Sigh.
Something I've planned to do for over 2 years and I finally did it. It hurts for them for sure, but it also hurts for me that it had to happen. They're my family and I never wanted to hurt them, but this is me and they have to know. It's never a easy thing to do, and I had to do it over the phone since I'm not at home.

Basically like most parents would react, utter shock and denial. My mom kept repeating "No, she's just a good friend of yours. You don't mean it, it's not like that. No, this can't be...No you guys aren't in a relationship. You haven't dated that many people, you just haven't found the right guy. You can't just go for girls, you haven't seen enough guys out there yet. You're only 20, you don't know yourself, you're just confused. This is against nature! We're Christian! God didn't create you to be like this! OMG the world is coming to an end! It's people like you who makes the world end, it's against the state of order! Why! Why did you have to go break my heart? Why did you have to make me upset!?"

She threw so many words at me I just had to hang up on her. She called back in the afternoon, which was her morning in HK and started saying things like "I couldn't sleep, I'm so upset, so hurt, so disappointed, and I miss you, please don't be like this..."

I was also hurt by the words she threw at me. What could I do? Nothing. There is nothing to console her grief, because telling her is exactly like saying she lost a child. But in this sense, she lost the image she had of me.

(No mother, there isn't only black and white. There is also the in between. It so happens that the person I have chemistry right now is a girl, and nothing can change that. Yes, maybe in the future I'll be attracted to a guy. But right now the person is a woman whom I am leading a maturing relationship with, and we are falling pretty hard for each other. I never said my relationships are forever, but this is what's going on in my life right now. I am not confused of my identity, as bad as this sounds, that first kiss at 15 with a girl told me exactly who I was a second after it happened. I wish I could tell you this, but being Asian and Christian all at the same time, THIS kind of information would kill you even more.)

It was emotions she just couldn't pile together and expect me to give a good response to. I couldn't explain because she didn't give me a chance, finally I got in the shower and she called 6 times while I was in the shower. By the time I came out it had stopped ringing and my cell vibrated until it fell on the carpet.

She called back the next day and asked me if I was never going to talk to her again. (because there was a few times I hung up on her)
It was absolute role reversal at this point. She was acting like a 5 year old, and I was the adult. She said all these ridiculous words saying how I always felt like I was so perfect and righteous about everything I say, and how my "perfect morals" make me a perfect example. She just twisted all truths around.

While I was eating dinner just now my dad called. He got back from his business trip. He said my mom told him stuff, he didn't know the details but he had to call to ask me to clear it up. More or less he was in denial too, but he was rational and tried to give me advice about knowing people and just having "good friends" rather be in relationships. He's like "yea you can have a lot of good friends, like you know when you get married but you still have your best friend natalie, like your mom and auntie jeannie...and ablhalbha"....I tried to explain and he said he couldn't understand. I was crying like a friggin' waterfall...but in the end he said "no matter what it is, you are still who you are, and I still love you no matter what."

BALWERIJAG)@$%*@()$*%@)($%8

So yes....When I go home for Christmas....I will have to face more.

This is lame. There are so many things going on with the world, school, other people's life. Don't get me wrong, I still care for those....but yet, the only thing I can talk about and think about is her.
It's always her, her, oh her, it's her, here's her...HER. Everywhere.

She's got me pretty bad, and vice versa for her.
I think I need some duck tape to keep my mouth shut.

I'm still so young but I'm also hitting the next decade of my life. This calls for new beginnings.

A while I wrote an email to my 2 sisters, both older than me, who both know that I am bi, explaining that I will be coming out to my parents this Christmas.
I just got a birthday wish from my oldest sister. In the Birthday wish she included, "You know I always got your back. Will always support you and be there for you. You know what I'm talking about." I was so touched, I couldn't help but cry. Her acceptance of me and my choices made me so grateful and happy.

My friends had dinner with me on Sunday, though they were all so busy with school they made time and made sure I had fun.

The DJ I've been seeing has celebrated on Friday with me, took me out on the perfect date. She's coming over later after her gig to give me my present.

I think this is by far the best birthday yet. =)

I couldn't ask for a better Birthday date. =)

We celebrated my birthday early. She brought me to the best Japanese restaurant in town since she knew the chef there. I'm still drooling over the fish...*drools* She once said that if there was no one who wanted to watch HSM3 with me, that she would live through the torture. And she totally did HAHAHA. She lived through it, it wasn't that bad! I love how she was so spontaneous and said lets get some pinkberry yogurt afterward.
Time always passes by so fast when we're back at my apartment. In each other's comfort. We just lie around on my bed watching a movie. Then it hits 3am, the time when she decides whether to stay for the night or leave.

In the past I was always the one taking care of everyone around me. I was always in pain. I cared too much. I didn't know what happiness meant in my relationships, until now.
No smile lights up the room like yours, No music sounds better than laughter like yours, No embrace is warmer than yours, and No kisses melt my heart like yours.

No one makes me happier, than you.

"Let's Just Be - Miguel"
She already found a song that describes exactly how we are together. I guess it's cool being with a DJ? haha. We're both addicted to it.

This is so bad, I can't work properly, can't focus. She's the No. 1 distraction for everything in life right now. She can't get her mixes right because of the same reason.

On another note. I'm going to come out to my parents this Christmas when I go home. I can't bear living as....not myself when I'm back home. I'm so sick of holding a part of me against them. I'm really close to my parents, and as bad as it sounds for my sister, I'm my parents favorite child. Their expectations will definitely fall. Compared to my sisters I definitely didn't follow their bumpy roads, then all of a sudden they have to face this situation. Part of coming out is because I want my parents to know that their little girl is happier than ever, that there is someone who makes me happy. The other one is that I don't want to hide anymore. I've been hiding for 5 years, and have always tried telling them since I turned 18. I'm hitting 20 next Tuesday, I want the next decade of my life to move forward.

