oh my fug.

i just had 15 paragraphs typed on here.

and i accidentally pressed "back"

AHHHHHH!

i hate this!

:] nothing major to blog about today.
except i might be going to see anthony again soon.
and Friday, i think, i'm going to meet him.
when i went to see him last night, he couldn't come out after the show b/c of a promo he had to do and it would take an hour. (it was after 10 by the time my mom & i got downstairs to wait for him)

i'm SO EXCITED about meeting him, still. i talked to J about it, and she basically screamed at me "OMG! I LOVE HIM! HOW?!?!?"
i was glad we could talk like civilized people for those 30 minutes. then she got bitchy again. "Oh. That's... cool."
i've given up on it.

anywhoo... i have to go, b/c my computer screen is on the fritz and can only be used for 15 minutes at a time, and i have to save some time for when i'm fixing my brother's ipod.

peacee.

alright, i just got back from seeing Without You live.
AND I LOVED IT. EVERY SINGLE MINUTE.
my mother even described it as beautiful.
i cried during every song (especially the ones about his mom)
and stood up first (okay, second. the first was this cute guy infront of me who was bawling) for his standing ovation. i'm going to meet him on friday, because he had a photoshoot and wouldn't be out to meet and greet for an hour. i know how welcoming he is to fans, so i just decided to come back later (possibly with friends) to get pictures/autographs with him.

i don't want to go into specifics about the autobiomusical (my new word for it *teehee*) but it was absolutely amazing. any renthead, theatre lover, or anyone who's been through the loss of a parent or friend can relate to it, and i garuntee will love it.

and i want to end my post with: i love my friends. you guys are always there for me, and i don't know where i would be without you. - i just got back in from crying in my neighbors' arms for the past half hour, and having my neighbors' crying in my arms. they're my sisters, basically.

something kind of ... bad and good at the same time happened today. i don't want to talk about it, but it's making me re-think everything that i know. ...

L and i were talking in french class yesterday.
she was playing with my hair, and tony walks past.
i yell, "Bonjour, Anton!" to him, and then L adds,
"don't you mean Antonietta?" jokingly.
"hey, that's my middle name," i add, randomly.
"there's a ...." - she mumbles something -"girl named Antonietta that goes here. You know who she is, right? Toni Something." she starts to twirl hair on the back of my head.
"i don't know her, but i know the name" i answer.
"She's..." she mumbles again.
"Huh?"
"People say she's gay. I don't know personally if she is, but..." she gets a smile on her face.
"No."
"She's way better...prettier than J." she adds. (i find that hard to belive. i rarely find people prettier than J)
"Don't you even dare try and fix me up with her." I turn around and look her straight in the eyes, and then look back towards J, who's paying no attention. I sigh and get back to the assignment.

i'm not sure what to make of this, because, knowing L, she might try and get us to be at least friends, and she might not. I don't even know if "Toni" is even really gay, or just rumored to be because she's outspoken or something like that. All through computers i thought about it... but, i don't even know what she's like. and i am sure as HELL not over J.

- i just found toni on myspace, and OH MY FCKING GOD she is GORGEOUS! *sighs* she's too pretty. the girl next door type. possibly a softball player... or was it volleyball? whatever. she's a sophmore, i'm pretty sure. she could be a model. i know i have a 0% chance, and i don't really care. but wow... she is PRETTY. what if she joins the GSA or talks to me? - i'll blank. i get nervous around new people, especially beautiful ones.

ugh. and i saw Friend(can't say her name. my mom will probably read this and recognise it, and not allow me to speak to her ever again. [yeah, my parents read this. i don't want them to, but they do. they monitor everything i do online. i fkn hate that]) today and walked to class with her (without her noticing. she doesn't recognise me :P - new hair) and had random butterflies the whole way there. i'm not sure what to think of that. i've noticed how amazingly pretty she is before, too, but never really thought too much about it. and i CANNOT fall for her.

i have a bunch of quotes that i absolutely love saved in random places on my computer, so i thought i'd list em all here.

"inspiration comes in the middle of the night when you should be doing homework."
"you are who you are, and there's nobody like you. and to try to be like somebody else is just a lie."
"kiss my fcking ass in D Minor!"
"if people make fun of you, you're probably doing something right."
"That's where I spent of lot of my high-school years -- in the closet. It wasn't too cramped, but you do get really hot." (she's talking about recording in ben's closet or something, not being gay)
"Theres nothing sexy about skin and bone, Urgh, you gotta have some junk in the trunk!"
"I was 13 and a little overweight with poofy hair. I was just trying to look busy so the counselors wouldn't try to buddy me up with the runny-nose kid in the corner." (that describes me at 10-13 perfectly)
- all by amy lee. sorry i have so many. i love her.

