I can take my own meaning. The only complaint is that a lot of their songs sound alike, hah. But I guess that's going to happen with that genre. I'm listening to "January 1979" on youtube repeatedly, though, haha.

Ah I hope today's alright. Karma's been kicking my ass lately so I don't know, I hope everything goes alright.

How convenient that my wireless reaches the backyard. I bought some tanning lotion at my work and some aloe lotion and now I'm all set to brown for the summer. Hopefully minus the skin cancer. I've sunblock on,t oo, though.

Today was my last day of class. Ever. Graduation is Thursday and then, that's it. It feels a little inconclusive; it kind of snuck up out of nowhere. All of the sudden I'm a senior and I'm finally going to get what I asked for when I was just in elementary school. I'm not upset, it's just a shock. [If there's errors in this, I can barely see the screen because of the sun, so I probably missed any typos].

LA Pride was about as exciting as Long Beach. Not many booths to look at, and not a whole lot going on. I'll have to go for a parade or march or something active next time.

Better take this thing inside before it gets too warm.

I was signing my friend's yearbook. It was block schedule for senior finals and I had art that morning with the girl who resembles Alexis Bledel [I forget her acronym... Z? do you remember? It's Z now]. K and B had it planned to tell people what we thought of them at the end of the year, though I really only had one in mind.

I passed up all my opportunities. Got nervous, felt nauseous, let it slip. Our art teacher was crying because all her seniors were leaving her, and Z was standing alone, and I watched her walk out the door and wave goodbye at me.

I saw Z sitting on the grass by my friend. Nauseous. Perfect opporunity, it was punching me in the face. "I will regret it. It'll ruin all chances of saying 'let's hangout sometime' and she probably won't be too interested in talking to you again." But what have I got to lose? I'm throwing my shit to the wind, she's a junior and what are the chances we'll see much of eachother even if I'm sticking around town? And what are even the chances of us hanging out? Slim to none. "You will regeret not doing this. Despite what you think already, you will kick yourself for not having the balls to tell her."

I walk up, get her attention "Hey how's it going?" And tell her and K and A's idea on telling people what we really think. "So, I think you're adorable. If you were down the persuasion [or, if you were gay, in otherwords] I'd probably date you." Turn to her friend, tell her she's got a great hair cut [short, very cute] then turn back and conclude "yeah, you're really cute, have a nice day." They are giggling and the friend says thank you and Z says have a nice summer.

I wish I could've edited in and out some things but over all, I DID IT! If I sounded a fool or a wierdo, oh well. If she's kinda creeped out, oh well. I threw my shit to the wind and got ballsy and just fucking did it.

LA Pride, here I come.

I got second place in our writing contest with the piece I wrote about realizing I was gay. And it will be in our literary magazine for all to see. Eat it up, conservatives. I'm queer, I'm here, get used to it!

Sex and the City is as long as Lord of the Rings, but has better fashion. I actually really quite liked it. Kept you interested. Oh, Mr Big.

And you know, I don't know, though I've never been a fan of marriage, maybe it wouldn't be so bad. Just, no kids. (Icky).

Oh, and since my last rant about writer's block, I wrote 3 songs. I think I like them.

I'm sure everyone had the day off school for Memorial Day. Yes, and I didn't have work! So we had band practice for a few hours, and that went while, minus our lead singer. He's always off doing something else. Rarely comes to practice. Sometimes we think he's not always truthful in his whereabouts. Eh. And on that topic, we think he's gay with his good pal. I'm crossing my fingers!

After band practice I met up with a new friend, who often goes to our shows [and likes girls! and guys, has a bf] we'll call her... has R been taken? R, then. We had lots of fun, hiking, talking about being gay, girls, being gay, girls, the L Word, how we like a lot of straight girls, gay girls, being gay. Loved it. And then we watched the L Word and ate quesadillas.

I suppose next weekend is gay weekend with her and her reeeaally gay friend. We're going to have an L Word weekend. Her friend and I have a bit in common, actually, both are blonde, gayer than gay, and play bass in a band. Can't go wrong.

It's lovely knowing people of your kind.

Upset because I can't write it out of my system. Because I can't sit down and just tell a story. Why can't I just sit down and write it out? I'm always stuck, always blocked. Lots to write about, no tongue to do it with. Perhaps I've overestimated my abilities in the past.

Time to rethink my future major.

Irritated because I live in this town. This conservative town. Because all the girls I like are straight. Because I can't write her out of my system.

However, pleased that I have a "tolerance" sticker on my car now. That I got to spend my Sunday in my environment [that is, around a lot of gay people at Long Beach Pride]. That I have a best friend who can relate. That she is truly my best friend. That I was nominated for winner in our school's writing contest [seems to contradict my irritation].

