Sometimes I wonder...
If I'm numb.
Because I don't over react to things the way everyone else does...
Or I don't react at all.

Sometimes I'm completely emotionless...
to people's feelings.
Like when someone tells me something they expect me to be surprised..
And I just stand there not surprised or anything, really.

I know I have emotions...
I can be really happy, I can laugh (and I do A LOT), and I can be sad.
The thing is that I don't get depressed...
I feel I've only been depressed for one section of my life.

That slight depressive time had to do with one person...
all the chaos and bullshit that resulted from him being around.
I've never been more unhappy then I was through those 5 or so years...
It wasn't all horrible but the last 2 or 3 years of living with him were especially rough.

I've never been as scared...
as I was on those nights when he would lash out in an "episode"
I'd be in my room with my thoughts...
I swear to god it was like a movie, a really scary one.

That's one section of my life where I did have full emotions...
I was upset, I cried, I was completely frustrated, I never knew when or if it was gonna ever end.
I've never been so pissed with someone as I was with him...
and I was frustrated as hell and pissed that my parents wouldn't just kick him out for good.

The thing is I didn't even have an outlet most of the time...
No one/no where to vent so it mostly just built up inside of me.
I had *some* music for which I'm thankful for...
The band Staind in particular became important for me.

Maybe none of this makes sense or makes a difference to anyone...
but it sure feels good to just write something out.
At some point I'd like to journalize some of what went on during those years...
Seeing as I never could while it was happening (I didn't have the internet most of the time then)

Well, I've come to find out that I'm gonna be seeing a LOT more snow this year than the years before. Seeing as we moved recently(we moved more up north) and it's been snowing the past few days. Lots of snow! Which I love, because well I love the snow. I love watching it from my bedroom window. Well, I love it until I have to start taking the bus to go everywhere.

So, yeah. My dad sorta threw this idea at me the other day. He asked me if I would want to take this workshop that would help me figure out what I want to do job/career wise and I was like um.....ok. So yeah apparently I'm gonna do it. Part of me does want to do it because I'm still not totally sure what I want to do for the rest of my life. Although I'm pretty sure I want to work with animals. I always have been an animal person. I've always had pets(3 dogs, 1 cat, 2 Guinea pigs, lots of fish, a rabbit, and I think we had a bird at one point when I was younger). At the moment though we only have the 2 dogs, my cat's still alive(You wouldn't believe it but she's a little bit older than me she's 21 years old....she's like 100 in cat years lol) but my brother took her when we moved. Anyways about the workshop it should be helpful.

And to end on a delightful note. It's only 40 days(I believe) till Christmas. Yay!!! I have a feeling it's gonna be a lot better than the past couple years. Which makes it nice to look forward to it:D

sex is natural-sex is good
not everybody does it
but everybody should
sex is natural-sex is fun
sex is best when it's.. one on one

I think George Michael said it best don't you?......But I have to admit I land in the "not everybody does it" category. Although I want to at some point it just hasn't happened....yet. I had to post that little snippet of his lyrics cause they've been dancing around in my head for a couple of days.

Anyways. I finally went and bought Mass Effect for the Xbox 360, actually I think it was Bulldyke's saying it was awesome that put me over the edge to finally buy it:) I'd been meaning to buy it for a while but I had a lot of other things to spend my money. I actually bought it off this online classifieds site called Kijiji (odd name) the kid sold it to me for $10!!!!! And it's actually a really good game, awesome story telling and the voice acting is probably the best I've ever heared in a video game. So I'm very happy:)

I'm gonna be going to my oldest sisters house tomorrow to house/dog sit for 9 days while she goes away. So that should be interesting. I get to play my game that I just bought, eat whatever I want, surf the net, play my xbox games online, and watch some good movies(cause she always has some new dvds). God listenen to me I sound like a 12 year old boy. Oh well, soon enough I'm gonna be getting a new job that will suck that youthful energy right out of me lol.

Actually if anybody has an Xbox 360 and plays it online maybe we can swap gamer tags and play some games together:)

p.s I just noticed I've been using a lot of smiley faces. so here's one more:) Actually lets end my journal with something different:p

Ok. This just sucks. I just finished watching the movie Imagine You And Me. And I was so dissapointed by it. I mean there was soooooo much to love about this movie.