"in the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends" - Martin Luther King, Jr. (one of my favorite quotes ever)

"Now i understand why so many songs talk about desire as electric. if i could harness what i'm feeling now, i could power a city." - Nic? from Empress of the World. (this describes every time i was with J, back when we were... :])

"if your slate is clean, then you can throw stones. if your slate is not then leave her alone." - from jesus christ superstar. (i wish someone would actually LISTEN TO THIS)

"Mothers, tell your children: Be quick, you must be strong. Life is full of wonder; love is never wrong. Remember how they taught you. How much of it was fear? Refuse to hand it down. The legacy STOPS here" - Melissa Etheridge. Silent Legacy. (another great quote.)

"The stars are always there, but we miss them in the dirt and clouds. We miss them in the storms. Tell them to have hope. We have hope....
Tell them to look up. Tell them to remember the stars."
- to write love on her arms (original story)

"who are you to judge the life i live? i know i'm not perfect - and i don't live to be. but before you start pointing fingers, make sure your hands are clean." - bob marley. (i LOVE this one!)

"labels really are for cans" - anthony rapp. (LOVE him!)

"we may have lost the battle, but mischeif always wins the war."
- alaska young in john green's novel Looking For Alaska. (she's my idol. i don't care if she's fictional.)

and i'm going to end with my absolute favorites:

"just remember: if they put me in a straight jacket, i couldn't hug you!" - part of chey(best friend's) signature in my yearbook last year.

"6 AM. The sky glows. Somewhere a bird chirps. I want to shoot it. " - jonathan larson. (hehe, i love this guy.)

if you haven't noticed: i'm a quote nerd. kind of like Pudge in Looking for Alaska :P

&yes, this is my second post in two hours. *giggles* i just couldn't wait for this.

well... today, i finally got used to my schedule, when to stop at my locker, what teacher i should NOT ask for certain things, etc. (i still hate highschool!)

J texted me last night for no reason, and then when i responded she said "oh, nevermind, Sorry! i forgot what i was going to ask you :P"
i texted Maura,
"is there any possible way for my feelings for j to just.. die?"
"probably not. i still have feelings for people." - the second sentence is a shocker. she's in this beautiful relationship with freaking Romeo. No, Edward Cullen, minus the fangs.
"Like?"
"People i used to have feelings for." - she was trying to get around the subject.
"Like who?"
"Joe. Even though he was an ass." - i hate joe.
"J was about the same..."
"You just have to find someone to mask those feelings with."
i think for about 5 minutes, then realize,
"i've been trying to hard to find someone. i tricked myself into falling for L even though i'm pretty sure i had no romantic feelings to begin with"
(I WANT SOMEONE!)
"be patient." - her best advice to me usually includes this.
"i'll try..."

I'M GOING TO SEE ANTHONY RAPP LIVE!

and that's basically all i wanted to say tonight.
and in other news:
my parents are forcing me to join a couple clubs at school, and i've already joined French Club, so now i think i'm going to talk to my guidance counselour about starting that gsa.
i've talked to my friend about it already, and she immediately said, "i'll help! and i'll make my friends, my boyfriend, and..." things like that. i'm really getting to be nervous about that, but i don't know why.

*squeals* i get to see anthony rapp!
i wonder if i'll meet him... and get to talk to him - that would be awesome! i want to ask him something about how he came out to his family, but my mom will be there, so that leaves that outt...

sooo, since i have nothing else to say:
peacee!

i survived my first day of highschool!!

and i don't want to go back. ever.

i have all academic classes, and i'm taking 10th or 11th grade math.
which means: i have classes with the scary upperclassmen. most of them are the dumbass athletes... or the scary emo kids who used to be some of my best friends. i got lost a few times today, but luckily i was either a) right outside of the room b) by a teacher/kristen's dad or c) with a friend who knew where they were going.

i really don't want to go back. the whole day i was incredibly nervous, which made me really sick to my stomach. i got to school a freaking hour early b/c my ride there is a teaher with a homeroom, and he has to be there before all of the students.

