"INFPs tend toward depression and it's not really a big mystery as to why.

It's about making choices and decisions. I think that's why INFPs who are extreme Ps are more depressed more often than INFPs who border J.

The first reason is that I don't think INFPs can define "happy" in measurable terms. Happiness is some vague ideal like Truth. It's the P part of us, that keeps changing our definitions of happy. You can't achieve a goal you can't define. However, I do feel that most INFPs grow out of that phase as they get older because we realize we're running out of time. Unfortunately, those goals tend to be unrealistic which starts effecting self-worth.

That's the 2nd reason for depression: self-worth issues. How does a person know his own worth? It's very simple.

Your worth is measured by how well and how often your actions match your values and your view of yourself.

INFPs spend so much time analyzing themselves that for the most part they know who they are as a person. Unfortunately, the doing is the hard part. Behavior doesn't match self-image. Some of it has to do with making choices which INFPs are loathe to do. Some of it has to do with society. Not everyone can be a famous novelist even though you might see yourself as one. Society is not a meritocracy.

I think INFPs have more of a need to feel special than any other personality type. We see ourselves as special and our behavior--9-5 McJob, worrying about the bills--doesn't really match or view of ourselves. So to compesate, we master obscure hobbies, read Baudrillard or travel to exotic locations because we need to be part of the select few.

Even more insidious, is that we create these convoluted belief systems to explain to ourselves why our place in the world is the way it is. However, reality is the House and the House always wins given the law of averages.

Life ends up being average in the long run because the big highs and the low lows take too much energy. So we end up with this lingering depression, like cough you can't shake even though you've gotten over your cold.

I wholeheartly believe that life has meaning and LOTS of it. I also believe that the ASSUMPTION that the life has meaning is a mistake.

Whether life has meaning is a belief. It's also a belief that only works if you consciously make a decision to believe it. Because the next step after belief is acting upon that belief.

All those random things that may be unjust, unfair...blah blah blah. Events in themselves have no meaning. It's the interpretation of events that bring meaning. If you've chosen to belief that life has meaning than the action is to interpret those events to give meaning to you. Otherwise, everything is random and you're screwed.

Look at it this way, any belief system has to be supported by the environment. I had a friend who's no longer a vegitarian because he climbed Kiliminjaro. He didn't have a life changing experience at the top. But in that part of Africa, he had a choice between chicken or starving. His environment did not support his belief in vegitarianism.

When you beliefs don't match your enviroment you have 1 of 3 choices:

1. Change your belief.
2. Change your environment; or
3. Suffer!

Unfortunately, beliefs about meaning relate to the enviroment known as "Life". You can't change your enviroment without dying so you have to change beliefs and act on those beliefs or suffer.

I think the number one belief about life and meaning that INFPs have that causes grief is this: INFPs think that they have to find meaning in their lives.

Meaning isn't something you find, it's something you choose.

Or so I've chosen to believe. I can't say I've ever regretted making that choice. "

this personality test describes me so much sometimes, it freaks me out.

I rented that movie The Eye with my 2 best friends. And to the one i squealed (ew i hate that word) ooo jessica alba! ahha so anyway apparently she went to the movie store like 2 days later with her boyfriend and he picked the movie up and said the exact same thing in the exact same voice i did. and she started laughing and he was like Wow other girls would get mad at that. Thought that was somehow a funny story.

Nothing and everything is happening in my life. I relapsed monday ,tuesday, today. Fuck. aand i weighed 129 on sunday. why do i fuck my life over when its getting perfect? do i think id ont deserve it?

i went completely psycho today. i threw my scale down the stairs. got out a hammer. and beat it to pieces. and put the pieces in a garbage bag. and hid it behind my couch.

hahahhaa.. im screwed.
fuck. well, it was fun. fuck. at least i won't be weighing myself every 10 minutes....

Um. So today it snowed. Wtf. So that was all fun & games. Until some asshole pulled the fire alarm. Holy shit. 2000 kids outside in the fucking cold and snow getting soaking wet is not funny. And I was dressed up nice for one of my classes. Gahh. And practice was cancelled and we were gonna have a halloween party =[ But hey snow!

I just hope its not a white halloween.

Things were good with boy today.
But I have my suspicions that that was because I was soaking wet...

