Since my last entry I think I feel better.
I think.
I've noticed that I have gained weight. I look almost average.

I forgot to mention that before my last entry I ran into the bathroom with a pair of scissors and cut away at my hair. I hated having to pay so much attention to my hair and my face and my body, so that was my way of saying, "Fuck it, I don't care anymore."

So, I have short hair now. I actually cut it pretty well, which made me laugh.
I'm not all happy though. I really wish I was. In math today I was trying as hard as possible not to lose my mind. I was looking at the people around me, particularly this one girl. I don't want to talk about how much I've suffered internally thanks to her. Maybe it's just me, at this point I don't want to know. This girl is the kind of self-absorbed person I seem to be attracted to, because this is indeed a pattern. In fact, I've had two girls I know do this same thing to me. At the same time.

Part One.
Niko meets person. Person is totally unique and fearless, which Niko admires.

Part Two.
The person reveals themselves to be into some shady things. Niko, instead of using his common sense and rejecting them, thinks them even cooler. Niko feels bad about himself for not "being cool like them" and being already well-established in said shady things.

Part Three.
Person is never constant. Some times they are best friends with Niko and other times they ignore him. Niko craves their attention and is crushed when they find one of his jokes not funny or hardly talks to them.

Part Four.
This continues. Niko just wants to crawl into a corner and die.

Part Five.
EPIPHANY. Niko realizes that person is a self absorbed stoner. It's painful at first because he cares so much about them, but the ever-increasing evidence of their ego and rudeness makes it clear.

Part Six.
Niko is released.

Except, with Part Six, today I had a bit of a relapse. I smiled at one of said girls. I feel bad about avoiding her. But I let it go too far, I think. I smiled at her again and then tried talking to her. I mentioned something about the math homework and how I'd written something correctly but the teacher had marked me wrong.
"You probably did the math wrong."
"No, that wasn't it."
"Yeah, okay... whatever."

This person thinks no better of me than they ever have. I throw myself out there to have them shoot me down. I can't stand it. As soon as I could I left the classroom and stayed out for the rest of the period. I don't know how I can survive it anymore. I wanted to die.

And I'm what, 15?
This is hugely unsatisfactory.
This had better not continue, or
I demand a refund.

ALSO
stoner boy's mom saw my mom jogging (hahaha!)
she was talking about how badly he is doing in school. Like, really badly.
"Oh, he never has any homework."
Really? That's funny. I guess I must just get different assignments even though he's in nearly all my classes. I know he doesn't do it at school.

My mom says stoner boy's mom has NO IDEA why he suddenly isn't doing well. Like, none at all. This boy was seriously smart in middle school, no joke.

The thing is, should I tell my principal or someone else about it?
I mean, the last definite proof I have of him doing drugs was back in I think October, when Person was talking to him on AIM. He didn't know I was there. He talked about what he had been smoking, and that he might start dealing.

How do I know he hasn't stopped since then? How do I figure it out?
Help.

I have to say I hate my physical appearance as much as I did in 7th grade. Honestly, I've had three 18+ year olds say "awww you're really cute"

and i think they must be deluded. i honestly have no idea what anyone sees in me. i know i still look kinda awkward because i guess i'm not done growing but it's driving me crazy. i'm trying working out and i fence, and i feel great when i'm fencing. i'm trying to bulk up but i don't know how much it's helping. I feel like i'm doomed to always be awkward looking, like a fucking giraffe. ugh.

do i sound superficial? because i really mean all this from the bottom of my heart.

i purposefully avoid all situations where i might have to be wearing a swimsuit or anything, it's messed up. i don't know if i have a problem but i just can't stand myself. i really can't.

i feel like crap. care to help me figure out what's wrong?

oh, on a lighter note:
i actually talked to some of the same art class kids from last week's installment, and one girl lives right smack in my neighborhood! she's nice from what i know of her. i'm working on my fashion drawing, and i'm doing really well! i bought an issue of Out, and an issue of Paper. Whatshisname from gossip girl who plays Chuck? He's gorgeous. Holy shit.

i have a definite urge to go gay bar hopping avec mes copains. Except, do I really know any gay guys I would want to go with? Not really. If I did I would be dating them already. Oh well... I'll go alone. Ha ha.
Seeing as I live near West Hollywood that's a total joke.

I had the unpleasant situation of adding someone on facebook whose picture was completely decieving as to their true selves. What looked like a lean cute british boy was not, and i feel really really bad. but i added another boy who is definitely just like his picture, seeing as his picture is pretty much BAM, full shot. He's really cute. But so is the boy I can't date and am attempting to banish from my mind. It's actually kind of working.

I need more gay friends, meaning: people i can relate to. Not just because of the fact that they're gay, that's stupid. Just because there's another gay guy doesn't mean we have anything in common and/or need to hook up.
Which is something I'm learning.

