i saw her this morning. we both had to volunteer at school. we had to be in separate rooms while we were filing/counting ballots for this debate meet thing. we were bored out of our minds. so we sent each other ridiculous (and typically dirty) text messages to keep ourselves occupied and amused.

our friend is supposed to be throwing a mini birthday party for herself tonight, but it doesn't look like it's going to happen any more. so i asked *her*(the girl whose name i fail to mention because i'm terrified of someone reading this...how ridiculous...haha) "so if the party doesn't happen...do you just want to hang out together tonight?" and she said "yeah, maybe we can have a sleepover."

we interrupt this program for a brief moment of freaking out.

um, what? excuse me? did you say sleepover?

it's not like i never spent the night at her house before. it's just that there were always other people there. this time its her and me and i don't know if i can physicallyemotionallypsychologically handle that.

she keeps sending me mixed signals. last week i was teasing her about something (i don't remember what the hell we were talking about) and she said "it's not like a want to make out with girls. at least not when i'm sober." (she was referring to an episode that occured last december when she had a bit of alcohol and spent the next three hours trying to get me to make out with her...i resisted because a) i would never take advantage of anyone b) she could end up hating me and c) i'm friends with her boyfriend. but now i begin to wonder if she was really that drunk after all).

she's definitely not one of those straight girls who enjoys drunkenly sucking the faces off of other girls for the pleasure of observing guys. (when she wanted to make out with lovely little me, we were in a room with five of our female friends).

maybe she's just curious and wants to try something different. maybe she wants to take advantage of me. the awful thing is, i really don't care as long as i get to kiss her. just once. maybe twice.

one thing i know for sure: the line between friendship and relationship is beginning to blur. we're just as close as any couple...we just don't kiss, make out, or touch each other in "inappropriate" places. i probably know more about her than her boyfriend does.

so tonight. possible sleepover. maybe we'll just talk and i'll eventually spill about my secret obsessive crush. maybe not.

ahhh, don't you love the smell of sexual tension in the air?

we went out for coffee last night, just the two of us. she didn't mention inviting anyone else...i didn't ask. we wanted to be together, alone.

we sat in my car with our drinks and talked for two hours about absolutely everything. it was finally time to go home...

...my car battery died.

i was trapped in a car with *her* for two more hours while we waited for my dad to get home from work and come help us start the car.

for some reason i always embarrass myself in front of her...but i'm actually glad it happened...it was an excuse for two more hours of talking. we tell each other everything...except the one, really really significant thing that was leave in endless subtext. the flirtation. it's coming from both sides, i know it. i just don't know if she's flirting for fun, or if she really does like me.

shit. it's been a while. a lot has happened since june, the last time i wrote anything on oasis.

i had a girlfriend for a while. it was a long distance relationship and it didn't work out, but for a while...i was happy. i think that's why i didn't need oasis so much. i spent my summer studying creative writing in the city with a class full of bisexual/lez girls who accepted me and flirted with me and made me feel amazing.

then my relationship ended and i started to have feelings for julie again.

actually, the feelings never really went away. i surpressed them, and surprisingly, it worked...but now that i'm back on the market, things are different.

she's still a tease. she still flirts with me (but i have yet to discern whether this is unintentional). i went to the homecoming dance tonight with a friend of mine. i had to look at her in a gorgeous clingy dress...then we went in her boyfriend's hot tub and i had to look at her in a swimsuit and try not to stare. it was torture.

maybe i'm crazy, but i feel like she uses every excuse possible to touch me. if she has to walk past me, she puts her hand on my shoulder. if she's messing around, she grabs my ass. when she gives me a hug, it lasts a few seconds too long. and tonight she told me that my boobs (which i recently grew, even though i'm almost 18--ha) looked good in my bikini. she said in spanish. "Tus pechos son buenos en tu traje de bano." i just blushed--"um...gracias."

sure, straight girls say things like that to each other...but with me...it's excessive. maybe she's just flirting with me because she's curious, because it's fun...because she's cruel and awful...i don't know. this is driving me crazy.

i feel like i'm 13 again. i can't stop thinking about her. i can't write a song about anything but her. she has actually inspired some of my best work...i played those songs for her, hoping that the subtext would sink in. if it did, she never did anything to show me that she got the message.

i can't tell any of my friends that i have feelings for her because A) they would be weirded out...and it's already weird enough to them that i'm gay, and B) they would think i'm a terrible person. her boyfriend is one of my good friends. she is (at this point) my best friend and we supposedly tell each other everything. supposedly we don't keep secrets from each other. she knows everything about me, except the one thing that's most important...

