Hi, I'm not sure if anyone remembers me; it's been 9 months since I last posted! So re-introduction...
Name: I used to go by kaleigh (ew) on here, but I'm identifying as ftm now, so it's Kyle
Pronouns: Male
Grade: Junior
Age: 15

A lot has happened since I last posted (most of it depressing, sorry) so I'll just put into a list some of the major things that are worth mentioning.

1. I've started to accept myself as a transsexual and plan on taking hormones and getting chest surgery as soon as I come out to my parents or I turn 18. I guess I'm back in the closet again which sucks, but at the same time I know that I'm not ready to come out to everyone. When I came out as a lesbian I don't think I had enough time to process it myself. Does that make sense? What I mean is as much as being out to everyone is great, it's also good to be able to have the time to think about what it means to be queer. Can you tell I'm trying to be optimistic? haha

2.I finally started seeing a therapist for PTSD/depression. I got prescribed an anti-depressant and had a severe reaction to it, which affected my judgment horribly. Long story short, I ended up taking 16 pills at once (1600 mg). Why I did it is a hard for me to put up here on Oasis for the world to see, but if you want to know you can PM me and I'll explain.

3.On a more happy note, I made the foreign exchange program at my school! I'm going to Spain for three weeks! I'm nervous and excited at the same time. Anyone who's been in a similar situation have any advice on living with a host family, or any useful information?

4.Sophomore year is over! It's so weird to think that when I was in 5th grade I used to think it was never going to end! Now I can see the finish line (pardon the sports analogy ;-) . Two more years..and then college ugh hahha

It's cool coming back to Oasis and seeing some names I remember and others I'm like "Who the hell is that?" haha Speaking of usernames I really need to change mine; it's kind of emo to say the least. Is that possible? Has anyone changed theirs?

Anyways, Hi again everyone!

Before I get into the story: I swear I'm NOT a gym gladiator.
My friend Caroline and I decided that we would just take the easy way out and play goalie for handball because of the stupid rule that everyone has to participate. Everything was going well (hadn't broken a sweat) and then I decided to intercept a pass. Bad idea. Well, I got the ball but in the process this guys hand hit me right on the bridge of my nose. And then came the blood. A lot of it.

To make a long story short after crying for 20 minutes they decided I needed to go to the hospital. Let me tell you if you're in pain take morphine. There should be a holiday given to whoever created that magnificent drug haha As soon as the shot was given I was very happy lol

The good news is I didn't end up breaking my nose, the bad news is I can't play sports for a week and homecoming is tomorrow. At least I can work on my yelling skills haha

The atmosphere in the air, the kind of cold/kind of not feeling, the way people are, the colors, the smell of everything, I love fall. It's so beautiful in Vermont when Fall comes, I want to be outside constantly. I'm not really liking being in between seasons right now, it just feels weird, especially when I'm so anxious for fall to get here.

I've made up my mind. Basketball sucks and hockey is better haha jk but I do like hockey better (no offense to any basketball players). I'm not going to play basketball this year, instead I'm going to try to re-learn hockey/attempt to. It's going to be pretty interesting seeing as how I can't stop anymore. Oh well. I really miss the sport, and let's be honest, I sucked at basketball. And it does help that my crush plays hockey, but that's not the reason I'm trying out.

Speaking of crush, instead of going away it's gotten worse. She's just so perfect! She has these amazing blue eyes! And her hair is gorgeous and she's gorgeous. She has this great personality and plays hockey (hockey players; so hot). Her one flaw is I think she's straight. Which isn't really a flaw, but is bad for me.

I'm getting kinda sick of just making out with girls and then ditching them. I want a relationship, not one full of drama either. Oh well, it will come eventually I guess, I just have to be patient.

A definition from urban dictionary:

GAYDAR noun Short for Gay-Radar. The ability to tell when someone near you is homosexual, even if they have given no obvious indications of being so. This is an ability usually possesed by homosexuals and their fag-hags.It's like Spiderman and his Spider sense. He can just "feel" when there is danger nearby. Gaydar allows you to "feel" when there is gayness nearby.

I thought a diagram could be of use:

I have a pretty good gaydar if I do say so myself. The only times it's off is when I get interested in a person. Surprise, surprise I'm interested in a person again. She's 100% my type, and my type is always 100% straight. But I keep on getting gay vibes from her and I'm not sure it's me because I like her or if she really is gay. On her facebook she didn't put who she's attracted to, so I'm using that to keep hope.