Today, I got to help out in a play that my drama teacher's friend is doing. like, professional. like whoa. super fun, even though i messed up and it was awkward.

at art class the last two guys i was silently praying were repressed gay tops ended up "flirting" with the girls next to me, if you could call it that.

"yeah, like, one time i got this sunburn? and it was like, red (points), red (points), and then my sides were like, regular."

"omg that sucks! i had, like, this time where i went to the beach with my friend and we went in the water and then, like, all of a sudden, this wave, like, swept ALL our stuff away. Like, her cellphone, her iPod (the other girl gasps)"

real quotes. i thank god every day that though i can still get aids and my ass will be sore more often, i am still not straight and thus don't have to go through this ordeal.

i had a plunge in self-confidence during art, and i felt ugly and stupid and all that good stuff. however, i came home, dressed totally crazy amazing, and now i'm going to a party. i feel better already.

it seems like saturdays are always depressing and i feel like shit and i feel like i look like shit. shit shit shit.

:]
oh, and
i talked to starbucks boy and he turned me down :[
he said he wanted to but the distance was a problem...
it hurt.

what's happened to you, amory blaine?
fucking boys
with personalities
like the melted butter
you almost burned
because you can't cook for shit
but you're learning, amory blaine
just what it's all about
and life is looking up
just turn out the light
personalities don't glow in the dark.

so, i've decided.
i'm going to seduce stoner because i wrote down that i wanted to room with him during our school trip. i'm nervous though.
what if it gets around?
i don't want to lose what i've worked so hard to gain.
i don't want people to call me a slut.
i'm not i'm not i'm fucking not!
god.
i don't even like him that much! i hate his personality, but i really want to fuck him. but then i know it will get around and it's just too much to deal with. and i know how antigone will feel. antigone is my best friend forever since second grade. she'll be disappointed in me, as she should be. but ughhh. arrrg.

i talked to starbucks boy :]
he's sweet and smart and confident and has a job (obviously) and he's everything i'd want in a boyfriend.
so, maybe it'll work out?
i might ask him.
should i ask him tonight?
i think i should wait... what if he's into hard drugs?
that'd be quite a plot twist. he's told me he smokes pot every once in a while, but that didn't really bother me much.
for my mother he's my "friend from camp". well, he's my friend from camp's best friend, so it's not that far of a stretch. no, wait, scratch that. i told her the truth about that. go me!!!
i'm listening to allen ginsberg.

when can i go into the supermarket and buy what i need with my good looks?

The person who the letter in my last entry was addressed to has suddenly made quite an effort to be friendly again. I'm digging Greek Myths, so I'll call her Phaecia. Phaecia's the one who fell in love with her stepson and then killed herself.

Anyways,
Phaecia kept asking if I was mad, and my heart went to mush. Sure, she still ignored me when her "bestie" who "is the only one who truly understands her" came up, but until then she was nothing short of sweet. I managed to croak out that "we just haven't hung out for a while". In actuality, she's stopped making an effort to be my friend now that she's found a "real friend". Or at least that's how it feels. I'm pretty darned sensitive when it comes to that. It might be I'm sort of jealous of her too. She's always going to parties and having fun and going crazy while I focus on doing well in my classes so some day I might have one of my wildest dreams come true and go to Oxford University.

I'm only human.

Since Valentine's Day is tomorrow, i'm plotting out which boys in my life are worth my time and which aren't.

1. Jimmie
He's fucking gorgeous.
He's 16.
We've dirty talked over the telephone.
....he lives in bumfuck northern california.
NO OFFENSE TO NORTHERN CALIFORNIA
but he's really out there.
And our only means of communication is MySpace and that is a long distance relationship I would rather avoid.

2. Julian
Even farther away (can you say "another state entirely"?)
18 *warning bells*
adorable.
amazingly sweet.
...really sensitive. hmm.
far away.
18?

3. Stoner
I'm just calling him stoner, because, well, he is.
somewhat cute.
amazing body.
at one point he had an amazing personality but whatever he's smoking has pretty much taken it all out of him. He never does any homework and just sits in class going "um...haha...i don't know...."
maybe i'm being too prude-ish but it really bugs me.
no effort, whatsoever. all he wants to do is sit around and let his life slip away.
...and yet i have a desperate want of hot sexy romance explosion with him.
WHY?? can anyone explain this?

4. starbucks boy :]
adorable
18 :0
works at starbucks
lives not too far away, like half an hour...
amazingly sweet. a pleasure to talk to.
18.
he's my friend's best friend, but i've still never met him in person...?
uh oh.

tell me what you think, i'm at a loss.
happy early valentines day, by the way. ha ha ha.

hmmm.
I was tempted to just copy paste this little thing I wrote a few days ago. I wrote to a so called "friend" of mine who is in the habit of snubbing me when someone more interesting is in the vicinity. i wrote it as if i was writing to los angeles.

gahh. fine, i'll paste it in.

