I haven't gone to group much in the past while. Not since that stuff with Britt happened. Britt being my ex, I don't know if I've mentioned her. Not much happened between us. Not much of a break-up dispute either. We're still pals.

Mind you, that crush on my friend Caitlyn I had until around Christmas is coming back to bite me in the ass. I have no feelings for her anymore, I can't even imagine being with her without feeling a little awkward. And recently I've been feeling bitter towards her because of how she screwed around with my emotions so much. She may not have meant to, but I was so fucking confused and depressed because of her.

I just found out today she likes me.

She was tlaking to my friend/new majot crush Sylvia on MSN last ngiht and I heard word that they were talking about me. Sylvia mentioned she jsut heard some juicy gossip about me and someone else. so today, I asked Sylvia what it was about. And she freaked out, wanting so badly to tell me, but couldn't because she'd sworn to secrecy, and couldn't tell -me-. So she made a deal with my friend Luke; she'd tell him, and he'd tell me.

My friends are strange, I know. Luke took forever to finally say it, and I already had a gut feeling what it was... Sylvia said I'd be happy and that it was good news. Luke told me Caitlyn likes me. Sylvia suddenly got all cheery until she saw my face.

And asked why I'm not happy about it.

I couldn't say it. I'm a little pissed at Caitlyn for the way she screwed me around. She took too long to find out how she felt about me. And aside from that... I'm stuck on Sylvia. She knows it too. I guess she figured that if I knew Caitlyn like dme I'd date her, and forget about my Sylvia-crush. Cuz she's dating a boy right now, even though Caitlyn had recently told me Sylvia kind of likes me too.

Anyway. There's a fucking line-up for Sylvia, every straight man and every gay girl wants her. caitlyn is lined up for a bunch of guys, for weeks she's been crushing on one guy and has been pretty annoying about it. She threatened that one day she might not be here anymore because he wouldn't date her. Then she'd say, "Oh well, there's still Tyson, and Justin, and some other guy, and some other guy. and blah blah blah."

And me... I really don't want a relationship right now. Not with just anyone.
There's only one girl I want to be with. And I'll probably never be with her.
I don't care about anyone else and I just don't want a relationship badly enough to just date anyone.
It's Sylvia or no one. Pretty much. That's not to say I'm waiting for her to become single and want me. I mean. I am, in a small way, but honestly. I just want to stay single. I want to commit to my friends only. They'll always be there for me; a girlfriend won't.

Relationships aren't what makes the world turn. They aren't the purpose of life.
The meaning of life is just to live. So why burry all your hopes and dreams in something so unstable as a relationship? Something so ridiculous and trivial as a crush?

Okay so basically in the past like month since I've been on this site:

1) I started going to Open Closet, a group for gay teens that meets downtown
2) Came out to my parents
3) Was brought out by my aunt (she kida randomly called and asked if I'm a lesbian.)
4) Went to a party and got hammered and made out with a cool chick I met at Open Closet
5) Came out to some old friends I haven't seen in ages
6)Discovered that my friends and family are fortunately very accepting and that I'm lucky.

Yay!

So tomorrow is Christmas. I don't know about anyone else, but this holiday season has seemed so slack. I mean, even my mom is lazy about decorating. We hardly did anything. My friends all think the same thing. It just doesn't feel like the holiday season this year.

I even felt a little depressed today, actually. I had been invited to my friend Caitlyn's for part of Christmas Eve weeks ago. I'd been looking forward to spending some of my holiday with her. And my goal for today was to kiss her. Again. And actually make someting of it. Actually tell her how much I like her, and end up with a new relationship. Phah. So much for that. I ended up wanting to be alone. Then I left early. I don't really know what was wrong. I just suddenly started thinking about my future. I mean, to the point where I even wondered if dating her would be worth it.

I thought about how I might jsut drop out at 18, move to Toronto and start an apprenticeship as a tattoo artist, and get my bartending licence. I scrapped that idea and figured I'd take an extra year in high school, taking courses I actually want and need to take. Then move to TO and start an apprenticeship while attending college for art, and maybe literature, like university prep courses and stuff.

Then I thought about the mean time, like the next couple of years. I want to start boxing. I'd need to work out to get into shape. Five months of smoking alone have left me pretty breathless, not to mention the lack of gym class. I quit smoking and I'm taking fitness next semester. So. Maybe that'll help. But today, I felt like I just wanted to go home and go for a run, or seclude myself to my room and do situps and shit. I don't know why but I was really feeling shitty today. Course, I'm so lazy. When I got home I just sat around listening to music. Shame.

