My graduation was last night...i'm finally done! It mainly made me realize for the hundreth time just what jackasses 90% of my class are...Oh well...I'm out of there...

I'm 18 today...I don't know if I just expected more or if this birthday just means more than all the rest...But I feel like crying. I'm dissapointed maybe...I don't know...

So I'm writing two papers for school on gay marriage. Pretty much all of the reading I've done is so full of holes that I could use it as a screen for a window...I'm getting frustrated with unlogical arguments. But anyways...

I have a question for all you beautiful Oasians out there: For or Against? I went through a faze where I was against gay marriage or marriage in general, just because it seems that everybody ends up miserable. Any oppinions out there??

Did you ever notice that baby products, like gift sets, smell like a baby already?

I feel like we're crumbling. Like no matter which way I step, it's in the wrong direction. I've lived without you and I'm not sure I can survive like that again. Please don't make me have to find out. I'm so confused, but mostly, I'm just hurt. I don't understand some of the things you say. They cut so deep, but are always healed with a kiss and an I love you. I've got all these pictures in my head, of who you could be, if you weren't with me. I hate to seem so weepy, but this hurts.

You know how when you're a kid, and you're getting a shot, you look in the opposit direction. This is a never ending shot. But instead of having the nice distracting nurse, you've got Bertha who uses your upper arm as a dart board. Anything to make it as painful as possible.

We've got all these dreams, and I can't help but feel like if only we could get to them now, things would be okay. I feel so off balance. There are things in my life that just aren't conducive...Something has to go...

I love you....

I'm watching her from across the computer terminals. Her who? HER. I find myself staring until she looks up and then smiling and looking away. It's amazing the way her pink hair faded to this orange...Funny how it feels like flirting and all I'm doing is looking at her. I love how she smiles when she catches me staring. And then I smile when I catch her staring. I like how I smile so huge when she looks over at me and we lock eyes. Each glance saying more than the last. I wonder what she's listening to. If she is looking at her fingers or the screen when she types. I wonder if she knows that I stare simply because there is no other option. Her beauty is subtle, but breath taking. I'm missing her hand in mine, that reasuring pressence. I wonder what she's thinking. Does she know that every song I hear seems to quietly hint to her existence in my life...I love this girl so much and it seems like we're flirting for the first time again...She's touching her face and I'm remembering all the times those hands have touched me...She glances over as if to make sure that I'm truly here.
♥

I am getting married. I haven't asked her yet, not officially...down on one knee with a ring in my hand, but...we've talked about it...and we're planning and i've found a dress...and I'm...excited...thrilled...over joyed...in the process of finding bridesmaids.... :]
♥

I will protect you. I will hide my weaknesses from you so that you believe I really am all you think I am. I'll tell people off for you. I'll defend you and never second guess it. I'll start fights for you, I'll lose friends.

I won't be able to explain just what makes you so special, but I'll stay under your spell for all of my days. I'll day dream about our wedding, my white dress with the red sash and saying I do in the snow. I'll make lists of names for the children that we dream about filling our lives with. I will, and do want nothing more than to spend my days with you and feel the rhythm of your soul wash over me during our nights...I'll remember how solid you feel in my arms when waves roll through my body and I'm completely out of control, except I'm holding tight to you.

I'll forget my words and things I said I would do, little promises I made. But I'll remember sparkling cider under the stars and the very first I love you. I'll write you 'honey-do' lists and romantic e-mails and naughty text messages. I'll trace hearts and stars in soap bubbles and write my name with your last name attached in fogged over mirrors and dusty shelves. I'll cook if you do the dishes, maybe in twenty or thirty years, I'll be able to flip eggs with some degree of expertise. I'll forgive you for not liking ketchup if you don't try to make me eat tomatoes.

I'll fix you hangover remedies if you hold my hair back when I get morning sickness. I'll tell you bad cannible jokes if you'll smile and laugh and hug me a little tighter. I'll take midnight showers with you where our souls intertwine and with our eyes closed, we see everything for the first time, just don't leave me alone in the dark again. I'll light candles and open the windows to the sound of the rain when we make love after especially long days. I'll never know whats going to happen next, only that your hand is in mine, so we'll be alright.

I'll learn how to ride a horse, if only to make you happy. But when I fall off and break my arm, you better hold my hand the entire way to the hospital. I'll have your children, but you get dibbs on stinky diapers. I'll go camping if promise to kill every bug that enters our home.

I'll get along with your mother, only because I want her at our wedding. I'll learn how to save my money, because you sounded so excited about all the places we could go.

I'll probably never mow the lawn, or be able to change the oil in a car or lose my childish side. But I'll love you until I stop breathing and I will give you the world if only you ask. I love you...

Sometimes I feel so small. You hurt. Because of something I did. I pushed her into your arms and then, when I took her from you, I hurt you...Your name from her lips used to break my heart. So you're in love with my girlfriend. By her loving me, you hurt. She loves me because I wouldn't let her go. She hurts because you hurt and I hurt because she hurts. What kind of sick mind fuck are we entangled in now? Thank you for refusing to act upon it. But for thinking, even for a moment, that you could ruin this for us...well...I'd say that you're delusional. I'm sorry, but you will have other loves, better loves, stronger loves. She. Is. Mine. And if that sounds possesive...it is. Don't worry...I still think you're amusing... :]
♥

I think I'm jealous...I have no right to be...But you always said that I was your first everything...First real kiss included...And I guess...maybe I feel like you lied...I know I can't compete. You loved her first...But what can I do but sit here and watch you hurt and not know how to change it? She was so amazing and I know that I can never measure up, and I don't expect to...But how can I compete with somebody who haunts you so amazingly...A living, breathing human...I might be fine...but...What can I do? I can see the depth of love and somehow, I just feel inadiquet...Maybe I want to be loved like that...I'm not sure...But I want you to be able to talk to me...so how can I tell you to stop talking, when you tell me so little...I hurt now...
no ♥

Food tastes better at Shelby's...How strange...