Someone wrote in my honesty box on facebook the other day that they liked me and I had no idea. I tried to figure out who it was but they wouldn't tell me. The frustrating part is it was highlighted in pink so it was a girl. I can't help but wonder if it was my crush. Why can't everyone atleast be bisexual? Actually, don't answer that.

How is everyone?

According to weather.com it feels like 96 but personally I think it might be a little hotter than that. I'm off to field hockey now.

1. Don't talk about boys if you're a lesbian or girls if you're gay. No one will believe you. Gay people just aren't convincing at playing straight and people pick up on that.

2. Try not to stare when a girl walks out from her room in just a bra even if she is incredibly hot and exactly your type. Wait until somebody in your group starts talking to her and use the excuse of "being interested in the conversation" to stare at her six pack. The same is true for gay guys looking at guys.

3. Try not to twitch when people use phrases like "that's so gay". Instead say you have a friend who is gay and find it offensive. They probably won't believe you, but it's necessary to correct people on that stuff even if you get looks that read "Wow, you're totally gay aren't you?".

4.If your roommate and you decide to use your iPod to play music make sure your queer music isn't apart of the playlist even if it is one of your favorite songs at the moment. People tend to pick up on the fact that girls are singing about girls.

5.Speaking of roommates; if your roommate talks about her gay friend and how open minded she is as a hint that it's cool to come out to her; don't. It's hard for some people not to gossip.

6.When the subject of gay people comes up don't get defensive if someone says an untrue stereotype. Correct them but as a straight person would, if you know what I mean.

7.Most people assume you're gay if you fit the stereotype. Politely cut off the one person who always hints at the fact that they think you're gay. For example this is what happened to me:
J: A lot of gay people are named-- *looks at me*
K:"Don't even go there."
Turns out she was a pretty cool person though.

8.In conversations involving Chad Michael Murray, Channing Tatum, or the boys sitting across the cafeteria, zone out. Leave the straight people to discuss boys. Pretend the spoon you're looking at is extraordinary.

9.When you wear your gay pride shirt that says "Vermont youth pride" pretend you're proud to be in Vermont, not making out with girls IN Vermont.

10.If you want to come out, do it. 90% of the people will be really cool. Props to you if you do. If you exchange facebook or myspace then they'll probably figure it out anyway even if you don't tell them.

So yeah I went to camp haha I never realized how open I am until I had to shut my mouth when I wanted to say how hot a girl was. It's so weird going from a place where everybody knows you're gay to a place where people assume you're straight. It was a 4 day camp and I didn't really feel it was necessary for me to come out. My sexual orientation has nothing to do with how I play lacrosse and it was such a short time that I figured it would be easy to handle.

But man I never realized how much I was lying to people before I came out. That was only four days too! There are people here on Oasis who are still going day to day without having the ability to talk about how much they like this person or that person. Props to you guys for being able to do it. It's really hard.

Anyways I had a blast at camp it was fun. I thought I would hate it but I was proven wrong, thankfully. I also got some great recruitment tips if I ever want to play in the college level ( I definitely do!). So I'm going to get started on that next season. That's it I think.

So in the midst of searching for a weird holiday to put as the title of this journal entry I found out that this was the anniversary of the stonewall riots. Yay! I think what happened at Stonewall was the greatest point in the fight for gay rights. It was the turning point where LGBT finally got sick of everything and said "fuck it". It would've been so cool to have been there. Or talk to someone who was there. My favorite quote is from Sylvia Rivera a drag queen who started the riot, she said: "I'm not missing a minute of this, it's the revolution." I think that describes what everyone was feeling.

Anyways, truth of the matter is I have writers block and am procrastinating by making this journal entry and re-reading the fifth Harry Potter, is how I'm going about solving it. Not really smart, eh? Oh well, maybe I'll be able to write after I finish what I'm doing. Only 165 more pages to go (But hey, who's counting?) Woohoo! I will write. Maybe. I don't know. It's 2:21 in the am I wonder how much longer I'll last...(cue dramatic music)

I love Halloween! So what if I'm 14 and now "too old" to go trick or treating I still maintain that it's the best holiday ever. Seeing as how it's 1:33 in the morning there's only 128 days left now. Woohoo!! One day closer...lack of sleep causes me to think about this stuff, if you're wondering why I'm telling you this...

