I miss my best friend. She's in WV on a chorus and band trip. Most of my friends are. It's strange, but I really only miss her... we've been messaging each other by cell phone. She's coming back on Sunday. Urgh...I can't wait to see her on Monday.
I also can't wait for Monday because I gave my writing to my teacher. I'm glad I did. Now someone will know what my dad was like to my family. It just feels good to be able to get it off my chest and not worry about him being completely exposed. I'm confusing myself.
I thought it was just a sore throat. And really bad headaches. But I wokre up this morning and thought that I had a bunch of mucus stuck in the back of my throat. I couldn't get it to go away. Mom looked at my throat and said that I had to go to the doctor. GRRRRR - I REALLY wanted to go to school today. We went to the doctor and she took a swab of my throat. There was no mucus at all in my throat.
Well, I sat down to write last night intending to show whatever came out to my english teacher. Five pages was how long it was when I ended, and I'm not sure I'm finished yet... now if asking my teacher to read five pages of my writing isn't asking a bit much of him, well... what do you think? Is that a lot to ask? I hope you all aren't getting annoyed with me looking for reassurance on this subject so much lately.
Lately I've been writing a lot. Just random stuff. But it doesn't help me at all. It feels like I'm just talking to myself...I'm not REALLY getting anything out because no one is seeing what I write but me. So then I thought of maybe showing some of my stuff to my english teacher because he won't judge me or make me talk about it if I don't want to, but someone would still be seeing what I'm writing.
Had a break down last night. Life is way too overwhelming right now. I'm getting off my meds but it's going to take about a month for each one. I woke up this morning and I couldn't even handle the thought of being around people in school so mom let me stay home. It's really bugging me because my english teacher is one the only adults I really feel like I can talk to, and I'm only figuring this out right at the end of the school year. I think maybe it'd be easier for me to talk to him than other adults because I wouldn't have to talk to him about it ever again if I didn't want to. It just helps to have someone to go to who I know will support me and won't judge me at all. But I won't be able to talk to him once school ends, until September. Really frustrating. I really wanted to talk to him today... I was trying to get myself moving and I was thinking that I would just hang out in his classroom before the bell and during mmb, so that I didn't have to be around my friends or anyone else. But I couldn't go. So I slept all day instead. I really really want to go to school on Monday, though, so I'm trying to only think optimistic thoughts. I really do focus on the negative things in my life...that needs to be changed. I need to stop blaming my dad so much for my problems, too. Yeah, he was a part of getting them started, but I'm the only one who can get rid of them.
Urgh! Well, I think I'm crushing on my english teacher. Which is gross because he's like 30. Hopefully it'll go away soon. But my friends are really getting on my nerves. They keep saying, "You're bisexual and you know it." Where do they get off telling me what my sexual preference is?? And just because I'm crushing on a male doesn't mean that much... it's a lot more complicated than that. I don't completely connect mentally with males, I think male private parts are kind of icky. When I think about it I don't think I'd ever really go out with a guy. Maybe, but I don't know. I'm just trying not to label myself and my friends keep pushing labels on me like it's the most important thing in the world. All I did was mention that I think my teacher is "drop dead gorgeous" and my friends start saying that I'm bi. I didn't even say anything about my s.o. *big sigh*
I talked to Mr. A during MMB today. He told me that no, he isn't gay, but he's always there if I need or want to talk. He was very supportive and nice about it. I'm thinking of showing him some of my writing, maybe he'll have some tips. Next year is going to suck butt. Mr. A only teaches 9th and 10th grade. :( I'll just have to stop by and say hello to him, though.
Sooo as for being gay, it still feels really awkward for me around my family.
How can something so painful look so beautiful? If only our words had been different. If only the truth could be pleasant.
We sat next to each other on the leaf covered ground. I didn't want to look at him. Every time my gaze fell upon him, my heart leapt. Or sank, or stopped, I'm not sure which.
The moonlight poured through the treetops. Any other night I would have smiled. I would have loved to be there. But that night I wanted to be anywhere but next to him. I didn't want to feel that pain. All I ever wanted was for him to hold me in his arms.
