Maybe this was a bad idea. I applied to a college to be with her, and now that I'm in, I feel like I made a mistake. I don't really want to go to college here, but I'm afraid if I go somewhere else, she'll leave me. Am I selling my future out for love? Or am I following my heart?

Christmas was especially interesting this year. My grandparents tend to be really conservative (Extremely, actually. A little racist at times, too.). I'm the youngest on that side, and I have about ten cousins, all of which are married or seriously dating. My grandma likes to question when I'm going to get married (although I'm 18) because she thinks you should have kids while you're young. My sister interrupted her. "She doesn't need a spouse where she's going. Tijuana." She went on this whole spiel about me growing up to be a drug lord in Mexico. My family believed it, too.

Now I've got two weeks to burn before I go back to school. Although, I get to take Creative Writing when I get back.

Hope this day finds you all well.

So, I came out to my sister in an e-mail the other night. She called me and said that she wasn't mad at all, and was sorry if she ever did anything to make her think that she wouldn't accept me. The rest of our conversation was pretty funny, actually. Apparently my mom thinks I'm gay, and I'm not even sure how to react to that. The greatest part was when she found out I had a girlfriend (she already knows her):
"So, what do you guys do all....the....time.........Oh my God! You're having sex aren't you?? There's nothing wrong with that, I guess. I just...well, I love the penis."
Note that my sister is already married and all that. It made me feel completely renewed to know she doesn't care and likes who I'm with.

I just wrote a huge letter to my sister coming out. Fuck!!!!! I'm so fucking nervous. Goddamn shit mother fuck.

Sorry, I cuss when I'm nervous.

It's not the end of the year quite yet, but I felt the need to reflect. And throughout all of its bullshit, I have to admit that it has been one of the best years of my life.

Some Good Stuff:
-Working in radio. It's a bitch, but I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.
-Being with Ashley for over a year. I couldn't love her more.
-Going to Japan. It want to go back so bad. It was absolutely amazing.
-Getting into college. Stress off my shoulders.
-Turning 18. Scratch-offs & porno!!

Some Bullshit:
-Ashley denying that Lance Bass is gay. As if the entire free world didn't already have that figured out.
-O'Hare Airport. I was stuck there for 13 hours.
-Rascal Flatts. What's up with these guys? Seriously. Why are they popular?
-Shitty porno. I bought $7 porn from Borders. Of course it was worse than softcore.

That's about it. Not much to complain about. How about you guys? What's some good stuff and some bullshit in your year?

I told myself a few weeks ago that I would tell my sister that I'm bi. She's a few years older than me, and we can usually talk about personal stuff and keep our parents out of it. I've really wanted her to know because I've wanted someone in my family to know, and to have someone to talk to. I wrote a letter but couldn't send it. We've hung out several times these past couple of weeks, but I just don't know how to get on the topic. I'm starting to realize how scary all of this is.
I'm also scared of my girlfriend getting mad at me. She acts pissed about any of my friends knowing, even though anyone at school could probably guess that we're together. She doesn't like much of my family, and she doesn't want to come out for a long while, if ever.
I really want to be able to tell my sister, but I feel that if I tell her she'll pretty much know that we're together. I'm trying to do this without denying myself the right to tell her while respecting my girlfriend.
I'm just really scared right now. I might try to send the letter again tonight.

I got into college, IUPUI Indianapolis, to study on becoming a teacher of either English or History. I can't really write much more than that.

Well, maybe put a fuck yeah somewhere in there.

So, I normally make accounts on websites and then completely forget about them after a few days. I'm trying to change that by attempting to remain active at this site. The only problem is that I don't have much to talk about. I've been truly stressed with applying for college. Anyone who's a senior in high school or has been there/done that I'm sure can relate. I thought I'd be less stressed after I applied, but now it's worse because I have to wait for a reply. Blargh! It sucks.

So for some conversation, what kind of music are you guys into? I'm supposed to be "keeping up with the kids" so to speak, but really haven't. (That's a good song, by the way) I'm working on getting some new music on to the radio station the next couple weeks, so if you've ever had a record that just changed your life, and it must be heard, let me know.

I have nothing else to say. Thanks for letting me feel welcome here.

It's 3 AM. I haven't been able to sleep. So I started to think, is there
such a thing as an emosexual? All I can think of is someone who is basically
asexual. I don't know.

And I just realized how this is a horrible first impression I'm making on
this site.