I would LOVE any opinions on what my dream means.

I had a dream with my dad My friend and My friend A in it.

I don’t know why it makes me happy, but somehow it does. I’m still thinking about it obviously otherwise I wouldn’t be writing about it.

In the dream I’m going to My friends house, not where he lives now with UC, but his old house. The house where he and his mom used to live. The house I remember best. I’m going there with my dad in the red Ford Ranger that we own and were going to My friends, as odd as it sounds, because there’s something wrong with the truck and there’s this guy there that can fix it.

So we get there and we drive up the driveway and I think I can remember my dad smiling because the truck is going to get fixed, and we wait. After a short while of waiting I get impatient. I get impatient because this is My friends house and I’m sitting outside of it doing nothing with my dad. The garage door isn’t even open but I know that there’s a guy inside the garage who can fix our truck. Either way, I get sick of waiting and decide, since I’m friends with My friend and everything, that I will go inside where he’ll probably be.

So I go inside and his house is different. Not vastly and I didn’t go up the stairs I went downstairs to where I knew his room would be, which is not where it was when he lived there. It was downstairs to the left, but first I thought it was to the right, where it had been when I first knew him there. Instead of him being in that room there were two younger girls, sleeping and covered by blankets. Even though that is not something that I usually find at My friends in the dream it is normal and I decide not to disturb them and move on, letting them sleep.

So I go to the place where I figure My friend would be, which is in the basement area on the left hand side in a room that doesn’t actually exist in that part of the house. His room is bigger than I’ve ever known him to have, much bigger. Instead of him sleeping on his futon, like he normally does, he’s sleeping on the floor covered in his blanket. I remember the matted bunch on the floor I knew to be him, but I never saw his face.

Then for some reason I was out of the room and on the stairwell and My friend was up and about. He was moving all around the house and talking loud enough for me to hear him at the same time but I never saw him at all. I remember picturing him in the upper right hand side of the house, where I hear his voice, but I never did see him.

Then the dream changed. I wasn’t at My friends any more I was with My friend A and we, for only God knows what reason, were going to see Hannah Montana who for, Also God only knows what reason, some reason was playing in My Town. So we headed towards the movie theatre part of town, and somehow, ended up in the next town and for some reason that was part of the plan even though we didn’t seen Hannah Montana.

Then I got angry at My friend A because we weren’t going to do anything in the next town (which is not why I was angry at him) but were going to take the long way home so I hit him and said “Just because I’m the passenger I have to wait.” In a scowl. Then the dream was over.

Finally what I've wanted to happen for some time now has happened, he called me! He did it on his own time, and thus he actually wanted to talk to me. I could tell just by the sound of his voice.

We still didn't talk that long but either way I felt meaning in it. We talked about when school ended for us and that we should get together after that time. We talked a little about his mom from what I remember though right now I can't recall just why.

It felt SOOOOO good to finally get just that little bit of attention I got from him. Anyways I'm tired and my mind isn't functioning as well as it was when I was awake. I can't think of much more to say, so here's to later.

P.S. how do you get text to be bold?

Well I guess I feel ok, though that may be an overstatement. I just read the post that Jeff wrote on my last journal entry and there was some sense to it. I’m making all the apparent moves. My friend is never calling me, the most he’s done is text me, twice, and only one of them was actually fully addressed to me. Then in the second one he said “Hey dude id call ya but im really tired so ill talk to ya tomorrow then night man…Ill call u this time lol. (hope I remember? Lol.)” It was at ten oclock at night. Then like I said in my last entry he didn’t end up calling me, I called him. I really am going to have to stop communicating with him. It’s time for him to make a move, for crying out loud. I’ve been waiting for a call from him for a month and a half at least now, if not two months, and I haven’t gotten one.

Does anyone think that he could have actually just plain forgotten to call me? Or does anyone think that he may have said what he said because he wanted an excuse to be able to not call me? I’m still concerned that he has been bothered about what I’ve told him about myself. Every time I talk to him or get a text it always sounds fine, maybe even a little positive, but he’s never making any moves. I just know that has to mean something, whether it’s simply that he’s totally and overwhelmingly busy or that he just doesn’t want me or SOMETHING anymore. I don’t know what it is though, and he’s not talking so I may not know.