We broke so many records on "never have I done this for a person" list.

We're attached to the point it's not even cute anymore, it's becoming so intense. This is a whole new level I'm on in relationships, We miss each other when we're talking. We think about each other to the point where sleeping is almost impossible, and we won't go offline even when we're falling asleep on each other.
It's unbelievable the amount of time we spend talking on the phone, chatting on msn, or just seeing each other.
I've never had a relationship where attachment was so strong on both sides that being apart was unbearable.

we're both nervous of falling, yet it's happening and we're already too blind to see it coming.

We talked about insecurities. It so happens we both get nervous around each other, because we're both afraid of falling hard. She says she doesn't believe in forever, and I can understand that. Even I don't believe in forever, but I think I can see it coming. That we're both going to fall hard.

Her kisses melt me. They're sweet like candy.
I want more =)

we're starting to get quite attached to each other.
She came over last night and we watched 4 episodes of Dexter and Anchorman to lighten up the twisted tv show. By the time we were done it was 2am-ish and she ended up staying over though we both had to wake up early. she was talking to me online tired as hell, but she said it was all worth it. hehe.
We haven't kissed yet or anything. I don't know if it's because we're still shy about it, or we're just comfortable cuddling for now. I guess for now it feels like we don't have to. We're not pressuring each other to rush the relationship, that's the nice part.
It seems like such a pressure to do certain things once you get into a relationship. People start asking, but we're taking things at our pace and I like it that way. =)

We like cuddling =)
It's weird this time. Usually when a relationship starts I get all anxious, a little jolt in the heart, I don't know whether I move too fast or not, or I'm insecure about how the other person feels.
I'm so calm right now. It's probably because we made it really clear that we like each other, that we're taking our moves slowly, and we trust each other.
Usually it's so one sided, I'm always taking care of the other person, and looking out for them.
She makes me sink into her. She's that big hug from behind I was looking for.

We are shy idiots, the both of us. We didn't really make any big moves but the movie was great! I say, good choice by her. She lured me to give her a massage HAHA and I got one back too. (mainly because she tried to get me on the same couch as her. cute =) )
Well we've been having a playful banter about taking advantage of things. She supposed to take advantage of my massage skills and I take it on her delivery service for food since she's the one that drives.

After she sent me home, we were texting and she said "I'll try next time, but don't worry I won't do any of that corny shit like yawning then putting my arms around you."

So she's coming by my school to see me work in studio, awesomeeee. I can show her some cool stuff =D

So the first date was really chill with the DJ, just like we are with each other online. We took our dogs to the park and just let them loose, sat down and talked for a bit, just warming up to each other.
I have never talked to anyone for so long on the phone, online, texting...(in class hahaha)
I'm heading over to her place later to watch Horton Hears a Who...
can't waitttt =)

The DJ and I are going on a date later.
HAHAHA
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

excited *Squeals*

ourchart.com was where we met a month ago.
She plucked up the courage to send me a private message 3 weeks later.
I added her on MSN on Tuesday. We started chatting almost everyday.
I plucked up the courage and went to her DJ gig at a Club on Friday. Met her, said hi. She was busy so I didn't bother her afterwards.
She sent me an apology email saying how bad she felt, and that she was going to buy me a drink. She tried to find me after she was done but I was gone by then.
On Saturday we talked on MSN nonstop for 5 hours. Conversation ended for half of the day, and continued from 2 - 4am.

New people are refreshing, and addictive.
She's a DJ...that's so hot.

3rd year of Uni has come to a new level of hell. I don't even have time to run my errands, not bothered to write, not bothered to do anything. It's either I'm in the darkroom, class, studio, taking photos, and then I go straight home to do readings...then it's bed time by then.
And recently I've sniffed enough chemicals to kill 10 years off my life, big whoop.
Where did time go?! It's already mid-October?! What?? Ahhh, it feels like 4 months already passed, but only half the semesters done!

My life is as boring as a....what can I compare it to....rock?
Other than that time I decided to get a trashy bottle of champagne and more than a dozen bottle of coolers. Drank almost everything with my friend at her place. It's been such a hard few weeks. Even better, a bunch of us were at school on a Sunday night, and went for some real stiff drinks after that.

Yesterday I finally had time to shop a bit with my friend, same one that I drank with. Ahhh, it was weird. My friend was trying on clothes, and she came out with this...almost perfect outfit on her, slim flare jeans, and an amazing top (which I bought in the end)...and for a SPLIT second! I thought I had a crush on her hahaha, which is totally off because she would never be the type of girl I'd go for! Talk about clothing power!
While that shopping time lasted, I broke my bank account record with the most expensive purchase I've ever made in Vancouver. And I also got myself broke from buying it.
*must convince myself that I won't regret it! It's an amazing jacket!*
It really is though *sigh....* So in love....in love with clothes.

I just survived my first online course discussion with a my peers on "The woman's world". So far in uni this is the first online course I've ever taken.

I'm taking mandatory Humanities and Art History class, and both of them are based on female studies this year making me the ultimate feminist of this semester. By the end of it I'll know all the feminist artists, writers, maybe even photographers, and maybe I'll be part of the negatively stereotyped angry feminists.

It's not true, feminists are not like that. They are genuinely the sweetest people you will ever meet in your life. ( I almost wrote meat...big difference there!)