oh. i only have one class with J. she sits next to L, who sits next to me.
i have study hall with G :] only on tuesdays though...

and i have a semi-hot teacher. he's kind of young, and my history teacher. he's nice. :]

i'm afraid of french class. as soon as we walked in, she was all, Bonjour! J'mapelle Madame Leopold! Como ev.... something or other. and i sat there, completely confused, in the middle of a bunch of stupid, lazy jrs who signed up for this only because they need a credit and nothing else was open.

i don't even want to go into study hall. it was so... peer pressure to the max. even though she wasn't really trying to make me do anything... other than smell the ... nevermind. not talking about itt. but, seriously, how many times can someone count her cigarettes in one half hour period?? (not me. i'm straight edge)

today is my last night of freedom before i start highschool on tuesday. and i don't think i would have made it this far without an anxiety attack without this website. :]

i have to finish my stupid ass homework tomorrow. agh. my english teacher already knows that i didn't do it yet. :P thats what i get for having him as a neighbor.

i'm horribly nervous about seeing J and actually having to talk to her in person. i'll probably just walk the other way... i still miss her, though, for some reason. i can probably connect anything back to her. like.. i'm wearing a RENT shirt. RENT was the first musical we watched together :]

so tonight, my two neighbors, Kris & Lyss, and i were sitting in my driveway and talking... and we get on the subject of exes. combined, kris and lyss have about 40. and then they got into their crushes, starting in preschool, and it took from 9:15 until 10:30 for them. i didn't get into mine (thank god) because mine would be very akward to talk about. if i mention J around them, i have to be careful not to sound too in love. Kris doesn't like her. mainly b/c J broke my heart and talked shit on me, and Lyss just doesn't like how J handled my coming out to her. (lyss still thinks of herself as the first person i came out to. i guess it's a big deal or something to her :P..)

... L is dating M again. she's so freaking STUPID!
"i love him. like you love j. like angel and collins."
she should NOT have said that. now i'm very pissed. how i she feels about M is NOWHERE near how i feel about J. or how Collins felt about Angel.

...i have to go before i explode. cus i know she'll make a fight out of this.

peace?

OH! one more thing. i was thinking about staying over my cousin's house soon and possibly coming out to her. i might use oasis to tell her :] like.. i'll post a blog that's a letter to her and show her.
^Good idea or bad idea?

like the title says, three days til i start high school.

i know, i shouldn't be nervous... but i am. for a few reasons.

1. i haven't gotten my schedule like all of my friends who attended the activities fair/ walk through. first week = late to every class.
2. the whole GSA thing. starting to stress me out. should i be planning, writing a constitution/mission statement, etc?
3. i haven't done my english summerwork. and my neighbor is my english teacher!
4. i don't want to be the only gay freshman (or student at all for that matter).
5. i'm super shy.

i know, 1 & 3 should be my priorities. . . but what really is making me stress is 2 & 4.
a GSA is very new to my school. gay/gay friendly literature hasn't even gotten into students' (besides mine & close friends') hands yet.
the only people i know that are going to be accepting are the drama geeks. i'd love to see J's brother help me on this one *snickers*
she always said he was gay. and i never believed her... i still don't.
& #5 is just wonderful. i hate how shy i am. i really do. because, if you met me in real life, i'd be like "hi..." and that's all you'd hear of me the whole night. unless you mention george bush. i hate him with a passion. :]
====
onto a new subject. and, in advance: i'm sorry for how long my blogs are. i just love to write. and, yeah, i know, i'm not good at it. but it's an outlet. ... and outlet that's less harmful than cutting (we'll get into that later)
====
anyway, i wanted to talk about something elseee.
uh... how about L?
:[ i haven't mentioned her in a while.
... because she hasn't been on my mind.

her IM info says "i think i love you, but so does someone else..." & i want to know who that is! i could ask her, but it'd be weird. i think she knows i had a crush on her (i forgot to mention that as soon as i saw J the other day, all of my feelings for L vanished).

