I don't understand why this is bothering me soo much. Michelle is straight. I tell myself "get over it." But I can't. Grr. And I'm so frustrated with myself. She's straight, period. There's nothing I can do about it. I'll never get her. So why can't I just stop thinking about her? It's strange how painful this is. This morning I broke down and cried, while Mom hugged me and said "I'm sorry.

Isn't there something, anything, I can do to feel a little better? I'm feeling so much pain and I don't even understand why. It was a crush. She's straight (I'm assuming). I should get over it. I should never have gotten my hopes up in the first place, anyways, living in this town. Why can't everyone in the world at least be bi? That would be so much easier. We'd all have a chance with the person we like.

she has a boyfriend. that doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't like girls. but i give up. she's nice, she's beautiful, and i wanted to get to know her. but it feels like someone ripped my heart to shreds. i feel sick. why couldn't she have been gay? why couldn't i have had a chance? at least a little one? i don't even care anymore... i'm going to go lay in bed and cry myself to sleep so i don't have to think about anything for the rest of the day.

The other day Mom and I were in the car and I said I get the feeling that my crush might like girls. My Mom asked how I knew, or why I got that feeling, and I said I couldn't explain it. I said it probably had something to do with my gaydar. She didn't know what that was, so I tried to explain it to her. And I'm so happy now because she told me I needed to educate her about all this stuff. I'm happy happy happy! Not only does my Mom accept me and is completely fine with my sexuality, but she WANTS to learn about it! A lot of parents don't put an effort into learning about this stuff, but my Mom wants to.

Sooo Brian (it even disgusts me to type his name) and my brother were here, I guess, but they're leaving now. Brian isn't allowed to be here, even outside working in the yard, unless Mom is here. Neither is Alex. But anyways. He and my brother cut down my FAVORITE tree. It's especially my favorite because it was right outside my bedroom window, which gave me more privacy in the warm weather when it had leaves. I hate him. I really do. With a passion.

I'm glad it's Friday. But I'm not glad because that means two days without seeing my crush. I was talking to Mom about her yesterday, and how I was frustrated that most of my friends know her but me. She said I should sit down next to my crush in English since she sits by herself and that way we'd get to know each other. I told her I really want to, but my cheeks would turn PURPLE. Does anyone else know how to deal with that? Your cheeks turning red all the time around your crush? I hate it!! Every day I think about going to the nurse, who is really awesome, and ask about starting a GSA.

Today I discovered that my crush lives next to Hannah!!! Hannah is my best friend's (Katharine) cousin. She's awesome. So she knows my crush. Which means... if I go over to her house (she said I should sometime) we'd probably end up going over to my crush's house (I think she has a farm, actually). Hannah kicks ass. AND Hannah also told me that my crush stood up for gays! Some people were dissing gays and she told them to quit it.

Sure, I love my sisters. They're my family. It's a shock to me how much hate I feel towards them right now. They don't understand me. They've had their struggles, and I have mine. But they don't try to hear me out.

It started when I was only half awake. Katie came in, woke me up, and asked what I wanted for dinner. I woke up some more and came downstairs. She asked me if I knew yet what I wanted for dinner. I said "From where?" She gave me an attitude. Like I was supposed to remember everything she told me when I still pretty much asleep. She said "From the store. I told you that." I said "No you didn't," and yeah I probably should have just said something like 'oh yeah,' but I didn't. So she got all pissed off at me and started crying and locked herself in the bathroom. As usual. She's a mess (I'm not saying I'm not a mess myself, because I am..). I was still groggy and in a pretty bad mood because Katie flipped out over three little words that I said. I rolled my eyes and walked into the other room to get a book before I went back upstairs. On my way, I muttered "Bitch," and Alex was on the computer. She heard me and got all pissed off at me. I got my books and went upstairs. A few minutes later, Betsy came in and just layed down on my bed and cuddled up next to me, and started crying. Katie came in and asked her what was wrong. Betsy didn't answer. Katie said something about ignoring what Brian (Alex's ex. Who was over mowing the lawn and some other stuff, I think.) said. Katie left. I hugged Betsy and asked what was wrong. Brian had said something..later I found out he was lecturing Betsy because she had lost track of the time while she was playing a game. He said something like "You're a big girl now, you can get yourself to bed. There's no point in trying to tell Olivia that. She's an idiot who slams doors." Then Alex came upstairs and sat down at my desk. She started talking to Betsy, telling her that Katie was just having a hard time, and somehow Alex and I got into bickering about how "Katie shouldn't take everything out on me," "She doesn't take everything out on you, Olivia. Grow up," and it turned into a screaming match. After I really lost it and threw a container of colored pencils at her. She got up and got in my face. We were screaming and yelling at each other. And the whole time I just wanted to die, because poor Betsy was sitting right next to me. Finally Alex went downstairs. I apologized to Betsy (which I continued to do all night, and am still doing it now.) and called Mom at work. I told her that Betsy and I needed to get out of the house. I said I was going to hurt myself and a bunch of other stuff, while I was crying and alternately yelling at Alex, Katie and Brian as they each took turns calling up to Betsy. Mom told me to get Betsy and stay in my room, and just do something to keep busy and stay away from everyone. I told her I couldn't because everyone was coming in my room. I eventually hung up on her. Alex came back, we screamed at each other more. She told me I'm a fucked up bitch and I need help. She called me a bitch again and left, crying. I could hear everyone (including Brian who had/has absolutely no right to butt into our business in the first place) downstairs talking about how fucked up I am. I called Mom again. Brian ended up picking up the phone downstairs. We started bitching at each other. I got off the phone because Mom said she would hang up if I didn't. She was my only hope, so I did. She said she'd call my brother and have him come pick us up because he had her car. Well, he didn't want to come because Katie's boyfriend was here. I felt so alone, and trapped. I felt like a criminal. Everyone thought I was holding Betsy hostage or something. I was seriously considering cutting my wrists. Anything to feel better. I was thinking about using a thumb tac because that's basically all I have in my room to use. But I knew I couldn't. Betsy was there. I needed to do something, ANYTHING, to keep her calm. Not cut myself. I put on some music, quietly, and let her play my gameboy. I tried to work on my homework. I forced myself not to think about anything mostly because there was nothing I could do. I was stuck here in the house with a bunch of people who think I'm insane. Everyone decided to leave, only a little before 11 when Mom is supposed to get out of work (it's 11:30 now...she doesn't usually get out on time, though.). Finally, I was free. Kind of.