What I loved about it:
*I freaking looooooved both Lena Headey and the character she played.
*I actually liked Rachel's husband and sorta felt sorry for him when all this stuff is happening behind his back.
*I absolutly loved the awkward shopping scene(One of my favourite scenes)
*I liked the chemestry between the two actresses.
*It actually made me laugh quiet a few times.
*And I freaking loved Lena headey(if I didn't mention this already). I expected to love Piper's character because I loved her so much in Lost And Delirious. But nope it was Luce that I fell for. She was so confident but was torn throughout the movie. Plus I thought she was cute and I love the name Luce.

What I hated:
*Basically there's just the one thing but it's a huge thing. They are basically NEVER together as a couple. So I'm watching this movie anticipating the moment when Rachel tells her husband she's leaving him for Luce. And it doesn't happen till the freaking end. So theres hardly any of them being TOGETHER. You know like holding hands, holding eachother, kissing, and just being together in honest love.

It just dissapoints so much especially since it had so much potential. I liked so many things but them not being together for real just bugs me. It leaves me feeling unfufilled. Like there should be more to the movie. I don't know. Maybe I'm just weird. But I love watching movies. And with me being single and never actually had a real relationship with a girl. I have to make do with movies to make me feel good and emulate what I really want.

I still like it because there was so many things to like. But it stings when you want more. Has anyone watched this movie and felt the same? And maybe someone can recommend some movies for me.

I feel happy..... for the first time in a long while I feel happy. I feel content. After all the bullshit that has been going on at home for the last 5 or so years. All it took was My brother to be a good distance away and for us to move further away from him. The fact that he doesn't know where we live helps so much as well. I feel relieved. I don't feel stressed out. I can't even remember the last time I felt like this, all I know is it's been a very long time.

It's weird when I logged on here for the first time in over a year. I went to read my past journals and I came upon the one titled Home. I read it and honestly it almost made me tear up. It was like being back there. I remembered what I was going through and how bad it was then. I'm just glad it's not like that now. I hope that I never have to go through any of that or see my mom cry because of him.

I'm just happy that I now feel like in this new city. I can start over. That I can have a real life. I can get a job and make some new friends. Maybe join a gay group if there is one around here. That would be pretty awesome.

Okay, so the other day I was on facebook and some random dude added me as a friend. So I messaged him to ask if I knew him or not. He says he added me cause I seem to like hockey as much as he does. So I'm like okay. so we start messaging back and forth about hockey when all of a sudden he asks me if I have msn. So I give him my msn thing. so we're talking on msn about movies and stuff when it quickly turns to something else(guys are so transparent lol) he asks me if I have any pics. I say no. then he sends me to look at his. He was actually pretty cute (for a guy. anyways) Then he asks me what do I look like, my height, and body type. Then where do I live?????. I ended it there. I didn't want to string him along any further than that. I told him I wasn't interested in meeting him in person and what not. What a surprise that the minute I wasn't into hooking up with him, he didn't really wanna talk to me (about hockey or anything else) Next time I'm just gonna be up front. Hi! I'm a lesbian and I'm not interested in hooking up with random dudes off the internet. That should scare them off fast enough. Don't cha think?

I watching The Texas Chainsaw Massacre The Beginning today and Jordana Brewster (who was in D.E.B.S) was in it. So now I really wanna watch D.E.B.S. So if anyone can help it would be very much appreciated:)

I think it was about 2 or 3 months ago I was having this conversation with my mom while we were walking our dogs. Actually it was when that transgendered man was pregnant (Does anyone remember that?). I always try to bring up gay topics, to see what her views are as well as drop hints about my sexuality. So we were out walking our dogs when I brought up the story about the trans man who was pregnant. She said what I thought she'd say. That it was weird and what not. But she also said that she thought it was weird and wrong for two men or two "lezzies" ,as she put it , to have children. I was kinda taken back by that comment. I was like WTF (in my head of course). So I actually stood up and said that I didn't think that it was wrong and that single people raise children so what difference would it make if a kid had 2 mommies or 2 daddies. I think she was surprised that I said what I did. She was like quiet for a couple of seconds like she didn't know what to say to that. And then she finally said "Well, I guess they can't help the way they are born" and she looked at me.....it was kinda weird....like she said it because she finally realized that I might actually be a lesbian. lol. It was sorta alkward the rest of the walk home. Like she didn't know what to say and I sure as hell didn't know what to say.

