i've decided: college is the best thing that has ever happened to me.. the work might be kicking my ass (i am currently procrastinating HARDCORE) but there are just so many fucking cool things going on...

i'm independent... i'm free to totally be myself (and everyone seems to like the real me which is always a bonus).... now you know what would make it even better? if the girl i am totally head over heels for would realize we would be perfect together! actually make that two girls...

there's A who just might be the most ridiculously sexy girl i've ever met... quite unfortunately, she is kinda in love with the penis... i have never met a girl this horny and open about her sexuality in my life... it's hilarious and always creates some rather awkward moments... she's just so... hot damn!
a couple of weeks ago we went downtown and got shitfaced at a friends house and then proceeded to walk to a club.... we danced (more like got felt up by a bunch of horny hispanic guys) and she was all over me.... she is so straight but so curious and such a fucking flirt! that t pain "cyclone" song came on (i don't know... in all her hippiness she still loves this song) and she went crazy.. she had on this short black dress and these cowboy boots... i think i just about died... for a new england girl who appears shy at first she can dance... good lord can she dance... i just really really need to get her completely trashed and then i might get lucky... oh god am i that desperate?

and then there's K... the jury is still out on her a little bit more... she has a boyfriend... he's absolutely so adorable and so sweet to her... she just doesn't seem that interested in it to be honest.... makes me wonder... she has possibly the best body i've ever seen... she's cut... she's tan... she's got dreads and is the poster child for hippies... she's really intelligent... she's fucking hilarious... did i mention she makes skinny jeans look better than anyone i've ever seen... everyone back home has seen her on facebook and they all say she is totally my type... it's true... last sunday night we all drank boxed wine (gross btw... unless you are desperate this is not the way to go...) anyway, she was wasted... i had completely sobered up (highly recommended btw... when you are sober and all your friends are shitfaced it's fucking hilarious...) her boyfriend left and she came outside with me... we were smoking (what the hell is wrong with me... i would never have done that a couple months ago...) she looked right at me... says " i would totally kiss you right now... but um... i was just kissing him so that would be weird"... i was like "honey... you're wasted"... the next morning i jokingly mentioned it to her and she was like "i didn't mean anything i said last night...." fuck life is a pain in the ass sometimes...

i am still on the hunt...

and maybe i should get started on that philosophy homework i've had for two weeks... what a productive thought....

hope everyone is having a good day!

it's true... life is really really ridiculously unbelievebale...

i'm sitting here... listening to dave matthews... with a shitload of homework piling up and i'm not even too stressed... life is just so... chill right now i guess...

i'm in love... ridiculously madly insanely beyond anything ever completely infatuated twice over... yup, good lord... how did me (the pickiest girl on the face of the planet) fall for two, dos, that right, two of her six new teammates... what are the chances of that?

k and a.... both of them gorgeous in their own right, intelligent, sarcastic... and i know for a fact that a is straight (but she is very curious and has admitted it)... and k... well the jury is still out on her but she does have a boyfriend...

k has decided i do need some action though (god damn it! why not with her!)... she is setting me up with her friends roommate who just moved up to pdx from arizona... could be interesting... updates to come!

other than that, school is kicking my ass HARDCORE... damn coming to really good private schools... so difficult but totally and completely worth it... i love the atmosphere and the support (not just LGBT but minority in general) is so awesome...

for the first time in my life, i feel like i'm in a place where everyone, literally everyone, is accepted and cared for... and it's pretty awesome....

anyway, i'm off to study... what a big suprise there... NOT!

have a great day guys!

hey guys!!!

first off, if all you guys heading into your senior year want an amazing school to check out seriously look at lewis and clark college in portland oregon... this place is unbelieveable!!!!

well, i've been on campus for two days and it's been absolutely amazing!!! no more family issues and stuff to deal with... when i actually get the time... probably this weekend while we are traveling up to canada i will let you guys in on all the lovely things that happened to literally make me disappear from this site for a couple of months...

so the team (with the exception of one super intense bitchy senior) is super sweet... we have 8 seniors, 8 freshman, and only a couple sophomores and juniors...

today we were all at dinner and i everyone was talking about boyfriends and so on (i honestly might be the only gay one out of 21!!!) and i managed to slip in something about my X and the fact that yeah, it definintely wasn't a guy!!! go me!!! and the other girls didn't miss a beat...

the coolest part is that all of the freshman was totally adventurous... up for anything in the drug category, late night stupid shit... i can already see it... we will all be really close by the end of our senior year...

my roommate moved in yesterday! she is one of the truly sweetest girls i have ever met... she's from san fran and i adore her... she is super talkative and really friendly... not the slightest bit shy... it's totally awesome!!1

well, the breakdown of the other freshman...

well of course there is me... then... a girl from arlington virginia... she is very eccentric and very sweet...

there's another girl from san diego who is super sweet... one of those super smart earthy girls who is just a little bit oblivious to the world around her... but still adorable....