In my last phone call with him I said we needed to do something this summer and he said yeah, but other than that I have nothing to go on from him. I know I need to wait for his call but what if he simply doesn’t call, I don’t think I could just forget someone as important as he’s been. I mean, "The friendship that can cease has never been real." As Saint Jerome said. If I go half way through the summer without a phone call I feel I should call him, but if he hasn’t I’m over stepping a boundary and then things get even more shittier. I don’t know how to give up on this and I’m not ready to. I think it’s crap because I could give up on so much else, so much else, but this one person is so damn important to me…it’s ridiculous! Why can’t I use this type of energy to be a positive person? That’s all it takes to get somewhere after all, positivity, it’s even free, yet I don’t take much or any of it.

I hope someone hears me, I need something, any response would be nice.

Well I haven't don't much of anything but a lot of panicking lately. I have two papers due very soon, and the school years end is only getting closer. I'm glad I got one of them done, I'm turing it in today in about ten minutes actually, so forgive me of my typos, lol.

I finally got a hold of my friend, the one I've always been talking about. He texted me, so I called him back and eventually he texted me back saying he was to tired to call me and would call me later. He never did, but he had said he might forget (retardedly enough) so I called him around five thirty. He didn't answer, but then called me some time later. It wasn't really a phone call, he just got done running and said he was only calling to say hey and that was pretty much the whole conversation.

I miss him yes, but it seems like each day I'm missing him less and less, even if I don't know it. I think that what theghost told me still rings true, that being that time will spell things out, and spell them the way they should be.

Anyway I'm glad that you guys are reading and giving imput. Wish me luck.

Will talk or add more later.

Well I just wanted to let those who read know that I did receive a phone call from him the very day after I called him in fact. It was a very short phone call, but everything seemed A-OK, if not even positive. We didn't make any plans to do anything but that seems fine. We just talked for a couple of minutes and that was that.

I kinda think that maybe we've gotten all from each other that we can currently give right now. I'm not sure about that but either way I believe that we will always be friends and right now that is what I care about most.

I'm not really in the writing mode right now and don't have much to write about anyway. I just wanted to give you guys the update. Thanks for reading.

Later.

Well, everyone who's been reading, I FINALLY called him. I feel partially bad because I was orginally going to wait until next weekend to call him but today has been such a nice day I thought I wouldn't be going against myself to call him, and it's not like it hasn't been three weeks at least.

So when I called his phone went INSTANTLY to his voicemail...I guess his phone is dead at the moment. So I hung up real quick because I didn't know what to say. I actually planned out a short blurb, and repeated it exactly, with a little bit of a winded feeling, into his voicemail like ten minutes later. I tried calling this gay guy I know first, but he didn't answer so I just decided to take matters into my own hands. Here it is:

"Hi ______ I thought I'd give you a call to see what's up? I Guess your phone is dead or something though so maybe I'll hear from ya later? Anyway, see ya around."

It took like three to four seconds for his voicemail to end and the rest of the 13 seconds was all me. I just hope I hear from him, I'm already starting to imagine some dumb things. Like maybe he doesn't use his cell phone anymore? Or MAYBE he somehow set his cell phone up to block my calls? Or MAYBE he deleated me from his contacts and set it up to block all incoming calls that aren't in his contact list? I think his phone is just dead but I still wonder about other things, like I mentioned.

What do you guys think? Did I do anything wrong? Is his phone most likely just dead? I hope to hear from SOMEONE.

On a different spectrum I finally found out that my busted computer, which I had a waranty on, has been approved for replacement. I guess it was unrepairable. So now I will be able to get a better computer, worth far more, for only a 100 dollars extra. That pleases me, I just won't have a warranty any more, which displeases me. Anyway I really hope I like the new laptop, or that I can even get it for that matter, I really have to be quick about it. I could have ordered one TODAY but they have to wait for my old laptop to be shipped back to the Best Buy it was turned into. They put the code to give me my store credits with it.

Anyway, I hope to hear from some of you.

Will write more later.

Just a quick question here. If I recall correctly, there is, basically, an age requirement to be a member on this site, if you're over that then its the boot...at least I think...if that's the case, what happens to our journal entries after were gone?

I'd like to say more but there hasn't been much to tell about, and besides I've written a vast majority of everything already. I just haven't gotten a whole lot of response. Sorry.

Does anyone think my display pic is to revealing? Then I was also wondering if it really mattered whether we have "tags" on our journal entries or not?

