I just got done reading Smack. It’s a really good book but its made me think way too much. I know its not the point the author was trying to make but I want to... chase the dragon. Just once to see what its like and go. Just go somewhere for a while, meet new people, live. I know I shouldn't, I mean I've got a roof over my head. My mum, my animals, a job, an abusive person who claims to love my mum. But other than him I've got it good. Except I don't know who I am, I'm so bored with myself and my life I feel burnt out all ready and I haven’t even done anything. I'm eighteen years old for Anubis's sake I have many years before me but I feel like I've let too many years slide away without meaning.
I need to make mistakes and learn from them. There is so much to learn and I'm afraid I'm running out of time. I really just don't know. I need to get away from everything. I want my brother to come with me, and he wants to come with me too but he can't. He's tied down by money, debts. Its taken over his life and all he can do is cope. But now that he's moved back home he can barely do that. It isn't his fault though, it’s the other persons, the one we both hate. Recently I had decided to give up my hatred towards the man but I can't . I can pretend, I can be nice to him, but always in the back of my mind there’s a huge fire of anger that no amount of time will douse.
I need a vacation from this existence.
[Jinx]

Thank you to everyone because your all so flipping nice!! But no time to write so comments and such will come later.
kisses
Katie

Okay. So far I've just been writing to write and that’s all fine but I need a little push with this. How would I go about finding a GLBT teen center close to me? I've been trying to look on the internet but it hasn't helped at all. I've only found results in New York and such. I found one in Hillcrest which is only in downtown SD but there was no address or number.

Then if/when I do find one I'm so scared about going. I'm really really almost painfully shy when meeting people and I am not a talker. You really have to spark my interest to get much out of me. I pretty much don't know what to do with myself in social situations. Now with writing I'm good, I can talk away over the computer or through letters and notes and think nothing of it.

While on the subject of being shy my mum found a drama class my school is offering. I really really really want to take it but being as timid as I am I have a hard time coming out of my shell and giving my heart to participating. I love acting so much and I get so frustrated that I can't just let myself out and be the crazy, un-caring, girl I am when I'm with my family and close friends.

Onto a different subject, I'm watching true life and there is a black girl on the telly who had a problem being black. It was really weird and I'm so glad I don't act like her. My grandfather was black so I am black, but you can't really tell. Actually most people can't figure out what I am so it doesn't really come up often. I don't know if that little spiel offended anyone but I want to make it clear that I wasn't bashing anyone. I don't care what color people are, people are people and that’s it.

Well I hadn't meant to write so much but there we go.

Post Script:
I really want to dye my hair blue and purple but the hairdresser says she doesn't want to do it because of all the stuff I've done to my hair in the past months when I couldn't see her and wanted to get rid of my black hair. =/

First time ever playing Kingdom Hearts and I must say its fun. Although A long time ago my mum spilled soda on my controller so the buttons keep sticking so I'm getting angry at it. I kept trying to hit the little shadow thingys and nothing would happen. Since I tend to throw things when I get mad I am now watching Rent, with my cats.

I absolutely love cats, and dogs, and horses come to think of it but the cats are the only ones allowed in the house. I have five total in the house and two outside. My three children are all orange tabbies I bottle fed so their very affectionate and love to cuddle. There are two boys and a girl, Noah, Rex, and Baby cat. Then the two others are Angel(a tortoise shell) and Stormy(grey and white patches with dark gray stripes in the light gray). Stormy is my brothers cat but she makes too much noise when hes sleeping or something so I've adopted her.

Anime! ^ ^,
I want suggestions please, are there any good Yuri ones floating around?
I haven’t actually looked yet but I will get to it. I all ready have a nice long list of regular books I need to get.

I am off to get something to drink.
Have a good night everyone.

With a little bit of past history thrown in the mix.