Dear Los Angeles,
I would have thought, seeing as our mutual friend is so kind and selfless, that you would be much of the same. Therefore, it was painful to realize my error in judgment. Your flashing lights, Los Angeles, entranced me. But, what are you without your flashing lights, your colors, tes vêtements? Industrial desert. Gentleman’s clubs. Cheap motels and rotting bungalows. You have few redeeming qualities Los Angeles, and the few you do you save for your “real friends”. I have tried to understand these “real friends”, and I am in no place to judge them, but, honestly, what have they done for you? Throw cigarette butts out their windows on your freeways; chase the well to do with cameras? Are these really good influences, Los Angeles? When I go to school I see smog over your hills. Is this your choice in vices, or the coercion of those you consider your “real friends”? What makes a “real friend” for you, Los Angeles? If I am to be one of these people you hold in such esteem, am I required to pollute my body like you’ve polluted your mountains? Have I no other alternative but to get drunk with you, smoke with you, to gain your love and constant attention? When I am alone with you, Los Angeles, it seems, you are the person I think so highly of. I sit in Huntington Gardens and forgive you every wrong you’ve done, watching the ducks.
But these times are fleeting. Within moments of your friend’s arrival you have snubbed me, totally and utterly, and I am alone with the lights of the valley.
Which is why I must tell you, Los Angeles, tease me no longer. I am not your best friend, good friend, or anything of the sort, and you cannot tell it is true, for you are lying. You’re lying with your trendy clubs, your fancy stores, your high rises. And the day it all disintegrates I hope to be far away from you. I could not bear to see your final gasp, Los Angeles, for I have seen it in my dreams too many times. You’ve never left this valley of your self-absorption, Los Angeles. You’re trapped. You’re tied down with your subways and sewer lines and you think you’re on top of the world. I know better than to hope you will see what you do to me, Los Angeles. I will wait no longer.

Best Wishes,
Niko

AHHHSUPEREXCITINGNEWS
so, this play i wrote.
setting: lake otsego, new york state (near cooperstown. anyone been here? it's gorgeous.)
some time in either the 1930's or a little earlier.

characters:
Robert, a banker in his early thirties, in the midst of a very public divorce.
Lily, his sister. A 20 year old, engaged to handsome George Mason.
Harry, their brother. An artist attending an ivy league boy's college.
George, Lily's fiancé. The heir of a substantial fortune.
Sam Greeve, his good friend. Sam is condescending and formal. Secretly hugely jealous of George. In love with Lily.

I probably just made it sound completely retarded. But it might be staged and everything, I'm super excited! I started writing it in 7th grade and god knows i couldn't even imagine it getting to where it is now. I've grown so much (mentally and physically), and the play has grown too.
I think I will call it "On the Lake", a title my drama teacher suggested.

oh, and it's a ghost story.
:]

I've decided all my journal titles will be song titles.

So, this is officially my first entry.
I came out officially in 8th grade, so last year. I'm pretty certain I'm gay, but I have a problem with the label.

Okay, so this was in this book we're reading in history:
"...preferences do not necessarily entail avoidances...I see no evidence that people endowed with opposite-sex preferences are also endowed with a predisposition to loathe and avoid same-sex relationships. And this holds the other way as well. That is, I strongly doubt that the small numbers of humans who are predisposed to prefer same-sex relationships are born with phobic tendencies toward the opposite sex. I doubt, in other words, that there are any obligatory modes of human sexuality at all outside of those imposed by cultural prescription."
-Marvin Harris, Our Kind
most of the book is pretty science-y but it's actually pretty cool. Like, explaining the evolution of everything in our culture. Is it bad to actually enjoy my history class nowadays?

Anyways, I side with Marvin Harris. I think everyone is pretty much bisexual. I feel no need to specify that I'm gay because I certainly could be attracted to the right girl.
Quite simply, my sexuality is:
mostly penises.

:]

I'm 15. I'm shy at only the worst possible moments, but I'm proud of the fact that I've become very social and friendly otherwise. I relate to people older than me more often than those my age (I'm sorry, but I could really care less who's dating who, or who said what, or any of that crap. It's a waste of time.)
i'm an optimist. if i was a pessimist i would be dead by now. I wouldn't have made it through half the stuff I've been through.

I'm proud of the fact that I handle just about everything well.
If my parents died I would probably be off suicide watch within a week.
I dearly love to laugh. I'm a happy person, I like talking to people and having fun.

my current obsession: https://emp.ucsd.edu/swf/screenclean.swf
after dealing with stupid people at school today this made me feel like a million dollars.

I'm lucky to have understanding parents who have more than accepted my sexuality. I have a therapist, and he's swell (and gay).

I live in a city as superficial as it is sunny.
I love the rain.
I have enviable life-zest.

I've been meaning to start writing for a long time. A lot is going on with me right now (I've gotten leads in two plays), all of the changes are for the better at the moment. I'm excited.

C'est Moi.