i remember watching you through the window
you opened the door and that familiar breeze came in,
air chilled from the winter outside that our bodies and these sheets protected us from so well.
slouched against the handrail, cigarette in hand
you'd inhale, exhale
and i'd drift back into dreams of you.

i was never a morning person, until i met you
opening my eyes to fall so deeply into yours was the greatest awakening
no sunrise could ever be as beautiful, so i never even bothered.
for three hundred and twenty six days
i never saw the first rays of light shine over the mountains and across the water
because my eyes were fixed on you

when i woke up i was in your arms, right where you'd left me.
those mornings were the best of my life.
to me, the future was you, and us.
same love, same bed, same cigarettes in the morning
but one morning
the pack had changed from red to blue
and i knew that i was losing you.

------------------------------

Wrote that the other night, it's not really about anything from first hand experience... I dunno. I'm kind of attached to it now because somehow I feel connected to it but I'm not sure how :S

On another note, I'm coming out to my dad when he wakes up, which should be in next hour or two.
Eeeek.
And this afternoon I'll be coming out my sister who's down for the weekend, and hopefully my whole family by the end of the weekend.
I'm scared, nervous, anxious and excited.
If it goes terrible thats okay, I'll just cry my eyes out when I see C today, if it goes well, then that just makes life even better right now :)

Yarrrrr. I can't freakin' wait till holidays start.
I'm getting my hair done next month for 1) my birthday 2) my formal 3) start of summer break.

I'm getting it cut like Shane's hair (L word) from around the time Carmen sprays her with a fire extinguisher :)
Hopefully it'll be good *crosses fingers
:D

Can't waitttttttt. Ohmygod. Hahah.
Get to go out again and have fun and not come home for one or two days at a time :D :D

Okay. I really need to stop putting this off.
It's not like it requires anything special.
I just need to say two words.
Gah.

I was meant to do it last saturday night.
But I was too tired and drugged.
And Sunday I was working.

I'm thinking of telling my dad in the next hour or so.
But at the same time, I can't call C for moral support because she's out clubbing right now. And she's pretty much the only person I'd call right now.

Tomorrow night is a no no, because I'm going to Canberra for an excursion from 7am-7pm on friday (minimum 6 hours of bus-riding in one day. Hell on wheels >_<)

So I'm thinking saturday morning.
Because I'm "starting work" at 9:30am, which of course is a lie, I start at 12, I just want to see C during the day :)

So I think I'll sit down with him. Tell him on saturday morning, so if it all goes haywire and terrible I can run to C and cry my eyes out or just sit in silence and hug. Her hugs make me feel so safe. I don't think I know anyone that can make me feel as comfortable and at home in their arms as her, and I've known her for just 2 weeks and one day.

But yeah. Thats the plan.
Any tips/help/advice?
My dad's pretty open and accepting. I'm not going to try and sugar-coat it because I know in the end the only two words that will sink in will be "I'm gay".

At least I've got the next few days to mentally prepare myself.
And I'm going to tell my friends to call/msg me on saturday morning.
To make SURE I do it. I really need to stop putting this off.
Really really.

Eeek. Scared. Anxious. Yet it's so exhilarating.

Arrrghh.
Okay.
I'm grounded, as of today. For one month (until my birthday).
And I don't even CARE!
Only recently my social life has kicked it up a notch and its been great, but now I'm grounded and its just like "Oh well, who cares?"

I've thought of a few reasons for this.
Perhaps because I had the most AMAZING day yesterday.
I saw C, we hung out allllll day. And went to Newtown and Sydney and Hyde Park and stuff.
My god, I swear, every time I see her she just amazes me. The more I get to know her, the more we seem so much alike.
We both feel basically the same way about relationships, music, girls, life in general, hahahah.
We just talked all day, I don't think I've ever been able to talk to anyone so easily, and I don't think I've ever felt so secure and safe and comfortable with anyone before either, I can't explain it.
I've only known for what, about 2 weeks?
But she knows things about me that some of my closest friends don't even know.