I just want to change my life. I hardly know who I am, or where I'm headed, but I think the only way to figure my life out is to actually do something. Unfortunately, I've been so bored my whole life that I don't even know where to start. I guess that's the first thing I should do though. Get a job, so I can pay the 80 dollar monthly charge to use the dojo a few blocks away. Spend all my time working and working out. I need time to myself now; I just need to think, to figure myself out. Besides, I hate crowds and attention. I don't need to socialize that much. I've been doing that too much already this year and I feel so unorganized because of it.

what do you guys think?

I was bored and started by drawing a clock, then another clock, and another clock, and another, and then i realized two of them made a face! So I gave the face a cigarette, and then true to my lesbian pride I added a couple random venus symbols. I finished it by colouring it using only the colours of the rainbow, and called it "Goolge" because at the time, my lesbian crush was trying to type 'google.ca' into the search bar and ended up typing goolge, and it sounded like a cool word. I pronounce it 'gool-gay'.

Today was great. I actually did something fun for once. My buddy Luke and I both needed to go to a candy store (Like bulk barrel for example) for our second period class. So since I needed to get a new hoody or two, well, not 'need' so much as want... anyway. I asked him if he wanted to come to the mall with me and Caitlyn. And this was the first time we ever hung out outside of school, so that's why I'm explaining the event of going to the mall with this guy.

Anyway, well, Luke is gay, of course. Anyway. We found the calendar stand in the mall and I started looking at the hot half-naked girl calendars. I never used to feel comfortable looking at them, because you know, I was looking at a half-naked woman and not only was I barely pubescent but I was all, "I'm not gay, that's gross." It felt great to look at those skanky girls advertising their gorgeous bodies for money. Then Luke saw the half naked cowboy calendars and was all like, "Oooh, he's sexy!" and stuff and he reminded me of my friend's mom. And it was cute. Then I realized I was doing the same thing except with my own gender, hehe. and I was like, "Wow, I'm the girl and I'm looking at male porn, and you're the guy looking at female porn! this is COOL!" It just kinda hit me for the first time that we're both gay but the opposit gender. It was a strange epiphany and I liked it.

Then Caitlyn was just standing there all like, Okay... I don';t think she really knew what to do.

And there was this gay couple -- I swear they were gay, they had that... gayness about them and they were together, right? anyway, they were selling this straightener in a stand, and well, other stuff I didn't concentrate on. And the one guy with the long hair and the foreign accent did a demo of a curling iron/straighter in one, and he was like, "Your hair is naturally wavey, yes?" and i was like, yeah, so he said, "Well, I'll make it curly for you." and he did, I just wanted a couple strands at the front, I didn't want to sit there for an hour because I had things to buy. But it looked great!! And he said it was $140, down from the original price of $250. I was like, "Wow, I only need 90 more dollars..." so he wrote a note and told me to come back with it when I have the money and I could get it for the sale price still! I love him. He's like, my new favourite hair stylist. He might not be gay though, I shouldn't just assume that.

Anyway. After I got my amazing two hoodies for 40 dollars (It was still that buy 1 get one free deal, I LOVE Randy River for their sales) we hit the DDR dance pad. Silver City's dance pas is a little overused, so the one on the left doesn't work so well. And by the time we were done, the right one was lagging a little too... it was a fun night...

Luke met my mommy and daddy tonight too. I had to stop off at home to pick up my stuff to stay at Caitlyn's, and they started playing my nanna's old baby grand. Anywayz. Yeah. So I went onto MSN and Myspace at Caitlyn's and my little 12-year-old cousin commented me and was all like, YOUR A LESBIAN? GBDSGDUIBGERVHUDBVC BHBN" and like freaked out, and I was just like, yeah, I am. Then she was like, "WTF is wrong with you?" and I said the same thing back, and basically she acted like I was some gross thing, at one point she told me to stay the fuck away, even though I never see her anyway since she lives far away. I don't really care. even if she tells my other relatives, the only two I really care about are my Aunt Nancy and maybe my cousin Sarah, because like, we're the same age, we've kind of grown up together, it would be nice to have a decent relationship with at least one of my cousins. And we get along pretty well. I don't think either my aunt or Sarah will really make a big deal of it. the others might like, avoid me. I dunno, maybe sarah too. It doesn't really bother me though. I mean, I rarely ever see that part of my family. My mom's side I mean. I know my dad's side would hate me, they're like, all very religious Ukrainian Catholics, and pretty much all of them are very conservative. I know the ones who matter to me will get used to it.

But I even said this to my ignorant little cousin Holly, if my family abandons me because of my sexuality, then it's their loss. I have friends who pretty much are my family, and they all know about me. They support me and love me nonetheless.