...this is so typical. ever since i was 12 i've always fallen for my best friend. it's inevitable. i think this is why i have such a hard time making friends with girls...eventually, i have to stop talking to them because it gets to be too much.

but now i have oasis (once again) and i can gush about her as much as i want without being judged. so i will. and maybe i can get her out of my system.

These past few days, I've pretty much been sitting on my ass watching Buffy or the L Word or reading and feeling like shit. I have no desire to do anything. I need to start working out again. I just sit and eat and I know that I need to kick myself in the butt, but I can't. I'm going to the pride parade for the first time EVER tomorrow and I can't even get excited about it.

I did, however, go to a queer youth open mic yesterday with my "gay boyfriend." Barely anyone showed up. Only three other kids read their poetry. But I loved the bookstore and the people who worked there...and I bought a bumper sticker that says, "Sorry I missed church: I was busy practicing witchcraft and becoming a lesbian." Hehehe.

But seriously. This bookstore was heaven. I saw Sister Spit perform there in April. They have all my favorite books and play all my favorite music (last night they played Ani's Little Plastic Castle album) and they even have a giant cardboard cutout of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I'm serious. I took sexy pictures with it. :)

So when I actually go out and make myself do something, I have fun. But right now I have no motivation. I feel like crap, and I know that calling up some friends will make me feel better, but it's like I don't want to feel better. I want to wallow.

I make no sense whatsoever.

We had a "going away bonfire" for all of the people who are leaving for the foreign exchange program. She was there...with her boyfriend (of course) and they were practically attached at the hip (of course) but...

She was flirting with me again. And this time I was sure. I have absolutely no doubt that the conservative/"I'm saving myself for marriage"/pseudo-straight girl was using some serious subtext skills to hit on me, the raging liberal/feminist/radical dyke. And I couldn't do anything about it.

I was going to talk to her tonight. It would have been perfect. She's leaving in three days, so I wouldn't have to worry about things getting awkward if our conversation offended her...but I couldn't get her alone the entire night.

When she was about to leave, she gave me a curiously long hug and said that she just realized that we didn't have any pictures together. She had someone take a picture of us while she lifted me up (she's taller than me...like everyone else on the planet) and squeezed me.

We walked out to our cars. She was about to get in her van, but she came over to my car window and said that she needed another hug. So she hugged me (again) and...*drumroll*

...she kissed me on the cheek. (!!!)

Sure, straight girls do that...but not this one.

So the whole way home I was looking at the full moon and listening to a sad Ani DiFranco song and crying my eyes out because I realized that I won't see her for two months. It was like a pathetic breakup scene in some bad 90's movie. A million things could happen in two months. She could forget about everything.

She's still here for two more days...maybe I can find a way to see her one more time.

I haven't had a crush like this in ages. I feel like I'm 12.

The strangest thing that could possibly happen is taking place and gaining momentum. I have the most unlikely crush that I could possibly imagine.

Me=raging liberal/feminist/punk rock diva/"My bush for president"/dyke

She=hardcore conservative/"I'm saving myself until marraige"/ultra-girly/stereotypically "STRAIGHT" girl

As an added bonus, her superjock boyfriend is one of my good friends. Wtf?!

Ok, I guess this didn't happen completely out of nowhere. I've known her for more than 3 years. When I came out in October, I was really really worried about her reaction (due to the whole obsessive-compulsive conservative deal), but she was really great about it...almost fascinated. She asked me lots of questions...haha. I saw her at a friends gathering a few months ago and she was...slightly intoxicated. And she asked me to make out with her. More than once. I've heard that straight girls do that when they're drunk, but she was really just a little buzzed...and I think she was using it as an excuse to explore her sexuality. Plus, most of the hetero girls who make out with each other do it so the guys can watch...and there weren't any guys around.

I've been spending a lot more time with her during the past few weeks. We've been studying together for final exams...but she keeps finding excuses to "study" with me when she doesn't really need any help. I kept getting the idea that she was flirting with me...but I don't trust myself. I could be totally making this up in my head.

So we've been talking a lot more, and I've discovered that we have a lot more in common than I thought we did. And she started to say things...really subtext-y things...that made me think that she liked girls.

I want to talk to her about it. Not because I like her, but because I know what's its like to have to conceal who you are. I know she loves her boyfriend...he's a great guy, and they're perfect together. But if she does have feelings for girls now and then, I want to reassure her and tell her that it's ok. She wasn't brought up in an environment where those things are accepted.