So today I went and saw one of my friends who I haven’t seen in about a month because of my job (I work full time at a Feed and tack store). First thing I did was tell her I'm a lesbian. She cooed at me, said how cute, and hugged me. Not the reaction I expected at the time but now that I think about it she probably wasn't surprised. For the year we've know each other I've never had a crush on a boy. Also while going through months of crushing on one of our friends (who is bi and I will call S.) I cried on her shoulder many of times. It wasn't that I liked S. that bothered me , it was how she kept running me in circles and took advantage of how strong my crush was. Basically she would hold hands with me, cuddle, and kiss, say she didn't want a relationship then repeat all over again for three months until one day her ex boyfriend came back into the picture, they got back together and I was finally told she had never liked me that way. Needless to we don't talk anymore.

I had to take the CAHSEE math exam. Which I think is pointless and if I don't pass it soon I won't be able to graduate or something like that. I think I just won't get my diploma but I'm not sure. This is the sixth time I've taken it. Math is an alien language to me, I know words and art and language not math. First time taking the English portion I passed with a high score so I don't have to worry about that thankfully.

Magazine wallpaper all the old stuff has been taken down and tomorrow I'll tape up my new ads. Their all from Vogue, and all of girls. I'm hoping my mum doesn't think anything of it because she has in past conversations expressed how horrid it would be if one of her children turned out to be gay. I hope over time she'll change her mind because I love her and don't want to make her life worse. Not that it is bad, I just couldn't think of another word. I'm rather tired actually so I guess I am off to bed. I have to work early, so I have to get up early enough to water the horses and catch a ride with my mum to work.

Night. =]

post script:
I caught this movie near the end but I liked it. I was a little jealous because the main character got the girl and I want a girlfriend something fierce.
Its called D.E.B.S
Anyone else seen it?

That is how I feel about myself right now. I hid my sexuality from myself, sewed it up then covered that with a nice band aid of denial.
After four days of lurking on this site I finally got my e-mail so I could log in. I just wrote this really long entry and stupid me forgot to save it somewhere else in case the page c hanged or something. So I am starting the whole thing over. Its very frustrating but what can you do.
Anyway last night I found my old journal, a paper one, from two years ago.
As I read through it I couldn't believe how much angst I was filled with, and how much I have changed in those two short years. Okay maybe two years isn't that short but time is not something I understand. It speeds up and slows down and just completely blows me away and sometimes I don't even notice it. I very rarely know what day it is either but its all good.
Getting back to my journal I wanted so badly just to end it all, just swipe that blade across my wrists and be done with it. I was so confused about my sexuality and hopelessly in love with my very straight best friend with no one to talk to about it.
Now I don't want to die. I'm very glad whatever kept me from going through it because there is so much I still want to know about. I can't comprehend how I got through that but I did. Actually I hate to say it but cutting was probably how I kept myself from doing something stupid. I don't do it anymore. I'm really proud of myself for that. Its been about eight months since the last time and when I realized that I was, and am, stronger than that.
My freshman year of high school, I'm a senior now, I came out to all of my friends that I was bisexual but I am pretty sure now that it wasn't true. I like girls and... that’s it.
I have had one serious relationship, it was only for two months but I fancied myself in love with the boy I was . Even though I thought I was in love with him, I felt nothing when we kissed, and the thought of sleeping together never even crossed my mind.
Now I've had a few short relationships. shortest was one day =p, all with boys and they all felt empty. The last one, which ended months ago, I realized that it feels wrong kissing a boy, its almost like I was disgusted with myself. The few kisses I have had with girls, were everything I had expected and so much more.
So I guess I'm not in denial anymore. I really wasn’t last night either, but I tried to come out to my brother and I couldn't. I got so nervous, my heart fluttered so hard I could feel it and in the end I didn't. I tried to get it out but it just wouldn't come. I did give him what I'm sure are a few good hints but he won't push it until I actually say what I'm trying to say. He's really cool like that, and I know he won't judge me, or hate me or feel any different towards me but I can't help being afraid.
Well someday I'll tell him, maybe soon. I think I just need time to adjust myself before I can tell anyone else.
Well I think this entry was longer than the last one but I love to write, and it helps me come to terms with things. I must go get ready for work so good day to everyone.