And so, after months and months, I have returned!! To tell the truth, I kind of forgot about Oasis for a while...but it's not my fault, there's been a lot of crap going on.
So the school finally made an effort to come up with an alternative to get me credit for gym, and I thought we had it all worked out, but they haven't started it yet. And the note that my "happy pills" doctor gave the school (to get me a month out of gym) is up so I'm getting 0's for class again instead of a medical excuse. Stupid stupid stupid school.
I haven't posted in forever. I barely have the time to get on the computer anymore, and when I do I can't seem to find anything interesting to do. School sucks. Somehow, I've managed to fail gym for the first two marking periods. And I DID change for most of the second one, might I add. Sooo maybe I'm looking at doubled gym classes next year? But if I am, I may as well drop out because there is no way in HELL I am taking two gym classes next year, even if I can drop one after half a year of passing it. The Math A exam is in a few weeks, and I haven't learned a damn thing in Geometry. Nothing. And I don't remember algebra...mom got me the math a review book but it's huge and I only have a few weeks to get through it all. I'm in deep schist!
I don't even know how to talk about this... I'm so confused...
I talked to my ex last night and she sent me a recent picture of her and some friends. Well, she was completely different. She had sent me a picture a long time ago and also some others. And I completely fell in love with her, and with her appearance. But last night she sent me that picture and we talked about it and she said that the other pictures were of her cousin. I want to say I'm mad at her. I guess I am, for lying to me. But I'm not as angry as I am confused. I still think she's very pretty, but I'm just so so so mixed up now because I had always thought of her as those other pictures and now she's someone else. This is one reason why I didn't want to get so drawn into the online relationship stuff. I don't want it to have such an impact on me. Especially not like the last online relationship I was in.
I am SO sick of her! I really haven't written much if anything about this girl before...I'll call her Elma (first thing that came to mind even if it isn't really a name...). I have had the WORST friendship with her. She tried to run my life, she chose my friends, she thought she knew everything about me. She even told me to my face that she read my journal (diary) when I was in the bathroom. In my own house.
I've just realized that the only time I have ever heard the words "I'm gay" or "I'm a lesbian" come out my mouth was when I was mocking people who have harassed my friends and I in school, or when I'm joking around with friends. I think in a way just the thought of actually saying it and meaning it scares me a bit. I feel comfortable with being gay inside. For the most part. Mom says I'm still not comfortable with it socially. She's right. She also says I should wait until I'm more socially comfortable with it to tell my Dad. I've noticed that for the past week or so, my sexuality has been on my mind most of the time each day. I think about SO much and I don't know why. I guess it's probably because I'm still trying to accept it completely. My thoughts when I think about it are of how people would react if I said something about being gay. What they would do. If they would harass me, maybe beat me up, hopefully they'd be fine with it. I think about lots of situations and what it would be like because I'm gay. Sometimes when I think about it, I get really happy and I feel really special and excited that I like girls. :)
Wow wow wow. WOW. This is NOT fair. I was just looking at Tegan and Sara's official site, and I checked the tour dates and they're playing in Ithaca TOMORROW. TOMORROW! And I freaking live in Ithaca! And I can't go! Because it's at the haunt and only people 18 and up are allowed in. Grrrr. Tomorrow!!! I'm going to go sit in my room and sulk now.
I like this girl. A lot. And I said I was giving the internet thing another try. But I guess my last girlfriend had more of an impact on me than I thought. I know I have to get over her. I know that if anything it would probably be bad for me to get back into a relationship with her. This girl is so understanding...I told her I need to just be friends with her for now. I really really want to be more, but I don't want her to end up getting hurt. I don't know what she would get hurt by, either. I guess in the end I'm just scared. She calls me babe. I love it. I like her. She's sweet. She says I'm cute. I'm confused.
So I've decided to give the internet thing another try. :) It's hard not being able to see the person every day, but I like to think, if it's true love wouldn't it be worth the wait? So hopefully we'll meet in person someday. :) I'm happy. Happy happy joy joy.
My little sister is throwing a fit again. It's an every day thing now. I feel like it's partly my fault because she learned from me. I used to be so incredibly horrible. Thank God I've changed. It's really painful to see my sister like this. It frustrates me because I don't like listening to her scream and yell about stupid little things, but I know exactly what she's going through and I know that it's not the little things bothering her making her act like this.
I want a girlfriend... but that's weird, in a way, because even though I've never been in a relationship, I still think that I should be friends with someone first. You know, get to know them and not just go out with them because you want a girlfriend. But because you like them. Argh, I'm confused. Anyways!! Yeah, so... I'm lonely. There is absolutely no one here in my town that I would consider going out with.
So, I have a question... is it just coincidence that National Coming Out Day is the same day as.. er.. Columbus day.. (what day was today? I am so bad when it comes to holidays like this.)? Are there any gay holidays that aren't the same date as other holidays? If there aren't, there should be.
Yay! I think I may finally be getting over my crush. I still get nervous around her and all that, but at the same time I just don't feel like I like her as much. I guess I'm starting to accept the fact that she's straight, and in some ways that's made her less attractive in my eyes. She's still gorgeous. But..yeah..that doesn't really make any sense. I'm just rambling. Anyways.. I have a rainbow bracelet.
Hannah told me that my crush flirts with the guys on the bus a lot, and now we're hoping that she's just doing that to cover herself up. The other day we "decided" (since I'm in denial that she's straight) that my crush is in the closet and wants to come out, but hasn't or can't or whatever. I almost died today. Yes, I'm pathetic... she (my crush) got up and stood RIGHT next to me after English when we were waiting for the bell.
Today was strange... I felt pretty good for the most part. I was happy to be back in school instead of sitting around the house doing nothing. And I was happy to be around my friends again. We joked and laughed and had fun all day, it was nice. But I also felt good about my crush. And I have no idea why. It's really bothering me now, though, because it was like I felt a lot of hope that maybe she really is gay.
Will it ever go away? My crush on this straight girl who I have absolutely no chance with? It's driving me crazy. I dread going to English now. Because she's there. It hurts to see her smile, knowing that I can never be more than a friend to her..if I ever become friends with her at all. But at the same time, I love going to English. Because she's there. Because I see her smile. My friend found out for me whether or not she's straight. She is (Thank you Alissa, I appreciate it). I'm so frustrated because I can't stop thinking, "Well she could just be lying." (my crush, I mean.) And I need to stop. I need to get over her. I need to move on. Grrr, I don't even know her!!! So why is this such a big deal?!
Does everyone on Kerry's side know that Kerry opposes gay marriage? I might be wrong. But that's what I heard. My friend and I were looking at Kerry/Bush stuff today during study hall, and there was a thing on the msn news site where you read Bush's view on something, and then Kerry's and you clicked either Bush or Kerry depending on who you agreed with. And both Bush and Kerry opposed gay marriage.