Constructive criticizm would be awesome. Thanks. I dont know how to do the italic thing on a website so when it sounds like its in first person its the main character talking in her head and when it sounds like its in third person its the narrarator. Sorry that its confusing.
CHAPTER 1: First there was cold EXPECTATIONS

Being confused with my sexuality was bad but I think gender is even worse. I wake up some days and am really unhappy with the fact that I have breasts and a vagina. Then I'll go to bed and wake up and be okay with my body. But two weeks ago I had that feeling and it hasnt gone away since. For the past couple of months I've identifies as bi-gender/androgynous so I dont have to deal with it.

I played HORRIBLE today at my basketball game. Not like a couple of mistakes but every play I pretty much fucked it up. Total playing time: 4 minutes, I was that bad. I feel bad for my family they were trying to cheer me up and I treated them badly. I'll have to say sorry to them tomorrow.Oh well hopefully I'll NEVER play that bad again. I'll just call it an off day.

Good news in my life right now: Im going to NYC in 2 days and am going to see rent and do some christmas shopping.

If you read my journal entry a while ago you probably read that I was going to do this youth panel (go around to schools and talk about what its like to be gay) thing for Outright Vt a queer youth support thing. The catch was that I had to go to this training thing which I knew nobody and I suck at meeting new people so yeah I was freaking out.

Well I went yesterday and at first I was just yawning on the couch wondering what the fuck I was doing there. Then this girl started talking to me and then I started talking to other people and had a blast. Its so wierd thinking about how all 15 people that were in the room are queer. Its cool.

When adrian updated the site my login wouldn't work. So after many days of swearing at my computer I got a hold of adrian and he fixed it(thank you adrian) and so here I am again. Now I don't have the @drupal thing on the back of my name anymore. Just the emo ForeverEndedToday. I actually got that from a song (Forever Ended Today by Remember Maine).

I did it. I am now going to part of a group that goes around to schools and talks about what its like to be queer. I think what OutrightVT does is really cool and this is my way of thanking the people who came to my school and gave me the courage to come out.yep.

I think someone on here should write a story Im getting really sick of reading the same old queer book over again. One might say quit complaining why dont you right one. There answer would be I am but its a memoir so its gonna take a year.Anyway there are a lot of smart people on here and I just think it would be cool to see some stories on here.

*does happy dance* Yep JV basketball and theres only 2 sophmores and the rest are freshman so ill probably get really good playing time now i can go back to my "normal" sleeping habits. *does happy dance one more time*

I am extremely nervous in regards to results of basketball tryouts. I either make JV or be on the "taxi" team and play in practices but not in games. Which would suck-a lot. Yeah so nervous. Say goodbye to my sleep tonight.

so.sore.stretched.places.I.never.thought.existed.Will.get.over.it.just.needs.some.place.to.complain.sorry.:).

Is it some type of anomally that i dont have a close relationship with my mother? I dont get it. Everyone around me is like omg I love my mother but I just dont feel that way. I want to get close with her I do but everytime I try to she says something to upset me and i get mad. For example I came out to her so I could stop lying and she said it was a phase. Then whenever she gets stuck on a question where she cant come up with an excuse she always says some mean thing about my dad or stepmom.Im not sure i love her. Its like because someone is your parent gives life to you your supposed to automatically love them. Or maybe im just being a bitch.What I want is a mom not a mother. Does that make sense? Im really close with my stepmom but its not the same.

The sad part is i didn't even eat that much candy. Only I could get sick on Halloween. I needed to be in class today to because of a lab in physics and something else in math. err i hate how people can get sick. I think I have the flu or something least im over it now.

I can officaly say im 14. Now i wont get weird looks when i tell people that im 13 and a freshman.Plus I look much older than a 13 year old cause of my height.I love the weather right now its rainy which puts me in my best mood.i guess todays gone okay it jsut doesnt feel like my bday at all.

My dogs whining is driving me crazy im going to go play with him. peace.

P.S. remember to set your

My sister packed up all her stuff and headed to utah. Shes been planning this for a year but its sad cause im realizing how much im going to miss her and its going to suck having her not around. We were just starting to get close and then it was the deadline for her moving out there.

Shes coming back for christmas which i guess is good but I want her around whenever not jsut on holidays. You know life kinda is a pain in that way.

Ok i just finished reading that book (House of Leaves). Um yeah im kinda sketched. That was so i dont know I want to say weird but cool but at the same time disturbing but funny. i dont know my mind is like kinda still trying to grasp it really.
If i hadnt bought that book in the fiction section I wouldve thought it really happened. Dude that book has kinda changed me. Wierd I know but like some of the stuff espically Johnny says and in the Appendix and In the house ok so actually everything its so... I cant describe it. People you have to read this book. Even the way this book is set up will like kinda mess you up. its weird just read it.

Yup starting monday Ill be in braces for the SECOND time. The doctors took me out of them before I was ready so I have a pretty messed up bite. So i get to miss the lab that I have to do in order for them to put them on me and I have no idea how i am going to make it up. Which is great. Im going to be in them for 9 more months. I was in them for 20 i think before.

least I wont get anymore headaches after this.