We're waiting for the toxicology tests. We're hoping that they'll tell us what caused my brother to pass. I'm doing better over all, but I was really bad there for a couple of weeks. I basically cried every night. Just thinking about him, the shitty life that he got because of his mental illness, and all the things that I didn't do. I felt SO much regret for while there. I mean, remember what I wrote a few months ago???
That someone's entire life can be completely messed up by an illness. It completely frustrates me that my brother never got to live his proper life because he was "given"/developed/whatever schizophrenia. What child deserves that?!?!?! At thirteen his whole life changed because of this mental illness. It isn't fair. Because of it he was ripped away from his family so doctors could figure out what was wrong with him. And in the process, because of the way the illness changed him, he was robbed of his teen years that should have been spent at home with his family.
We laid my brother to rest last week. His funeral was...nice. I guess. I don't know. I cried a few times, but really I can't, or maybe won't let myself, cry in front of people. I was sitting on a couch in the room that had his casket in, and avoiding all the people I didn't know, which was pretty much everyone, and then my Grandma came walking over to me and I just blubbered. She made me cry, dammit! We couldn't do an open casket cause his body was in such rough shape because he was laying for so long before anyone finally found him.
Has anyone watched The Celluloid Closet? I really, really, really want to. Does anyone know where I can watch it online?
We were going through a bunch of old photos today to make some collages for my brothers funeral and, man, was that rough. I cried multiple times just looking at photos of him when he was a kid. I guess you'd need to know the history of our family and relationship to really understand. In brief, my brother was sent away when he was around 14 because he started acting out really badly and was diagnosed as a schizophrenic. So, I didn't see him all that much till about 10 years later when he moved back home. So, looking at the photos from before he changed just makes me sad.
It encapsulates so much of what I've been feeling about his death...
This Monday I found out that my older brother passed away. I've cried a total of, well, I don't even know how many times this week. I'm crying now. I just feel like shit. The whole thing was completely unexpected. We waited days to find out why he died only to be told that they can't conclusively say why he died, but they think it was heart failure. He was dead for at least 10 days before someone finally found him. What kind of a way is that to go out? We probably won't even get to do an open coffin; which is what I wanted. I wanted to see him one last time.
I want to get Pokemon Platinum!! I'm trying to get a used copy for relatively cheap, but I'm not having the best luck. I also want to play it online, but I'm having trouble getting a used Wi-Fi USB connector, too.
I have "Party in the USA" stuck in my head. How messed up is that? lol, I'll admit it's a very catchy tune, but seriously a Miley Cyrus song? Nooooo!!!! lol.
I'm still feeling pretty good about what my mom said about gay people, but now I'm curious if she still feels the same about gay couples adopting. A few years back she said that she thought is was "weird" and "wrong" for gay and lesbian couples to have children. *shrug*, I'm hoping something will happen in the media about gay couples adopting/having kids, so I can bring that up. I'm really curious as to how she feels about that now.
Me and my mom were walking home today and we were talking about the news that the Pope covered up abuse and eventually the topic turned to me ranting about how I don't believe in orgagnized religion and all their ridiculous rules and crap. So, right out of the blue my mom starts talking about gay people! She just starts saying how crazy it is that religious people hate them so much, and that gay people are normal and are just born that way, ect. And she kept going on about it. It was like she was trying to let me know that she is okay with gay people because she thinks I am one.
I'm going to be a bridesmaid this summer, so I was just taking a look at dresses on the Sears website and I found one that I like ----> http://www.sears.ca/product/jessica-md-halter-dress/4895774S?ptag=1. But, dammit it doesn't come in the right colour! The colour for all the bridesmaid dresses is cobalt blue. But that aqua is pretty! Also the length is pretty much what I'd like, around the knee, rather than a full down-to-my-feet-length. Annndddd The price is extra nice, $79.99!! Dude, I've been told to prepare to pay $200 for a dress!!! In no way do I want to pay that much.
I found out the major spoiler from Effy's episode. Arggg!!!!! Damn Internet! The truth is that I've lost interest in this season. I watched up until Katie's episode (#4) and then I just lost that intense need to watch. Some of it has to do with my computer overreacting when I watch videos, but it's also because the show just got so dark and boring and it hasn't been as good as last season. Or, at least it hasn't to me.
***SPOILERS FROM SEASON 4****
90210 kinda sorta started the lesbian relationship that's been over hyped the past few months. Well, they started their friendship, anyways. They really didn't get enough screen time in that episode, though. I get that it's an ensemble show, but, dude, they got what 5 minutes total throughout that entire episode? Not nearly enough time considering the amount that every other character and couple gets. Mandy Musgrave was also in the episode, but only in the background for one scene and she didn't even have any lines, so that was a little disappointing.
I had a dream last night where these two guys were trying to get into our house. It was scary! Eventually they did and one guy had a gun, so I threw something at his hand and knocked it out. Then I ran, grabbed the gun, and shot both of them, killing them. It was out of like an action movie or something. It kinda cool, but it had this seedy creepy undertone to it.
I just got Aimee & Jaguar . Basically, it's supposed to be about the true story of two women who fell in love in Berlin during World War 2. I just want to tear right into and watch it, BUT I want to save it for the weekend when I can really enjoy it. Has anyone watched it? How did you like it? It's going to be hard to wait a whole five days to finally watch it.