Will write later.

Well I still haven't received a call from him but I don't expect him to call me anyway. I only hope he will eventually. I did however post a hey on his myspace page. It was just a simple hey, I don't see how that could break anything.

I talked with one of my college friends last night, I couldn't believe that he'd never even heard of the movie Big Eden, so hopefully we’ll get to watch it somehow, someway, even if it just involves me just lending it to him so he can watch it by himself.

I watched a movie called Loving Annabelle and I didn't think it was the best movie out there. They tried to make something good, in a simple believable way, but only came out with something halfway decent, at least I think anyway.

Anyway, I'm late for a homework session with a fellow college friend. Gotta go.

Tuesday, April 08, 2008, 8:14 PM

Well everyone I don’t know what to call it, but I’m having it. It’s not quite a week, but it also involves parts of last weekend and week so technically it’s been the length of a week but it’s not a week. I don’t think there’s a name for it. Anyway I’ve had an interesting whatever that’s called.

I’m somewhat depressed because in one part of my mind I realize that I might not be doing anything with my friend for some time now, but in the other part of my mind I keep saying that everything is going to be alright, that everything will be fine. The fact of the matter is I just don’t know.

After telling my friend what I’ve told him I just don’t know any more. I mean he seemed fine with it at first, but after everything that happened on our last Sunday together I’m guessing that something may be stirring in his mind. I feel like he may be having doubts or something. I don’t even know though. He said he’d call me sometime, he hasn’t though. So that also means that as far as my worries go, I may be worrying for no reason.

Don’t get me wrong I’m not making this the sole of my life right now but it’s been a whole week (even though that could be considered a small amount of time) since I’ve heard anything from him. Since I (hopefully) understand that he isn’t the center of my life I’m able to continue on with things without making him the center of it but if two weeks go by it will be harder, and if three weeks go by it might become unbearable.

Then there’s the regular school stuff. I got a D+ on a test I didn’t even study for. That was disappointing but surprising at the same time. I mean I put no effort into preparing for it, and I still, be it marginally, passed the dumb thing. It’s still probably going to take my grade down though. I’ve got what I feel is an acceptable amount of homework done for today, including the completion of one chunk of assignments. I feel like I balanced fun and work today but I still didn’t do it quite right, otherwise I would have also studied for the quiz I’m going to have tomorrow. Studying seems to be my downfall.

Is anyone into Portishead, the trip-hop band? They’re finally coming out with a new CD after TEN YEARS! I like their first CD, Dummy, best. Their second CD has some good songs on it and I just can’t wait for their third, conveniently entitled Third, CD. I just wonder if there’s anyone out there interested in such bands as The Prodigy or others like The Chemical Brothers, Overseer, The Crystal Method or Portishead?

Well on one final note: I was told “why not call him?” from at least two people. I’m afraid that I’ll be overstepping some boundary if I do. He may not want to hear from me and he did say he would call me…so shouldn’t it be that way? I can only understand that a call from me would be acceptable if it was forever since I heard from him, and even then I question its appropriateness. So let me know what you guys think, should I still call him after waiting for a while…if he doesn’t call me that is?

Peace for now.

I’ve found something to worry about, as usual. I’m worried that he won’t call, even though he said he would. He hasn’t this weekend, which is no big because I wanted some space and didn’t want to do anything with him anyways, but still. I’m worried that he just might not call, that somehow this may be the end of our friendship. I don’t know, and it’s a drastic worry, but I still worry.

I was talking with my therapist and he said that I’ve probably scared my friend. I think it makes sense too. My friend didn’t react terribly or anything, but I still wonder what he’s thinking on the inside about it. Then again maybe he isn’t bothered at all by it? He’s only seventeen though, and regardless of whoever thinks that’s fairly mature I believe that it’s not all the way up to par. Some people never are, no matter how old they get.

So maybe there’s a chance he really is scared and thus probably wouldn’t want to deal with the situation and stay away from me because of it? I don’t know but as of right now I think it’s just easier to wait for his call. So then what happens if he doesn’t call in say three weeks, including this week? Should I call him? Wouldn’t that be over stepping a boundary especially if he said he’d call? Is that even long enough to wait?

All in all though I have to understand that I’m finding things to worry about. None of these things are necessarily true, they just have the possibility of being true. I just wonder what you guys think. My therapist says that my friend is still immature and can’t quite handle something so out there, but I don’t know if he’s giving my friend enough credit. I’d just like to think that my friend is at least a little more mature than immature.

