Dive

One tentative step
Cut through the misty fog

The internal battle rages

“Why am I doing this?”
“It’s the only way out.”

One careful step
Into the falling rain

The logic starts to fail

“There are other ways.”

One innocent step
Closer to the edge

The resolve barrels through

“The only way out
To get what I want.”

One last determined step
Toward the all-consuming sea

Toes feeling out over the edge

“Please.”

One final breath
Before the end

Arms out, knees bent

“Oh, god.”

Headfirst into freedom
All regrets left behind

Monday, May 12, 2008 1:54:32 PM
I tell the world I don’t care, when I really do. I tell the world I don’t mind being alone, when really all I want is to be held. I am so used to the isolating side of my life that I am like a dry sponge when it comes to other young lesbian women.
Is a simple hug to much to ask? Is it wrong for me to want to be held? Why do I feel like something is lacking? Why am I no longer okay within myself? I hold my head high but I crack when I am alone and can let go—like right now.
The nurturing side of my being is so strong right now that I either need a child or a dog to care for. One thing I know is I need my own space and for some reason I suddenly feel like I don’t have my own space.

what do you think?

Sinking beneath the sheets are the spirits that lie within us
Taking breaths between the words that creep and slip in between us
A silhouette is formed by shadows cast from the moon that carries the sky
It binds the broken light that creates night and tangles you and I
Within the darkness of a world that burdens all of us so deeply
The secret moments spent between you and I are celebrated briefly
And as the leaves blow sweetly a song that I have never heard
I reach within the light of night to find the answers that keep me assured
And in my glory of this night a story writes itself in words
A brand new life is being created; a broken heart is being cured

So.

My friend "Launce"...we drifted apart majorly after the last time I told Gwen to shove off and leave me alone. There's some serious devotion loyalty thing there (Haha Launce and Gwen, get it?) and I guess I should have expected that. I've gotten a little used to the idea that Launce and I will never be as tight as we were...but dammit, I really miss that punk sometimes.

We still email and he has a deviantArt account and notifies me whenever he posts new work. But it makes me sad to see how his art has changed and sad to think that, although he visits Gwen, he hasn't seen me more than once since this all went down, and that was only cause Gwen asked him to. I just have to laugh though, when I look at the parallels that go with the names I choose to give all of my friends:

Haddie, the most loyal friend I could ever hope to be graced with.(Galahad, most loyal to King Arthur. In most legend, the one knight who found the Holy Grail. Gotta love 'im!)

Launce, the one who Gwen kinda left me for and the one who took off when I turned my back on her. (Launcelot, had an affair with Guinevere and took off when Arthur set her aside.)

Gwen, the first love, the first girlfriend, the cause of numerous emotional scars, but still my friend. (Guinevere, the Queen, Arthur's wife who slept with his best friend and still said she loved him in the end.)

Gawain or Wayn, my niece/best friend who hasn't really done anything except be there for me in any way she can...but she did go out with Gwen for a while...(Gawain, Arthur's nephew and the one who kinda caused all the knights to take off on a wild goose chase to find the Holy Grail.)

Tristan, the friend who moved away and hasn't been heard from since. (Tristan, the pure, the knight who set off on a quest for, Mother Night, perfection????? I think. And wasn't heard or seen of till chapter 15...XD)

Yeah, I'll stop murdering you with the only history I cared enough to remember. It's been fun kids, and now I feel better, believe it or not.

Peace, yo.

----Arthur :P

It's been a long, long time.. What's happened since I've been gone?
I went to California for spring break, quit my job and now I have 2 offers from places that are soooo much nicer than the shithole I was working at. They pay better too.
I'll try to get some pics from my trip on here soon.
later ya'll

As an update,I am completely and utterly broken up with Heather.We don't talk to each other,we don't run into each other,we don't even acknowledge the fact we went out to begin with. Its kinda sad though,I thought we could at least be friends.
So on,yesterday Jesse and some of her friends rented P2 for me to watch. For anyone who hasn't seen or heard about it,its about this girl who on Christmas eve is taken hostage by a security guard at her job and well thats all I can say. Anyway it wasn't scary,just too realistic sorta,I mean it could so happen.The point was Jesse picked out a movie that wasn't about lesbians for once!There are only so many lesbian movies,we saw Gray Matters ten times. Anyway in P2 there is a scene where the girl is running from the security guys dog,and well she kills the dog,VIOLENTLY MAY I ADD. Why is it that they have to use dogs.Why can't they use birds,snakes or spiders. Matter of fact why can't they use cats,their just as deadly as a dog and it would be totally unexpected.