I guess, I just wanted to say my day was entirely great. I'll even go as far as saying school was fun. Having my cousin find out and act like that really got a lot of stress off my back. Now my family will know, and they can decide for themselves how important my life is to them. The cat's completely out of the bag, the dyke's completely out of the closet, and the truth feels great!

I got to witness another fight between best friend and guardian. I've seen my other best friend, Teri, get in shit by her gramma and dad. A few times. Once I even got in shit with her. It was scary. I mean, we were standing in the middle of main street, glenoce. The only vehicle in the road was her dad's, when he found us. I may have taken a swig of whiskey from a guy i didn't know, but it was in a 7up bottle and her dad wasn't around then. he never knew about that. all he knew was that we were standing in the middle of an empty road with boys at night. oooooh so bad. and i cried when we got yelled at. i've never been yelled at by them. then her dad hugged me because i was crying.

Anyway. Point of this post. I got to see Caitlyn's mom really bitch at her for the first time. Almost every time I go there she gets annoyed with her for small things, like if she forgets to take the dog out for a poo, she'll get annoyed. I can understand that. But...Caitlyn takes it so seriously... I mean, I know she's probably really stressed out and that's why, but she says she takes so much crap from her mom. Then tonight... she really got mad at her. Caitlyn was almost in tears, and I just wanted to cry myself. I hate seeing my friends like that. But when it was just her mom and i, she said she didn't get mad at her that often. I mean, I guess Caitlyn takes those minor annoynces of her mom's as getting yelled at.

Anyway. I basically got stuck in the middle of another family war. Same as at teri's. I understood her mom's side of the story, but I also understand everything Caitlyn is feeling. I always just stand there, looking pathetic and wanting to hold my friend, be it Teri, or Caitlyn. I want to let them cry on my shoulder, but I just stand there.

The same thing happens with me I guess. When i feel my parents are treating me unfairly, I just let it build up for a long time until I get so pissed off that I just lose it. We get in a huge argument, and no matter how much I try to support my side, I always realize that my parents are right. They do have a point, and I understand where they're coming from. I still know what I wanted and why, and have very logical explainations, but I can't say them. Eventually I just give in and agree with them. My problem is, I allow myself to see both sides of an argument. The truth is, no one is right and no one is wrong. The kid is stressed out, wants something different, or feels like the parent is being too hard on them. The parent doesn't understand why, doesn't understand what they're doing to make their kid feel that way. They have their own logical reasons for doing it, but the kid doesn't always see that. So, a fight erupts. And usually, no one wins.

I hate being the middle ground. I hate being able to see both oppinions and respect them both. I know it's good to have a third party to see those things, but why me? It gets confusing, because I never know what side to support. I never know if I should take my friends hand and support her, or if I should lay off and let their parent do the job. I think that if I step in, her mother will think I'm against her, when I'm not. I just don't want to see my best friend cry.

I just hope she will be at school tomorrow. she's almost never at school anymore. I'm starting to get used to that. I mean, it's not like I never see her. But she;'s grounded for two weeks. She said it doesn't matter, that her mom can't do anything and that she can come over to my place. But... As much as i want her to, I don't want her to. I don;t want her to ruin her relationship with her mother even more. i don't want her mother to lose trust in me. I don't want caitlyn's punishment to get even worse. I want to tell her to just wait out the two weeks so her mother will trust her again, so they might not fight as much, but. I don't know. I just feel like it isn't my place. I feel like a lousy friend that way. I'm just... insecure I guess. I can't ever make up my mind, and I never feel like it's my place to try and help someone, no matter how much i want to. Even though I'd probably run away with her if she ever tried to run. Hell, I'd commit suicide if anything ever happened to her. I don't know why, but I feel like my life won't be a life without her. It isn't just love. It's more than a crush I have on a school friend. It feels so much more than that. Sometimes I feel like it's a sisterly bond. Some kind of connection that can't ever break. I feel like I need to protect her. To be by her side always, you know? I don;t know why. It's not some conscious decision I've made. It just... is.

I got jealous today. This guy from school followed me to her place. He's cool, I've never hung out with him before last night, for about 20 minutes while he waited with me for my brother to pick me up from this school thing. he's a nice guy and all. But... he got a little physical with caitlyn. He was just playing around; he has these really, really, REALLY long nails, and he does this amazing thing where he runs them along your arm, or legs, or wherever there is bare skin. Your face even. And it feels GREAT. I didn't erally get turned on by it, it wasn;t that great. Men can't turn me on, no matter how much they try... Anyway. Caitlyn put on a short skirt at one point, and he started doing that to her leg. And... Yeah. I don;'t know what came over me but I suddenly moved in a lot closer to her and kind of... glared at him ever chance I got. Eventually she told him it's uncomfortable and he stopped, but... I didn't mean to, I seriously didn't mean to, but I was jealous. Almost territorial, and I'm not even dating her. i'm afraid I actually am the jealous type, and I...don't want to be. I've never done that before. He even put me on the spot by telling me I'm being very territorial. I didnt say anything... I just turned away and looked at the TV for a few seconds. I couldn't think of anything to say. I would have said "I am not", but I couldn't... because I realized I was.