So I have to go to diversion yay (note sarcasm.) For those of you who don't know what that is it's when kids 17 and under are caught with alchohol or any other illegal drug and instead of a more severe punishment get counseling or have to do community service. What sucks is I didn't even get caught the night of the party. My friend (because she's so smart) posted pics up on facebook and in one I had a beer in my hand. Our school cop loves to go on facebook and myspace so that's how I ended up in this situation. Well, I guess I'm not identifying as straight edge anymore haha I guess because of my age though (14) i have to go to court. My parents aren't mad at me, my brothers have made them go through this three times before, so I'm lucky number 4 haha. I have the whole summer to deal with this but I'm just going to get it out of the way asap. None of this goes on my record so I'm not too worried about it.

In other news gender sucks. I thought I had this whole thing figured out, i guess not. I've been really girly lately. Like I want to grow my hair out again, and am starting to like more girlish clothes. It's wierd. I'm starting to doubt if I'm trans. If only gender wasn't so fluid! Oh, well.

Have any of you heard the song Lord of the Rings and his Facist Time Keepers by Des Ark Here's a link: www.myspace.com/desark She's amazing her voice is indescribable and her lyrics are also awesome.

I've been working on a story, so I'll post it up here some time. I've been trying to avoid the whole girl meets girl, problem occurs, their undying love survives type of plot. So far my title for it is Sugar, Spell it Out but that will probably change. Anyways life is pretty good, enjoying summer, all of that stuff and the above.
Peace

Championship girls lacrosse game South Burlington vs. Middlebury 14-9! It's the first time in the history of SB that we've won the championship. I'm so stoked right now! Our whole team worked so hard this season it's definitely payed off though. I got to play the whole second half (I play goalie), which is awesome because I'm a freshman. I'm just glad I can say that I was part of the team who did this. Alright I'm going to go get drunk with my team, peace lol.

Possibly the most embarrassing thing happened to me last night. I leaned in to kiss a girl and she didn't know what I was doing so she leaned away and gave me the most confused look. Oh my god it was soooooooooo bad. When she finally got what I was doing the kiss was actually pretty bad too because it was her first. I don't think I can recover from this one. Ughhh it was embarrassing beyond belief. And I can't stop thinking about it and it's bugging me so much. I need a redo desperately. From this moment on I will never make the first move when it comes to kissing. I give up.

Today was awesome! May 16th last year I wore a t-shirt to school saying "Let's get one thing STRAIGHT- I'm NOT". Needless to say it was a pretty good method of telling everyone at once. Well, today was May,16 2007 meaning I have spent one year out of the closet!
Today there was a lacrosse game. You know how you're supposed to dress up or do something fun on a game day? Well, today every single girl on my team wore rainbow in celebration of it being my anniversary. It was the coolest thing to have that many people being my allies and doing that! And after the game I found out that some girls on the team had baked me a cake saying "Happy 1 year!" with rainbow m&m's. I'm so thankful that my school and teammates are like that. Not many people have that done for them and some are even forced to be in the closet during high school because of enviroments that aren't healthy in regards to coming out. It just made me think of how lucky I am to have that.
A friend also made me brownies which was awesome too! Ahhh I'm just glad I can be out and proud and can say whatever I want to say about being queer and not be afraid anymore. My life has changed a lot in one year and I'm definitely glad it has!

I'll call her A because that's a cool letter :-) Last week I was introduced to A by a friend, and discovered she is queer (A gives out serious gay vibes). A is a friend of a girl in my Spanish class. About a month ago the girl in my Spanish class told me that her friend is queer, but couldn't tell me who because she wasn't out. Well, I told her I knew it was A.
So last week A had been saying hi to me in the halls a lot, and on Tuesday she invited me to her party. I told her I'd go. Fast forward to Thursday and I was talking to one of my friends on my lacrosse team who is also friends with A. She confirmed for me that A had a crush on me.
The problem is I don't really feel the same way about A. She's a nice girl, but I really don't want to be dating/in a relationship with someone right now. I'd like her better as a friend than someone I'd be dating, I just suck at relationships.
After her party yesterday I said I'd hang out with her sometime next week. So how do I drop hints that I'm not looking for a relationship right now? I hate getting into situations like this, it sucks telling someone you're not interested.

I've given it a lot of thought and decided that I am in fact a transgender guy. I don't feel my body expresses myself in the way that I want others to see me, and I feel like myself when people mistake me as a biological male.

The name I will be going by is Tristian (pronounced tris-ten), and for my sexuality I will be identifying as straight.

I'm going to start coming out to family soon, it just may take a while to get the courage to actually do it. Friends I'm not worried about at all because they've known about my gender problems for a while now. The only difficulty might be with them calling me Tristian since they've known me as kaleigh for years.

It's funny how I think about how I've been questioning my gender since I was three and now I'm finally at 14 accepting my identity. I guess it's better late than never.
Peace.