Thing is I'm sorta passionate about gay people having kids because I want to have kids one day. I've always wanted to have my own family, my own home and all that great stuff. The fact that I'm gay doesn't change any of that. I still want it all. And that's my goal in life, that's my reason for living. I don't go through all the bullshit of life to one day be rich or famous or be a player. I wanna experience life, make new friends, have fun with said friends, fall in love, have girlfriends, kiss a girl for the first time, make love, maybe get married some where down the road, and in the end hopefully adopt or watch my gf/wife give birth to our children. Then watch them grow up. I just hope my family is there to celebrate becoming grandparents, Aunts and uncles.

Has anybody watched the movie But I'm A Cheerleader? I looooooved it. I watched it for the first time, like a year ago, and it was sooooo good. Graham was so cool and not to mention HOT! . I actually thought it was really funny and that there was good chemestry between the two main characters. And It's absolutly the best gay movie I've watched so far. One of my favourite lines is "I'm Graham and I like girls a lot, oh and I'm a homosexual" ha ha. I'm very into this movie right now I've watched so many times over the past year it's funny.

Hey! How is everybody doing??? I havn't been on here in over a year. Mostly cause I didn't have the internet at home but I got it back so I can finally start posting my random thoughts on here again thank god.

So anyways last time I was on here I was writing about how my skitzo brother was making my life an utter hell and that I wanted to move and that I wasn't out of the closet to anyone. Well my brother got his own place THANK GOD(or whatever I believe in, lol) and we moved last week. I can't tell you how happy I am that we finally moved. Plus after thinking about it for a while I changed my "interested in" thingy on Facebook to Women. So now all my friends(that I hardly talk to) now know that I'm gay.

This move has actually changed me a lot so far. I don't really feel trapped inside of my head anymore. Like I don't really care all that much if everybody knows I'm gay. I've just got a lot more confidence in myself AND my gayness you know? I'm still waiting to tell my parents and I think I'm gonna tell them when I'm in a relationship with a girl, it seems best.

There is so much more I wanna tell but I think I've written enough for now.

So moving on from the depressing crap I wrote yesterday. I read the Toronto Sun Newspaper like I do everyday and I was really happy to see the Toronto Pride Parade on the cover. Last week was Pride week here, on saturday they had the dyke march and on sunday the last day of pride week they had the big Pride Parade. I was reading the article about the 2 parades and now I really want to go next year, but that would mean a lot of change as in either making some friends that are also gay, bi or staight that would actually go. I hope that it happens cause looking at the photos and the news coverage of it made it look like a great place to be and just an awesome party all about showing your pride. All together watching the news about it made me feel happy and really proud of who I am and that I can't wait till I'm ready to come out of the closet and be myself.

I also was searching the internet for pride T-shirts and stuff like that and I came upon a few that I really want to get like this one black T-shirt that had pink writing on it that says "I'm the pink sheep of the family" and it had a little pink sheep on it too. Ha ha...I just really liked it, it caught my eye. There was a button that I liked too that said "You may be confused but I'm not"..I liked that one.

Okay I'm gonna have lyrics from the song Home by the band Staind throughout my journal cause they describe everything I've been feeling the past few days.

I force myself through another day
I can't explain the way today just fell apart like everything
Right in my face
And I try to be the one
I can't accept this all because of you I've had to walk away
From everything

Litterally everything seems to be falling apart around me. My brother is a skitzophrenic and has many issues with my parents so he's been raising hell at home the past few days and it hasn't been fun. He is supposed to take medication but he only takes it for a while then he slowly stops taking it, starts drinking, then he starts fights with my parents about whatever. I hate listening to the screaming and yelling and I'm always afraid it's gonna turn into more, it hasn't yet but that could change.