I'm starting to realize the characteristics I actually have. I mean, over the past few years I've been discovering little personailty traits here and there, but lately... it's like I've discovered a whole new personality. I've learned things about myself I never knew were possible. And I...don't really like all of it. the whole confidence and gay pride thing I love. I love being able to walk up to anyone and start a conversation. I love meeting new people. It's something I've never experienced before, I mean, after growing up so insecure and thinking everyone around me was scrutinizing me. but... realizing that I am a bit of a pussy when it comes to emotions, that I'm always the middle ground in a fight, that I keep so many feelings stored up inside, and of course, that I'm jealous as hell... I don't really know if I completely like who I am. And I don't really know how to change those things, or if I can...

So, I decided to use that Nair hair removal cream yesterday. I mean, every girl has facial hair, mind you it's usually blond, and unnoticable. But I didn't want it. Body hair bugs me. Everyone who knows me knows I shave every inch of my body except my head and my eyebrows, and well, a small area 'down there'. Anyway... I decided I was going to start making my face 100% hairless.

Bad idea.

I'm allergic to the cream.

Now my face is all red and blotchy and it looks like I have acne to the max. my cover up works, a bit, but my face feels sooo... rough! And gross! and the cover up makes it all scabby. It doesn't look gross... my face only looks a little redder than normal... but when I rub my cheek... IT'S DISGUSTING O_O

It messed my eyebrows up somehow, too. I didn't like, wipe the stuff over them, or else i'd no longer even have eyebrows. But after I used the cream they went all wonky and they're thinner, and wild,like bad hair day except for eye brows. My god, I look like a circus freak!!

Well alright. I may be a little too hard on myself. No one said anything today. No one even noticed except Luke, after I told him about my facial cream issues. But I notice. and it scares me to look in the mirror. I hate that. Being your own worst critic. Nothing ever turns out the way you see it in your mind, just like when you paint a picture. So, others look at me and see nothing different. But I look at me and... it's HORRIBLE!!

I am never using that stuff again.

Not to mention, it made my cheeks feel like someone doused them in kerosine and lit a match... they burned even after I wiped it all off.

Here's some advice to others with hairless OCD: Never, EVER use Nair.

So I did it again this weekend. I chickened out. I spent the weekend at her house again. I even took off work again yesterday to be with her longer. I can't believe this. I'm risking my job over a damn crush. No. Love. I can't get her out of my head. The way she lets me hold her when we're alone. Anyway. I was going to talk to her. Either that or I was just going to kiss her. I even started to ask her what she felt last weekend when I did kiss her. "Hey can I ask you somehting?" I said, speaking at a thousand km a second. "Last weekend at Teri's........Nevermind."

Yup. I'm a loser.

A fucking pussy. After that huge confidence boost I went through this year, I still can't even ask someone how she feels about me. I keep telling myself, it doesn't matter if she says she just wants to be friends. It doesn't matter as long as I know. But I still can't form the god damn words.

I got an email from a really good friend who lives very far away. And well, even though we almost never see each other, she seems to see more about this friendship with Caitlyn than I do. She mentioned that, even though I'm sad and depressed about my feelings for her, I'm still with her and happy all the time. And, when I read that, I just stopped and thought about it. I am happy when I'm with her. I mean, sure, I almost cried after I tried asking her about last weekend and stopped myself. She'd pulled my hood over my head for some reason and I figured if she couldn't see me it would be easier to ask. It wasn't, and then I almost lost it. My eyes started watering up. Thank god she couldn't see.

Nonetheless. I feel better when I'm around her. I have this strong friendship that I know won't easily break. And I've been too blind to see that.

I made another discovery this weekend. She's probably about as confused as I am, but for different reasons. I mean, I know she does have at least some feelings for me. I know she's considered being more than friends. But there is her boyfriend. I asked her a few nights ago if she loved him. She said she didn't know. obviously she likes him enough though. And she's always saying how he doesn't like to share. That he's very protective of her. Personally, I'd feel threatened in a relationship like that. Maybe she does too. Or maybe she likes it. Feels secure that way. I don't know, but I know he wouldn't take it very easily if she broke up with him for me. I don't think he'd hurt me, or her. She says he never hits a girl. But she'd definately lose a friend she's known for years. I don't want her to risk that. Not for someone she's known for mere months.

