I wish this world was a safe enough place. A place where i could just yell back to people... "TO bad I'm QUEER!" I was walking my dog minding my own buisness. I was feelin great wearing my big sweats and my new comfy sweatshirt listening to "For the Night's I can't remember" By Hedley. These 3 guys from my school are biking towards me. I move over on the side walk because that's just what you do to be curtious and as they pass the one guy goes Luke (pointing to another) is single and started laughing and crap. They were obviously trying to make fun of me and stuff and it didn't bother me that much i just wanted to yell so bad "TO BAD I'M QUEER!!!!" but i knew doing so would be a really bad idea because these guys are nasty and mean. 3 of them and one of me. I'm pretty sure they'd win the fight and they would to. They have no problem beating up there own friends and random other people. I've seen them do it before.
So instead i just kept on walking and turned my music up louder and held my head up high.

This morning I went to kilometer club walked a couple kilometers then did co-op stuff then went to my school had music then physics and then walked home. Yes i walked home! It's a pretty good walk it's a couple kilometers. It was only hard cuz a bit ago I pulled a muscle in my leg and i keep bugging it when i walk long distance and wouldn't you know right when i started to really walk. (like other then across the street) It started to hurt and it didn't help the side was was uneven so i leaned away from it make it' hurt more because it's my longer leg. Hard to explain but now it hurts like hell. But it's almost a good kind of hurt.
My shoe is also beginning to wear through right at the ball (I think that's what it's called but the part right after the toes) and where the muscle/bone or whatever of my big toepoints out of the ball. But mostly just on my pulled muscle leg. So now i kind of have a sore where my big toe muscle begins. I think it's the muscle i dunno it's just the really big part of the ball of my foot under the big toe.
In a non obvious way i'm trying to make it known to the people close to me (grandma mom dad sister etc) that i'm trying to get healthy. I mention that i walk all the time how far i walk. Most have seen me eating fruits and veggies when i normally have pizza or some other food for me that isn't all that great.
I'm trying to decide on dinner. I'm thinking maybe some mixed veggies and some pasta. With Bananas and Strawberries for desert. I love strawberries with a passion. They are soo very very very yummy. I've gone through like two packs in the past few days.
I can't wait till my dad's garden starts growing because it has a strawberry patch that is coming in pretty well this year apparently then he'll plant tomatos, green peppers and i think he's already planted the carrots and i'm not sure about the beans. But it's such a great way to get fresh food. I totaly suggest to people who like fruits and veggies and such to plant stuff in the spring for the summer. Me n my mom have to plant our tomato and green peppers and onions this year again and i think garlic this year too. But we just moved in so we're still trying to find somewhere that will be good for planting. At our other house (my dads) the one side yard is the garden.
If my legs don't hurt later or if they hurt less then i'm gunna take my dog out for a bit of a walk later.

I've been inspired by postsecret
1. When i pee or poo.. i always close the window (if it's open) of the bathroom but i never care about closing the door.
2. I'm somewhat afraid of coming out to my dad not because he won't accept me but because i'll no longer have anything to complain about.
3. In my mind i feel like if only i was skinny my friend might love me back.
4. I always try to compete with everyone. I always want to be better then them.
5. Sometimes i feel that i only identify as queer because i love queer movies and literature so much (it's not tru... i love the vag.)
6. I fantasize about what people look naked- not just occasionaly but 5 or more times a day.

That is all for now.

So here's my update
Grease went off amazing, the cast parties were fun, it's done and it's kind of sad but i can't wait for the next play. Pit band is fun.
I'm trying to get healthy because i honestly can't remember what it feels like. Ever since i can remember i've been over weight well the first few years of grade school i wasn't (the pictures prove it). But ever since then i've been over weight or "big" and now it's a serious problem because i don't feel comfortable around people- even my friends and family. I just want to get to the point where i'm comfortable in my own body.
I've been walking as much as possible and eating healthy. I've started running a bit but i'm slowly running a bit more. Well today was my first day of running/jogging. Before i was speed walking/almost jogging. But today i was racing around with my step-sister in Kilometer club. Kilometer club is a club the school i co-op at has started and basically you walk or run around the track every lap you get a popsicle stick and then they collect them. They are trying to walk across canada. So they know it's soo many kilometers or miles and then they know each popsicle stick is soo much of a kilometer or mile. So it's kinda cool they kids are having a blast and alot of parents are out there too because parents or teachers just give them to a random kid to be counted up.
I had forgotten how great running felt. We were passing a ball back and forth as we walked then I sarted running ahead to throw it to her. It ended with us running to finish the lap first, then me chasing her mostly it was just little wind sprints so on thursday i want to try and run consistantly at a pace i could keep up for a lap or so.
My puppy is soo much happier then he used to be because i bring him out for walks at least 3 times a week now which he loves. Ever walk is different which makes it fun for me. I let him chose the direction's we turn or go for awhile and then i try and find a way back.
The other day we went down to the Marina which was pretty cool. I'd never been down there before once we got there we walked around for a bit then i sat on a bench and watched the water which was peaceful. Next time i'm gunna go out on one of the docks.
I'm trying to find some woods or paths or something different other then sidewalks for me and my dog to go nearby. I've never really walked around so the whole area is kind of new to me.
Thursday i plan on walking home from school. I can't do it tomorrow because i have music and if it takes to long i won't have time to get home and ready and such. Once i know how long it takes then i'll know which days i can and can't walk home and how long it takes etc.
Anyone heard or seen Ruby around lately. I have't even heard from her via MSN, here, facebook, text, phone, or myspace (we communicate in many ways.. me n ruby are tight lol).
I don't think i have to much more to update everyone on. That is all for now.