there's another girl from seattle who i really haven't talked to that much so far but she seems to be chill for the most part.... she has the most gorgeous hair and i am totally jealous...

there's another girl from los angeles who is super goofy and has been nice so far...

btw.. sidenote... if you saw all eight of us we look like we are out of a north face catalog! we are all so granola and earthy... i love it!!!!!

there's a girl from a really rural part of oregon who is a total hippie and i love it... she's dreading her hair and everything... it's awesome!!

and then i get to two of the most gorgeous girls i have ever seen... it's ridicuolous...

one girl from idaho who is just hot... that's all there is to it... she is absolutely hilarious... i'm sure you guys will hear more about her in the future!!!

and then there is the girl from maine who might be the best looking girl i've ever seen.... she's just sexy... her walk, her talk, her everything.... and i'm about 90% she's straight as a god damn arrow... always a bummer! seriously though, she is ridiculous... we went bowling tonight as a team and she got a strike and just starts going crazy... i seriously almost lost it... holy shit she is so just... damn i don't even know how to describe it...

and is one super cute upper classman who is awesome... probably straight though too...

more updates to come! we go to canada this weekend for a preseason game against simon fraser so that will be interesting.... more stories and crushing i'm sure...

later guys!!!

So my first list of 100 random things got some good reviews… :)
So… since I have nothing better to do, here’s my next list.. yeah, I’m lame…

1. My cell phone is affixed to my body… it’s really a bad addiction
2. I write letters to people with no intentions of ever giving them to them… it’s just an outlet for me to tell people how I really feel
3. I find probably 80% of lesbians highly unattractive
4. Porn makes me laugh hysterically
5. A good glass of Chianti (or any wine for that matter) and a good conversation can make my day…
6. I just took down all the stuff in my room to go to college
7. This means my bedroom walls have some bald spots now
8. I came to a realization today… on some level even though I’m not physically attracted to her, I’m completely in love with my best friend… and it terrifies me… and in some way I think she feels the same about me
9. I’m currently listening to Tracy Chapman
10. I would say I’m about a 4.5 on the Kinsey scale
11. My first crush’s name was Brandi
12. I knew I was gay the morning of March 18, 2006 (I will never forget it… She made me forget how to breath)
13. I’m obsessed with my weight
14. I have the most disordered eating patterns of anyone I know
15. I find hands sexy
16. Feet disgust me
17. I would give just about anything to fall asleep with someone tonight
18. The #1 thing I know I will need in a relationship is affection
19. I will be getting my second tattoo in less than a month!
20. I am obsessively jealous of the relationship my two best friends have
21. I love mac and cheese (Kraft!... only the best)
22. I will either adopt or my partner will carry the kids… I have no desire to carry kids
23. In lesbian relationships, I hate the term wife… Sorry, I don’t know why
24. I say sorry way too much
25. Both my mom and dad have made me unbelievably self conscious
26. With their attraction to me, two girls have figured out their sexuality (and then promptly hid themselves in the closet again)
27. Smiles are everything
28. I’m obsessed with music lyrics
29. My favorite smell in the world is the smell of salt water
30. I love Canada! (don’t we all… ha ha)
31. Soccer is slowly becoming less and less important in my life
32. This scares me considering the fact that for years it was all I ever did
33. I have an actual “spot” that I go to think… Alki Beach in West Seattle… it is sooo beautiful!
34. I have considered moving to Italy (probably Tuscany) after I retire
35. If I had the choice, I would choose to be straight… it would be so much easier!
36. I have an obsession with photographs!
37. My mom is the most hysterical person I’ve ever met
38. I have taked on her attributes too… I’m overly hysterical and completely ashamed of it