on to J. i miss her. i really do. i know she doesn't care, and that really hurts, because we once used to be inseperable. we hung onto eachother everywhere we went. at parties and dances, she'd always hold my hand or something, because she didn't want to lose me and i was the only one she really knew. before she met me, she hung out with only the band geeks and her brother's weird (yet adorable) theatre friends. after she met me, she was a social butterfly. i keep thinking back to last year (mainly football pre season for the highschool) and how much i miss it. just random shit... like, when we were watching rent, and i fell asleep. i wake up, hear that the movie is over... and i see her standing over me, smiling.
and when we were at one of my brother's games, and i had to hold her because it was freezing. or when we were leaving the one highschool game, and flirting, and i started strutting (making fun of her idol, tyra.. or something) and she came up and slapped my butt, and then started walking with our arms around eachother. ... or the pens games... when she put her hand against mine, and curled her fingers in... and we had a moment, but of course Sid scored & tied the game. :P.. or the ride home, her looking at ringtones for me, and putting on kiss the girl while i'm leaning close to her face. i remember stopping, leaning back, and saying, "NO." & she understood completely, and said, "crush?" or "oh.. her?"

ugh. i have to go. tired + sleeping on the couch tonight = bed before 4AM.
besides.. i'm not even home. i'm at my aunts (long story, i'll probably post tomorrow... or, today, in 7 minutes)

peacee.

there's something on my mind that i know if i don't write down and let out of me, will probably cause me to explode.

i can't stop thinking about J.
i haven't been able to since i saw her both at kennywood and on community day. after cmu. day, she randomly texted me (i saw you today... and yesterday :o), which i found incredibly weird b/c, well... we aren't friends.

& then i began thinking back to when we were friends. it's been mainly selective memories. like, her sleeping over for the first time. us up until 4 AM, watching rent, listening to her sing and play piano. and all of the highschool football games we went to. something that stuck into my mind, though, is something i know she doesn't remember:

she was majorly crushing on a guy, who i'll call W because i have a feeling i'll be talking about him later on. J's not usually the shy type, but when it comes to the opposite sex... she blanks. her and i were talking about it one day last october, over IM or text, and she asked me
"well, what do i say to him?"
(i find it horribly sad that i still remember my answer.)
"okay. here - i've been wanting to say this for a while. i really like you and... will you go out with me?"
(pause)
"whoa. for a second there i thought you were seriously asking me..."
(another pause.)
"... i was."
she doesn't respond.
"ahahah! JK." i answer.

and just tonight, i was talking to maura, who one of maybe... 3 people i trust 200%.
my parents are trying to force me into being assistant band manager (they wanted band manager, but scott, my hot friend, took it) and i REALLY don't want it.
i told maura, and her first reaction was, ":] i'll see you"
this is a big deal because maura and i don't really hang out all that often.
well, we've never hung out. we started talking last year... and never really stopped. IM, text.... etc.
anyway, i was talking to her about it, and said "i don't want to do anything like that. i want to attempt at starting the GSA, and otherwise be completely invisible."
after a while, i said what was on my mind the most, "i'll see j."
and she replied, "Good."
"not good."
"yes good"
"if i just stay away long enough, the feelings'll fade" at this, i start to tear up. lately i've been super emotional about this subject.
"it doesn't work like that."
"i want more than anything for them to just GO AWAY."
"but they won't." i completely break down when i read this.

i don't understand why it's so hard for me to get over this crush.
it's.
just.
a.
crush.
...
or maybe it isn't. i don't know how i feel right now, but i want every romantic feeling i ever had towards her absoloutely gone.
maybe it would have been better if she never moved here in the first place. that would make things WAY less complicated.
i probably wouldn't have ever come out if it wasn't for her, though.
but, L wouldn't have come out either. or K. ... or (i'm thinking of nicknames as i go along) H.
and i wouldn't be the school dyke. (which i don't mind sometimes. [most of] the boys at my school are icky)

i didn't think i was going to have anything to post today, until i saw this video. J sent it to me over facebook, and i'm not sure why.

at first, i thought it was just a religious thing, not a big deal, and then i began to feel uncomforable while watching it.

for anyone that watches it: any comments or anything on it?

well, tomorrow i think i'm going to see paramore and john mayer...
i'm not sure. i haven't talked to paige, who said she got the tickets, in weeks.

i haven't seen the girl since june 10th. paige, the same girl who's been to fall out boy, evanescence, and a ton of other concerts with me. she's my concert buddy. and i miss herr. i haven't seen her all summer, and now it's over and i still haven't seen her.

and i'm school shopping online while typing this. hollister makes me so self concious. even hollister online... i'd never fit into any of their clothes >:[ i don't know why i go on that.

and abercrombie is even worse. the women's page is a shirtless girl with a flat tummy and skinny jeans. and it's killing me.