In T.V shows they always show women gardening in skirts (when women are gardening). I don't know many (any) females that wear skirts while gardening. Especially nice/fancy ones like they show on t.v.
Do any of you wear skirts while gardening? (minus the males)
I'm watching Criminal Minds and they shoed a lady gardening in a nice white skirt.

Has anyone ever pad attention to how many steps 10 000 is? You know how you have to get 10 000 or so steps per day god that's alot.
I went for a walk with my dog 15 or so blocks. The vertical blocks are approxiamtely 150-200 of my steps (i counted.. i was bored) and the horizontal ones are about 300ish. I have short strides therefore it ends up being more steps- my legs are really short.
Based on that
10 vertical= 2000ish steps
5 horizontal= 1500ish steps.
Total for 15 blocks- 3500 steps. 20 minutes.

I'm basically seeing how many blocks i can walk in a row without just wanting and needing to quit.. I'm not pushing myself yet too much just walking around out of boredom counting the blocks. I'm checking out how many blocks it is to my school and my goal is to eventually get up to walking that many i'll calculate how much time that is and so i can walk hom from school. And on inschool days i can walk to school. And next year i'll continue walking to school.
Eventually i hope to be able to run around alot.. I'm gunna start that soon but i'm not much of a runner/ jogger. And i don't know where any shows other then flip-flops and slip ons are.
Although i do walk around at school ALOT during class i get bored so i walk up and down the halls and at lunch everyone just walks around outside and stuff and around the halls.
This summer i hope to finally learn how to ride a bike or i wouldn't mind learning how to blade.
I also want to learn the guitar- which i've kinda started.
And i want to learn ASL... again. I knew it but it's been awhile so i figure it's time to refreshen it.

On other notes tomorrow is the day of silence and i'm not sure if im doing it. if i am it'll be the second half of the day because i have coop in which i have to speak and such so that is not an option to be quiet during.

I realize that I've been busy with co-op and pit band and haven't gotten to spend lunch hours with my friends all the time like I used to but obviously the time I try and spend with them isn't good enough or they just happy the way things are. For months my friends and I have been planning on going to Hooters. It was either gunna be Heather, Mitch or Kevin driving. It was going to be the four of us. We hadn't set a date but we knew it'd be the four of us. My friend Mia wanted nothing to do with it. Anytime we talked about it she went lalalalalala etc.
Well I found out today that Kevin, Heather, Mia, Char, and Sam went to Hooters last monday. Neither Mitch nor I were even invited or told about it. I just found it extremely rude of them and I"m extremely hurt. I feel like they just left me out without a second thought. It probably didn't cross there mind at any point that I wanted to go and we had planned on me going. And now there talking about some random outing when Heather get's her G2 and i have no clue what's going on and when i ask i don't get an answer.
I found out a lunch and i'm still extremely pissed off and hurt and it's been 12 hrs or so. I want to just drop it and forget about it but I just can't seem to do that.
I don't know how to bring it up to my friends and i feel by doing that they'll be like get over it, don't complain, too late, you were busy or whatever. The thing was my friend Kevin was at Play practice right before he went and we talked. It's not like he couldn't find me. And i know they all have and know my cellphone number. God i'm just soooo pissed off.
This weekend I actually know about some of the cast parties and Kevin's driving me to them so hopefully at one of them ( I know the second one there will be) but at least one of them will have Alki. I know drinking my problems away is no good. Mostly I'm looking forward to the party. Just forgetting everything and having some fun even though i'm not overally close with too many people in the cast but hey never too late to make new friends.
I need a night or two of throwing my hair back and saying FUCK
Fuck the world
Fuck school
Fuck co-op
Fuck finding a job
Fuck worrying about money
Fuck finding rides places
Fuck stupid drama
Fuck responsibility
Fuck being totaly confused about everything
Fuck hating myself
Fuck hating everyone
FUCK EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Throughout my childhood and even now Movies and books are my escape and maybe that shouldn't be. I've been giving this vision that things will work out, everyone has friends they can tell there secrets to, everyone is out going and has an easy time talking to people, making friends and everyone can forget there problems to have fun.
And even if right away they can't do those things by the end of the book or movie they've learned how. I'm always waiting. Even when i've had confidence i just don't seem to be able to make new friends or talk to people without feeling rejected.
ARGHHH
I"m going to bed.

