For you young ones, listen up (if you're going to college anyway)

Roommates are hell

I got stuck rooming with some chick I don't really know, and so far it's been fucking terrible. She stays up soo late, sleeps so fucking late. If I'm trying to sleep, she lowers the volume of the tv, but it's still so fucking loud. She'll keep the light on and be loud as hell. She's always in the room watching tv. She's also such a neat freak that she applauded me when I cleaned my side of the room, like I'm some baby. And the thing that bothers me most? The room temp. Even if I'm in the room and I have it set to the way I like it, she always comes in and changes it to her liking. It wouldn't be so bad except that she always wants it to be the artic zone. She uses the AC IN THE WINTER. Like, it's already flurried here and it's been constantly high 20s low 30s weather, yet she always has the AC on full blast. WTF???!!!

If you go to college, don't be inconsiderate and be a good roommate. And I hope none of you get stuck with a fucking crazy roommate.

So I've been dropping hints here and there to all my guy friends that I'm bisexual. I'm pretty sure they're getting the message, and if not then they are totally oblivious to everything.

So there's a crush I have on one boy, and I've mentioned him before. In the bunch of guys I hangout with, there's one new dude this year that is one guy's childhood friend. He's so cute and so nice, and he has the most beautiful hair! :D Hehe. Anyway, me and him are friends. I wouldn't say really close or anything, but we get along. Like, we'll be in a group with all the guys talking, and sometimes we'll start joking around and he'll nudge me or something or pat me on the head. And one day I was talking to him and I wanted to pet his beautiful hair, and he let me :D

Problem is, he likes another girl. So I think all this he's doing with me is just total friendship. But, sad as it is, I'm really hopeful that he may like me. Just maybe. And me and all the other guys don't think he has a chance with the girl he likes. They have no common interests and have totally different ideals in a relationship (she's totally christian and doesn't believe in premarital sex. He on the other hand...).

I dunno if I should try to flirt with him. I'm not sure how weird this would be. And I'm not really sure how to flirt. Like, I dunno.

Aaaah, things are so difficult. He's such a sweet guy and he's so cute. And I talked to his friend and he said he's basically go for any girl he could get (not directly for sex, more for the relationship with sex afterwards....)

Advice?

Uuugh, I don't now what's going on.

I try to be happy and act myself. But being happy is never good. I annoy people and they get angry. People liked me better last year when I was depressed (like, seriously diagnosed as having depression) than they do this year. It was because I was usually quiet and out of the way. So lately I've been progressively more my (happy) self. And lately I've progressively had people tell me to stop doing this or stop doing that because I annoyed/angered them.

This is why last year when I had depression, I never took my anti-depressants. Because I would act happy and chipper when I did take them, and people started saying they didn't like the way I behaved, so I stopped taking them and just increased the cutting instead.

These people I'm talking about are my friends. At least, I like to think they're my friends. They're a bunch of boys I hang out with everyday. We live together on the same floor in the dorms. But, lately, I think I've lost them. And I'm really confused as to what I did.

Actually, they told me I'm really annoying cuz I say a lot of things are cute. There's a cute puppy. There's a cute dinosaur on tv. Yoshi makes cute sounds in Mario Kart Wii. Well, yeah, I say a lot of things are cute because many things are cute to me. And all I say is, "Aw, that's so cute" and then I'm done. It's not like I go on and on about it. But, I dunno, I guess it's really that bad.

I cut myself again because I'm upset with myself. I'm so upset that me being happy and myself makes others so angry.

WHY CAN'T I JUST BE A NORMAL PERSON THAT OTHERS COULD TOLERATE???

And now I'm scared to go home for Thanksgiving Break because my mom thinks I quit cutting, and she said if I ever did it again she'd make me go to the community college and not my state university that I love so much, that way I would have to live with them and she could keep an eye on me.

I know it's very cliche to say, but I honestly 100% hate myself. There's no good to me. Everything I do annoys/bothers people. And when I try to be happy and have fun, my friends always end up angry at me. I'm sick of this. I'm sick of myself.

I once told one of the boys that I was always scared of what they thought of me, so I didn't know how to act around them. He told me to by myself.

FUCKING LIAR.

So Lol-taire's story got me thinking of what happened to me...