I'm worried that if I bring it up she'll completely freak out and deny it. I don't want to offend her...and I could be completely wrong about this whole thing...but I feel like I should at least say something in a sensitive, friendly way.

Problem: I only have one week to get the guts to talk to her. She's leaving for a foreign exchange program...and she'll be gone for 5 weeks.

So what do you all think? Should I say anything...and how the heck should I say it? And when?

it's been a while since i posted.

i've been busy.

i hate school.

my cousin/best friend's ex boyfriend/my friend who has a girlfriend has a crush on me even though he knows that i don't do boys. (????)

i hate school.

i'm going to the theater company awards on friday.

i hate school.

i'm going to study now.

did i mention that i hate school?

but that's ok. because it's almost over. and i think i'll cry big fat tears of joy.

i emailed E yesterday about the sister spit show. she's a twenty-something-year-old actress/model/dancer/poet/feminist. i met her last year when we were performing in a play...she's like an older, wilder version of me with a cute fro. at least, she had a fro the last time i saw her.

E has more energy than any human being i've ever met. she's so tiny and compact, but she has a massive handshake. everything about her inspires me.

i'm pretty sure she's bi. she never told me that directly, but i once walked by the dressing room door and heard her describing a detailed sexual encounter to her friend...about a girl. so of course, i listened. it was the "birds and bees" talk that i never really had.

so E said that she would (and i quote) gather up her "lesbo feminist homegirls" and come to see sister spit. so now i'm going to be surrounded by cute lesbian feminist poets who are too old for me, but probably very very attractive. i'll be a kid in a candy store. 9 more days.

so for now, i'm rereading The Chelsea Whistle and anxiously awaiting my birthday on saturday. i'm getting a group of friends to go see Grindhouse. the theme of my birthday is officially "eyecandy."

now it's homework time.

according to my profile, i started an account here 14 weeks ago. i posted a few times, but i never ended up writing journal entries. i went through a paranoia phase when i was sure that my parents were reading everything i decided to post online...but i think i'm past that by now. so...here goes.

in 10 days i'm going to meet 8 women that i practically worship when i see SISTER SPIT! they're a group of queer female poets on tour, and they'll be in chicago the week after my birthday. i am beyond excited. adrenaline has been oozing out of me like an infectious disease for the past week. only 10 more days.

so i'm going to be at a bookstore...alone...with a huge group of lesbians and 8 mind-blowing writers. oh god. i've never done this before.

well...there *was* the ani difranco concert i went to in october with my best friend (who recently became my first girlfriend...and then my ex girlfriend). i have never seen so many gorgeous women with fierce musical taste in my life. there was this girl who looked *exactly* like shane from the L word...M and i accidently on purpose stalked her the entire night. we giggled like idiots when we saw her at the bar...then she ended up behind us in line for the bathroom...and then (of course) she and her girlfriend were sitting right behind us for the concert, making out like lip-sucking squids while ani rocked out.

that was my only "ahh there's dykes everywhere!" experience. i don't think i lifted my arms all night because i was sweating so much. yeah...i was a little nervous. girls make me nervous. lesbians steal my sanity.

so back to sister spit...i'm going to meet michelle tea. i think i need to say that again for emphasis: i'm going to meet michelle tea. i think i'm going to need an oxygen tank.

i started reading some of her essays and short stories online last year. since then, i've scoured indie bookstores like a fiend for copies of her books. i actually scored a copy of Valencia at the local Borders (in my town, that's like finding a little beacon of hope). i danced right there in the aisle. at the moment, the gay and lesbian section has actually expanded to cover not one, but *two* horizontal shelves. that's where i found ali leibgott's new novel and michelle tea's new anthology.

i was taking acting classes in chicago last summer, and every day i would write while i was on the train, desperately trying to emulate michelle tea's raw energy and storytelling. her stories exposed me to this other dimension where there's lesbians and misfits and poets everywhere...the fact that these stories are *her* stories makes them even more exciting. i know that her world exists.

she performed in chicago during the gay games and i was determined to see her...but the Hot House made it one of those "18-and-older" shows. but i had this crazy idea that i would see her on the train or the El, so i carried my copy of Rose of No Man's Land all week. pathetic, i know.

so now i'm going to meet her. for real. do you understand my level of utter disbelief?

more importantly, i'm going to be in a room full of women who love michelle tea and eileen myles just as much as i do. and most of them will be dykes.

i don't know many lesbians. my ex girlfriend is bi...there's one girl at school that i talk to once in a while...but other than that, my options for dating are almost nonexistent. this is my opportunity to meet people. this will sound so unlike me but...oh my god, what am i going to wear?