Everybody keeps telling me that we're so cute together...It's kind of funny...I mean, usually people make comments on new couples...Not people who have basically been orbiting around each other for a year...

I miss my lover...I was attempting to take a nap earlier...And I let my mind kind of wander and I thought about all the things that I'm looking forward to in our relationship...Prom and about a zillion other things...I ended up thinking about the conversation that I'd have with her dad...asking him if he would give his blessing for me to ask Shelby to marry me...I mean...It's years down the road...But it was a nice day dream...I dunno...We cuddled on her bed today and didn't spring apart like we usually do...It nice not to have to hide around him...I mean, I know that he's watching, that much is obvious...and we haven't exactly told anybody that we were dating again...But I'd say we're pretty transparent...And I held her hand...OBVIOUSLY in the car on the way to the library...It's a step in the right direction if nothing else. I LOVE THAT GIRL...

♥

Tomorrow, will be amazing...If it is the last thing I do...I promise...I love you...

As you might have guessed, I'm AWAKE...I'm not sure why...But I am...I mean...I always have to get up and go to school...But I woke up at 4 am and then my brain went on over drive and I couldn't stop thinking or fall back asleep...so I called Shelby and woke her up :] So now she's about to fall over dead from lack of sleep...My body likes no sleep...Well, not really, but oh well...Oh man, now I'm thinking the punctuation in my sentences...Oh dear... Well...School calls and I want to see my lover and...WOOOOOOO....Okay so I've hit that hyper stage of not enough sleep...BYE!
♥ *waves*

I'm in the process of writing a paper for one of my english classes. We have to describe a place thats familiar to us, but we can't use "you, my, me, your" etc...This is only my very beggining...
- - -
It’s 5 am. There are no cars on the road at this hour. The stars hold court in the sky, but it is the moon that rules over the world at this time of night. The sun won’t be up for several more hours. The possibilities are endless.
A group of girls, eight or ten maybe, stand huddled under the only street lamp, talking quietly, if at all, too cold and tired to be enthusiastic. It’s clear that they are here due to some unseen, inner force. Not even the lure of extra sleep before their often too long days is enough to keep them from this building.
- - -
Two paragraphs, yep...out of the 2-3 pages I have to write...My lover is such a sweet distraction...So I've been watching my way through the 2nd season of the L Word...I love that show...I always have *happy sigh* I miss my lover...
♥

So I'm sitting in the library...Bored...wishing my mother would hurry up so that we can leave. I want to see my girlfriend, but short of a miracle, i doubt that it's gunna happen today, or even tomorrow....We've been fighting a lot...I want her to back off and let me handle my own life, but she says that she would love to, but I don't take care of anything. I don't think that anything is going to change, even when I do turn 18. She will always need to voice her oppinion loud and clear, even when I don't need/want/ask for her help...It leaves me in the possition, where I have no choice but to move out...She's pushing me away by not letting me have some space and take care of my own life. And it's not like I don't handle my issues. If I have problems, or there are things I need to get done, for school or work, I take care of it...She doesn't think I'm capable because I don't tell her about it, I just take care of it. I can't show her that I can handle my life without in involing her, and involving her even in the slightest, just traps me into having hear her oppinion...I'm trapt...

I remember seeing her in another girl’s arms. That night almost killed me. I spent half of the stupid movie night for my school’s GSA out in the hallway, praying I wouldn’t break down. I panicked with the best of them, and then later that night I did. I thought there was no possible way that she could look that content and still love me…

And then she was crawling through my window and I was pinching myself in places she couldn’t see, trying to convince myself that this was real. And it was and it is.

I’ve been unhappy lately. Everything seems like a constant struggle. Not just to continue, but to thrive. Because what good is a life if you do not succeed? I suppose you could say that I am tired of hiding. Or you could say that I simply want more than what I’ve got. It’s not that I want acceptance. It’s that I am tired of double standards. I want to be able to hold her hand and kiss her while standing in my kitchen. And the days are just flying by until I can. Can what? Because it’s not like my 18th birthday will change the previous 18 years. My parents will not suddenly wake up and realize that when I came out at 13, I meant it.

I’ve got this urge, I just want to walk into my living room, ask my father if we can talk, and just sit down and for once in our stupid, stubborn, angry lives, identify with each other. I want to tell him how tired I am of having to hide. How important to me she is. How much it breaks my heart for my mother to constantly try to stop me from seeing her. That I love her. And that without her, I’m an even bigger mess than I already seem to be. But I’m not sure how to say anything close to those words. I can’t even think about it without tearing up. It’s not that I’ve got regrets. It’s that I…I want him to understand…desperately.

And now my tears are falling and I can hear her on the phone asking me if I’m okay…And I am. I just…I want the singular parts of our lives to join. I want what I can’t have yet. I want to begin my life and stop feeling trapped by my adolescence. I want to spend weekday mornings in her arms, while the midday sun pours through the windows. I want to marry this girl, and I want to raise babies by her side. I want our dreams, and even then, I know that dreams don’t come true and that nothing is perfect. For once I am willing to branch off of a set plan and embrace the flaws that seem to coincide with life. I want all the possibilities that our lives can hold, if only we give it a chance.

♥