I'm gonna shorten this story. So, I got drunk one time at a party with a bunch of my guy friends. I was really emotional and cried a lot and such, but overall no harm done. So we went to another party one weekend and they didn't want me drinking. They said I was way too emotional last time, and didn't want to have to deal taking care of a crying girl. So, I drank in private because I wanted to have a good time. So I drank. And me, an acquaintance of mine (female), and a friend of one of the guys I knew went in the basement and we were all drunk and talking. And I started getting dizzy, so I leaned on the guy. And I dunno what happened, but we started making out. And then things happened. Yeah. Kids, trust them when they say you do stupid things when you're drunk. Like, I was conscious of what I was doing and that I shouldn't have been doing it, but I just couldn't get myself to stop.

So then me and the boy left upstairs to go home, and he was gonna walk with me back to the dorms (we live in the same building), but I got sick and started throwing up. So I had to have some other friends come and pick me up. And it was very embarrassing. And the boys were upset with me the next day because they figured out that I was drinking, and even worse that they had lost me. Yeah. I hope they don't know what happened in that time they lost me.

Has anyone heard of Humans vs. Zombies? I'm doing it this year, and I hope it'll be fun.

Still single. Yup. And uglier and fatter than ever.

Registration for classes is coming up soon. I'm so scared. I think I'm fine with my Anthropology major and East Asian studies minor. I'm gonna try my best to squish in a Spanish minor.

我累

So I told two guys I'm bisexual, yay! Add that to the other 2 who I have told last year (well, one I told, the other one experienced it :P), so that makes 4 out of 11 boys that I hang out with that don't know. AHH. And it's not like I just know them or anything. We all actually hang out a lot, since we live in the dorms together and just chill. It's fun. But, I dunno, I'm still really nervous that all the boys will freak out if they find out I'm really not lesbian and actually bisexual. 3 of the 4 boys that I told said it wouldn't be a big deal though, so I'm hoping the majority wins. The one boy telling me otherwise is the one that experienced my bisexuality firsthand, so that opinion may be a little biased.

Anyway, Gears of War 2 comes out in November! Anyone else excited? I sure am.

Whoa, it's been a long time since I've been here. It's pretty much the same though, which I like.

Anyway, I have issues. (I'm bisexual, btw). I hang out with a bunch of guys, and they're all my friends. I really care for them as my buddies and I know they consider me their friend. My issues is that I like one of the guys. It's different though because last year I lived with all the guys in the dorm. The guy I like is the friend of one of the guys that decided to live on our floor in the dorms. So I really like him and he's really nice and sweet. My problem? Well, actually there's two. One is that I don't know how to approach him about all this, and if I even should. Second of all, he thinks I'm lesbian. They all do. Uh-oh.

Please help you guys. I recognize some of you, like Loltaire, Riku, and Ruby still hanging out around here. Help me out! XD

So, me and this one guy (the straight crush I had a few journals about) are now kinda a friends with benefits thing. It's weird. It's fun though. Like, we're closer friends now because of it. We hang out more. Talk more. He's not just a random hang out friend anymore. I feel that we're a little closer now.

I spent the night in his bed the other day. We just layed there and slept. It was nice.

I really don't know much about guys though, so I can't tell if he's using me or not. I really don't think he is, but people tell me that guys are different and you have to be careful with them. I dunno, how can you tell if a guy is just using a girl for things? It's weird.

Anyway, just updating you all.

So, I just typed a good entry about all the stuff that happened with my straight crush, and then my wireless connection went out and screwed things up.

Okay, so I'll summarize things. There was that first awkward kiss. But then after that there were 3 makeouts. The first, was a lot of cuddling and kissing. I explained to him that's it's so strange and different to be with a guy. He laid my hand on his face and told me to just feel the difference and adjust. The second time, we were in his roommate's bed. Oops. Nothing big though. Making out, and then he did some touching....of my chest. Yeah. The third time (and last) was more extreme. Making out, and then some other stuff. But, um, well, it's kinda embarrassing. Um, well, I've been briefly inspired by Ruby, so I'm just gonna say it. We dry humped o.O

So, the day after the third makeout he was kinda avoiding me. Me and my friends were out in the lounge all day. He was coming in and out of the lounge. That's kinda unusual for him. Me and my (female) friend were doing our homework. She was doing Trig, and I was doing College Algebra. He was flirting with her. He'd lean over the couch and help her. He'd touch her shoulder. Lean in close. Shit like that. I was sitting there. Five feet away. I asked for help on a problem. He said he didn't know how to do it. Bullshit. He was helping my friend do her complicated math. My math is a lower level. He's helped me before with it.

