Yesterday I went to the LGBT Youth Center nearby, and I had an awesome time! There were a lot of kids, and most of them were very friendly. I have to admit right now, I have a very weak gaydar. I couldn't tell which ones were which. Ok, that's a lie, I could tell from the OBVIOUS ones, but not the ones that are just normal people, like me. I think the whole LBGT act is stereotypical, because at this center, I could only tell from 60% of the people that were there. It allows regular teens to go there too, so then I was totally confused. In any case, it was so much fun! It was movie night, so we watched the 007: Casino Royale movie. The funniest part was when one ofthe guys said, "He is such a hottie," then his friends said, "He's like 50! What's wrong with you?!?" LOL, it was the funniest thing said that night.

It was more of a hang out crib than a center for kids to talk, but I still had fun anyway. Even though I was kind of a wall flower, I am an extremely shy person. I beat everybody in pool, except this one really good latino. He played a mean game of pool!

I'm glowing with happiness, it was more fun than hanging out with my regular friends! My siblings wonder why I'm so chipper today, it's funny, because they didn't know I went, nor do they know that I'm transgender.

I smoked weed the whole day for all they know. And I did. (APRILSFOOLSAHHAHA)

C:\\ <<<-Signing off->>>
Data transmitting...
...
Sleep mode engaged...
Powering off...
*bwip*

It's been a long time since I've made a journal entry. It's nice to come back to this site to talk to all of you nice people. I have been dwelling so much on my lonliness that I have been depressing myself. I'm coming out of it though. I also found a couple of trans people who live near me! It's incredible! Utah is just about the worst state to live in the US if you aren't straight or compliant with your biological gender.

I have been growing my hair long for almost 7 months now. It didn't look too great a month ago, but now it's looking sexy. On thursday I am going to get it straightened. I have way curly + wavy hair, and it actually bothers me. Then I'm going to check the nearby GLBT center to see when their next meeting is. I haven't been there yet, and I really want to go. I'm going to go take a nap with my little doggy, I fell ill today. Must have contracted it from my sick little sister. Poor thing, she's been coughing for days now. Does anybody have advice on how to come out to your family? I've only told my parents for safety reasons, I know they can keep a secret. I just don't know how my cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, brothers and sisters will react, and I'm not sure I want that kind of attention right now.

Hasta luego.

I am just entirely depressed. I've been thinking wayyyy too much about my gender identity, and it's giving me ulcers. The problem is that I can't stop, and I want some peace of mind. My mom has been trying to be helpful, but she forgets every stinking time she tells me she'll spend time with me to figure it all out. I'm so depressed, that I'm actually laughing. Everything I hear or see is funny, and nothing makes sense. I even planned my suicide over the weekend. I'm sick, I went to the ER for the first time last thursday, and they don't even know what's wrong with me. I have to go see a "specialist" on my digestive tract, because I keep having persistant problems. I'm behind on homework from all the classes I've missed. I couldn't go on vacation with my family because I was sick and had to make up work. I am just sick of life. Then why can't I end it? Even thinking about it makes me sad and more sick. What can cheer me up? I saw some cute pictures of Link on deviantArt, that cheered me up a little. Then my brother called me gay, because the pictures were cute anime pictures of Link. He doesn't know how close he nearly struck me. Now I'm more depressed. I should stop typing this, it's making me realize how sad and stupid I really am.

Anyway, ideas to help cheer me up would be appreciated. Thanks in advance. :|

This is my first poem... I think ever. It sounds more like a riddle. I don't know how to construct poems very well, but I can rhyme, so here it goes:

I look in the mirror, I see what you see
But what I can see is inside of me
That part I can see is invisible to you
Though you would never guess unless I gave you a clue.

My actions and thoughts are not the same
My actions are false, and bring my thoughts much shame
You see my actions and think that is me
Each one is a lie, it's just what you see.

You will know me once we first meet
Your eyes have tricked you with clever deceit
There's more to this person than you could have guessed
Would it have been easier if I were cross-dressed?

(And there's my pitiful attempt at humor.^^)

Thoughts of the day:
My day was boring, so I had to be creative SOMEWHERE. My manager wouldn't even let me draw to pass the time. It was empty at Gamestop today. I bought Full Metal Alchemist: Conqueror of Shambala on DVD and watched it with my brother. That was about the only fun thing I did. Is it odd that I compare myself to women? What am I saying, yes!
Peace out.

Well, I guess it wasn't meant to be. I was supposed to go to my first GLBT group today, but apparently I got the dates mixed up, so I'll have to try again in a couple of weeks.

I am also bored, and in inspiration of lost_in_wonderland, I will also tell you all random facts about me.

-I'm 5' 10"-ish
-I'm still uncertain of my own sexuality
- " " of my own gender
-I play video games more than most people sleep
-That last fact hurts me a little bit
-I procrastinate... often
-I don't know what is planned for my life
-My heart is torn between two of the sweetest people (girls) that I've ever known
-I lie every day, and not just when I sleep
-Most of my lies are cover ups, meaning that the lies are declarations I make to keep people from being suspicious of me being... transgender.
-I've had in-grown toenail surgery 3 times on both of my big toes, and they are still screwed up. Plus they're square now instead of the normal oval shape.
-My feet are ugly
-I just noticed that last fact
-Unfortunately, I am just about the hairiest kid I know.
-I wish I could get electrolysis or something to get rid of my body hair
-I do guy things but think girl things
-I like my mom more than my dad
-I blabbed to my brother that Santa didn't exist
-I have 1 adopted sister from Taiwan
-Secretly, I don't like her much
-I've exhausted myself, and am heading to bed
G'night!