So you see,
I've got this feeling inside
and I can't seem to get you off my mind.
I know this is stupid and
you must think I'm really lame,
but it seems I need you
for my heart to be tame.
Why is it so hard
just to say, "hey"
and send a small smile
over your way?
God, I don't know what to do.
This poem has come to an end
and I still don't have you.
I'm so happy. :) Mr. A didn't say anything to me during English. He was in the cafeteria 7th per. (my lunch per.) so I said Hi and waved and he smiled and waved back. Between 7th and 8th period I stopped by his room and asked if I had p*ssed him off or anything, and he said not at all. Then he said that when I get a chance he'd like to talk to me. So I'm going to talk to him during mmb tomorrow.
Maybe this weekend wasn't so long... I managed to sleep all day yesterday, and slept until 3 pm today. My stomach is still in knots and I'm extremely ancy. I want tomorrow to be here, but I also don't. Urgh. So I plan to waste the rest of my night watching White Noise with my sister (I saw it in the theaters...<3) and probably playing my DS. Oh, so exciting. If Mr. A answers me, I will update you all tomorrow.
I'm currently in love with My Chemical Romance and their song Helena. It makes me sad. *sigh* Gerard Way is gorgeous.
I did something today and my stomach is still in knots. I adore my English teacher so much. He's so nice, he teaches very well, and he's just a really neat guy. For a while now I've been wondering if he's gay. I just get this feeling that he might be. My gaydar is totally out of whack, though, so I'm probably wrong. I asked my global teacher if she thought he might be (because she knows him pretty well), and she said she didn't know. So I talked my bio teacher (who is, like, the coolest guy EVER!) because this is really bugging me and I thought it would probably be inappropriate to ask a teacher about their sexual orientation. Because, you know, Mr. A is my teacher and teachers and students usually don't ask each other personal things. Mr. B, my bio teacher, told me that if he was asked that question he would be completely comfortable answering and he didn't think it was inappropriate to ask. He gave me some advice on how to ask Mr. A in a way that wouldn't offend him. So I wrote Mr. A a letter, explaining my reason for asking him and saying that I wasn't trying to pry, offend him, or make him uncomfortable. I had my best friend read it and she went in the office with me to put it in Mr. A's mailbox. Now I have to wait until Monday to see if I get a reply. I'm not really expecting one, because I don't know what he thinks about a student asking a teacher that. I told him that I was wondering if he's gay because I guess I'm trying to find a gay adult that I could talk to if I need to, about issues regarding being a gay teen in high school. Which is true, and he's one of my favorite teachers. And it would just be really cool if he was gay, because I like gay guys. They're cool...woot! And if he's not, which he probably isn't, I'll feel like a total idiot because I told him that I'm a lesbian. Yeah... Urgh. I really hope that I don't offend him, and I really don't want him to get mad or anything. There's no undoing what's been done, though. It's done and over with. He's most likely read it by now, unless he's not getting his mail until Monday. Oh my goodness. This weekend is going to be so long. I'd really like to hear some feedback -- whether you think what I did was inappropriate or bad or anything.
Well everything is fine with my friends and I, thank god. The day after all the stuff I talked about in my last entry everyone was fine. ^_^ Anywho.
One of my friends asked me out today. ...what a shock!!!! I NEVER would have thought that she liked me. Whoa. I thought she was straight, too. Well, she's a good friend of mine, but I don't have feelings for her besides that. So I have to say no. One thing I hate is when people go out with each other when they don't really like each other. I don't want to hurt her, either. I wrote a note back to her and I wanted to give it to her today but I didn't see her at all after she gave me her note. It seemed like she was avoiding me.
I'll start from the beginning. A while back, this kid in my school told my group of friends that he was bi. He asked us not to tell anyone because he didn't want it getting out. I completely respected that, because I know that he would probably get a lot of sh*t. It's not my business to tell anyone. So if I did, I swear it was a mistake and I had absolutely no intention of doing it. I don't recall ever telling anyone, and if I did then I owe many apologies to this kid.