39. My dad has no problem telling me to lose weight
40. Someone telling me they think I’m beautiful completely flatters me
41. Male or female when someone is genuinely interested in me it is the biggest confidence booster in the world
42. A member of the US Women’s National Soccer Team wanted to sleep with me at one point… I turned her down (she’s slept with half the WNBA… I’m not so into STD’s)
43. The East Coast is way too fast paced for me
44. Yes, the rumors are true… we do wear sandals and socks up here in Seattle
45. Actually, contrary to popular belief the Space Needle really isn’t that cool
46. There is only one person in this world that I know I could tell anything to… my best friend is amazing
47. I believe my first girlfriend will probably think there’s something going on between my best friend and i and get jealous… I’m hoping not
48. San Francisco is truly amazing
49. I love lip gloss with a passion
50. I’m recently gotten into country music
51. My mom is a compulsive liar
52. She dresses like she’s walked out of a Ralph Lauren catalog
53. My family owns a 42 inch LCD TV (p.s…. we only turn the TV on maybe twice a week… yeah, a great way to spend your money)
54. I fear my mom on some level
55. Words can be incredibly hurtful… I’m discovered this one too many times
56. The Verve Pipe’s “The Freshman” will always remind me of my first failed relationship
57. I have recently become less serious (it’s awesome to be able to laugh at yourself)
58. I will make a joke about almost anything
59. Self mutilation is one thing though that I will never find funny (too many people in my life are/were affected)
60. My best friend has painfully orange skin (too much time in a tanning booth)
61. She could also really really use a pair of braces
62. My current ringtone is Red Jumpsuit Apparatus “Your Guardian Angel”
63. December is my favorite month of the year
64. I absolutely love the snow
65. I’m sorry but “Talladega Nights” was the worst movie ever
66. My other really good friend (who I find dead sexy) is a skateboarder and big time race car driver (what lesbian wouldn’t find that hott?)
67. I think there are very few truly bisexual people
68. I will always tell you the truth
69. When I was younger I WAY overused the phrase “I Love You”
70. I feel like a stranger in my own home
71. Prozac has literally no effect on me
72. Nickelback’s “Favorite Damn Disease” perfectly describes my thing with skateboarder/ race car friend
73. “Hot Damn” is possibly my favorite phrase
74. People either find me absolutely hysterical or completely annoying
75. When my mom called my best friend “a filthy cunt” that’s where I drew the line… there was no forgiving after that one….
76. I actually usually forgive too easily
77. When I was younger, my mom bought me shitloads of sweaters…. I probably own over 50… ridiculous…
78. I find screaming to be a great outlet of anger
79. I have had to grow up fast
80. I have grown more in the last four months than in the whole rest of my life
81. The bracelet that me and my two best friends have never comes off my right wrist
82. I can’t paint my fingernails to save my life
83. I sleep with two pillows
84. I own every Nirvana album, B side, and demo available… yeah, I’m just a little obsessed
85. My hair is ridiculously long and thick
86. Japanese Cherry Blossom from Bath and Body is my favorite lotion
87. I love love love Zumiez and the Gap… yeah, weird combination…
88. My style is a weird combination of athlete, prep, granola… no one can ever figure me out… hell, I can’t figure myself out
89. I type ridiculously fast
90. My best friend just has orientation for college today
91. The phrase “making love” always sends me into a fit of giggles
92. My mother claims I’m irresponsible
93. I own hundreds of books
94. John Krakauer is my favorite author
95. I have a very personal relationship with God
96. I don’t understand how anyone could ever truly believe there isn’t a higher being of some sort or another
97. I picked my nose when I was little… told you I don’t lie
98. My camera comes with me everywhere
99. So does my Nalgene water bottle
100. My mom’s partner is the most condescending person I’ve ever met…

