Okay. So I'm pretty much the happiest I've been in a really long time.

A.) Today was our softball awards banquet. Now, the last time I talked about softball, I was pretty unsure about my future. Finally, I got moved up to varsity because we had some ineligible players with F's at midquarter, so I held down third base for us for a while. Then, unexpectedly, our varsity catcher dislocated her throwing shoulder, and I got called up to catch. I was the varsity starter at catcher for our last thirteen games and was pretty proud of myself. All in all, there were only three innings of the entire varsity season in which I didn't play. Not bad for someone who wasn't even on varsity at the beginning of the year, huh? :)

Anyway, at our banquet, our coach came up and talked about all of us individually. When he talked about me, he said, "Now, this girl wasn't even on varsity at the first part of this year, and I was kind of unsure about her--but did she prove me wrong!" I was beaming awkwardly, because the sun was shining right in my eyes, but I made a fairly decent effort to convey my appreciation. Then talk turned to all-league teams. We didn't get anyone on first or second team because...well, frankly, our record wasn't too good, and I'm going to save some pride by not telling it here. Heh. And not to mention, we have a big league in a big city that's kind of a softball haven--we normally get two or three teams to go to 4A state, and at least one to go to 3A state. But we got two people for honorable mention. One of them was a senior, who everyone knew had to get some recognition, because we all knew she was the best player on the team. And the second one was me.

Frankly, I was shocked. I had NO CLUE that it was coming, seriously. So I'm an honorable mention all-league player in a really good league, and I'm only a sophomore. I still am pretty proud of myself.

B.) Tommorow I'm going to a school play with a girl that I really enjoy, and I'm almost sure it's a date (she said so).

C.) My sixteenth birthday is Sunday--whoo!

So basically, I had a good day :D

I think today I experienced the very first slightly homophobic reaction directed right at me, to my face, ever. I know what you're thinking--fifteen years is a miraculous amount of time to go without any semblance of homophobia, but I'm not counting "jokes" or coughed whispers of "dyke" (if you're trying to insult me, at least say it to my face...maybe because I'm such a 'dyke', they're scared of me?).

So, we had to do a really big research paper for my English class, in which we had to choose a question and attempt to answer it. My question was, "Does sexuality exist on a spectrum?" (as in the Kinsey Scale, etc). Well, along with writing the paper, we also had to make a presentation to the rest of the class explaining our topic and the answer we found out. I chose to make a Powerpoint, and my presentation went surprisingly smoothly, until the end when there was the opportunity for the other people to ask questions. That was when this smarmy kid raised his hand and said, really obnoxiously, "So, why did YOU choose THIS topic?" I'll admit I froze a bit. Then I thought, 'You utter bastard! You're trying to bait me!' Then I had to decide what to do.

Did I triumphantly out myself to my entire english class? Did I make some coy quip like a Veronica Mars-esque, "I'm curious"? No, I blathered some utter bullshit about "Well, um, I have a lot of bisexual friends, so I just wanted to know more..." True, yeah, but not the entire truth. Now I really think I should've said something like, "I wanted to understand myself better," or something along those lines. Something that I could've been proud (pun only intended a little bit) of. Oh well--anyone who gets to know me knows how inherently queer I am.

This also goes for softball. I think I've pretty much clawed my way into keeping a varsity spot for a while. I've been playing a lot and hitting really high up in the lineup, so I think that bodes well. Unfortunately, we're 0-4 (no wins, four losses), but...we're hanging in there. To go with what I was saying above, I also think the entire team pretty much knows I'm gay now, although the circumstances thereof are really funny.

See, my friend had a party on the day of one of our games to which she urged me to come, straight from my game, all sweaty and dirty and everything (my friends really love me). So after the game ended, on the bus ride back, I tried to call her and let her know that we were on the way...

Me: Heeey! We're on the bus on the way home now.
Friend: Awesome! It'll be so cool to have you here.
(My teammates notice that I'm talking on the phone with a happy expression and tone of voice)
Teammates: Ooooh, girl, who're you talking to, your boyfriend?
Me: (covers the receiver) She's my GIRLFRIEND! *pause* I mean, she's my girl, space, friend...