That's my new facebook religion. Facebook religions are so interesting to me, what people put and why. I think it says a lot about our generation as a whole. A generation of extreme opposites, those who know (or think they know) and then those who put stupid, insignificant things like me to hide their true doubt.

I really have nothing against religion in fact I envy and respect people who have it, in certain instances of course. Those being, I have more respect for people who have struggled with their faith and have have doubted it then those who are just a product of their parents or their culture. My view on faith is basically what Kierkegaard says in Fear & Trembling: faith like life is struggle and full of anguish. You take a leap of faith in fear and trembling but by doing this your closer to god. I haven't done that yet, perhaps some day I will. I'm just so tired of being jaded and not caring, I want a cause, I want a god, or at least something t care about.

I gave up smoking today, for at the very least the summer and the very most for good. I was never really that addictive or anything, the only time it will be hard is when I'm out on the weekends. But its just a really stupid thing to do to your heath, i mean we only have 70-80 good years anyway so why shorten it. Anyways that's my main goal right now.

This year was so weird for me. I love the friends I made and such but i feel really lazy. I've always (at least partly) defined myself by my grades and this year my grades aren't bad but their certainly not good. It's just weird, I'm not gonna lie, I realize that the university I'm in is hard and I barely got in, the people (including my friends) are all just so smart sometimes it terrifies me to even speak or voice my opinions. I'm sure I'll get over it, i guess i already have for the most part, but it still lingers here and there.

I'll be staying here for the summer because I'm taking a sumer course, I plan to double major and to graduate on time, its summer classes for me. The regina spektor song summer in the city keeps playing through me head, such a beautiful song. Perhaps this summer will bring change, perhaps this summer will be unforgettable. I hate sounding so passive, but right now I'm just so tried from this year. I go right into sumer classes after my last exam, and i have no energy to try and make a change right now.

This is just late night rambling instead of studying for my psych exam.

at butter beats in the valley i bought the clockwork orange soundtrack for $10 and $5 for the original broadway recording of dreamgirls. the dude had a smirk at dreamgirls, but we'd talked about john waters so it was cool. really friendly guy, i always end up chatting with staff down in the valley :P

but yeah, i havent been able to find either recording on cd, but i found them on vinyl lol and cheap, too.

So I know that I said that I wasnt going to post on here for awhile, but I was really happy about the following, and wanted to share:
My sister, the one who was "cured" of her bisexuality 'through her faith", just informed me that she does like a girl, and that she is okay with that.

.fuck.yes.

(its not that im overly excited to have a queer sister, but excited that my very obviously queer sister has decided to ignore her southern baptist upbringing and accept that part of herself.)

Ok, let me first preface this by saying that this is not a 100% guarantee or a done deal. Let me also preface with the fact that I realize marriage is not for everyone and there is a fairly large faction of the LGBTQ community opposed to marriage as an institution at all, however the fact is that marriage is one way that our society says who's in and who's out, so in that respect, and for other reasons as well, gay marriage is important.

Ok, on with the show. Today I met Kate Kendall, the executive director of the National Center for Lesbian Rights (NCLR). She came and spoke to my class (the one in which I needed to get the internship, LifeWorks, blah blah blah you know the back story) as we have a different e.d. from the various LGBTQ organizations each week come and talk. Previous speakers include Chuck Wolfe of the Gay and Lesbian Victory Fund, Neil Guilianno of GLAAD, Lori Jean of the LA Gay and Lesbian Center, etc. ANYWAY, Kate said that she suspects a ruling to come down this Thursday (15 May 2008) on the gay marriage case that NCLR is lead counsel on that was argued before the California Supreme Court in March. She also said that the general consensus is that it's a ruling in our favor. :-D squee! This is especially important here in California because there will be a measure on the ballot in November aimed at banning gay marriage via amending the California State Constitution. Should the ruling go in our favor, people start getting married over the summer, it makes it THAT much harder to pass the measure amending the constitution.