So… I haven’t been on a looooong time and I was seriously having withdrawls… There’s lots of reasons but we can get into those later (I have some good stories) but for the time being I’m killing time until my dad comes and picks me up… so inspired by all your lists, here’s mine…

100 random things…

1. I am an emotional wreck… trust me, it’s bad
2. I have an obsession with green tea
3. After college (I leave in 3 days!!) I want to live in the Castro
4. I just got a tattoo and I love it.. can’t wait to get my next one!
5. I’ve lived in the Northwest my entire life…
6. Being in Seattle, Portland, or San Francisco always puts a smile on my face!
7. I’m one of those poor pathetic 18 year olds who’s never been kissed
8. I LOVE LOVE LOVE grunge music… Nirvana is fucking amazing!
9. I want to name my son Ethan Nicholas
10. Writing is my outlet
11. I cry way too much
12. I am the worst photographer on the face of the planet
13. I have a total weakness for girls in bikini tops and boardshorts
14. I have the worst tan lines of anyone I know
15. Wikipedia is amazing.. trust me
16. Pastel colors are my favorite…
17. I let people take advantage of me way too much
18. I fall for girls incredibly easy
19. I am so ridiculously butch in some ways but femme in others
20. I have horrible gaydar… my straight sister is way better than I will ever be
21. I always seem to fall for the gay girls who are in horrible denial and claim straightness
22. I’m convinced text messaging is the greatest invention in the world
23. My mom is the loneliest woman I’ve ever met
24. My future is horribly terrifying and amazingly exciting to me at the same time
25. Apparently I have an IQ of 130 but sometimes I still manage to say the dumbest things
26. I believe Fuck is the greatest multi purpose word in the English language
27. Italian woman can be dead sexy (I was just there for two weeks… let me tell you)
28. I believe that God loves me unconditionally
29. I have a hard time believing how anyone could completely believe in evolution or in creation… I really do think it was a little of both
30. Everlast’s “White Trash Beautiful” is my favorite song right now… I absolutely love it
31. My mom and her partner both had multiple personalities… I didn’t know any of this until about 2 months ago… It explains my whole upbringing
32. My mom is ashamed of me on some level
33. My best friend and my mom truly hate each other
34. I am possibly the most angsty person you will ever meet
35. I know I will be an amazing partner for someone someday… not because I’m so awesome but because I will do just about anything for someone I love… this can be both good and bad
36. Both my parents and two of my really good friends are/were cutters… sadly, it fascinates me
37. I love the water
38. I tend to lie a lot
39. My mom is the biggest manipulator I’ve ever met
40. I know that my depression will improve once I’m out of the house (only 3 days!!)
41. Sex truly disgusted me out until I figured out my sexuality
42. I love the color pink
43. Soccer consumed my entire life for years
44. Looks wise I’m one of the most picky people you will ever met
45. I think Michelle Rodriguez is dead sexy
46. Once I get to college I bet my virginity will only last another couple months
47. I would take wine over beer anyday
48. I wear 6 rings everyday… when I’m not wearing them I truly feel naked
49. I have managed to somehow gain 10 pounds in the last three weeks
50. I still question my sexuality from time to time
51. Every gay person I’ve ever come out to told me they have always known I was gay
52. I think I’ve gotten prettier as I’ve gotten older
53. Over some things I can be horribly self conscious
54. I spit in public (damn… I really am butch in some ways)
55. I always feel better about myself when I dress up
56. I love thousand island dressing
57. I'm one of those people that you either love or hate.. there isn't much in between with me
58. I honestly don’t know if there is anyone in this world that I can put all my trust in
59. My father is the most self consumed man I’ve ever met
60. I have an unhealthy obsession with The L Word
61. In April I received the largest LGBT college scholarship in the country through Seattle Pride
62. Super femme gay men and I have never gotten along
63. I flirt with everyone
64. I will be super self conscious if the first girl I sleep with isn’t a virgin too
65. My dad doesn’t really think I’m gay
66. My mom believes I’m too open about my sexuality…
67. I am the cheapest person you will ever meet
68. A grande vanilla latte sugar free 1% extra hot from Starbucks is the greatest thing on Earth (what can I say… I’m a Seattle girl)
69. The expression LOL is the dumbest thing ever…
70. Sadly I do think we probably have another thirty years until we get marriage rights in the US
71. I believe my relationship with my mother is the root of my depression
72. I will never lay a hand on my children
73. I’m an ass girl, definitely not a boob girl (to be honest, boobs gross me out)
74. I love the rain
75. I pray constantly
76. I’m forever way too cold
77. I have a truly obnoxious laugh
78. I have never found an overweight girl attractive but also never found a girl that was underweight to be attractive either
79. I have a thing for long hair
80. My best friend is the most amazing person I know (if i was physically attracted to her and she was gay we both know we would be amazing together and so good to each other...
81. I own more clothes than should be allowed…
82. I never knew my family was well off until I was 16 or 17
83. I drive way too fast but have managed to never even get pulled over
84. I find drunk people to be hilarious
85. Drugs scare the shit out of me
86. I’m a complete control freak and never realized it until a couple months ago
87. I am super touchy feely and a lot of people get the wrong impression
88. I am a huge klutz
89. I will never be someone to casually date
90. I always keep my promises
91. My mom’s partner truly hates me I think
92. It’s okay, I think she’s a bitch too
93. I never felt like I had a friend I could really talk to until about four months ago
94. My mom refuses to let me have pictures of my best friends in my room (yeah... that hate thing.. I wasn't kidding)
95. I love jewelry
96. White Oleander is the most amazing book I’ve ever read
97. George Orwell = worst author ever
98. I lose my sunglasses constantly
99. Death really scares me
100. I could never manage waiting until marriage to sleep with someone…

so these are just some poems i've been working on... i'm not a poet by any means but i was just in the mood i guess...

they are all written about a really good friendhip that has gone south over the last couple weeks after i admitted feelings for her....

i feel like you do this shit
just to get
u
n
d
e
r
my skin
(it’s thin)
i’m fragile
does that make you uncomfortable?
you’re beautiful
does that make you uneasy?
you’re the strong(weak)est person i know
it’s the truth

i hope to fit you
(into)
my box of Suburban
Perfection
pull the lid
Tight
and
heal up
the scars
with makeup
tight pants
and new skin
of the unmarkable variety
apparently it’s not sold here

scared
doesn’t quite do your
little
run off
true justice
wait for your conscious
to choke you
the way my love does

how do you
love
care
give
everything the
wrong way?
what is the
right
way
because i’ve been
left
out
to dry

one day
you will realize
everything
that you gave away
and you will retreat
to the closet
and take your anger out
on something that
-unlike me-
gives nothing back
‘cept pain
but you can control that,
right?

i find myself
scared of you
scared of her
scared of them
who are
scared of it
scared of different love

hold on
to our memories
because i won’t be back
to take the blade out of your hand
next time you remember
you threw out
just like the trash
the only constant in your life

so umm... things are meandering their way back to normal (i think.... maybe, kinda sorta)

so after admitting to B that i think she's pretty much the foxiest thing i've ever seen in my life (don't worry... i def. didn't say it that way)... anyway, after that i sat in misery for three days and had no contact with her... she totally disapperaed... and A wasn't much help.. she was sick and completely miserable...