i have a bad urge to go to logo online. and i know i'll get in trouble when it shows on the history.

and now i think i'm going to bed. i have to start going to sleep earlier to get used to getting up at the buttcrack of dawn when school starts.

six days and counting. *sighs* i want more summer!

today somehow sucked and was amazing at the same time.

it was community day today, and as soon as it started, i got a call from G. he missed me ^-^. so i hung out with him & his baby sister, Robyn. she's adorable. she ran up and hugged me, and he yelled "she's a lesbian! look out!" i got kind of pissed. i mean, she's barely 9 years old. G and i flirted for a little, and then i got a call from erin, and hung out with her. erin is one of my (few actual) best friends, and the most supportive person ever, & is amazing w/ advice and making me feel better, etc. and her boyfriend & a bunch of other people. erin and i walked past j, and (i'm convinced erin can sense when i'm upset without even looking at me) stopped, pulled me into a hug, and said, "babe, this must be so hard for you. i don't know how you do it. but i love youu!" so after she said that, i was basically okay for most of the day. we sang and laughed and made fun of her boyfriend mainly.

i came out to another friend today. she already knew, she said. i was like... uh.. how? and she explained that she heard the rumor (mike saying "s's a freaking DKYE everyone!") and how she kind of always knew.

and adam (erin's boyfriend) explained how he doesn't like gay people. "well, you see, if i'm playing pool, i don't want to be worried about some fag getting behind me" that pissed me off, but i know him too well to take him seriously.

L finally broke it off with M for good. i'm like YESSSSS! *does cartwheel...and fails miserably* she made him cry XD lmao. for a while there, i thought i had a chance. we talked about her other boyfriend, who i think i called B. i was telling this story to adam about how B wouldn't let go of me when we dated, and i used L to demonstrate. i had my arms wrapped around her for like 4 seconds, and then she said "what the...?" so i pulled away and stayed away from her the rest of the night. every time i hang out w/ her... idk what it is... i just, idk, fall a little.

anywayy, there was a dance thingy. i hated it. someone threw a glow stick, and it landed on me and spilled all over me. at that point, i was about to break down already because of the combination of J and L in one day. i teared up, and just stood there, lip quivering. i was with erin, and she took my glasses, which were covered in neon green gook, and wiped them down until i could see again, and then helped me pull myself together enough to tell L i was leaving... and then I Kissed A Girl came on, and my mood changed. about when franny started going up to two random girls at a time and saying, "KISS! KISS, DAMMIT!" i sang a little of it, and laughed a little, then Shake It came on, and i stayed for most of that before leaving with L. ;]

she walked me back to my friend's house, where my parents were most of today. i had an urge to tell her how i feel, but then tony joined us and walked with us. i think tony likes her or vice versa. *sigh* i'm not sure, but i think i remember us holding hands a little or something. it was that or me trying to leave, but couldn't because she was facing me, holding onto my fingertips and making sure i was okay. she's so cute like that. she worries too much about me sometimes. i remember turning to leave, and her hugging me and i didn't really want to let go. after that, i hung out with a bunch of little kids up at my friend's. L came up after the fireworks to say goodbye again, and i got another hug. :] by then, i probably smelled like dog from that random puppy i kept playing with.

i want to go back and repeat only the good things about today.
... like, all of us, sitting on the cliff (not really a cliff. just really steep hill that almost killed me) in a line, and just talking and hanging out.

oh, and i forgot to mention, my friend's little sister flung chocolate icecream around and it landed, of course, on my white tank top.
not just on it, but right on my boob, and right in the center, to be more exact. laurena said it looked like a nipple.

i'm completely sore all over, and it's totally worth it.

i just got home from kennywood. today i spent all day there, and was running around a lot. i saw J today, and broke down. i'm not sure if it was the shock of seeing her for the first time in three monts, or just the fact that she acted like i didn't exist. everything i had built up this summer came crumbling down when i saw her smile.

... i'm so pathetic. my crush is almost a year old and it hasn't gotten anywhere.

and, to make things better, my parents have been talking about my wedding since i got home. i don't even know why. i don't want to get married. and i hate dresses.

*sighs* i can't even get G to agree to hang out with me.

today with E & the cousins sucked. he didn't fking talk at all. and all he wanted to do was smoke. i felt uncomfortable.

so now i'm listening to Hawthorne Heights and missing Casey's voice on their new album.