Anyways I guess I’ll leave discussion open. Hope to hear from some of you.

I do believe that I am in some kind of love with my friend and I think it needs to stop. I think it would be better for both of us because then I would stop day dreaming and he would mean to me what he truly does mean without out this fluffy layering on top of him. I obviously don't think he'd mean as much to me without the feelings I have for him.

I got together with him on Sunday and it was a disappointment. I didn't get anything I felt I needed from him, and I think I made things more confusing for him, IF he even paid half of his attention towards me. So I feel kind of lucky, if he didn't pay attention, because I kinda babbled on about some things that, when I think back, he didn't need to hear.

I believe that I have no luck with him, so I'm begining to think that it will be easier if we just, hopefully, die away from each other. I don't think that in whole t hough. It would be harsh if we just instantly grew apart from each other but I do wonder if it would be like when he moved? That being very hard to deal with at first but gotten over quicker because of the quickness. Like I said though, I still don't wholey think like that.

I don't exactly know what I think I'm just glad he said he'd call me after our last get together because I don't want to go to him this time. I came to him and what I got wasn't what I wanted. So if I wait for him to come to me I'm more likely to get something that I want. Keep in mind that I'm not talking about sex or anything drastic/far out there. Just some kind of wholesome conversation or something that can be percieved a type of closeness that good friends may have.

I don't know what I'm going to do when he's gone from my life though. He graduates from college next year for crying out loud and he's going to go away and do something else with his life. He doesn't want to stay in the town we live in. So it's a for sure thing that he's going to be going away, it's just a matter of time. One of the things that will hurt is if he doesn't give me any of his senior pictures, but even worse what if he doesn't say goodbye?

Anyways, I gotta go. Talk later.

I'm kinda nervous... I was talking with this person I know and he told me, and I beleive him, that my relationship with my best friend, who I've recently told I'm gay, is ONLY going to change, if I make it change.

My friend made out like nothing has changed when I told him, so that's why I strongly believe what I've been told about the potential for change in our friendship.

I just feel like there's a problem. I'm not going to try and change anything, not that I'M aware of anyway. It's just that I guess I feel like there should be some degree of change. Am I wrong?

I think I am wrong, but I just wonder. I just think that if things have carried on with my friend as long as they have with only an implied knowledge that things can certainly carry on the same way WITH the knowledge. I think that's the best bet, to settle things down, but any insight would be appreciated.

Sunday, March 23, 2008, 6:50 PM

Well everyone how was your Easter? I hope to the least of its extents that it was happy in some way or another.

I guess I’ll try and pick the things I deem worthy of telling. First of all, I feel like I can’t even truly be the way I am when I write in private because I’m not in private. I might not have the ability to express myself as I usually would because I’m in a public room, my laptop is currently in transit to some place where they are, hopefully, going to fix it. Somehow I ended up with it broken, don’t know how but it did.

It feels like spring break was the culmination of part of my life. I guess it’s a “life goal.” A life goal is what I call a point in one person’s life where they no longer know what their goal is because they’ve already achieved it in some way, form, or fashion.

What’s truly weird is that technically that’s impossible. I have several life goals including finishing my education, getting a job, taking care of myself and meeting what things I need about life fulfilled. Then again isn’t that everyone’s life goal? I think it is. I mean I can understand how for people in third world countries and other similar places it may be kinda hard to reach those goals so they may have others but isn’t the general idea to just further our lives and make them better? Isn’t everyone trying to do that?

I guess in the process of trying to make a point I stumbled upon something much more to the point. What I’m trying to say is that now that now that I’m back in college things don’t feel as right as they did. Something is different again, be it wrong or not. I’m questioning the purpose of my education being furthered, especially since it’s for something I don’t even see how I’m going to enjoy and I can’t help but wonder where I really want to go with my life.

The point is that I’m trying to do what everyone seems to be doing. I’m trying to further my life. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not appreciative of where I am, because I’ve made several strides over the years but can I ever be settled? How can I ever be settled? I can get my secretarial job and buy a house and a car but how will that be enough to make me happy? I know I will need those things but I feel like in the scheme of life they are just methods of advancement, or comforts of success. How can I survive without them but how do I continually survive with them? I think it can just as hard either way, now isn’t that ironic!