So, since he decided to basically ignore me all day I got upset. I talked to my SA. Let things out. We decided that I had to talk to the guy. So, I got him to come to my room. He was expecting something, I could tell. I told him things had to end. He just said ok and tried to leave the room. I stopped him. I asked him if he had anything he wanted to say. He said no. I explained to him that all this messing around and then ignoring me was messing with my head. He said he wasn't ignoring me. I told him it was bullshit. I asked him if we're still friends. He said we've always been friends. I hugged him, and then he left.

So, nothing there anymore I guess. I think he might be angry with me? Some of my friends said he looked angry when he left my room. And he's been grumpy lately. All my friends have noticed it. One of my friends (who's very blunt) said it might be blue balls. Haha. A couple of my friends said it might be that he's conflicted with his feelings. He's not really a guy that talks about his emotions, so something like this might be too much for him. So, I dunno. I'm just gonna keep acting my regular, friendly self. Sure, I still like him, but I don't want to hurt myself. If he does later decide he does like me and wants to make something of it, then we'll deal with it. Until then, he's my friend :) It upsets me that he he's been grumpy and not himself lately, and I want to talk to him about it. I dunno, it's hard to get him to talk about things.

We'll see what happens.

I'm gonna cut the babble and get to the important stuff. So, he came to my room last night. We were talking and we stumbled onto the subject of the kiss the other night. He sat on the bed next to me and we were talking about things. He held me. We were talking about my reaction to the kiss. That things are so different with a guy than with a girl. And he layed on top of me. We just kept talking. He kissed me. I told him he kisses different than any girl I've kissed. He asked me how and I kissed him the way I had kissed with Emily. And he said that he's not sure if it's just a me thing or a lesbian thing, but that he has kissed differently. We started making out. Not hardcore, but a lot of kissing. I liked it. We'd hold eachother, he'd lay on me, we'd kiss. Now and then we'd say something. We kissed a lot. He said he needed to think about things, and he couldn't at the moment because he was distracted. I asked him how he was distracted, and he kissed me. He then said he was tired (it was 2 in the morning) and he kissed me one last time and left.

Today wasn't so awkward. It was okay. He talked to me and stuff. Then I needed help with my work, and I went to his room to ask him about it. I was discussing it with him and I layed on his roommate's bed (he wasn't there). He eventually followed me up. So we were on his roommate's bed, just kinda discussing the topic. And, well, he started stroking my arms and stuff. He layed next to me. We kissed. He layed on top of me. We started kissing, and it was passionate. I could feel his body trembling. I could feel him pushing himself against me. And we were just kissing a lot. He's say something that he's not sure what to do, but then he'd kiss me. He'd stroke my face. He felt my chest. Stroked my stomach. He put his hand under my shirt. He kissed my neck. He said he didn't have self-control, and that he knew this was just a physical thing. He stroked my inner thigh once, but then he stopped himself. He said he didn't feel it was right since he couldn't control himself. We layed together, kissed more, and then he just got down. He explained that it doesn't feel right because he's confused and I am. I'm not confused. But he said that he's not putting the same feelings into it that I am so he says it doesn't feel right. He says this is a physical attraction.

I don't care. This makes me sound like a horrible person, but I want to see where this goes. I've never felt this way over a guy, and now there's these urges that I have that I don't know what to do with. And I want to see how far he's willing to go. He did imply that we're done with the kissing and stuff, but he did say that the other night and things happened today. And, well, I hope this continues. I do sound like a horrible person, but this is a new experience that I'm only willing to go through with him. Because I know he won't be a jerk about it. I know he's not using me. He's just as confused as I was. I've sorted things out. It's just up to him now.

My mind is still crazy from it all, and details are now scattered everywhere. In short, he held me a lot. We held each other. I confessed my feelings to him. He kissed me. Not just a peck. I felt his tongue. I wasn't expecting that. I started trembling. A lot. He held me while I trembled. It felt like forever until it calmed. He said he wanted to only be friends. Just be friends. Friends. He said he was sorry. He left.

So, I dunno if some of you have been following my journals, but I have a straight crush that leaves me wondering if he likes me too. Um, we'll just call him "Troy".