Pleased that the author of the second best selling novel and I have something in common. Go, Daphne Du Maurier. But I'm very sorry for your boy trapped in the box all your life. Thank god for Gertrude, I guess.

I'm cutting it close, here, but I don't care about work. I have 45 minutes to shower and get ready. Eh. I wish I could quit and get a job I like. But really, what's out there? Is there anyone who actually likes their job?

At least I have work off tomorrow, because I'm going to Long Beach Pride!! It's a couple hours away, but oh well... I've bought the tickets and C and I are heading down there. Hopefully it's chill.

Gah I think it is a small crush with straight girl. I struck up conversation on myspace, haha, I really should try more often in person, but it never seems like there's an opportunity. But, seriously, where's a nice gay girl to focus my attention on? At least bi? Come onnnn.

For the past three nights I've had dreams all including a very cute straight girl. In two of them, she ignores me pretty much. Says things to me as an acquaintance would, casual, nonchalant. She asked me to get the pastel.

In real life, we're in the same art class. Bears resemblance to Alexis Bledel, president of the Environmental Club, plays basketball, a junior. Bluest eyes, it's hard to look straight at them. She's really very attractive. And seemingly, very straight. I've probably mentioned her before.

In real life, we barely talk. She probably doesn't even know my last name, and doesn't know anything else about my life besides that I can draw, I'm a lesbian, and I have trig [one time I overheard her say "I wish there was someone with trig in here" and I turned around and said "what do you need help with?" She let me borrow her homework and I let her borrow mine. She has sloppy writing. Mine is chicken scratch].

My first dream went splendidly. We kissed, and we dated. She worked as a security guard with another girl I know [who I think likes me ten times better because I'm gay] and for some reason they were stationed in my driveway. It's all hazy now, but I certainly remember kissing her. I was thrilled, and I guess days had gone by, and I was sitting with the other security guard [it wasn't cutestraightgirl's shift] wondering if I should text or call or anything.

Eventually we bumped into eachother and she agreed to be my girlfriend. The rest of the dream wasn't as exciting.

And then two more dreams after that, where I was willing to row across a lake to get pastel for her and the rest of the art class, and one where she wouldn't even say hi to me when she passed me, we were in eyeshot at all times, and she was wearing a bathing suit. Towards morning I kept waking up, going back to sleep, and I always wanted to fall back asleep so I could go talk to her.

Perhaps this is a crush.

I watched Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants yesterday with my mom. Sure a chick flick, but so hot when Alexis Bledel takes her shirt and pants off and jumps into ocean water. That's probably where the whole bathing suit thing came from in my dream.

And also:

My friends played [and got slaughtered at] wiffle ball. Our team name was Thor's Hammer. We tucked our shirts in, wore headbands and sunglasses, and one of my friends looked like one of the Dykes on Bikes. We at least looked like dykes.

and for a better idea of my haircut:
http://i39.photobucket.com/albums/e179/_photographica/oasis/icecreamcurl...

http://i39.photobucket.com/albums/e179/_photographica/oasis/icecreamcurl...

Before:

After:

I love it so much better short.

I lasted from 6am to 9pm. I slipped here and there in between, said "sorry" and "yes, no" a couple times, but I did it. It feels good to talk again.

Not talking makes me feel like I'm going to implode. Having something to say and either resorting to a notebook or forgetting about it all together is sort of frustrating. Maybe not frustrating but, I don't know, it's like I have to rush and just get it out.

I was not alone at my school, though. And I guess the school across town announced it. I went to GSA for a few weeks to get prepared and other students informed about DOS. Unfortunately, our GSA has not more than ten kids. But even people outside of GSA did it.

I was commended by other teachers and students for doing it. And I got the best tattoo painted on my arm by our Enivronmental Club [they were doing fundraiser stuff at lunch]. A heart with rainbow stripes.

Speaking of Enviro Club, the president and co-president are two of the hottest girls on campus. One has darling short short hair, with flawless sense of style. The other is in my art class, looks kind of like Alexis Bledel. I think she's absolutely adorable, always have. C and I like to look at them both.

Really, C and I have been a couple of horndogs lately. We often talk about the girls we would bang, and how we wish we could have them at that moment. It's kind of silly. Hormone enraged teenagers. We went to a softball game [in which my new interest was playing my school] and one girl we think is very very hot was on our school's team. Our eyes would go large when she would run, or move, or stand there, or be so that we check her out and she threw the ball around with other girls. I think the guy next to us was looking too.

She's coming over soon so we can watch the L Word and watch Dana and Alice have mad sex.