And I'm afraid to be alone
Afraid you'll leave me when I'm gone
I'm afraid to come back home

My sister asked me if I would go stay at her house from Wedsday to Sunday and watch her dog for her, because shes going away and can't take her dog and her dog can't come here cause she's in heat and my male dog isn't fixed, and she doesn't want anymore pupies. It would be nice to be in a change of senery but I'm now reluctant to go because I'm scared of what's gonna happen at home while I'm gone. I hate being under this stress of always wondering what my brother's gonna do next. It's not good for me nor is it good for my parents.

Another sleepless night again
Hotel rooms my only friend and friends like that just don't add up
To anything
And I try so hard to be
Everything that I should never take away from you again
'Cause I heard ya say

I'm up a lot of nights wishing that there was a way to get away from him, because frankly I don't want to live with him anymore. I do understand that he is mentally ill and going through a lot of stuff too, but I can't take the fact that I can't even leave my little dog at home. I don't trust him one bit, either he'd scream at her for barking or throw things at her or he'd let her out of the house cause he doesn't give a crap. Which means I take her everywhere I go and if she can't go I don't go, it's sad but I don't care I WILL not leave her with him. If he ever did anything to her I would never forgive myself and I WOULD do something to him.

I live through this
I can't see through this
I can't do this anymore

My parents are really in debt now, let me tell you that's not fun. A combination of things have put them in the hole, mortgages, new van, new roof, new windows for our house, credit cards, loans, ect. So now I've been hearing my dad say he wants to just let the house go, move up north and rent a small house and basically start over without my brother. Now I want that too, honestly I would love to do that, I mean a new house, new city, chance to make new friends and no more brother. That would be amazing but they probably won't do it cause I mean thats a big change. But he's talked about it multiple times so I don't know, I know he would do it if he could but I don't know if they can really do that.

'Cause I'm afraid to be alone
Afraid you'll leave me when I'm gone
I'm afraid to come back home
Afraid you'll leave me when I'm gone
I just wish I was back home
Home

I wish I could go back home. Technically I'm at home but I don't feel like I am, this isn't the home I grew up in, the one I felt comfortable in, the one I was happy in and had sleep overs. It has become a house, a house filled with hate, anger, yelling and fighting. I'm no longer comfortable, or feel safe, I feel as if a fight could brake out any time now. I get depressive now and I never did before. I curse I never use to ever swear. I hate him and I never really knew him before. I just wish I could get my home back and my family back, that would be nice.

Yesterday I woke up around noon because its summer and I have absolutly nothing to do nor did I have anything to look forward to. So I woke up sweating a little because of this dam heat, and I looked out the window cause I heard some boys talking loudly outside. When I looked out I saw two boys and one girl sitting out on the curb in front of my lawn with their backs facing me. I looked at the girl and she turned her head to the side as she was talking to one of the boys and I realized something in the few secounds of looking at her, that I was attracted to her, I was attracted to this girl, I just had this instant attraction to her.

She reminded me a bit of the tomboy in the movie Show Me Love, her skin was the same tone or maybe a little darker and her hair was black and up in a ponytail. Her clothing from what I could see since she was sitting down, was a basic baggy T-shirt and a pair of loose jeans. And I became more attracted to her cause thats me, I hate wearing tight clothes, they're not for me and I rarely see girls that where regular tee's and loose jeans. It was attractive to me that she was hanging with boys the way I do she was a regular girl and someone that I could get along with, if only I could meet her.

I tried to think of a way to go out there and meet her, like if only my dog didn't bark at everyone, I could take her out there and let her run up to the girl and then I could say "I'm sorry about that, but she seems to like you" and then start a conversation from there...ha ha if only it were that easy. I don't know there was just something about her that made me want to take a chance and get out there and meet her. That maybe this was my chance to get a girlfriend or at least a very possibly a gay friend. I'm so shy that just the fact I was thinking about talking to someone I don't know made me think that maybe it was some kind of sign you know?