I love Hallmark movies lol they are so sappy, cute, and corny. They are great. I love the commercials they play during the movie's to. All based around the cards and there just so sentimental, funny anf cute.

This one is about deaf people it's called Sweet Nothing in My Ear. It has Marlee Matlin in it. She is also in The L Word and I find her completely and utterly hott.
She's actually very talented and has been in soo many things. I think she's probably one of the most famous deaf people of the 20th/21st century.
She's been in Law and Order SVU, The L Word, CSI NY, The West Wing and sooo much more.
I knew ASL or sign language at one point. Not a lot but some. It's something that i'd really like to learn again so i might this summer or before then as something to do for fun. It's also something good to put on your resume or just say you now how to do.

I also really want to learn guitar... but that's a different journal.

So the first show was tonight. It was done and over and i was home in 2 hours. There were a few problems in which people didn't get dressed fast enough, didn't put on shoes when it was critical to their lines, dindn't grab props they were suppose to etc.
THe band did better then we've ever done before. Our conductor said we didn't deserve to be that good.. cuz we don't practice nearly enough etc.

The play opens tomorrow night! We had an all day rehearsal today 6hrs of nothin but Gease with a 20 minute pizza break. We got through it 2 times. And we went through a bunch of the scenes more then twice. We're also still trying to get the mics and stuff to work.... we have like 15ish including handheld, stage ones, one for the piano and portable/clip on ones and we're trying to get two more clip on/portable ones cuz theres still not enough for everyone who needs them.
What's really sad is there may not be a cast party. No one can get there parents to okay one or has enough space for 40 + people. If i lived at my old house i'd have one there but my new house no room. My dad's house (aka my old house) is big and theres space i'd ask him but he's an asshole at times and would complain the whole time and would want it done by 11 so thats only a two hour party... which totaly wouldn't work.

Either tonight or next thursday i have to go to my friends play he's working back stage but he wants me to see it so me n my mom are gunna go... probably next thursday cuz tonight is the opening night but i'm unsure cuz next thursday i have to go to band. I don't know. I may not end up seeing it i'll have to see i'm just sooo busy but i'll feel bad if i don't.
I also have 3 resumes to drop off at a party place, subway and the local community centre. I'm determined to find a job so i don't have to babysit or work at a summer camp all summer. I want something somewhat flexible like i can take a day or two off (or just not work them) so i can go on a road trip or friends. I'm still a teen. This is when im suppose to be enjoyin life and having a blast. But at the same time I have to find a job and do all this crap cuz that's what has to be done. If i want a new clarinet for university auditions and for uni, if i want more ten a pair of jeans and a couple tops for the new school year i'll have to get a job. My mom pays for some stuff but i don't want her to nor can i expect her to pay for everything.