Small journal entry tonight, I'm tired:

I'm a little nervous. This is the week I go to my first GLBT group. It's on Saturday in a city near me. I hope there are other teens just like me, and not a bunch of adults that I can't relate to. I wonder what I should wear, what I should say, what I should bring...

Ahh I can't contain myself! I'm excited! Wish me luck.

I've never really asked myself this question before. My parents tell me I'm antisocial all of the time, but I always ignore them. To explain, let me just say that the only friends I have are the ones in my neighborhood. I think it comes to only... 5 friends. Why is that? I'm acquainted with a lot of people, but none of them are actually my friends, nor would I consider them such. Then again, I AM acquainted with a lot of people, why aren't they my friends? Do I offend? Am I annoying? Is it the way I look or dress? Could it be that my inside reflects on my outside without me knowing it? This kind of makes me feel ashamed of myself, and incredibley embarassed.

What to do... what to do... I'm too self-loathing when I don't feel good, maybe I should just sleep.

Ever since I realized I was transgender, I have been trying to recount all of my old memories that may be linked to why I am who I am. When I was in elementary school, I would always hang out with my friends, like playing football, and doing normal things that a boy would do. I also remember hanging out with the girls sometimes, usually after I got teased by the other guys. I was quite an emotional kid, so whenever I got hurt at all, I couldn't help but cry. None of the other guys did this, so they never wasted the chance to pick on me for it. When I went to play with the girls, they would always let me play. None of them laughed at me when I cried, they always comforted me. I even learned how to play their games, and never rejected the request to join them. Maybe that's why I find female oriented things to be comforting to me.

When I got into the 6th grade, my parents thought it would be wise to stick me into a private school, because they "knew" I was such a smart kid. Well, as it turns out, I nearly flunked in that school, but it was so small, that my entire 6th grade population consisted of only about 16 or less students. I made great friends with them, even though I was a bit rude sometimes, and even mean. (This was because they all knew what sarcasm was, and I didn't, so I always lashed out when they teased me). This was also the first time I personally made friends with any girls. That was easy in this class, because there were only 3 or 4 of them. There was one girl in 7th grade that I reallllly like, and we still talk today. But again, whenever I got teased by the other guys, I found that hanging out with the girls was comforting, and very familiar.

Well, because private school didn't go so well, I got shoved back into public school, and my 8th year flew by. I can hardly remember a thing about it. Then, again, my parents wanted me to get a better education. So I got transferred to a school far away from my city and friends, and I had a terrible 9th year, except for the 3 girls in my carpool. They were all from where I lived, and I couldn't drive yet, so I rode with them to school and back. We talked about so many things, and I learned so much from them. It was sad when I decided to tell my parents that I wanted to go back to public school. Those girls really helped me out.

This was also the year I found out I was transgender. What I have left out until now is that since elementary school, I crossdressed in my mom's clothing. At first, it was just the bra, then the underwear, and after that, I couldn't help but try on dresses and makeup. It probably sounds silly, but don't think that any of it was for sexual purpose. I felt comfortable in the clothing, and I also desperately wanted (and still want) to be and look female. I don't know why, but one night, I felt so guilty about the secret I was hiding, that I had to tell my parents. Somehow, I don't know how I did it, but I gathered the courage to tell my parents that I was transgender. (I haven't ever even asked somebody on a date before, how did I do this?). I cried instantly after, and I dove right into my mom's arms and hugged her tight. My parents didn't say anything for a while. Then they said that they were glad I told them, they loved me, and that they would talk to me about it later in private (because it was really late, and we didn't want my siblings to find out either).

They got me to a therapist afterward to help me release my feelings, but I have yet to see a specialist to help me figure out how to transition.

Even though this was a long story, believe it or not, but this was the short version. I'm on this site in private, and my family will be arriving shortly. I will edit in more details later. Thanks for reading, and really, this is just a log I am keeping of my memories so I don't forget. You are all free to read it, and questions and comments are ok as well.

This is my first journal entry on this site, and I wanted to write about my doubts and fears. I feel that I was supposed to be born a girl, but I have so many thoughts and questions that cloud my mind, I don't know what to do. I've already told my parents about this, but they seem to be distant. To start my first thought, what if I were to live the rest of my life as a female? Well, I wouldn't really be a female after all, right? I wouldn't be able to have children of my own, and I may end up being hated for the rest of my life, but I'll be content inside. Isn't that what I really want, happiness? But what if I were to live the rest of my life the way that I am? Would it be so bad? If I transition, I may never be able to get my life back on track. The way my life is going now is almost perfect. I have great grades, I'm healthy, and I have my whole life ahead of me. Would transitioning make my life better or far worse than it is? I can't even seem to talk privately to my therapist about all of this, because I am so afraid of what my future has in store for me. I'm also very afraid of what people think of me, and I do know that transsexuals have a higher rate of death than homosexuals and other gender related or sexually different people. However, I can't help but feel courage when I hear the story of a successful transsexual. Go to youtube.com and type transsexual in the search list, ignore the sexually explicit videos, and find the heart filled videos of other transsexuals who have, basically, come out to the WORLD! Here are these courageous people who can just simply post a video about themselves and be themselves without a care in the world. Why can't I do that? Why can't I accept who I am, and just yell out to the world that I don't care? I don't know, and maybe I never will. I may just be thinking about it too much. If you read this all the way through, thanks for reading, and if you care enough, I'd like some support. I feel quite lonely and depressed.