My guy friend just kind of assumed I was in to girls. So maybe its starting to be common knowledge! Yayy! That makes me happy.

Blah.

He gave me three of his old shirts.
They all smell just like him.
My favorite scent in the world <3 When I hold one up to my nose and breathe in it smells like love swirling into my lungs.

Ah everything is so cruel yet good =]

Best XC time so far was 28:22 on wednesday. Meet tomorrow. I'm shooting for 28 flat, but I heard this course is actually 3.2 miles as opposed to .. 3.14. Yes, sadly that's stressing me out.

I need to beat my time.

I went to another GSA meeting. I mean I'm totes behind gay rights and completely interested in the issues. Clubs just tend to suckkk. Its all "later this year we'll do this"

Ugh just fricken do something already

All in all, boy said he wasn't planning on ever dating me again.

This makes me miserable. Unrequited love isn't healthy so i decided to find out if I had a chance or should try to get over him. Now I realize my chance is slim and getting over him is impossible.

The best part is i wake up at 5AM to go to a XC meet tomorrow.

Uhmm.. I was pumped until now. Now I feel like every bit of happiness is sucked out of me. What if that affects how I do? Fuck everything.

I don't wanna fall back into depression.

On the bright side, today I weighed 139.5!! And that was at like 6 pm. yay to be in the 130s again =]

How do you stop loving someone? Because I can't. And it hurts.

Why do I find Avril Lavigne so hot? I don't know anyone else who agrees. Hmm. WTF there's a new Metallica album. When did this happen and how did I not hear about it?

Mainstream musical nonsense aside. First XC race today. My time was uh.. 31:05 (Really bad). My first mile time was 9min exactly so I guess my middle one was the worst. But I finished before 2 girls on my team so I was happy about that I guess. (Even though they are a frosh & a soph). The freshman girl was crying after. I actually before today found her to be the most rude and manner-less girl. But I guess seeing her defenseless side made me like her. I ran my cooldown with her and tried to comfort her and give her a self esteem boost and teach her to stay positive. I sounded like some crazy professer giving an excited lecture. But its like.. I know where she's coming from. Out of all the girls on the team I'm probably the most experienced in the thinking-you-suck/no-self-esteem field. So I can maybe help. It was weird though because she's very outgoing/stuck up. Blahh hard sport.

Boy got like.. 21 min. Fuck men.
I hope I can improve my time Wednesday! I'm gonna push myself as hard as I can.

I was a lot less nervous this time (though it wasn't a meet so there were a lot of girls. Wednesday its just our school and our "sister" (rival) school. Scary. Just.. standing on that start line and waiting for the gun makes me wanna cry. After about half a mile I can actually get into it and start loving it, even if I'm on the lower tier. And boy watching... Uh that ups the nervousness a lot. But I think I kept my nerves under control today, for the most part =].

I've had such a good friday & saturday =]
Friday it rained all day so (of course we always have practice anyway. no matter what. unless "houses are flying". haha)
But its good 'cause I like running in the rain. Before practice boy & I usually hang out at the track. I'm the only girl who really talks to the guys so I think I look like a whore. Its like the girls team. Then the JV guys team & me. Ekk oh well? =P
(OH! unrelated. gymnasts have nicee asses)
Anyway we spent really good quality time together. And I looked cute ^.^ It was really gooddd. It was raining. We got soaked. Somehow that adds a mood. I'm not sure how but it added a good mood. Then at practice I broke my mile time twice. after that it got progressively slower.
Humm.

Then later that night at the game I braided my hair in two braids which he has never seen heh. And I hung out with boy most of the night. that was really good too. At one point we just stood there looking into each others eyes smiling for like a full minute. and then he slowly brushed a piece of hair out of my eye. like seriously WHAT IS THIS WHY ARE WE NOT TOGETHER. ha humm =]
I also met this really cute college girl who drove her little siblings there. She was russian & the accent was hottt . we had a lot in common so that was fun

got home late. went to bed. woke up at 530. left for the race at 630. (still so dark out >.<) talked to boy alittle bit but had to go warmup & stuff. after i ate the best apple i've ever had & got coffee (oh how I have missed you coffeee<3)
then I watched the guys finish. boy is fast. & sexy. sexysexysexysexy.

after he finished i said good job or whatever and high5ed him and he hi5ed me and interlocked his fingers with mine so we were sort of holding hands for a minute. i wasnt expecting it.
then we just kinda sat together and listened to bob marley (random).