So, again, whatever your personal beliefs about marriage are, I think we can all agree that this is a very important issue and a big step in the right direction for LGBTQ rights.

Health class. We're in the Sex-Ed, relationships unit. Splendid. And We have to write our wedding vows. Splendid. But you know Mr. health teacher, I CAN'T GET MARRIED YOU STUPID IGNORANT SEXIST DEUCHE BAG! Oh , and by the way Ross's first girlfriend didn't "Turn gay" in friends. It doesn't work that way. And who says that cave woman couldn't have hunted? Huh?

Ok, so its not even that the class, or he, is that bad, its just that for the past week we've been talking about what girls like in boys and what boys like in girls, and how boys and girls are different blah blah blah blah. Basically nothing I can relate to, only more reasons for me to dislike the majority of teenage boys, and a total waste of time.

I don't know, he just keeps talking about marriage, about long term marriage, about sex before marriage, and more marriage, and more marriage, and you know what health class teacher? I. can't. get. married.
Got it?

Anyway, I wrote the vows/ poem/ thing- to our future spouse anyway because I had to. I kept mine because I kind of liked it, even if i didn't like the assignment. You can stop reading now, but here they are:

This is everything.
And when I say that I mean it.
Humour my melodrama and over-romantacism here,
because this is everything.
Everything.
I don't believe in going back,
and I don't believe in breaking things.
Once we're here, we're here.
And If I'm here it means a lot.
A lot about you, A lot about me,
A lot about us.
It means I know all you faults
and I love you anyways.
It means that I think you are the only one I ever want to be with.
It means your intelligent, sincere,
that we're both completely honest with each other.
It means that even though we know each other so well,
we still think we're both interesting,
And we genuinely like each other,
love each other.
It means we're not going to let the little things bother us.
It means I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
That's everything.
This is everything.

And that's it. Except for my title. We read this Maya Angelou poem in English class today "Phenomenal Woman" I think is the title or something very close to that, anyway i have to write a poem tonight about something I'm phenomenal at, or how I'm phenomenal.

I think I'm going to write about how I'm phenomenal at mediocrity.

After spending the majority of my seventeen years of life perfectly planned as to where I would be attending college, I know find myself, after three days of "intense" research on colleges, having absolutely no clue where I want to go. It isn't the problem of what major I want to pursue or how much money I have to achieve my college goal, no, it's about what campus I want to have my education commence upon. With the inept ex coming to Davis so her education the drive to leave Sacramento has become more of a necessity than a goal. But where do I want to go? What sites do I wish to have around me? What kind of people do I wish to be around? Sonoma State seems like an amazing college and has a beautiful campus, but is a known party school. Sac State has a high ranking music program, but that is closer to an ex than I want to be. And San Francisco State is another amazing college, but can I honestly afford to live in that area? My head is about to explode! Why is it now I need a pretty piece of paper telling me I have knowledge on music? What does that say about my teaching abilities? What does that honestly say about my knowledge? Why are colleges so greedy? $150 for a book I may not use very often and will be obsolete the next semester. When did I lose myself and my assurance about where I wanted to go? Why does this all have to be so complicated? I need to go fill out yet another scholarship application. Anyone know a good one for an ambidextrous, vegetarian, Jewish, Italian Lesbian with 500+ hours of community service?

For the past three nights I've had dreams all including a very cute straight girl. In two of them, she ignores me pretty much. Says things to me as an acquaintance would, casual, nonchalant. She asked me to get the pastel.

In real life, we're in the same art class. Bears resemblance to Alexis Bledel, president of the Environmental Club, plays basketball, a junior. Bluest eyes, it's hard to look straight at them. She's really very attractive. And seemingly, very straight. I've probably mentioned her before.

In real life, we barely talk. She probably doesn't even know my last name, and doesn't know anything else about my life besides that I can draw, I'm a lesbian, and I have trig [one time I overheard her say "I wish there was someone with trig in here" and I turned around and said "what do you need help with?" She let me borrow her homework and I let her borrow mine. She has sloppy writing. Mine is chicken scratch].

