I feel like a slut.....This happened a while back: Ian's best friend Richi asked me out. I said yes. I realized I really REALLY liked Ian. I admitted it to both of them. Richi and I broke up. He took it pretty well. I apologized, and feel extremely bad for doing that to him. We're still friends. I asked Ian out. Before he answered me, a girl I've known forever asked me out. I said yes. I apologized to Ian so much. And we're still very good friends. This girl and I went out for about 2 or 3 months. She broke up with me, said things were getting confusing. I found out she was back with her ex. We had a fight about it. She said I made her reconsider the whole thing. She broke up with her ex, said she wanted to be alone for a while. I emailed her and said a bunch of things, basically telling her I was still in love with her. She said I was obsessing over her. I emailed her again and said there's a difference between loving someone and obsessing over them. Before, she promised me she'd tell me if she did anything behind my back. I found out from a friend that she had cheated on me. So in the email, I also mentioned that I'd found out about that. Then I said bye. She emailed me back, and all she said was bye. Surprisingly, I'm not even upset about it. I guess I've realized that she really wasn't right for me and maybe my feelings weren't as real as I thought they were.

I guess I kind of left myself hanging, also. Sorry, guys!! I really will try to add onto Dead End, but it just came out in a matter of minutes, written perfectly, and it's supposed to be a short story because I'm sending it in to a magazine to get published hopefully. BUT I will try to add on to it since you seem to really want me to. I can't guarantee it will be any good, though, so don't get your hopes up.

I just saw the weirdest thing....I got out the shower, and as I was getting dressed I happened to notice something on the fogged up mirror. There were two spots, I'm guessing they're water spots or something, and then a piece of fuz had stuck to the mirror. But it was turned up, and it made a smiley face. That was very strange...but very cool!!

And -- Dead End was just a short story. I'm sending it in to a writer's magazine for a writing contest.

“The cars were still going by. I guess I just snapped.

Does anyone think that dating someone online is stupid, or a bad idea? I've done it before, and it didn't really work out so well. But does anyone think it could? And that it's possible to actually fall in love like that? Just curious!

BTW, if anyone knows where I can find pics of Christopher Jones - the guy from You Got Served - PLEASE let me know, I will love you forever!!!!

Tic-tacs taste good, but they can be really annoying....like when the dentist tells you that you have to use them!!! I suck my fingers, yes it's pathetic I know...I'm 14 and I still do it...not my thumb, my middle finger and ring finger of my right hand. But I'm in the process of getting out of the habit. And now, since my teeth stick out a little bit (not much, they're not buck...I'd die if they were), my tongue goes up between my teeth whenever I swallow. I'm guessing because it's between my teeth, under my fingers, when I suck on them. So when I swallow my tongue pushes on my teeth and it's causing them to get gaps between them. Soo the dentist told me to get sugar free tic-tacs and push one against the back of my top teeth so that it will stop my tongue from pushing on my teeth when I swallow. Sounds weird, right? It's REALLY annoying at times, too. Because I'm so used to having my tongue farther towards the front of my mouth. I have to get used to having it back farther and it's really hard.

WOOT! Our team (Jen, Mr. Strong and I) won a game today. I think it was just one...maybe more. We practiced different ways to hit the ball (I forget all of the names) and serving. I still suck at serving. But I did better. Yay!

I saw Sarah today. She's pressing charges against that guy, and she seems to be doing okay.

In school this year there was gay marriage stuff put up in the hallway, and they had polls and stuff and most people had voted against gay marriages.

I am so thankful for my Mom! I feel really lucky that she's so open-minded. She accepts my sexuality, and that relieves me so much. She really does feel bad for all the teens who aren't accepted in their families; I can tell it's true when she says it. And it all just makes me really proud that she's my Mom, and that I'm her daughter.

We were playing volleyball yesterday during summer school, and everyone just jumped in front of me and hit the ball, assuming I wasn't going to do anything. Grr. My reflexes aren't that good when it comes to volleyball. I love the game, but I'm really not that good at it. But it does suck being outside for two hours, moving around non-stop. We get ten minutes for a water break and to do whatever, but we play about 4 or 5 games (to 30 points). But, we did get to just stand around for half an hour....the teacher had to set up the net, then the boundary line thingy was really tangled up and that took forever to untangle. I can't wait until we go to the next unit..hopefully we'll do croquet next. Or archery.

Thanks, guys. :)

Mom thinks I had a panic attack yesterday. Hopefully I won't have another one any time soon. Summer school was fun yesterday. Bambi came in late. We hung out with Amanda, she's really nice. I love her hair!! Our first unit is volleyball, then we're doing stuff like croquet and golf. XD This class shouldn't suck too much. I wish gym was like this during the school year.

Talk about a breakdown...I'm a mess. I've been crying all morning, over practically nothing, and it's like I can't control it. I can't even calm myself down enough to take my meds. I'm guessing it probably has something to do with the fact that I start summer school today (just for gym, lame I know...) and I have to go to work two hours after I get home and won't get out until 7:30. My whole summer is screwed, pretty much. Dad was going to take us to 6 flags but says he wants to do it on a Wednesday. One of the days I have summer school, and the only day I work each week. He says it's cheaper. I told him I'd be really busy and it was a bad idea for me to miss these things, but he never made any effort to say he'd at least TRY to take us on a different day.

Thanks for replying to my journal and forum post, I appreciate it. The notepad bit helped me out.

Every other online journal I've ever had I never once got feedback. So thanks also just for giving me feedback in general, I like getting it. :) :)

Does anyone elses journal do this?? Whenever I start typing in the text box, it gets really wide and what I type shows up over the stuff on the right side of the screen, and goes off the side of the screen so I can't see all of what I type...weird...
(Feedback would be much appreciated about my problem, if anyone knows how to fix it.)

To my friend (you know who you are): Once again, I'm sorry that happened to you, and I'm glad you're okay. If you want, I'll try to show up at the courthouse with you if you end up going to court about it. I hope he goes to jail. What a sick pervert!!

Almost Being Concrete

almost being concrete, doing everything
forwardly guided, his irksome jabs
knead lamenting memories -nothing obesiant-
parrying quotas, re-living semblances
towards unending vying wafts....
xenophobia yields zenithal auguries blissfully construed
during every finalised gulp,hindering immovable jokes.
Keen-sighted, languid men nod openly....
procrastinating quintessentially, reality succumbs to

Nog voordat ons lippe raak,
ruik ek die geur van sy mond
wat soos `n ryp vrug gereed
is om my sorge te versadig

Hy neem my in sy arms,
en, totaal onbewus van ander mense
ontmoet hy my in die middel
van `n swerm onbevredigde emosies

wat skielik, onweerstaanbaar
ontplof
in `n verstikkende
teug van genot

dit voel soos `n ewigheid

sy lippe neem afskeid van myne
en `n dun straaltjie maanlig verlig

Mistakes cover the ground on which we walk
and seep through our very beings,
never ceasing to obliterate the spark
of life that vainly tries to make us seem

to love, to hate, to cherish,
to feel, to disbelieve that we,
infinitely unable to embellish
ourselves with infinite amity

can succumb to human faults,
can throw ourselves into vaults
of pain, anguish and indifference
and form a wall of malevolence