I’ve found something to worry about, as usual. I’m worried that he won’t call, even though he said he would. He hasn’t this weekend, which is no big because I wanted some space and didn’t want to do anything with him anyways, but still. I’m worried that he just might not call, that somehow this may be the end of our friendship.
I do believe that I am in some kind of love with my friend and I think it needs to stop. I think it would be better for both of us because then I would stop day dreaming and he would mean to me what he truly does mean without out this fluffy layering on top of him. I obviously don't think he'd mean as much to me without the feelings I have for him.
I'm kinda nervous... I was talking with this person I know and he told me, and I beleive him, that my relationship with my best friend, who I've recently told I'm gay, is ONLY going to change, if I make it change.
My friend made out like nothing has changed when I told him, so that's why I strongly believe what I've been told about the potential for change in our friendship.
Sunday, March 23, 2008, 6:50 PM
Well everyone how was your Easter? I hope to the least of its extents that it was happy in some way or another.
Ok, so I feel kinda bad.
Well I checked my last entry and found that there are no responses so I assume I must of written something fairly decent if not good.
I also wanted to take the time to tell everyone who does read that I am officially out to everyone I deem it important to know.
Well guys I guess, in my way, I have finally come out.
I've been sure to tell everyone I do tell that I am not completely 100% sure that I am, because it's never been officially tested, but I've told at least three people since Sunday.
This is a follow up to my last journal entry. I don’t actually know how many people read my entry so I don’t know how many people will remember it. I’m basically attracted to my friend who doesn’t know I’m gay. Basically.
It’s late so I’ll try to make it simple, despite my thinking tendencies.
I’m obviously attracted to one of my guy friends but I know for a fact that he’s not attracted to me. I’ve found this out through several obvious methods that involve communication not only with him, but others.
Ok so has anyone ever taken the time, when there is some, to just think? I get like that a lot, and I must confess that sometimes it’s about the most complete unnecessary things. But that’s besides the point right now. What I’m simply trying to ask is if in that down time, when you’re supposedly thinking about it all, do you ever think that life is one big pattern?
Yes indeed, it has been a while.
Let me start by saying that I have had my current medication dosages altered. I'm on the right pills, I guess I just wasn't taking enough of them. It seems like I might be taking to much, just from the sound of it anyways. Either way I AM a happier person ever since they were altered.
It's kind of ironic. My last post was entitled death and it reiterated the pointlessness of life, it was a stab at life's reasoning. Yet now as I am typing this I feel soo, happy and maybe not even that. Maybe I'm just the status quo. fine. I don't care if there isn't a point and I most definitely don't care that I can't seem to find it. I wake up and that's not the point. The point is just a minute away, and the minutes will stretch and the time will flow.
I can't even begin to conceive the meaning and point to life anymore.
I feel like I want to live, and not die, but I also feel like to find true worth and reason would be like beating a video game. Then it's boring and you want to beat a different one. I tell you there is no point in that. There has to be a final point, and not just a round the merry go round fun fair approach to it all. Then again, I said that's what I feel, and since when have feelings been truly accurate?
Define your worth and you will see
It’s not as easy as can be
You’ll find it here
And you’ll find it there
You’ll pretty much find it anywhere
Now take your time and find your worth
You’ll see it’s not so easy to unearth
Trust me now, I’ve seen it there
I’ve breathed it in like liquid air
I see you’re scared do not despair
You won’t find it here
And you won’t find it there
I've wondered on several occasions in the past couple of years of my life how much easier, or just plain not easy my life would be if I came out of the closet.
I have two counselors and one of them doesn't count anymore because she no longer provides her services. The one I still have contact with has always remained adamant about this subject, and how it involves me. Then again I wonder if his reasoning for this is backed by something potentially illogical?
I've been reading various entries throughout the site and I've noticed a few general things about it as such.
One thing I believe is that people come to this site in order to receive help, but so many seem to be looking for help that they don't ever seem to give much of it in return.
I'm not trying to accuse people of not trying to help but that seems to be the case. What I'm trying to say is that every journal entry I read either had little or no responses or the responses were, more than not, usually stemmed off from one particular response and thus changes the subject of what the original piece or writing was about.