friday i woke up to find a 5 page (yes, single spaced 12 size font!) letter from B basically telling me that she was uncomfortable around me and this and that and blah blah blah... i was miserable.. felt like complete shit over the whole thing...

and then last night things started to turn around... i got a text from B telling me that she wanted to talk about everything... i took that as a good thing... and then i got a call from A telling me that her and B had just been talking and.... B has realized she didn't handle it the best and that she really fucked up....

so basically i think things are starting to go back to normal... i'm going to have to keep myself in check (can't stare at her as much... this one is going to be hard... absolutely gorgeous)... but i'm glad this didn't completely blow up in my face...

i might still be able to salvage a decent summer out of this...

i leave for italy in 8 days!!!

so...

graduation was on saturday... had a fantastic party afterwards... everyone that means something to me was there... it was great..

i didn't have my phone on me during the party of course but afterwards i went upstairs to get it and found a message left on my phone by a teammate... her drunk guy friends must have gotten ahold of it... calling me a dyke this and butch... telling me that they were going to kill me, blah blah blah... my mom handled it.... they won't be fucking around with me anymore....

sunday was brooke and alyssa's grad parties... grit my teeth through brooke's... her mom gave me a hug... it was the most ridiculous thing i have ever gone through.... it was physically painful to hug her back... she beats the shit out of her daughter with those same arms... vomit...

alyssa's party was great....

monday was fine.... i decided to go leave flowers and a final goodbye for my ex bestfriend/ girl who was in love with me/ girl who walked out of my life when she figured out her feelings for me.... the three of us went up together... i left the stuff on her doorstep.... i just needed some closure...

the three of us went into downtown seattle after that... cheered me up... ate shit food, played DDR (really badly) it was fun.... we drove around, and were driving back home at 4AM when i destroyed the best thing i've ever had....

brooke and i got into a convo about my "judging people"... she keeps telling me that's what keeps her from being as close to me as she is to alyssa.... i ended up talking with her about it... she basically told me that she feels like there's tension between us... well there is brooke... because i'm absolutely in love with you! i told her.... alyssa was in shock and brooke looked at me with a blank stare.... told me she already knew.... walked out the door and went to her ex-best friend's house who lives up the street.....

alyssa woke me up later on that morning and told me she was leaving... it's been 24 hours now... alyssa won't return my phone calls, my texts........ i'm stopping.... it's all over.... honestly this sounds drastic but that's what was keeping me going lately was the friendship i had with the two of them... it's all over...

ironically, i had my doctor's appointment yesterday to get on anitdepressants... until 24 hours ago i didn't think i was going to need them... now it's just keep those prozac coming....

holy shit....

alyssa will come around (i hope) but it looks like i've lost brooke....

my mom tells me that if they are true friends she will come back around.... sure.... whatever....

this is too much to handle... the only friends i had... the only people i thought would be there for everything...

people suck...

i graduate today... i should be excited.... i am to a certain extent i guess.... excited to get the hell out of this town, exicted to move out of this house but completely confused... feeling incredibly lonely, isolated, removed...

for a couple years, i've known that my mom and her partner both grew up in abusive situations... REALLY abusive situations.... no one ever bothered to tell me just the extent of the abuse or the aftermath... i didn't get the full story (or at least half of the story) until yesterday....

for years i've known my mom was a little off.... hysterical over everything... not all the way there i guess.... yesterday my dad talked to me about what was going on with both my mom and her partner... my mom had started to let me in on some stuff after a big blowup we had a couple of months ago... she didn't even begin to scratch the surface of their abuse...

both my mom and her partner were physically abused, tortured, abused in groups, all kinds of sexual shit.... both were cutters, had (migh still have?) multiple personalities, horrible cases of anorexia while being cutters (that's never a good situation....), all kinds of shit.... weird shit....

this all came up for only one reason... one of my best friends who i am absolutely in love with is a cutter and my other friend and i suspect she's been sexually abused... my mom doesn't want me hanging around her etc etc.... what a hypocrite!!!

it all makes sense now though... my mom's hysteria.... i always just thought my mom was bipolar... now i get it... i'm such a dumbshit

i just don't know if i'm going to be able to deal with it in the end.... this whole cutting thing with so many people in my life is really starting to overwhelm me.... the whole sexual abuse thing... christ.... i honestly don't know how to deal

and the scary thing is that my mom is a therapist who works with people who have all kinds of issues... when my mom still has so many things going on how can she help other people? that's what i want to know... weird how that works....

and last night i call my best friend (not the one i'm in love with... the other one... sorry it gets confusing)... i never get a call back... the only reason i never get a call back is when she's with the girl that i'm totally head over heels off... there are a lot of things that are beginnning to happen where the two of them don't want me to be part of it... etc etc etc... this friend would always call me back... always... she is the most understanding, caring person i've ever had in my life... i'm really starting to get suspicious.... why didn't she call me back.... it sounds stupid but i know for a fact that she was at my crush's house last night and just never bothered to call me back... i needed someone to talk all this shit out with... god damn it... this makes me scared... who am i going to have to fall back on?? i'm so scared....