So as I was sitting on my bed looking through my window at this girl and trying to find the courage to go out there and meet her, the three of them got up. It was then that I realized that she was a he....I can't tell you how dissapointed I was I was like WTF??? how does someone look so much like a girl from one angle and then a boy the next. Man, my first real crush in a long time and it turns out its a boy. It's also funny that I was so attracted to the girl I saw but when it turned out to be a boy I was so turned off and I even went ew.....where did the girl go? Now I'm wondering If I'll ever find a 'real' girl like that again, I mean one that's like me that dresses like a tomboy and doesn't care what any one thinks. I just want someone whos regular if that makes much sense, someone who doesn't give a crap about what people think. I dunno but I hope I do find someone cause this one hurt:(

Has this happened to anyone else? like You liked someone and then they turn out to be a different gender.

Well, today was a pretty busy day for me. My dog (she's a shitzu mix)has fleas and I have no idea where she got them from, she hasn't been in any contact with other dogs except my other dog (he's a Chow Chow) and he doesn't have fleas and he never has, somehow. My mom figures that she got fleas from the grass cause apparently they are lurking out in the lawn. So anyways today I vacumed the carpet in my room, then threw all my sheets, blankets and pillowcases in the washer. I took my two dogs for a walk with my mom in the intense heat although there was a nice breeze once in a while. Then right when we got home I bathed my dog and used lots of flea and tick shampoo, she's always good in the bath she'll jump right in and everything, that's if I'm just rinsing her but she usually hates having the shampoo put on her. This time she was totally fine with it, no whining or anything she just stood their and let me lather her up, which made it so much easier. I rinced her off after approximtly 5 minutes, dried her as best I could. Then I vacumed my mattress and I vacumed my carpet once more. So as you can see my day revolved around my dog but it's all good as longs as those pesky fleas dissapear.

On a random note that has absolutly nothing to do with the above. I added this fortune cookis application to my facebook profile and my fortune said "She's the one" It's funny cause I don't even have male or female checked off in the interested in part of my profile, because my friends are on there and I'm not out, so yeah. But I left it there and didn't get a new fortune we will see if they say anything or not. So is it a sign or what? But I dunno it was just weird and kind of funny that that was the fortune I got.

Well, like I said in my last journal entry I've been finding friends on Facebook that I haven't seen since I finished school about 2 and a half years ago. So I found one of my friends who I have know since elementry and I always remember how I gave her one of those juice gummy candies (you know the ones your mom would always pack in your lunch bag) and she was chewing it and all of a sudden her tooth came out ha ha good old memories. Anyways I added her and she accepted, so when I looked on her profile it said that she is interested in men and women and she was also in a group that was for nympho bi-sexuals. So yeah apparently she's bi but I don't know, she's a big partier likes to get drunk and get high so we wouldn't make for best friends I know that. It's not that I'm opposed to having friends who are like that it's just that they find me a bit boring cause well..I'm not like that. But it's just interesting to know what she's up to.

On a random note... The other day I was watching Video on Trial 80s edition ( My fellow Canadians should know the show..If you don't know it, its a show that they have comedians and other ppl basically make fun of music videos and then thay decide if it sux or not) So they had this song She Bop by Cyndi Lauper I have never seen the video nor did I ever hear the song before. It was funny cause apparently Cyndi Lauper got in trouble back in the 80s because the song is really about Masterbation ha I was laughing the whole way through watching it. There's all sorts of hints that it's about masterbation like a sign that says "Masterbingo" and stuff like that. You can probably find the video on youtube or somewhere and it's good for a laugh and you'll see how tame it was compared to what singers are allowed to sing about and what they can do in music videos now.

One more thing did anybody watch the MTV movie awards? It was pretty good especially the beginning, oh did Paris Hilton get dissed or what? Sarah Silverman was good as host she wasn't afraid of dissing everyone that was in the audience. I can't remember exactly what she said but basically she was like "Paris is going to jail everybody, yeah I heard that to make her feel more comforatable in jail they are gonna paint the bars to look like penis' I'm afraid she's gonna break her teeth on them" Ha, I laughed pretty good after that one:D and then the camera went to Paris and she looked really hurt by that(obviously) but yeah maybe she was being a little harsh on Paris but I dunno???

So yeah that's what I have to write about and thanks for reading:)