I keep falling for all the wrong people. Either straight girls, or bisexuals, who already have boyfriends, and who aren't yet confident about their sexuality. Well, alright, so far there's only been one girl in that situation. nonetheless. I'd lvoe it if I could meet a single lesbian with all the right chemistry. Blah. I guess it'll be a long time for that to happen though. I mean, even in Hollywood, teenagers never meet their soulmate. They meet boyfriends and girlfriends, but it's always the adults who meet the love of their life and end up married, living happily ever after.

I hate being a teen. All these hormones. Gay hormones. The worst kind. Nah, its not that I hate being a teen. I hate being a gay teen at my school. There are other schools in the city where the gay population is alomst half the student body. Everyone is out and open because no one cares. I guess I'd feel less like an outcast there. I've pretty much made my decision. I'm going to Beal for 12th grade, or maybe take an extra year. I'll have to, because of courses I'll have to make up for, and no way in hell am I staying at my school.

I decided I'm gonna ask my buddy Luke about this group in my city that meets every Friday night somewhere downtown. It's an all gay group and I don't know exactly what goes down there, but I think right now all I need is support. I'm driving myself insane. I just realized sometyhing this weekend. Even if my girl does love me back, she can't be with me. Her boyfriend would make sure I'm sent to the ER if she ever broke up with him for a girl. And well, that's kind of depressing. I guess really all I want now is to be around others like me, who go through the same stuff I am. Like, in real life. For support, you know. My school's GSA keeps me pretty sane, it's one of two reasons I like school. I mean, I feel normal there, if there even is a such thing as normal.

I'm not depressed or anything. I guess I'm just really stressed out lately. Again, there's the whole quitting smoking thing, which has lasted a week so far. I don't want to smoke and the cravings are barable, but still, I know that must have some effect on my mood. I wasn't feeling this tense until around the middle of last week.

Then of course, there's all that stress over my 'crush'. Though it's more than a high school crush. I hate using that word. Anyway, I decided to forget about my feelings for her. Yet another attept to get over her, but I'm going to try to find someone else. Who knows. maybe I'll meet someone at this group, if any of them are in high school still. Even if I don't get together with someone, seeing that it isn't a singles club, it would still be nice to go and meet others like me, and discuss topics on gay marraige, discrimination and anti-hate.

Anyway. Just thought I'd write an entry. I figured maybe if I wrote about going to this group I might actually go.

Wow. Kay. I woke up and my first thought LITERALLY was, Kiss her. Today is the day Amanda, you're going to tell her you love her, and you will kiss her, whether she likes it or not. Maybe not in so many words, but well, that's the feeling I had. That today is the day.

Well, my mother rushed me to get ready so she could get to work in time, being that the snow was really bad last night and would be ten times worse today.

it was about a THOUSAND times worse today ^^

we got stuck right in front of our driveway.

the road was completely blocked, no one could get out. A swarm of our neighbours, people we almost never associate with, came to our aid, digging us out, and i grabbed our shovel and helped ^^ then mom pulled back in, because one of them said, all the schools and roads are closed today. WHAT LUCK!! I mean, what irony too. Every time i have a goal in mind, somehting screws it up. I was going to tell her yesterday, she wasn't there. I was SO going to tell her today. SNOW DAY. First one in...evcer. I've never had a snow day whilst living in London. Only in Glencoe where the snow just buried the entire town and everyone lived in the country.

Well... guess I wo't be going to work either. Haha. Can't wait to hear my boss sigh in disappointment and grief. Haha, and she's the one who interviewed me the second time. It's her fault, she hired me.

I would go see Caitlyn, but, she's an hour's walk and I obviously can't drive anywhere... hehehehe this is so exciting though. A whole extra day of the weekend! I feel like one of the kids in the movie "Snow Day". Except, the only possibilities for me is to sit around all day. Maybe I will get my butt over to Caitlyn's. But, I actually feel like being a lazy bumb and sitting around all day. I haven't done that in a long time.

Time to flick on the gas fireplace and listen to christmas carols! ...Or not. Maybe some cheery trance, or industrial instead...