and only to make it worse, my dad took the three of us out to dinner last night... my girl managed to wear my favorite outfit on her (fucking gorgeous) and then be totally in love with my other friend (who's complete straight) all night long... my dad had no problem telling me that he saw it too and that i just need to suck it up and move on... thanks dad...

this girl is hurting... i want to help her more than anything in the world.... it's almost like she's told me everything and now she just doesn't want my help... we have the same best friend but she doesn't want anything to do with me....

i am giving them their grad presents tomorrow and wrote them letters last night.... i cried while i typed them.... i've never had friends this good to me and now i feel like i'm losing them...

and then there's my parents to deal with... holy shit...

it's time for some starbucks... i need some fucking caffeine to get me through this day... i know i'm going to be up for the next 9043783868 hours too... my grad party is directly after graduation at 11pm... kinda cool to have a night party but god damn i'm going to be exhausted...

just gotta make it through today...

last day of high school.... i'll go in for a couple of hours maybe.... it's weird.. i have almost no attachment to my school... i'm so ready to be done with school and move on with my life...

i'm so ready for freedom!! i am so ready to be on my own.... the last three years (and esp. the last year since i've come out) have been filled with so much drama.... i'm ready to move on!!!

this summer is going to be amazing... i'm going to italy for 11 days... my best friend and i will spend a weekend on whidbey island (if you live in the northwest you know how gorgeous that place is!!!)... there are going to be so many good times....

i honestly felt like this day was really never going to come... i'm so excited that it's here... it's almost surreal... i get to move on!!!!

so brooke, the girl i can't stop talking about lately.... well, i honestly am starting to think that she might... just might... be straight.... i so don't want that to be the truth... but god damn, she doesn't even seem to be open to reevaluating her sexuality... 18, never been with anyone, never been kissed, etc etc etc. no fashion sense, BMX, skateboards, races fucking cars but claims straightness... so frustrating... she has told me on more than one occasion she has no interest in having sex with anyone... WHAT? maybe my best friend and i both have really ridiculously high hormone levels but we both found that really odd... what kinda 18 year old has no interest in sex.... oh that's right... one that's thinking about sex with the wrong gender in mind... dear lord... what is her deal?

in other news, the girl i was sorta kinda with last summer who ended up ditching me and claiming straightness (what the hell is up with me and straight girls... i need to stay away).... anyway, her graduation is on monday night and during it i think i'm going to go up to her house and leave a final note thanking her for everything she did for me... maybe leave her some flowers, give her back all her CD's, books, etc. that i still have of hers.... i need to have some kinda closure... i think it will do me some good... it's been six months since i've seen her, nine since she stoped talking to me but i've been having a really hard time with it the last couple weeks... not gonna lie... i dunno just missing her more than usual i guess...

in other news with brooke... i had to write my final paper for my creative writing class and we had to write "about something that dealt with a lot of emotion"... because the topic is so fresh, i had a hard time writing it and frankly, it turned out like shit... but i thought i would share because it really describes things well... even though it might not be as eloquent as i would want
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I HOPE YOU WILL BE HEARD”