So lately i havent been feeling as stressed. I think it was the initial just all the sudden im busy and going crazy out of my mindness. I still tutor 2 people one is 9 (in grade 4) - 1 time a week for 1 hour. The other is 21 (almost 22) working on getting her grade 9 math credit she never got. She has a learning disability and can't read I work with her once a week for 2 hours. Not at all this week she's sending the first unit off to get marked... then she gets it back and 3 units to do... I don't think we'll be able to get it all done by june (3 units each has 5 lessons) and have her ready for the test... she's way behind- she didn't start things right away so we might have to bump it up to 2 times a week for two hours. I don't know. It's up to her and what she can afford and such- she has to pay for everything herself (groceries, tutoring etc) as part of some rules or something that goes along with her having the disability and i think getting disability (like money) although she does work and volunteer.
I'm also doing pit band still. I have pit band every night this week. Our first show is on friday followed by shows on saturday and sunday, Day shows on wednesday and thursday and night shows on friday and saturday. Then we're done. (I think)
My co-op is going spleendid, although it's getting slightly boring because we have two student teachers in the room (both full time) and there teaching right now so i can't pull kids out of class and tutor them since they need to be there for the lessons.
School is going pretty good. I have music and physics. Music is easy but hard. Im good at it but he expects so much more out of me then everyone else which makes it hard. Physics i have an 88 in.. i think i have the highest marks of the girls... a lot of the guys in the class are really smart one has a 99.
I watched Alvin and the Chipmunks yesterday.. I loved it. Ruby i shoulda listened to you and watched it sooner.
I bought it today and mr. magorium's wonder imporium (sp?)
I really want to see Nim's Island.
The job i applied for last weekend went no where. They said to come back yesterday and i did and they were like we've already hired too people. Im like wtf you just wasted my time... but i didn't instead i was like, well you have my resume and if a position opens up i'd reallly like you to consider me. It was at a pool place so it would been seasonal anyway.
Tomorrow im applying at a party place, and on weds maybe tuesday i'm going to apply at the local (new) complex that's behind my school it's a swiming, ice pad type place. They're hiring a bunch of positions only two am i going to appy for one which is little kid programs the other a desk position.
Friday i read the book Wide Awake it was good. I had a P.A day and was babysitting so i had nothing to do but read, the kids amuse themselves. We went outside since i was nice and we jumped rope until it rain.
Yesterday i tutored, (after going to the pool place) went to my grandmas, and grocery shopping, and i also went to my dads where i ate dinner and watched Alvin.

FUCK! I was writing this really long journal entry and it dissappears. FUCK!
Okay so I've decided to try and write one of those long journal entries that everyone else writes that my attention span is never long enough to read every word from.
I'm trying to figure out what to drop from my scheduale. I'm way too busy and I'm getting very very stressed and am starting to have panic and anxiety attacks alot. I can't sleep and i'm either eating too much- binging, or not eating at all.
So heres my scheduale
Monday- 8am Leave for Co-op. 11:05 Back at School for classes. 3 Back Home. Monday is my easiest day. I've tried moving things from my busy days onto it but it doesn't work out.
Tuesday- 715am Leave for School Concert Band. 8 Leave Band go to Co-op. 10:50 go back to school for lunch meetings. 11:05 attend classes. 3 at home. 3:10 Leave for music lessons. 545 Go to dad's for quick dinner. 615 off to my first tutor student. Home by 8.
Wednesday- 8am Leave for Co-op. 11:05 Back at school. At pit band until 4:30-5. Home for a bite to eat. My other tutor student. Back home at 9.
Thursday- 715 Concert Band. 8 leave school for co-op. 1105 back to school for class. Pit band until 430-5. Dinner at home. Then off to adult concert band until 10.
Friday- 8am co-op. 1105 School. Then normally something with my friends, getting caught up on homework etc.
Every morning before i leave i shower get dressed get stuff ready for the day etc. At night I try and do homework, practice my music catch up on my internet goings on, pay attention to my dog and mom and plan rides for upcomming needs.
On Sundays i'm trying to get back in the habit of going to church. Also starting this Sunday I have Pit band for 6 hours. I also have random Pistons games scheduale throughout the weeks. Which means I can't do anything that night. And coming soon I have Shock. I've given up some of my Piston's games but it's something I enjoy that lets me relax for a change. My dad is also bugging me to get a part time job. Like occasionaly babysitting and tutoring 2-4 times a week isn't enough for him. So i'm trying to find one. I also have to take drivers ed soon.
I just don't see anything I can drop maybe school concert band but that's first thing in the morning so that doesn't make my nights easier and music lessons my mom said I should cancel them for awhile just to get my feet back on the ground but I'm thinking maybe just clarinet because it's more expensive and it continues during the summer where Piano does not and i'm pretty far on clarinet if i really wanted I could continue from here on out on my own but I don't want to and there's always more I can learn.

I just don't know what to do. My only other option is to get on some kind of drug. Like even before i got this busy i was having panic and anxiety attacks.
I also have a ton of shit going on with my dad. He's Gf is suppose to be moving in (it's been in the works for almost 2 years now) and he just hasn't been working on it. He says he has to fix stuff around the house before her and the kids can move in but honestly! Come on... I never know what to say to anyone about her the kids or my dad. How do you explain a 47 yr old man living in a 4 bedroom 4 bathroom house... alone. And he's barely ever home. He's also dating a 40 yr old who has 3 kids. All with problems.... I don't understand it. He hasn't even told his mother he's dating this women. They've been dating for SEVERAL years now. I just hate it. I hate hiding things from my grandma.. Honestly she's become one of my best friends. She doesn't know i'm gay and neither does my father or his gf but they are all pretty homophobic so i'd rather just wait it out.
My dad's girlfriend is constantly emailing me to complain and then ask me about her kids and stuff. Her daughter talks to be on a daily basis and confides in me and i actually understand her unlike her mother so her mom is always trying to figure her out and asking me questions about it.