Anyways. Yesterday was just plain amazing, we hung out with her ex for a while (which is funny because we've talked about her a bit and it was funny to meet her, she's pretty cool...and overwhelming, hahaha)
And then we headed into the city and had half a pill each, C bought a belt buckle and we held hands and made our way to Hyde.
Then we had 2 cones each and got up to walk to the station and hugged.
We didn't stop hugging. Haha. We stood there for about 10 minutes and people took photos of us and stared but we just hugged standing in the middle of this massive park XD

Then we got a train home and there were so seats, so we sat behind the drivers carriage in the big space and we were tired but feeling incredible (because of the drugs, mostly. But even without them I would've been pretty damn happy!)
And we sat on the floor and she lay on me and I just held her, which I never get to do because I'm always the smaller one.
Then we swapped and I was leaning with my back to her chest sitting between her legs (not as sus as it sounds, haha)
And she had her arms around me and arghhh *melts*
I really, really like this girl.
I hate trains. And I didn't want to get off.
When I walked out of the carriage, I took a few steps and ran back and hugged her goodbye again, I just didn't want to leave.
I probably won't see her for a month, unless I find a way somehow.

On another note, I'm starting a job today O_O
I don't even know what I'm doing. I need to go into town and buy a black shirt before I go.
It's at a kiosk by the beach. 11am, sharp.
Pretty messed up and confusing, I'll explain it and update on how the day was when I get home (not that anyone's really interested but LOL, I need to talk about it and noone really wants to listen :P)

Hugsss.
Hope everyones had a good weekend so far :)

*SQUEEEEEEEEEE!

*does happy dance XD

I saw C in town last night :D
I wasn't gonna go in 'cause it couldn't be bothered really, but she messaged me (from her dads phone, cause she didnt have credit) and said pleaseplease come, so I did :3

And eeeeeeee.
When I got home, A (mutual friend, my ex, lol) said "ooooh someone likes C...;)"

And I automatically did the defense+curiosity mechanism thing.
And it turns out that C kept talking to A about me, saying that I was funny and intelligent and mature and that my eyes were gorgeous and eeeeeeeee! I almost melted!

OHOH.
Also, not sure if anyone's even reading this, but the strangest thing happened last night too.
We were sitting outside GJ's (aussie starbucks) talking about how I couldn't get a job, and we were talking loud and laughing and I said something like "NOONE WILL FREAKIN HIRE ME CAUSE I LOOK LIKE A CRACKFUCK!"

O_O
And about 20 seconds later this lady approaches us from the next table and she's like
"Excuse me, I heard you can't find a job?"
"Yeah...noone will hire me *awkward laugh*
(At this point I thought she was either A) A pimpette, or B) A crack junkie coming to kill me)
"Why not?"
"I don't know...They just don't like the way I look, and my hair"
"And why's that?" - I think she wanted me to say crackfuck again, hence me thinking even MORE that she was a crack junkie coming to kill me.
"Welll.. I'm just not presentable I guess!"

Anyways, to cut it short. The whole encounter was really random.
She wrote down some stuff on a piece of paper and told me to call her if I was interested (She did it really sneakily, making me think she was a pimpette, again, lol)
And it turns out owns a kiosk by the beach and she told me to call before 10am (if I decide to call, which I DEFINITELY will - I need a job).

But yeah. I thought it was so weird. And awkward and scary but funny.
I'm gonna call her tomorrow before I head up to Sydney (WITH C XD XD XD)
And see what details like pay, what kind of work, part-time casual etc.

So excited.
But I'm also grounded.
'Cause my parents found 2 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
So starting from sunday, I'm grounded for a month (till my birthday) - 19th november.
Which is probably good anyway.
Since I have my school certificate and stuff.