Have you ever found yourself sitting with a pen and paper -- or a computer and keyboard -- feeling the desire to write somehting, but having no idea what to write? Especially when you've written one or two entries already that day? I'm feeling that right now. I love to write. I really do. But right now I'm loving it so much that I'm writing just for the sake of writing. Not to express any feelings, or get my confused thoughts out in front of me, or brag about some amazing news. Nah. I'm just down-right rambling. I just got home from work. It was soooo slack tongiht. First snow squal of the season, and no one wanted to shop for groveries tonight. I can just see all the Loblaws shoppers sitting my their gas fireplaces, thinking, "I should really get some more food for that empty fridge, but it's way too damn cold!!" Don't you jsut love Canada? I do!! Man. Where would I be without snow in the winter!? I got off work, stood outside in the lobby calling my mom to tell her i'm ready for a ride. She said Dad was on his way. So I thought, I'll call him, and his cell rang, and rang, and rang until i got so bored of waiting inside. The snow was just coming down! So slowly, so gently, but there was sooo much! And the way the street lamps lit it all up... It was beautiful!! I had to go outside and feel the crisp air, and the wet snowflakes on my face. Dad picked up, I asked where he was. He said, "Right in front of you." I looked, but saw no red SUV. then I looked again. That car sure looked like the shape of our truck. But wow there was a lot of snow piled on it!! He was waiting there for like, two minutes!!

The ride home was so peaceful too. Listening to the classic rock station, driving at 40 km an hour on a road that people usually go 70 on. Mmmm. I felt like i was in paradise.

Yup. Today was a great day. I mean, Caitlyn wasn't at school, so she couldn't come to my GSA at lunch like she promised. Then when I told her our dinner&movie night is after school on Monday, she grossed out and said she's not coming... I pouted and whined that I'd go all alone then. she said she - might - come. It would be hard for her to get there though. She'd have to walk 40 minutes through bad weather. I was really looking forward to sitting in my hospitaily class, cuddled up on a couch with her, watching a gay movie. No, not gay as in, "That's so gay!" Like. I dunno. We're watching like, Brokeback Mountain, or Rent, or Transamerica or something. I wanna watch Rocky Horror, personally. But anyway. I hope she comes... I think if I whine enough i can convince her.

Haha that's the amazing thing. I always thought I'd be the guy in a relationship. But here's Caitlyn and me, not even dating and I've adopted the female role. And she's definately the guy without the penis. But with very nice, pleasantly grope-able boobs...

*ahem*

Yup. We're not dating but I've touched her in many ways a straight girl would never appreciate... she definately isn't straight, I don't even have to wonder anymore. She just has to learn to accept it. she's already started, thanks to me :) I know I've helped her in that sense. Ever since I became open about my sexuality around her, I've noticed a major change in the way she reacts to my come-ons.

God I love that girl.

Notice how I start an entry that has nothing to do with her in anyway, then by the end, it becomes solely based on her?

I did that to my friend tonight. I emailed her because we haven't been in much contact for a few weeks. I gave her the low-down on everything. My current christmas shopping plans, my previous christmas shopping expeditions, my friend status, social status, and od course, I meant to breifly mention Caitlyn and our current status. Turned out I dedicated the last 4 paragraphs about her. A good 500 words. About half of the email... :/ she;s gonna get annoyed with me if I keep obsessing about this girl. She's jealous already that I spend all my time with her ><

Anyway. Yup. My plan is to confront Caitlyn if she's at school tomorrow. If not, it'll have to be Sunday because of work and shopping taking up all my social time. I can't go shopping with my friends >> they're not sposed to know anything until they get their presents. ^^

Um. Yeah. More rambling-ness. I think I'm just gonna say, "Caitlyn, I want to kiss you." Or maybe I'll be more serious and sincere and ask her what she felt when I kissed her last weekend, and how she really felt when were cuddling. I want to know if she felt as much passion as I did.

anyway. I was gonna go to bed as soon as I got back from work. This already has taken up an hour. And I'll be even more tired tomorrow. So. Baibai!! -hugs everone and gives you all cookies-

I remember those confusing days, when I knew deep down inside that I am a lesbian, but I was too scared to even process the thought 'lesbian'. I remember having crushes on female TV characters, or girls from school, but even though I knew I liked them, I ignored the feelings. I remember in grade 9, I spent a month fantasyzing about a girl in my science and English classes. She was cute, and so outgoing. I sat a few seats behind her in science, so when the lights were off as we watched videos, she'd block my view of the screen. I didn't care, I just stared at her for the duration of the entire video.

But nope. Didn't have a crush on her. At least, that's what I wanted everyone else to think. I told them I liked a boy with tight pants, named Ken. Every girl knew him, and every girl wanted to sleep with him. Well, every straight girl that is.

I remember when I met a girl, who I will refer to as K. K is bisexual, and I felt awkward when I found out. I felt this familiarity, some kind of connection, but I was afraid at the same time. I guess I wasn't afriad of her bisexuality; I was afraid of my own sexuality. K seemed upset when I said I was straight. I remember one day we were talking about girls, and she said abruptly and sarcastically, "Oh yeah, you're straaiight." At that time, I was really starting to question. I knew then that I wasn't straight, and I wanted to say something in defiance. But I didn't know what to say. Was I bisexual? Was I actually a lesbian?