The lower walls are painted red with thin black borders. A guitar sits in the corner, amplifiers on the floor. A skateboard, obviously outgrown, sits in the same corner. The floor creaks as I walk across the room. I take a seat on the black futon that occupies the left side of the room and stare at the nondescript ceiling above me. The room is bare, with a feeling of androgyny. Behind me, bass turned up, blares a pair of speakers proclaiming lyrics that echo my own thoughts….
“If I could I would shrink myself, sink through your skin to your blood cells….. remove whatever makes you hurt, but I am too weak to be your cure”.
I look to the other side of the room. Pictures of us sit atop a brown shelf. A closet takes up the other corner of the room. It’s shut – always shut.
I stare back up at the ceiling. A single solitary tear runs from my eye as I continue to listen to the lyrics:
“I’ve got some problems but we’ve got ten dollars, that’s enough to get us wasted before the night is over. These past five days I’ve been completely sober but tonight I’m getting ripped wide open.”
The lack of decoration in the room makes me almost uneasy. The carpet is obsessively spotless. Any reminisce of dust, of imperfection, is absent. The lyrics continue to resonate with me, all seemingly about her:
“Would you want to see if seeing meant you had to believe?”
I prop myself up on my elbows as she enters the room. She stands at the doorway, apprehensive. She looks surprised to see me, almost shocked that I would follow through on a promise and show up when she asked me to. A smile breaks across her face. The smile that I kill for. She stands in the doorway a second longer… long enough for me to run my eyes over her body. Over the blemished face that makes her so imperfectly beautiful. Her hair is pulled into a low ponytail as usual, making her bad dye job even more apparent. I look over her hands and that ring. Up over the right arm, crease (strange mark fading now.) She wears the same simple blue t-shirt that she often does. I look down to her legs, jeans hanging off her ass. I stop at her feet, bright pink toe nails catching me off guard. The color is out of place, just like her at times. Out of place where so many things reek of conformity.
She walks over to that closet and promptly opens the door. Inside, everything is obsessively labeled and organized just like the rest of the room. The contents though are awkward, completely at odds with the rest of the room. The brightly colored shirts with labels of Abercrombie and Hollister off set her usual Zumiez’s attire. It appears that a completely different life, a different girl lives behind these doors. She picks a CD from the left side of the closet and quickly turns around, closing the right side door that seems to contain this femininity and vulnerability that seems so frightening, almost embarrassing to her.
Slightly confused, I turn to her, watching her walk across the room. She changes the CD, a familiar song coming from the speakers now. I scoot over on the futon as she sits next to me, almost too close. My instincts beg for her to move closer. My conscious actually causes me to back away. To break the awkwardness we bullshit. For the first time, we act like nothing is going on when I know there is. I’m exhausted, too exhausted to sit and extract the pain from her.
Seemingly frustrated that I want her to do the talking tonight, she gets up, leaving the room. I stretch out on the futon, looking back at that closet. The name of a local band on one of the CD labels causes me to get up and go over to the closet. I take down some of the CD’s, looking at the different bands and song names.
Five minutes later, she still hasn’t come back into the room. I turn around, frustrated but ready to leave. Already heading across the room to grab my keys, something catches my eye. I look down to the edge of the closet, the metal prong on the bottom of the closet colliding with the outside light to create a blinding glare. The metal is thick, intimidating to the most seasoned of her kind. I look closer, almost shuddering. All the episodes I’ve heard about, all the stories come rushing back to my consciousness.
I sink to the floor, noticing that I’ve never felt so exhausted in my life. I rest my head against the back of the other closet door. I’m angry, rather confused. The light hits the metal again at just the right angle, demanding that I pay attention to it again. I put my foot against it, trying to bend it. I make no impact. No impact on the metal, no impact on her pain.
My tears aren’t hysterical but they do come easy. They are barely noticeable, just like her scream. Just like that constant scream, barely above a whisper.
I sit, for how long I don’t know, wondering how it ever got to this point. How did these screams for help seem to fall on deaf ears? Where were parents, friends, teachers mentors?
However later, she returns. I get up, still crying, tears burning now, and walk over to her. She’s barely entered the room and I hug her. I hold on tight, soaking in her smell, soaking in her touch. The hug I receive back is one of desperation, of longing. As we finally separate, looking into her eyes I proclaim the truth:
“I love you”, I say with a firmness and sureness that surprises even me.
She looks back at me, unsure of what the proper response is.
“No one has ever told me that”.
I pull her back into me, holding her even tighter this time.
We stand there, as the words on the stereo only continue to reflect the situation and the overwhelming pain.
“There’s a fire in your eyes, and I hope you let it burn. There’s a scream in your voice and I hope you will be heard.”

another night with brooke and alyssa.... god i love those two....

i'm starting to really get dangerous with brooke... i'm flirting WAY too much i think... and my hands.... they can't seem to stay away from her body.... dear lord... any contact with her and my brain, everything goes to shit.... someone help me....

somewhere in here she's going to find out..... tonight we're out skateboarding and she grabs the board and just starts walking away... i'm just checking her out and way too loudly say "you're fucking hot...." in a way.... i almost wish she heard me and pretended like she didn't.... i swear to god she's gay.... you can just never be sure and that's what's killing me....

she is honestly the sweetest person i've ever met.... alyssa and i are going out to see her race tomorrow night.... i'm so in love with this girl it's not even funny.... we are driving to the middle of nowhere and paying WAY too much money to see her race a fucking car... god damn i'm ridiculous sometimes...

tonight we got back to my house and she's going to get into her truck and i just look at her and say "thank you" (she helped my mom and i with some shit around the house) and she just simply said "of course" with this adorable grin.... i just wanted to grab her by the hand and be like "stay with me tonight".... don't go home to your crazy nasty family.... be with me.... god, i just want to help but she's a big girl... i know she's got to help her self i just feel like shit.... i wanna take the pain away....

she's not eating much of anything.... that's a pretty good sign the cutting's about ready to come back..... shit.... i knew it was going to have to get worse before it got better..... if only the simple hugs and praise i give her was enough to deter her.... ugh

so... less than a week of high school left... thank god... i don't know how much more of it i could have taken....

update... i am still head over heels for brooke unfortunately.... god damn... i just wish i could find a girl who wasn't such a fucking closet case... i honestly don't think she will ever come around and even if she did... let's not forget....

she's definitely in love with alyssa... our best friend (straight... most definitely).... it's a downer to see that she's so into alyssa when 1.) she won't admit it and 2.) alyssa doesn't want a relationship with her at all.... ugh...