So yeah.
Thats my story :D
If anyones read this far O_o haha

I'm off to get ready for school :)
BYEEES!
HUGS!
And I

Okay okay :D
Yesterday I got to see C after school.
Which was so embarrassing. Because I was in my school uniform. (My school is renowned for its terrible uniforms).
Her (and D) were sitting outside the coffee shop and when me, A and J walked over she just kept her eyes on me and didn't stop smiling.
And when we finally got there she turned to me and touched my arm *quivers D: and said 'You gonna pull up a chair, or what?' with the most devious smile, hahaha.
And then all afternoon we pretty much just chatted, two of her best friends were there, and her (edit) EXgirlfriend came around for a while but her attention stayed with me :D
Which is a good thing I think :D :D :D
Yep yep, I definitely like her already.
I'm seeing her on saturday and we might go up to Sydney for the day or something, should be loads of fun ^_^

On another noteee
(And though it sounds related, it's really not.)
I broke up with T last night.
I've been meaning to for at least the last week now, and thinking about it for longer.
Actually, it was more like 'we' broke up.
Because I wasn't really comfortable with her anymore, and the feelings just weren't there for me.
So I told her to call me to talk and she did.
And we talked about chit chat then it finally came up.
And me, being the indecisive person I am, who has a perpetual fear or hurting peoples feelings, couldn't really articulate what I wanted to say.
I said something along the lines of how it wasn't the same, and I wanted things to be back how they were before we started dating and everything 'cause we just seemed more comfortable with eachother then.
And then she said that she understood what I meant, aaaaaaand!!!
That apparently she's starting to get creeped out with the whole dating-a-girl thing.
*bells ringing, screams of confusion, world ends*
WHAAAAAT?!
Ahh well. There are some things I'll never understand.

So life's pretty great for me right now :)
I'm sleep deprived and overworked at school, almost broke (AGAIN!) and my best friend isn't at school all week because she wanted to work and earn cash instead, hahaha.

But yeah.
I better get ready for school O_O
(I'm writing this now because my internet's been downnn for so long, ackkk I never realized how dependent I was on my sweet, sweet internets XD )

Okay. Wow.
Crush confirmed.
C (girl mentioned in previous entry) is fucking gorgeous.
Wow.
She had a mohawk. But not the typical kind. It was hotter. Lol.
And a lip ring.
I'm still half stunned by how hot she was. Definitely one of the best looking girls I've EVER seen around this craphole of a town.

And she's single. Oooh la la. Hahaha.
Pity her best friend likes me and I don't like her back >_<
Dammit.
Oh well.
This might end up working out extremely well.
Or really bad.
Either way... damn.
I'm not getting over this shock for a few days.
And we spent like 4 hours today just talking and laughing and shit. It was awesome, she's officially the only other dyke I know that
A) smokes
B) does drugs. and loves it.
C) watches the L word
D) willingly rates random people.
E) AND SHE HAS A TICKET TO TEGAN AND SARA CONCERT IN DECEMBER
AND FLOOR TICKETS SOLD OUT
AND THERES ONLY SEAT ONES LEFT
But I think I might end up buying a seat one and somehow crawling/jumping/stabbing my way onto the floor.
Oh man.
Just, wow.

:D
LOL. I hope she's doesnt read this.
Paranoia now :P

=/ =/ =/
I serioussslly need to take a good look at myself + my life :|

I'm always whinging and whining about how I don't know enough available and attractive gay girls, and how I let opportunities slip through my fingers, and it's all doing my head in right now >_<

Met this realllyyy incredibly hot girl who, it turns out, lives here in my town and sometimes about an hour north up in Sydney.
She added me on myspace the other night (Don't laugh :P) and I had a read through her profile and omggggg! We have soo freaking much in common.
Her favourite things are a cigarette and coffee in the morning.
She thinks Katherine Moennig is freakinggg hot. She loves the L word and Loving Annabelle, her profile song is my favourite song :| :|

And the downside to all this you ask?
1. I'm intimidated by her. She's two years older than me (but I don't really care about that) and she's just so...edgey. She likes bodymod and tattoo's and stuff. I'm easily intimidated, once again. Lol.
2. She's best friends with a girl we'll name D. D is also a dyke and last night I found out that she has a massive crush on me. I'm just not really attracted to her, and I know it's vain and bitchy and shallow but my friends all used to joke about her (she's genderqueer, which I think is cool but yeah..) So it'd just be massively awkward for all my close friends to be like WTF?!