Then I met a boy named Andrew. Andrew was a good guy; 20 years old, in high school in the small town I grew up in. He failed 3 years of high school. I thought he was cool. I made myself think I liked him. When he kissed me for the first time -- haha, I remember cringing inside -- I gave the impression that I really liked it. Hahaha, that was the day I learned how to fake.

Throughout the whole relationship I hid my homosexual desires. Even from myself. I buried them, and forgot them. I was a good actress. I even fooled myself into thinking I loved him. I pulled off a great sex act -- for the 2 minutes that it lasted. It was terrible, absolutely terrible. I felt uncomfortable and, well, naked. Exposed. Vulnerable. I hated it. But even to this day he thinks I enjoyed it.

After he dumped me, I dated two more guys. Both were younger than Andrew. But both were older than me. I liked older guys, even as friends. They were more mature; easier to talk to.

A week before I met the third guy, I came out again. I decided I won't date men anymore, because I had finally admitted that it was uncomfortable for me. I went to a three-day concert that weekend, and there was a really cute girl. I kept trying to get to know her, but she was too shy. Too quiet. I asked a guy for a cigarette. After that, every time he pulled one out for himself, he pulled one out for me. On the third night, in the mosh pit of Alice Cooper, he and I started making out between songs. Honestly, I imagined that timid sweetie, who's name I never actually learned. But somehow I ended up going on a date with the guy. I spent part of it downtown with him, then we went to his house. He tried to give me oral, which... no matter how hard -- or little -- I tried, I couldn't get into it. Then he pulled out a condom. And that's when the fear shot up my back. My body went cold as I remembered those other times with the other two guys. I said no. I left, and I never talked to him again. Not until about two months ago, when I told him I am a lesbian. He didn't mind. He was actually glad -- he thought I never called him because I hated him.

I remember the first time I came out to someone. My face was red, even though I told her on MSN. My fingers moved across the keyboard as if in slow-motion; time seemed to slow itself down completely. I dreaded what she would think. But I had to tell her. Not just so she would know. No, it wasn't about that. It was so I could finally be who I am, so I didn't have to lie anymore. She accepted me right away. She still loved me as much as before. I told one of my oldest and best guy friends. He'd had a crush on me for the longest time. He was a little upset. I remember before I started coming out, he kept saying he'd hate if I turned out lesbian. And when I told him, he asked me, "Why do you have to be a lesbian?" But he didn't mean it in a discriminatory way. More of a self-pitying, I-wish-you-could-love-me way. I felt bad, but I knew I did have to tell him.

After my best friends knew, I felt more comfortable admitting it. I changed that orientation line on my Myspace from "Not Sure" to "Lesbian". I pasted support pictures and mesages on my profile. I wasn't used to saying "I am a lesbian" to people, and I still blushed when I admitted it in person. But when I met that girl who I love so much, it all changed. I became more confident: I'm no longer the 'quiet one' at school. I have a social life. She brought me out, as far as my personality goes. But this girl.... I had the worst time out of anyone telling her about my sexuality. Almost from the start I liked her. We were close friends since that first week. I feared more than anything losing her, and I wasn't about to let my sexuality be the cause of that. No matter how much I liked her, I would not tell her.

But then one weekend, when she met my oldest, best friend Teri, things changed. We were close that weekend. So close to kissing on more than one occasion. She liked me. I knew she did. She just wasn't ready to admit it.

I started dropping hints about my sexuality. And finally, when I couldn't take the pain any longer, I just told her. Again, over the internet. Her attitude toward me didn't change at all. Or if it did, she stuck by my side even more.

After that, I picked up the book Keeping You A Secret. and that too helped boost my confidence about my sexuality. I finished my proudest painting in art class; two young girls kissing passionately. The whole page is coloured according to the 5-stripe rainbow. Everyone in my art class knows about me, most of my hospitality class, most of my English class, and a lot of my close aquaintances in the pit know about me. The other day, a friend mocked a girl by calling her gay. Just your typical "You're gay." And I just said calmly, "Hey, I'm gay." and he was like, "Oh yeah, I forgot about that." Today, in the same class, we were talking about my friend liking a guy, who she says she thinks is gross. Then I said, "Why are you getting so anal about it? I wouldn't if someone said I like a guy. Course, that's because I don't like guys at all..." And this guy was like, "You don't like guys?" I just kinda stared at him skeptically. We all did because everyone else knew. And I was like, "Well I was painting that picture of the lesbians, and I talk about it every day, isn't that a big enough sign?" and well. Somehow, saying it is so easy now. My girl knows I am a lesbian, and still treats me the same. She's even more physical than ever. That night I kissed her she admitted she may be bi, for the first time ever. And now that she's going through the same stage of insecurity that I went through, I know I'll have to be patient. I'll have to be there for her if she wants to talk. I'll have to wait to be with her.