My mom had this bump on her back for like a couple years. The doctor said it was nothing and to just leave it. Well about 3 weeks ago it started to bruise. Then it popped and it was bloody and shit. Then she had minor surgery to fix it and she's been in and out of the clinic almost everyday. She's also trying to get and move my sister into an apartment it's either that or my sis is coming home this weekend because she's done exams so she has 24 hrs to leave her dorm room.

It's just soo stressful. I'm always looking for rides to here there and the other place. It's not like theres public transit in my city. Well there are about 4 buses or so and they don't go into the county so I'd be screwed anyway. Because I live out in the county.
I'm over due for a dentist appointment but we can't even find a date to go that works with the dentist and us. Luckily my dog got into the vets today he was about 16 days overdue for his yearly shots. I'm always worrying about him. He's my baby so at least if im not healthy or feeling right or need to go to the doctor or dentists i like to make sure he has everything up to date.

I always feel bad asking my mom for rides especially lately because she works full time plus she's been in and out of the clinic lately and dealing with my sister, she does almost everything around the house plus drives me around. I realize she's a mom and many moms do this without a problem. But I should help out more and I just don't. Easy answer to that problem- help out no excuses. Maybe this weekend (Saturday- Only day Im free) I'll clean the house and do all that kind of stuff while she's up in the big T.O.

University is also coming very fast which is scary. But i'm stoaked. Maybe a change of sceneray will be good for me but it's not for another year. But I can look ahead and be excited.
I think this is long enough. I'm out of stuff to say. For now.

I know I'm young and sometimes you just have to wait for things like the right person but damn it's soo fucking hard!
My friend just talked to me on the phone. She's all giddy and happy. She's found yet another girl she's head over heals in love with. Her relationships tend to actually last a couple months. I don't necessarily want the relationship that lasts my entire life right now. Just one for a couple months. I want a relationship that when i hear a song it reminds me of them. Where I'm all giddy and happy thinking about them. Someone i can hug and kiss who isn't my mother. I just want someone I love who loves me or at least like alot. That i can talk to and share things with. Who i can be myself with and i don't have to worry about the way i look because i know they like me for the way i am.

I love my friend but know that me n her will never happen. I pretend i don't want it to happen but i think everyone knows i do want it to happen. But she's made it clear i repulse her for anything other then a friend.

It's time when i start thinking about finding someone or how others see me that i fight not to go puke in the toilet. I haven't yet but I feel soo horrible and i feel like if i were only skinny everything in my life would be much better. Then my stomach gets this horrible feeling inside of it. My brain then tells me that if i don't do something soon something bad will happen. It's hard to explain. I realise i do have a weight problem and a horrible problem with food. I go for days without eating, or I'll skip all meal but one. Other times i eat and i eat and i never feel full or i do and i keep eating. My sister is dealing with her own problms she doesn't care. My mom is too busy taking care of other things to really notice and i already feel like too much of a burden. And my friends well there skinny. They make all these comments about being fat or how they can't eat a certain amount (like a 6 inch sub or something) and i go... i can eat like 9 inches of a sub. It's hard to talk to them because seceretly in my head i'm going... i weigh more then both of you. I'm huge so what do you really think of me.. do you just lie to me or?? do you even like me.

I'm just really confused right now and feeling really bad. I can't really express any of this in a way most people can understand but I've tried. It helps to get stuff out there more then anything else.

Last night as i said in my last journal entry i picked out a book to read and i'm finished! I read the God Box by Alex Sanchez. I think it's an amazing book. I haven't felt like this after reading a book in a long time (although Hero earlier in the month gave me a similar feeling but not as great).
The book honestly restored some of my faith in God and Jesus. Being gay i always felt that why believe in a religion if it doesn't believe in me but the God Box kind of showed me that it's how you interpret what is in the Bible and that yes you can be Gay and have religion....
It's super fantastic.... read it!

I just realized that that last post was the first in a long time i could talk about a movie or a book without Jeff saying something about a book or movie i needed to review... It felt good! (No offence Jeff....) I'm just glad that i have no over due reviews or anything of the sort... although i like to review... just no so good when i take to long to do them.
I think i may see if i have a book on my queer shelf that i haven't read yet.