Over spring break I did nothing but hang with friends, go places, work a little, and spend money yet I feel like I had a better time in that one week and weekend than I did over the entirety of my Christmas vacation. I had a good time!

So far in my life I’ve been able to survive with other peoples help. It’s true that I am afraid of doing life by myself but right now I haven’t had to. I got by on spring break using my dad’s truck, my money, and other people (in a good way) and the comfort of just their presence. So I guess the only thing that concerns me about that is the fact that I haven’t realized what it’s like to struggle to pay the bills, to struggle along with the fine print of life. WHERE IS MY MOTIVATION! I can grasp the emotional aspect of it, but for me that’s the easiest part so it doesn’t count.
I’m pretty sure that I’ve strayed off subject but I think a point comes from it all regardless.

I don’t know what I want to do with my life but then at the same time it feels like all the things I want to do with my life are totally out of reach, or even worse totally useless. It makes things seem kinda pointless. Sincerely. I’m not going to give up or anything but something in me wonders exactly how I’m trying in the first place. How am I succeeding? I don’t care that I’m in college and that I haven’t flunked out. Enough of the world is capable of doing that.

I feel like I did more over spring break than I’m doing here and what I did on spring break isn’t what counts. It may help define me, sure, but it’s not going to help me with my intro to account class this summer. It’s not going to raise my D in my document production class. If it can’t help with what is really important why on earth does it feel more important than what it is unable of helping?

I find moments in life all the time, and they’re all important but why are they more important in my head than the one thing that should be most important in my head right now?

Ok, so I feel kinda bad.

As I’ve mentioned before things feel different now that I’ve come out to a few of the people I care most about. I don’t know what to feel anymore. I was talking with this girl I told, telling her that I need to find a new life goal, and she said that I should just find one. I mean, it’s a go figure just do it kind of situation. I don’t find it that simple though.

Thinking about guys and what I want to do with them, the very nature of my gay side has been something years and years in the making. Naturally I’ve had plenty of time to think about things but what my ultimate goal apparently was wasn’t something that I decided on in the blink of an eye, with a sheer mental jolt. Coming out was a goal that formed itself within my mind over a long period of time because I’ve never been completely sure of how gay I am. It’s just easier for me to identify myself as gay.

I feel bad because I don’t know what my life goal is anymore. I feel like I’m wondering around without a purpose and that’s really a worthless thing to do. I mean, we seem to thrive on our ability to keep ourselves busy, preoccupied, or something along those lines so why would we not want to be? I guess I could say that my next life goal is to finish college but even that seems so trivial. Think about it, the vast majority of the world’s life goal is to finish their schooling and get a job so they can support themselves. There’s gotta be more. I’m gay so I don’t see how it could be easy for me to get all religious but I suppose that is an option, but then anyone could have that option as well so where does that leave me standing?

I came out to my best friend and he still likes me for who I am, he still treats me normal, and nothing has changed between us, I just don’t know what more I could ask for right now. I need a car but that wouldn’t make me happier, it would just be a convenience for my life. What DO I need? I feel desperate for the answer. I feel hollow without it. I don’t care how cliché it sounds.

I also feel bad because I just bought a 320 GB external hard drive that I don’t need at all in any way… I just wanted it. I forked over 130 dollars for the thing and I’m probably just going to go back and return it. What a waste eh?

I also feel bad because I’ve got no one to talk to right now. All I have is what I’m typing right now. I feel alone at the moment. That’s never a pleasant feeling. I guess I’ll just finish this up and once again hope for a response that I probably won’t get.

Let me end with one final question. Please, SOMEONE answer. What did you feel like when you came out? Even if you haven’t come out yet, what do you imagine you will feel like? Can anyone relate to my feelings on it?

Well I checked my last entry and found that there are no responses so I assume I must of written something fairly decent if not good.

I also wanted to take the time to tell everyone who does read that I am officially out to everyone I deem it important to know.

I still feel terrible about it all, it seems so anticlimactic, but then again my sexuality has been what I feel the biggest point in my life for several years now, and now its not anymore...I have a void to fill.

my best friend knows, the one I said I only half came out too and he's just fine with it. Things will continue as normal, so long as I don't pull moves on him LOL.

Anyways, I leave on a note of slight depression. I don't know if I'll post any time soon, if at all.

Later.