I know someday it'll feel just as natural for her to admit it as it is for me. I just want to be there for her, because I know I would have done anything to have someone I could talk to. Someone who had been through what I was going through.

I've told you before that I like you. That first time I emailed you and told you I am a lesbian, I asked you not to see me any differently. I told you I wasn't asking you out, or trying to make you like me back. I told you I just wanted to get over you.

I thought I had. I told you a week later about a girl in my Spanish class. I said I was planning on asking her out. I had it all planned out in my mind. It was going to work. And then, that night... oh that wonderful night. We were on the bed, watching a movie. Teri was on the computer, a few feet away, and you and I were holding each other in our arms. I realized then, that I still loved you. I didn't just 'like you'. I was absolutely head over heels for you. You said it; you may have been talking to the TV, but you said, "Kiss me." So I kissed you. We started talking about sexuality. You said you thought you might be bisexual. You said it didn't matter, but I know it does. It did for me. I went and kissed you again, on the lips. And again. I kissed your cheek, your neck, your ear. I didn't want the night to end. There is no way it doesn't matter to you. I've been where you are. I've been at the stage, where you're afraid to admit your sexuality. I've told that same wonderful girl, Teri, that I think I might be a lesbian. It will become easier for you to say it. And you know I'm here to talk if you ever need to.

But I love you. How do I know? Well, I've never felt this way before. I've dated men, and it was no where close. I've had crushes on other girls since grade 5. And never before, did I feel so much passion for one person. It kills me to hear you muse about boys. I'm not asking you to stop; if you like someone, I want you to be happy and like them all you want. Love them even. But I do love you, and I know now I won't stop loving you.

I wish I could tell you this. You can't imagine how many times I've tried since the night I kissed you. Jeez, it wasn't even a week ago. But whenever I feel the time is right to say it, I back out. I was so close to kissing you again tonight. I had a perfect opportunity, and I never took it. I wish I had the courage to show you how much you mean to me, whether you feel the same way back or not. I don't care. I don't care if you never love me the way I love you. I just wish you knew.

I came to the conclusion today that my school needs to do a play about teen homoselxuality. You know, gay awareness. We just recently had a play about awareness of domestic violence, and i thought, why not do something like that for hoosexuality?

I was originally thinking of basing it on Julie anne Peters' Keeping You a Secret, but when I started writing an email to her asking for permission to use her story, I thought, why not be more original and creative, and create your own story?

So I will. I'll write the play, and direct it, and have the drama department head help me by editing the script, and help with casting, and well, whatever else. I've never written and directed a play before. I've never even taken a drama course. But I learned recently i English, that I have a knack for both writing and acting. Not that I want to act in this play.

Anyway. I'm really stoked about this idea. I can't wait to talk to my teacher about it and get started on the script. my school isn't very homophobic, but there's never any effort put into education people about it. I mean, you'd think there would be by now. Homosexuality isn't going to go away, and people need to learn to accept that, whether they are straight or not.

I took my old crush to my old town to visit my other best friend. And it was just as great as the weekend they met. We were there for pretty much the entire day. and at the end, while we were watching Gothica, I kissed her. I didn't mean to, and honestly, my first thought was, "I thought I was asking Laura out this week..." Guess that won't happen, my feelings for Caitlyn have resurfaced. Damn. At least she admitted she might be bi. I've known all along, I thought it was just me hoping she was, but I guess in reality I knew. And now, she's starting to come out. It's kind of cute actually, I remember going through that phase. Blushing as you admit to your clsoe friends, that you might not be straight...

Anyway. She's not at school today. Shame. I want to see her. I want to talk to her. I mean, she's still with that guy I haven't met. And though I've never met him, I just want him gone... But hey, as long as she's happy, that's all I care about. I keep hoping she'll pull a Holland Jaeger and break up with him for me, but that probably won't happen. This is real life, not an award-winning novel. I guess I'll still have to wait a bit longer to find out what happens. I told myself to stop waiting for her to figure it out, but now that we shared that first, second, third, mayber fourth kiss -- I can't remember exactly -- I want to wait. There's always that chance we'll be together...

I've been thinking all morning though; remember the taste of those sweet lips. Best kiss I'd ever had, I didn't have to fake.