So, me and Troy have been spending a lot of time together. Like, just hanging out though. Me, him, and two other guys. Mostly we just play GameCube all day. And, well, today they were wanting me to watch a movie with them: The Ring. And the movie is supposed to be horrifying, and I'm a really big scardey cat (main reason they wanted me to see it) I tried to leave but Troy grabbed me before I could leave. He was hanging/leaning onto my back, and I fell cuz he was too heavy. He layed on top of me (we were both facing the floor) and he stayed like that while I tried to get up and leave. He eventually got up, and I left the room. But, you know, I am always curious about scary movies, so I went back telling them that I wasn't sure if I wanted to watch the movie (they had just started it). He grabbed me and sat me down in his lap. And he just didn't have me sit. He had pulled me back that I was leaning back onto him. His face was next to mine. His arms were around me. We sat there for awhile. And the other guys were watching the movie too and one of them kept glancing at us. Anyway, I got tired of sitting and I asked Troy if we could go to the bed. So, we were sitting on the bed for the rest of the movie. And, well, at times he would put his arm around me during the scary parts or when I pretended to be scared. Sometimes, he's just lay his hand on me. One time, he stroked my back for awhile. And, well, I'm not really sure what to think. Because one guy came in during the movie and Troy backed off when he saw the guy was coming. But then once the guy left he put his arm back around me. And he didn't have his arm around me the whole time, but a good few times. And, well, did he do all this because he's a good friend and I was scared? Is he just being flirty? I'm not really sure what to think and it's driving insane.

Then, later tonight we were all talking about a bunch of random things. And, well, we stumbled onto sexuality. I was rating the guys according to what they'd be on the Scale, one being a 1 and Troy being 0. We all got tired of talking and we parted. While Troy was walking to his room he turned around and asked me what my rating on the Kinsey Scale was. I told him 4.5. He repeated it, and turned and walked away. Strange. I hope it doesn't mean that he's gonna rethink everything that's happened between us. I don't want him to stop talking to me or being such a good friend because he'll be freaked out by it. Because if I was a straight girl, the things between us would be really weird. But then he does has his gf back home, which means he could just be a really close friend of mine and thought I wouldn't be interpreting things incorrectly.

Urgh. Crushes.

So, this boy I have a crush on is majorly confusing me. I have no clue if he likes me as a friend or more. And, well, he does have a girlfriend, but that's several states away. Anyway, I'm not really sure how to take all of the stuff that's happened. Basically, there's the whole thing about him laying on top of me http://www.oasisjournals.com/2007/09/some-wrestling-with-my-crush

And there's that one day when he said I could sleep in his room (his roommate was gone so I slept in the spare bed. Nothing happened really.)

But lately (ever since the day he's layed on top of me) he hasn't been that chummy with me. Like, yesterday we didn't really talk much. And today, well, I was laying on the couch in the lounge and he sat on the table next to me and he found a piece of paper that he poked my head with and then we were throwing it back and forth at eachother. I was working on homework in the study room and he stopped by really quick to comment on my work (math on the white board) and then he just left.

But then there's the fact that he has a girlfriend. Sometimes I feel as if I annoy him. I think he may have a crush on my friend. He was following her around today. The other day when me and him were playing around, he was playing around the same way with her. The only difference is he didn't lay on her.

I dunno, things are weird. What do you guys think? Also, even though he knows I'm gay, isn't it kinda weird that he would lay on top of me?

So.....I still have a crush on a boy. And, well, I thought I was over him, but things happen that make my crush something hard to leave behind.

We were playing video games in my room. I beat him, which is a rare occasion. He retaliated by tickling me, which proceeded to us wrestling around on the floor. He layed himself on top of me and I said that I quit. He got off and we continued our day.

I like to study in his room because I find distractions in my own. So, I was studying on his roommate's bed (it's lofted up). He's down at his desk (IMing his gf btw) and he comes up and sees what I'm doing. He then grabs my foot, plays with it a little, and takes my sock. I go down after him and get my sock. Then, he takes the puppy stuffed animal I got him for his birthday and starts abusing it (he knows it bothers me). We fight over the dog, and I take her and hold her against me. He wrestles me to the ground and holds me there. We're stuck, tangled, for awhile. We struggle more and he ends up on top of me again. He's just sitting there with is legs spread over me. His crotch was practically over mine. When I struggled more, he layed down on me again. Eventually he got the dog back and got off of me. Btw, he was not raping me. It was all playful.

This happened about two more times. I'm not really sure how to take this. He knows I'm gay. I know he has a gf. But the other night we were talking and I told him how I get random crushes on guys. And he never talks about his gf unless I bring her up. I really don't know how to take this.

So, long story short, a bunch of me and friends went out to eat. This includes crush guy. We all spent hours together, and well, there was hardcore flirting. Well, at least I think. And I'm spending the night in his room. No, no sex or anything. I'm sleeping in his roommate's bed. Yup.

Okay, turns out he possibly has a gf back home. So, yeah, I think it's good because it'll make my crush on him disappear. Excellent. I dunno, it kinda makes me a little disappointed, but not as much as the situation with Emily was when she got a bf. SO yeah.