Alas, it was too late. (I don't know if knowing that the friend above happens to be my ex-girlfriend makes that more or less amusing.)Although since I'm one of the younger people on the team, I get teased at all the time anyway, so I shake it off. I need to go eat dinner and sleep to be in the best form I can to help break this 4-game losing skid. Laters!

If you read my last entry, you know that on my school softball team, I'm floating between JV/varsity. Well, due to certain unforeseen events, like a few people quitting and a LOT of academic ineligibilities...guess who's STARTING for the varsity at third base at our first game tommorow?

That's right--yours truly.

And basically, I'm really nervous right now. Well...I don't have the sort of stabbing, breath-shortening nerves that I tend to get right before I have to speak in public or go on an escalator or something of that sort, but it's this sort of clenching, pulsating ball right around my diaphragm. I basically really don't want to screw up, because if I play well tommorow, then I'll seriously be considered for a permanent move up to varsity, instead of just being in my little limbo between two teams.

I guess I just felt like posting this because...hey, I'm gay, I play softball, right? :) Even if my school has pretty much the straightest team around--and for that matter, softball really isn't the "lesbian" sport anymore. Well, fastpitch softball isn't--it's the sport for tough girls who wear makeup, don't care about breaking nails, and have boyfriends. (That was a joke. Please don't throw tomatoes at me.) I just like going out and playing, and playing well, and thinking, "Oh yeah--and I'm gay! Represent!" So yeah, I'm a dork. But I mean well, guys. I'll try and hit a home run for you all. :D

So, being the tomboy I am, I play softball. I like to think that I'm good at at it. Initially I got put on JV, which was a lot more okay than I thought it would end up being, because the coach is awesome, and she promised me team captaincy, choice of seriously any position I wanted to play, whenever I wanted to play it, and cleanup-3rd spot in the lineup. It's pretty much the sweetest deal I've ever had, all things considered.

However, we have our practice game Saturday, where we go around playing other schools, and apparently the varsity is short on numbers. So I'm going to be practicing with the varsity for the rest of the week, along with two other girls. So basically it's like another tryout, because rumor has it that one of the three gets to stay with the team. I'm so nervous about it all (not half in part because the girl I've been majorly crushing on for about two years now is easily the best player on varsity :P). Wish me luck, guys!

Goddamn, I'm sore from sprinting around downtown--eight city blocks, jaywalking, running down the middle of a city street, the wrong way--four times, without warming up.

I'm disappointed that we couldn't find my friend's boyfriend, forget all the searching that we did, at all, for midnight.

Hey, I'm dejected that I never got a chance to kiss my anyone--rather, I had my chance but passed it up, thinking there'd be more.

But.

BUT.

I know my soreness is for a reason, and I helped a friend--or at least, I gave it my absolute all. I tried as hard as I could, and I have no regrets.

I know that I treasure my friends, for sure, and that we rock SO hard, and know how to stick together.

So it's bittersweet.

But so is life!

HAPPY NEW YEAR to all of you, and a toast to life, love, and elation!

Awkward moment: Commenting to your crush that you have so much random crap in your pockets you need to clean out.
More Awkward: Crush reaches in your pocket jokingly and retrieves the condom you received for World AIDS Day.
Even More Awkward: You're 15.
Clincher: You're both girls.

At our GSA today, our very fabulously gay president, Dani, led the introductions, but then when it was the turn of our advisor, Mr. J., to give his name, sign, and age, he got us on track with the significance of today to the community. He read some sobering statistics on AIDS from the paper, new as of November of this year. Mr. J. is gay, so he told us some stories about people he knew with HIV, and friends of his who had died from AIDS. But then he went on to ask, "But is AIDS just a gay disease? Is that true?"

Everyone: (variations of "no")
Dani: Come on now. Is it true, or is it a load of crap!
Everyone: Not true, no.
Dani: Come on, everyone, say it with me! Load of CRAP!
Everyone: LOAD OF CRAP!
Margot (our VP): Gays fight back!

Once upon a time I had a discussion with a notorious, skilled but conservative debater named Luke. It was basically about gay rights, and Luke said that there was a higher rate of disease amongst homosexual people. The whole thing culminated in me screaming about how lesbians would have a really hard time giving each other AIDS, almost elaborating on the few circumstances that would make it possible, but thankfully cutting myself off.

On another note, I've lurked on this site for about--a year and a half?--and I'm just now coming around to posting about my happy queer little life. So...hi everyone!