and on top of that lovely little situation alyssa is now dating her friend who's a total babe (yes, that's right a complete dyke just called this guy a babe)... he's so damn good to her.... and so nice... anyway, they are officially dating as of tonight and she's happy, he's happy until about 15 minutes ago when alyssa got a call from him asking her to come pick him up... he's been kicked out of the house he's sharing with a couple guys... i have no clue what he did.... weird... i guess i'll figure it out in the morning...

now brooke is a totally chill person.... but she is going to feel so replaced by this kid... she is going to flip a bitch... trust me... i know this girl... she will react fine in the short run but be absolutely heartbroken in the end.... completely furious... she's gone a few months here without cutting but this is the kind of thing that could really get her going again... fuck...

and then there's my mom... who doesn't like brooke for whatever reason to begin with... and now, god damn.... i just don't get her.... background: my mom was sexually abused growing up, beat the shit out of, and she had a really bad case of anorexia and cut to deal with her problems.... and brooke is constantly beat the shit out of, she cuts (and lately i'm getting some suicidal vibes out of her), she has a really weird relationship with food, and as far as alyssa and i can tell was sexually messed with as well... and my mom doesn't feel any want or need as far as i can tell to help her....if my mom was some really cold woman with no maternal instincts maybe i could understand but she's usually very warm and inviting with my friends..... we are in the car today and my mom called her a "Slicer".... i almost lost it with her... really mom? i don't understand her vendetta against this girl... does it bring back too much of her childhood shit? i don't get it....

today was a good day... no a great day actually....

it was about 80.... absolutely gorgeous... and when you live in seattle that's a miracle.... it gets above about 70 and people start flipping out.... it's really funny.. everyone busts out the shorts and tank tops at 70... :)

of course brooke (my best friend/ridiculously huge crush) decides to follow the trend... my other bf lyss and her meet me to wash my car this afternoon and i hadn't exactly prepared myself for the fact that brooke was definitely going to be actually showing some skin.... HOLY SHIT i almost lost it....

she doesn't know how i feel about her and to be honest i'm okay with that but god... tonight was rough... most nights i have a hard time keeping my hands off her but tonight was definitely extra hard....

she's a race car driver (that in and of itself is fucking hot if you ask me)... anyway, we went with her to get weighed tonight for her race saturday and she was sitting there in her car and honestly i still don't know how i managed to avoid jumping her bones right there.... holy shit.... i wish she would just come out already... she is so damn butch but still talks about guys (the most feminine guys ever) but still guys... i dunno... i just can't figure her out...

beautiful doesn't even begin to cover it... go check out my myspace.... holy shit... she's the brunette in the pictures of the three of us... alyssa's the blond (an amazing person but straight as an arrow and honestly not nearly as nice to look at to be honest)

shit... i need to get to bed... i have to be at school in 7 hours to help brooke with her final project for chemistry... aww... the things i do for beautiful girls!

:)

i have never been so frustrated in my life.... brooke, the girl that i have a HUGE thing for, is the most god damned frustrating girl i've ever ever meet.... dear lord....

last night i'm sitting around with her and my other best friend alyssa (who can i just add this on the side... not attractive at all and completely straight but she has to be the best friend i have ever had... if i was attracted to her and she was gay well... we'd be perfect)..... anyway, so brooke.... basically i want to fuck her.... i'm not going to lie..... she is so gay it's not even funny (she refuses dresses and skirts, wears her hair in a ponytail ALL the time, walks "the walk", is a fucking stock car driver.... basically if you saw her your gaydar would totally go off.... sirens, lights and whistles would be going off for almost everyone.....)

and all she could talk about last night were hot guys.... honestly? lord... i just want to shake her some days.... and the worst part is she is desperately in love with alyssa not me.... great, in love with my best friend and not me... man, that's awesome.... NOT

she is just... so... damn.... sexy.... last night she's curled up next to me in bed and it takes everything i have not to just lean over and stick my tounge down her throat... alyssa is going on and on all damn night about the new guy she is hooking up with and how she just wants to make out with him and blah blah blah and i just want to be like.... do you see the kind of self control i am having to use right now? this is the part of being gay that kinda stinks... i'm not gonna lie...

and then i get home... my moms and i have not been doing very well lately... like not well at all.... they sit me down and basically tell me i'm depressed and this and that and that i need to distance myself from alyssa and brooke... inparticularly brooke.... i can understand why they're saying that.... considering the fact that brooke drives me insane... but the problem is that brooke and alyssa are the two best friends i've ever had... they accept me for who and what i am.... we do the stupidest shit together.... and we can have the deepest conversations....

i dunno... my mom said that if we really were that close that i should be able to sit brooke down and tell her my feelings without having her react negatively... well yeah i should but man i dunno... it doesn't feel like it would be the same.... and my mom swears that brooke already knows that i have feelings for her.... she says i give off "those vibes".... okay lady...

i know they just want the best for me.... but this is the best friendship i'
ve ever had... i could never give that up...