Andd I'm going into town today with my ex, to buy a teddy and concert ticket for her girlfriend (they're really cute together, I'm almost jealous, haha) and D is going to be there. So D, my ex and all their friends (they're all really close) are going to treat it as a date or something.
$^%$#(%&)#
I can always bring up the "I've got a girlfriend" card, but I alwaysss flirt with people. I can't help it. And I don't want D to like me any more than she already doessss because I can't handle any unrequited love or more drama's.
But I strangely do have a crush on her friend (the edgey bodymod shane loving one)
And I think she's going to be there today too.
Hmm.

Oh yeah. And she drinks beer.
I personally hate beer, but girls drinking beer always seem to catch my eye. A girl with a cigarette and a beer will make me do a 180, lol.

Well I'm off to get ready I suppose.
Hope you're all fine 'n dandy :) :)

ex's and oh's

I'm not dead.
I've just been busy with exams and going out and stuffs and I havn't really bothered to actually write anything, I have however (and, of course!) been checking oasis daily or almost daily.

I kinda feel creepy right now.
It sounds weird, but I want to seduce someone :S
Which is weird, because despite how I might seem with drugs and drinking and raves and blah blah blah, I'm soooo freaking childish!

It doesn't really come out too much and I guess I hold back alot unless I'm in an intimate conversation or something with just one or two people (it happened on the weekend, I met the two most incredible random and amazing people, they're friends with one of my close friends and one is actually really cute...both straight though, lol)

I can't exactly explain the seduction thing.
Past my childishness and being incredibly shy about my sex life etc when talking to other people, I.. I just really *want* someone.
I loveee chasing girls when I know they like me back, but at the same time I love being chased, its just an exhilarating feeling.

I hooked up (in the aussie meaning of the word) with my friend Tayla though. She has a girlfriend. I have a girlfriend...but mine's open.
I used to have a crush on her, and she used to really like me, and we just spent about 20 minutes flirting sitting on the ground at a playground the other weekend. I was stoned too though, but I knew what I was doing =/
I kind of just took advantage of the situation, and I feel kinda crap about it, but at the same time *she* kissed *me* first. Even though I kissed her back again. ...And again.
I then saw T (my girlfriend) a few hours later =/

I dunno.
I want some incredibly hot gay girl (or even straight and easily seduced orrr..yeah, I feel like such a creep, lol!) to just rock up so I can strike up a conversation. I love the chase...mm.

Well I should probably sleep or something soon, I might try drink a little to put myself to sleep better. I don't really need to but I want to feel tipsy and just... not sober.
Yeah.
Last week of schooooooool XD YAY!

Hugs hugs.
Oh ya, and if you read this, you're freakin determined, haha :)
Much love to ya'll!

Should watch this.
It's inspirational, heartening, and damn catchy, and to say anything else just wouldn't seem adequate.

Ahhhhhhhhh!
So excited!

I've been acting like a freakin' freak all week!
I went to school with shrek ears on and massive glasses (it made me look like a frog, or an insect) and, to make it weirder, I ran around all morning with a light saber, making all the sounds and stuff.

I then continued to wear the ears all day, got threatened with a detention for wearing them, took them off, and put them right back on :P

Today, I stood behind the doors of classrooms, and when people walked in, I blew bubbles everywhere and said "WECOME, TO THE ROOM"!
Then after that got boring I walked through the corridoors blowing bubbles and welcoming people to the corridoor.

Then at lunchtime, we were sitting inside a tunnel/walkway thing (me, jess and christine)
and when people we know walked past, I grabbed onto their leg and hissed like an incredibley angry cat, I don't really know why, lol :D

Tomorrow I'm going to get post-it notes and write "I'M GAY" on them and stick them on my own back.
I wonder if people will tell me that theyre on there, if they do I'll just smile casually and say "I know :)" and see how they react, lol.