I really want him back.
There's nothing I want more.
But it seems like working for that would be .. uh theres 2 words for it and i cant remember either. the opposite of beneficial i guess.
maybe i should be patience?

patience.
grr.

I joined GSA today. Yay I guess. I joined mostly to be in a club, so colleges don't think I'm a fucking idiot. There are about 7 members.. I actually don't think any of them know I'm bi which is pretty funny. But nobody asked so *shrugs*. I would have joined last year but Teacher X is in charge and I really... dislike her. Ekk. But whatever I'll get over it. I get this stupid feeling that she gets satisfaction out of the fact that I joined her club though. Which is annoying somehow too.

At least I got to avoid boy. I've been depressed. It wouldn't have gone over too well. His mom apparently ''extremely dislikes" me? She seemed nice enough on the phone. She told me when he would be home and I didnt even ask. And I told her congratulations (about being pregnant) and she seemed to smile when she said thanks. Of course she's had years of experience as a woman faking niceties. What's to dislike!? I'm a good person. If anything its always the guy who's the seducer in the situation! The guy! (haha i think it was mutual.) Ugh I'm just paranoid the woman (intelligent, actually kinda a MILF) thinks I'm a stupid slut..
Why am I even thinking about this?

He has my ring. And a pile of his clothes he was gonna give to me but his mom wants to give away. But I think he's gonna try to give them to me. If he can handle doing one fucking thing for me this week.

But hey at least I've kept my grades up while not feeling happy. Except I got a B on my AP Gov quiz. Which basically means I now have a B in that class. grrrr

I think I actually love myself.
This is a huge breakthrough.
Hell yes.

Nothing good ever comes of it. I always get dumped, binge, depressed, hurt..

today i got sex-dumped for god. hahaha. well this sucks. what do you do when your Christian ex boyfriend who you still love and are best friends with and are sometimes intimate with (in romantic ways too) all of a sudden gets a kick of the I'M GONNA BE A PERFECT CHRISTIAN haha he's going to give up sex and jerking off (.. wanna see how that one goes) and kissing anyone that isnt a girlfriend. hahahaha wonderful. Wow and I was almost just considering religion even though I'm an atheist I'm open minded so I figured it was time to deeply consider religion for a while but right now if there is a god hahahaha holy shit THANKS FOR MAKING MY LIFE FAN FUCKING TASTIC HAHAHAHAHA.

fuck my life.

Ummm so I have 3 options

option a) tell him I'm not over him never will be and still love him
option b) wait a bit and see if i can get him to like me again so i can be his girlfriend so i don't have to hide my feelings which is a bitch
option c) never tell and let my feelings tear me up inside and probably watch him get a new girlfriend and probably cry myself to sleep every night

i would be crying now because this has all in all been a bad day but I'm not crying cause its too funny that this is sort of my fault i practically brought the idea to his head hahahah i'm an idiot. also i was just watching wishbone and man i fucking love that show. brings back memories. apparently the dog's voice is the same voice as the jet dry commercial. hahahaa. oh gosh.

ummm screw depression i'm a junior now I need to stay happy so I can get me straight A's. I know.. i'll ignore my broken heart with guitar hero! yayy for pushing down emotions in order to maintain good grades.

Talk about melodramatic.

wooh.. britney spears.. hahaha .. ahk.

I'm so pleased with myself. I did a network search on facebook of my highschool (I'm such the facebook creeper!) of women who are interested in women. and then who are interested in women & men. Of course there's like, 6. Including me. But under the women&men one I saw the girl who was my best friend preschool-1st grade. but she goes to a different highschool. And I was of course like woah when did this happen! So I went to her profile-edit-mini-feed (again, facebook creeper I am), and she changed her interested-in section the day after she added me as a friend. Yay! I think I inspired her [= And maybe I actually have a chance with her.. But I don't have any feelings for her besides old-time friends. I should probably text her and say we should hang out in town, but ugh. She's so skinny/pretty/worldly/i havent seen her in years and years and years.

What to do.