The Sims 2 got here Friday. It's awesome. I made a girl who was supposed to be the girl I have a crush on at school. I'm a dork, I know. She's an elder now, but she's married and I had her adopt a child. It's a girl named Joy. She was a toddler. Now she's a teenager, and she just had her first kiss with a girl named Sophie. Who happens to have the same exact hair as Joy. I didn't want my girl to marry a man, but I decided to go through with it. One of her fears was to be an unjoined elder, and she was only good friends with a guy, so... But yay! I love The Sims 2!!!

Usually I feel different about girls than guys. And I guess this does feel different. But it's way more intense than any crush I've ever had on a girl. She's new this year. I think she's in my grade. She's in my first period Bio class and 6th period English class. In English she sits a few seats behind me. Someone told me she was going out with a guy and I was devastated. But I asked one of my friends to point this guy out to me and it turns out that someone else is going out with him.

I can't deal with life anymore. But I have no choice. Don't you have to be at least 16 to drop out of high school? But I can't drop out. It would break my mom's heart. My brother had a head injury, so he couldn't finish. My two older sisters dropped out. And it's been my goal to suffer through school and be the first of my siblings to graduate. I get panic attacks before gym class. I failed it last year because I just couldn't make myself participate. So I went to summer school and passed and had fun even. But now I just can't do it. And gym isn't even the only problem. Maybe it's even a very small part of my problem. Can someone PLEASE explain to me why everyone in my town is completely against gays? I can't even eat lunch without someone yelling something at my straight friends, just because they're sitting with me. That and they throw food at us. They give me the most disgusted looks I have ever seen. My mom told me she's just worried that I'll drop out. She doesn't want that to happen. And neither do I. But right now it seems like my only option. But it's not even an option, because I'm only 15. I'd have to wait until next year. I can't wait until next year. And I can't drop out. I can't be homeschooled because my Mom is working a lot. My older sister sure as hell wouldn't do it. And I don't even know if she'd be allowed to. I was up until 2:30 in the morning sitting with my mom and crying because I'm scared to go to gym class. Don't ask why, I have no idea why it bothers me so much. But now I'm positive that I just can't go to school. I just can't. It's not possible. These people don't know shit about me. But they decide that they do. So they make my life a living hell. I can't stand it. And Mom will probably tell me that I absolutely HAVE to go to school tomorrow. I can't just stay home. But I can't go!!!

My sister got a book called Daily Spark. It has little writing exercises. One was to write a conversation between two the ditziest peole you can imagine. I wrote two of them. Suffer through them, especially the second. Everyone I've read them to has said that the second one is really funny. Hope you like! Btw: Sorry if this offends anyone.

Convo # 1:
"Like...omygod."
"What? psh."
"You wouldn't even like, begin to imagine how like horrible last night was!"

Brandon's Mom said that Brandon was molested by her Uncle as a child and began dressing as a male as well as changing her name a few times (Tenna Ray Brandon was one alias) so that no other man could touch her. Of course, her Mother may not know for sure that this was the reason for Brandon's dressing as a male. I believe that Brandon truly was transsexual, but the molestation still could have partly been the cause of her change in appearance.

Mom is really making an effort to help me find gay teens my age who live around here. And possibly some support groups. I'm desperate!! I just wish I had someone who I could see every day and talk to who would understand what I'm going through, and who I could talk to openly about my sexuality and not feel the least bit uncomfortable. Anyone live in NY?

I watched Boys Don't Cry today. Talk about disturbing.

I was watching the discovery channel the other day, and I saw a documentary about a tribe and their most important ritual. They would go out in the woods and dance around a fire, and say "Where the fuck Awee? Where the fuck Awee?"