BUT!!
TO FRIDAY!
Me and Andrea (my ex-girlfriend whos now in a 6month relationship with my friend, aka my girlfriends ex girlfriend, lol, wow O_O) well, we're going to run through/across the basketball courts at lunchtime (aka infront of about 300-400 girls) weilding either lightsabers or swords+shield, and some kind of costume (I'm wearing a big rainbow hat :D) and we're going to have a massive duel in the middle of the courts.

Why?
Because my school is SOOOOOO BORING!
NOTHING ever happens. I just wanna see peoples reaction, LOL.
And I'm getting one of my other friends to record it on camera.
I can't wait :D
It's gonna be great :D:D:D

Arghhhh
Tomorrow morning me and my friend J are heading to our friend C's house in the morning to get stoned before school.
It's C's first time smoking pot.
It'll definitely be amusing.
:D

Alsoooo
As of tomorrow.
THREE DAYS UNTIL THE WEEKEND!
Which means THREE days until the greatest night of my year!
The greatest friends (+girlfriend :D), greatest drugs, greatest music, lights, sound, people, NIGHT!
Sosososo excited.
No words could possibly describe how excited I am.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! *explodes of excitement and joy :D

On a crappier note:
My mum just called from work.
She wants to spend New Years Eve in Canberra.
I don't have friends in Canberra.
I don't get along with my cousins or extended family.
I don't get along with my mother.

I want to spend that night with my friends.
Half of my friends from school won't be coming back next year, next year I'll be heading into being a Senior (yr 11) with my friends.
I just feel it's kind of sentimental.
I want to spend it with my friends.
Here in this city, or in Sydney (though my parents would never knowingly let me)
I just...Argh.
I don't want to spend it with her.
Okay okay..
I don't want to spend it sober, either.

Oh, and I just remembered I put crush in the title.
Well, there's a girl at my school. Who catches my bus.
And she's friends with one of my semi friends? (idk, this girl P is kinda obsessed with me but...yeah...anyway..)
And I've kindaaa got a crush on her, lol.
I'd at least like to get to know her.
I've got no idea how old she is though.
I know she's in one of the years below me.
Buttt.
That means she's probably one or two years younger than me.
Which I know isn't really much in the bigger picture.
But 16 with a 13/14 year old... well. Yeah. You get the idea.
I've got a girlfriend anyway... though it IS an open relationship...
Hmmm...

*prances off
Much love :)

till i'll feel (as close to genuinely) happy again.
Nine days until I see T next, but for some reason that's not what I'm looking forward to most.
Nine days until I catch a train up to sydney and get utterly stoned for the day.
Nine days until I catch a train to a rave (location not yet announced) and pop one, two, three pills to make me forget all the shit that's running through my mind right now.
Sure, the high might only be a few hours, maybe 10 or 12, but it's worth the anticipation.

Everything in life's been feeling drained lately.
As cliche` as it sounds, the sun doesn't shine as bright as it used to.
The rain doesn't put me to sleep as peacefully as it once did.
I find myself tossing and turning with nightmares and horrid dreams to which I awake at ungodly hours of morn'.

T and I are drifting apart and I know it.
I saw her yesterday and we didn't click. We didn't spark.
We didn't hold hands or kiss or feel 'together' at all.
The weird thing is, I'm not doing anything about it.
Usually in relationships I'm the one that makes all the effort.
I'm the one that cancels previous plans just to spend those few measly but treasured hours with the one I love.
But with her, I can't.
She's always busy. Last weekend she was up in Sydney, right about now she's either in the car, or just arrived at the snow, where she'll stay until monday or tuesday.
Her schedules so full but I keep mine so empty in the hopes of finding that anomaly which allows us to spend that time together.