I love ignoring boy. It always results in him calling me<3. He can't come to my birthday party. Psh. At least I'll be less self-conscious now. But I haven't hung with him since July22nd!! ZOMG. I need to see him. Cause I need a kiss. And a hug. And my ring/his shirts he's giving me!! Jeez.

I binged yesterday. But I'm over it & moving on. Imagine that.
ALMOST SCHOOL!<3

Yay I'm finally sixteen today =]

Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life. My ex and me got in a huge fight. That's never happened before. We finally talked on the phone at like 5pm and worked it out. But I almost off'd myself before that. *sigh*. He was a douche. I was right. He was wrong. I still love the kid.

Everything was crap until then but after that I felt better. Then I ran for 45 minutes so I guess that lifted my spirits chemically. Then my best friend brought me flowers (sunflowers. my fave kind <3). That was really nice. Oh and i got a whammy bar for my guitar yesterday as an early birthday present. Sweet.

Today has been relaxing. My parents aren't home because they drove out to my sister's college to help her switch dorms. It's okay. I won't be alone for my whole birthday and they left me a bunch of notes. Still, I feel like I should be doing something. I guess I'll run and stuff. I dunnos.

The only bad thing is I guess I haven't eaten very well today because it's my birthday. And I've already had like 1,350 calories. And I have 1,500 a day. I guess I should make an exception for today. I just feel bad cause I've lost.. 11 pounds. I don't wanna take a step backward. Maybe I'll have like salad for dinner and then have my parents take me out for ice cream? I don't want my anorexia to come back. Gotta start this year off on the right foot. *sigh*

They upped my Accutane dosage and now I'm getting all those original side effects that had finally subsided all over agian. My lips are freakin dry, my skin won't take to makeup, and it's breaking me out. Oh well. I guess thats the price I'll pay for perfect skin in October and near perfect skin forever =] Yay.

I've been watching Will & Grace and I Love Lucy for like 2 hours. I have a life, hehe =]

So glad I got a lot of bad stuff out on the last day of being shitty 15 years old.

Who the hell says you're dead to me? In real fucking life? What the fucking fuck. Who says that. I didn't do anything?

I'm so pissed and yet I have that feeling like I'm gonna throw up.

I love how my favorite holiday was ruined and now my birthday will be too.

I hate people. I didn't do anything. What the fuck. I WANNA KILL SOMEBODY. But that just leaves me

I should never stay up late again. Nothing good comes of it

That it's not even funny. Things have been so stressful yet I've been happy. Lets see. Haven't binged in.. 19 days. Wooh. I've also lost 11 pounds since then. Doesn't sound healthy but you always drop a lot at first and then it slows down a lot. Hmm so now I'm 145.5 at 5'6.5''. Why can I not just be 5'7''?? Grr. I probably stunted my growth being anorexic at 13 and 14. Stupid. Aiming for 125. That's good for my height. Plus on the slim-ish side would help for running.. =]

Yesterday I ran a 5K in 35 minutes. thats so.. bad. And that was on FLAT ground. I know I can't compare myself to everyone else, I just have to improve myself. But seriously. Most girls get 21-26. And real practice hasn't even started yet.. *Sigh* I just gotta keep working and believing.

I still have no appetite. I bought some food that I eat at shoprite yesterday. Especially stuff with fiber cause I'm not getting enough. It helps a little but I still have no appetite. Like, I get hungry. But then when I look at food it sickens me and I have no desire to eat. *Sigh*. I guess its a blessing in losing weight but it makes me nervous too. I do eat anyway though. Don't wanna fuck my body up.

My birthday is on Sunday. Wooh! Officially be sixteen. =]

I had this weird dream where children with cleft palette birth defect like circled around me and beat me up. It's weird. The only connection I can think of is that the henna tat i got a few weeks ago made a donation to research for that condition. Ahh weird though. I woke up screaming again =/

*sigh* My life is so stressful right now that all I seriously feel like doing is running. And I am not even good yet. It just feels right. I don't know.

I really need to learn to write in my journal when I actually have thoughts.

