I am feeling so good right now. I mean, I finally have a crush on someone who -- as far as I can tell -- is gay. I eman, my gaydar is still developing, either that or I just don't have a very strong one at all... but she seems... lesbian. You know what I mean? Not to mention the first time I had a conversation with her. She and her friend were debating whether homosexuality was a choice or not. And her friend asked me what I thought. I said I thought it was either genetic or somehting that developes in the foetal stage, and my wonderful crush agreed. So, if she isn't les or bi, she defeinately supports it. She was reading the book Boy Meets Boy; my first period teacher announced in front of the class that it was overdue, and her face went red as everyone laughed and snickered. I had this raging desire to yell at them all. I held back. Damn...

I just got the book Keeping You A Secret, by Julie Anne Peters. I've been itching to read it all week, and I finally bought it last night. As soon as I got back from the mall, I tore into it, and didn't put it down at all until I finished it. It took me 7 hours; by 2 in the morning I was so tired that I was probably read 2 words every 5 seconds. I remember checking the time; it was 12:46. When I finally closed the book, feeling both satisfied and empty at the same time (I wanted it to keep going on forveer), it was already 3 am. I hadn't stayed up so late in a few weeks, and I wasn't even that tired. It took me a long time to fall asleep. I kept thinking about that book, and about how it related to my own life.

Love is Pain

I will never understand why this has to be.
This torment is driving me insane.
Your words hold me tied like a straight jacket;
Your eyes imprison me; I'm lost in a padded room.
You're tearing my heart out and making me lose my mind,
Just end this torture.

Love is insane
The ultimate shame
I'll never be the same,
I'll never be the same...
Love is pain.

I went to work right after school today. I was feeling shitty still, because just as I expected my crush wasn't here today, and when I called her after school the conversation was...awkward. I think she'd read my email telling her all about my feelings for her.

Anyway. I was going to get a ride home from work from my mom, but she had a meeting until about 9 and i finished at 8. I went to the mall for an hour and wandered around. eventually, she called me, and said she'd be waiting outside the theatre. I stood there for a few minuites. A red SUV rolled up. I figured it was some mother waiting for her kid. nothing that concerned me at all... My cell rang again; it was my mom. She said she was waiting for me. I asked where. She said "In front of you." I looked around the whole lot, for the old, ugly, purple van, that rattled and shook and had to go to the garage ever week to be 'fixed'. The van was no where to be seen, but in the corner of my eye, I saw this hand waving ecstacically at me from inside the red SUV.

I finally got the metaphorical balls to tell my crush that I like her. Well. I'm in love with her. But I kind of skipped that little fact. I just told her that a) I'm a lesbian, and that I don't want that fact to ruin our friendship; and b) that I like her, and that I don't want her oppinion of me to change because of it. It was a really, really long email. I guess I just summed it up in one or two sentences. I forget how many.

Yup. I just feel like whining about my current single-ness. Again. I haven't seen her today. she has the flu. It's not like I haven't seen her enough lately though. I spent the whole weekend at her place, minus the 4 hours spent at work Saturday night.

There were times I could have sworn she wanted to kiss me. I'm starting to think it's just my imagination though, it never happens. And I'm too much of a pussy to kiss her. Or even tell her that I have such strong feelings for her. God she's beautiful though. And damn her boyfriend. Just because he's allowed to love her. He's never around anyway, I've never even met the guy. Sure, he's gotta run from the cops, or some other gang, or whatever the fuck he's hiding from. That's no exucuse, I'd visit my girlfriend every day, as long as she wanted me there.

Maaaan this sucks. We were standing behind the place which I shouldn't mention the name of today at lunch, getting baked, like, 12 of us, and all the sudden a cop drives up, takes this guy's bong, and all the weed in it, and tells us never to come back. He said those of us who are 16 or over could get a ticket, but, i guess he just wanted to take our pot and smoke it himself rather nthan write up a report and have it destroyed. jerk. I guess i should be thankful, I'd probably get kicked out if my parents had to pay a ticket for me smoking pot on private property. Hah. Well then I'd go live with Caitlyn or Eric. Or Teri! man, i could get high every day in glencoe!

It's 9:30 at night, and I've been sitting here infront of this computer all evening. Why? Because I felt like coming home tonight to actually do my homework. My friend was talking to me on MSN, and told me to join this RPG thing called Maple Story. So I downloaded it jsut to try it. And now it won't let me even open it, so that was a waste of time. I babbled on Myspace and Piczo a bit, and decided Piczo is a useless waste of perfectly good cyber space. I don't know why my friend is obsessed with it, it makes no sense to me what-so-ever.