Its like we fell in love and we've been slowing standing up all this time.
I want to make her fall for me again.
I want her to want to see me as much as I want to see her.
I want her to miss me like I miss her, and I want her to say it, too.
I want to be on her mind like I was before we became "girlfriend and girlfriend".
But I don't know how.
My instability and constant switching between arrogance and self-loathing can only earn me so much sympathy.
I know it's wearing thin and I know I have to do something but I can't think of what, and I can't think of when.
All I know is that in nine days, alot's going to happen.
Not just the drugs, not just the music and dancing and smiles and hugs and lights and laughter.
Not just the feeling of happiness and bliss that I've been starving for for so long.
If nothing changes between me and T in nine days, then I don't think it's ever going to change.
I don't even know what I'm saying right now.
Urgh.

And I think I've got a crush on one of my classmates.
Who I came out to on friday. Which was weird, because I assumed everyone knew I was gay.
Anyway. She's straight, but cool.
I don't even know if I like her like that, she's just one of the kind of people I'd like to get to know a bit better.
So in 16 days, me and Jess are introducing her to the wonders of pot.
Consensual, of course.
:)

I hope you've all had a better few days than I :)
And I hope you all continue doing so, too!

Hugs!

I'm bored so here's a list of my last six months:

Friends lost - 4
Girlfriends gained - 1
Cigarettes smoked - 800+
Joints smoked - 3
Cones smoked - 60+
Bongs made - 5
E's taken - 8
Raves attended - 2
Alcohol consumed 10-15L
Times cried - 10+
Suspensions served - 2
Detentions served - 1
Times caught smoking - 1
Viewed 'Dead Leaves' - 3
Days wagged - 6+
Hours of school missed - 50-60
People kissed - 7?
Shoes bought - 2
Hours spent online - 600+
Letters written to PM - 1
Replies from PM - 1
Taxi's caught - 11
Slept on beach - 1
Slept in random's apartment - 2
Stolen food from Olympic Park at 4:30am - 1
Myspace quizzed filled out - 30+
Myspace quizzes posted - 10+
Minesweeper Wins - 25+
Coffee's consumed - 100-200 cups
Gig's attended - 2
Money spent without parents knowledge - $1500+
Money earned - $0
Money currently in room - $150?
E's currently in room - 1
Saddys of weed currently in room - 2-3
Bongs currently in room - 1
Condoms currently in room - 2
Had sex - 0
Sushi eaten - 4-5 rolls
Trains caught - 40+
Sudoku's solved - 3
Stuffed toys lost - 2
Dummies chewed up - 4-5

Ehh.
This had ceased to be amusing =[
Looking back on that list, I'm not sure whether to be proud, ashamed, disappointed, suprised or just...yeah.
:S

Much love <3

Okay so, I've decided.
I'm either going to wear a tux (or similar) to my formal in December, or just not go at all.
I refuse to attend in a dress.
And I think it's utterly stupid that we're not allowed to bring girls, regardless of whether they're friends/girlfriends/sisters/whatever!

So, to the help part.
How does one go about finding a tuxedo that would look alright on a girl?
I've got a fairly boyish figure, and I'm not really curvaceous, so perhaps I could pull of a mens one, but yeah.

Any ideas? Tips? Advice in general?
This is working out to be more difficult than I thought.
Eeep. Haha.

ZACH DIDN'T WINNNNNN =[

GAH!
He would've been the first intruder to ever win.
And the first gay boy (or girl for that matter)
AAAAND
He's simply ADORABLE.
*melts

Awwww.
Everyone on myspace is going nuts.
About how "ZOMFG ZACH SHOULDVE WON WTF LETS SUE!"
It's kinda funny.
But I still liked Aleisha.
She was cute =] And happy and funny and cute XD

Ah well.
I'm gonna go to bed now ^_^
And T just txt'd me saying that she lovesssss meee
*melts....again ^_^
Ahhh.
Life's not too bad these days.

Oh, and lol at i went to school stoned today.
It was hilarious. For me and two of my friends.
Noone else had a clue.
Ahh, highschool.
:D

Goodnight everyone XD
Hope you all have sweet dreams and sleep well! =]
*hugs all 'round