I wonder where all the people are out there. Who know the way I feel. Where your direction in life is like a small narrow bike path leading onward to a healthy life. On one side of the path looms anorexia. On the other side binge eating. One false step and you find yourself veering off the path into the darkness once again. I have to widen the path. But that's difficult to do while you're traveling down it at the same time. I feel good. But what if there isn't a foundation for my sanity?

What it feels like when you can't eat in front of other people. How I feel like screaming when someone goes "Mmmmm." Is it just a stupid pet peeve? Or maybe it angers me because its a sound of enjoyment. They're enjoying their food. I can't even comprehend what that feels like. Food is a fuel. Sometimes a guilt. But enjoyable? No. We are not friends. Food pretended to be my friend to fill the void. That didn't work so well. I've fought that for 13 days straight. Which is good for me.

I'm doing really well. So I have to be more careful than ever. Watch out for SUD's (what my therapist calls Seemingly Unrelated Decisions). It really helps.

Starving is easy. Starving is oh so easy. If I wanted to I could starve myself. Lose weight (mostly muscle..) Hmm. Then start getting dizzy again. Fucked up heart rate/pain. Thankfully nothing has ever gone past that. But I could keep going. Turn into bones. And die. How convenient. But I think I'll choose the hardest path. Being healthy. Being Fit. Being happy. Because who doesn't like a challenge, eh?

And if I get hit by a bus or something on the day I feel completely comfortable with my body. Well then that's just fucking hilarious irony and someone should write a book about me. Ah fate.

I don't believe in fate. I don't believe in God. I want to. That doesn't seem to make sense to anyone but me. They ask "How can you WISH you had faith if you're not a believer?" Because. For selfish reasons I guess. For something to trust, to put my faith in, for SOMETHING to believe in. I wish I had that. But I just, don't believe. Not yet. I have quite the open mind though.

And if there was a Heaven. There might just be someone, well there is, that it would be nice to spend eternity with. If I can't spend it with him.. it just wouldn't be heaven. So screw it.

Apparently my cholesterol is quite good. Cooleo. My triglycerides were high a few weeks ago. Kinda scary because I binged that week then took the test. I felt all the horrible side effects of the ED but never like, a lab test result. It fucking messes you up. But I've been great for 13 days. Hey two weeks tomorrow =] and now my levels are fucking pro. Wooh.

I've been dealing with bad things a bit better lately. Taking them lightly. Not letting it get me down. Because I've known them long enough that things always get better. So I have faith they will again. I guess that's something? And if I'm going to be in love (not like I have a say in the matter) I might as well not be so sensitive. Because thats a sure way to cry every day. And that's no way to live. I'd much rather just let my emotions out through running and guitar hero. Ah guitar hero <3

And maybe these matters, disorders, depression, you name it, have been sent to me to make me stronger. To teach me how to be happy and healthy for myself. Because sure now the happy-go-lucky-skinny-beautiful-girls-and-boys may seem lucky. But they haven't had to deal with anything too huge. Issues inside themselves. Cutting you at the bone. And those issues will come to them, someday. And they won't know how to deal. Their lives have been at a 'mostly good' point. So when things go sour for a time, it will seem horrible. For me, I'll be used to it. The downward drop won't be a spike, just a dip. And I'll be able to say Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

I need to write this down and get it out of my head too.

A couple weeks ago boy texts me "I just found out my mom is 12 weeks in with twins." Yeah. He's seventeen. That's awkward but wonderful. But the other day we were talking and out of the blue he has a mini break down. Apparently his mom screamed and something went wrong. The EMS and police came. She's in the hospital. One of the babies died. She's still in there. I really want her to be okay. And her baby. He says she's dealing pretty badly. She's a strong woman though so I think if this baby survives she'll be okay. But what if it doesn't?

Boy was like "If my mom dies can I move in with you?" I felt so bad. And of course said yes. But the horrible thing is, for a second there I wanted her to. Just to live with him. I'm so horrible! I definitely want her to live and deliver the baby alive. I wish I had something to pray to but I can't bring myself to believe in any higher power.

It's so weird for something to die that hasn't even been born yet. Although I suppose that's less painful then it dying after birth... Is that the sunny side of this situation? Because I don't see one.

Also his mom's fiancee got laid off. She's verryyy well off, but still. He's living with boy now. Apparently they avoid each other. I'm worried about him. He can open up to me and he knows it. I hope he comes to me.. =/