My first dream went splendidly. We kissed, and we dated. She worked as a security guard with another girl I know [who I think likes me ten times better because I'm gay] and for some reason they were stationed in my driveway. It's all hazy now, but I certainly remember kissing her. I was thrilled, and I guess days had gone by, and I was sitting with the other security guard [it wasn't cutestraightgirl's shift] wondering if I should text or call or anything.

Eventually we bumped into eachother and she agreed to be my girlfriend. The rest of the dream wasn't as exciting.

And then two more dreams after that, where I was willing to row across a lake to get pastel for her and the rest of the art class, and one where she wouldn't even say hi to me when she passed me, we were in eyeshot at all times, and she was wearing a bathing suit. Towards morning I kept waking up, going back to sleep, and I always wanted to fall back asleep so I could go talk to her.

Perhaps this is a crush.

I watched Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants yesterday with my mom. Sure a chick flick, but so hot when Alexis Bledel takes her shirt and pants off and jumps into ocean water. That's probably where the whole bathing suit thing came from in my dream.

And also:

My friends played [and got slaughtered at] wiffle ball. Our team name was Thor's Hammer. We tucked our shirts in, wore headbands and sunglasses, and one of my friends looked like one of the Dykes on Bikes. We at least looked like dykes.

and for a better idea of my haircut:
http://i39.photobucket.com/albums/e179/_photographica/oasis/icecreamcurl...

http://i39.photobucket.com/albums/e179/_photographica/oasis/icecreamcurl...

this weekend, i have:

officially entered my first sam's club. it's as strange and overwhelming as i imagined it would be. i doubt i'll be returning.

got lost in my own hometown before realizing it was exactly where i thought i was, a little too late.

slept waaay too much. had weird dreams. really weird dreams.

tried my first beer. Guinness. ehhh....tasted all right. not much of an alcohol drinker. i'll stick to massive amounts of caffeine. :)

realized that i have absolutely no life goals, have no marketable talents, no skills, and no ambitions other than to be happy.

on another note:

in spanish we were talking about life goals and one girls says, "I want to be rich. I want to be well off.....Money can buy happiness you know..."

So Saturday morning wake up and account for mystery bruises and grubby knees. Had gone to bed with the birds singing, first night out in months where I haven't cried, haven't left early, haven't left sad.

We drink and dance. I drink more than usual, dance more than usual. Same old pub, same old club. The dj is terrible, I mean terrible and normally this is a pretty good night- indie, motown and disco- but does it matter? We were almost the only girls there which made us hot property. Sometimes intimidating, sometimes fun. Let a Russain speaking man with a French accent who never lives more than seven years in one country buy me a drink, flirted with his friend. When asked if I have a boyfriend go from "total lesbian" to "it's complicated", as the night drags on because, well, I don't know. Because I haven't spent enough time on feministing.com to turn down a free drink once I start to run out of cash? Feel ashamed. Dance and dance and dance. Go to the toilets to see our sweaty faces. First time ever the queue for the ladies' is shorter than the queue for the gents. We look a mess by 3.00am (and probably sooner) but it doesn't matter.

It must be summer because we're out without wearing tights. I fall down on the dancefloor get heaved back up by my friends, I'm not drunk it's just my heels are high and the floor is wet. Explains the dirty knees. But not the mystery bruises.

Drag AC to one side, demand to know why I'm flirting with all these men.
Because it's funny, she says. None of us went home with anyone.
In transit from pub to club rather than icy silence I shout back at the groups of boys who call out to our group of girls, me, AC, RL and two friends without acronyms, and we laugh, not because I'm being especially funny but because the night is funny.

So eventually they stop the music and I get a taxi home. Talk to the cabbie about starsigns and wanting to be a journalist. Drink tea, eat toast watch Starksy and Hutch at four in the morning.

And Saturday I spend slowly, black coffee and a bacon sandwich. Buy books and records from a charity shop. Try to mend my crappy turntable. It only works if you hit it. To chage the RMP you just have to slap it harder. I'm buying a new record player.

Worked in the Shop With No Customers today, no customer so I stood outside and blew bubbles with a coffee stirrer and a cup of washing-up liquid.

And just now we had a barbeque in the back garden, dog ambled, bonfire smelt of vanilla, air smelt hot and after me and my siblings clear the table and dance savagely to songs from musicals, the Long Blondes and the Buzzcocks.

I don't really want to go to UCL any more, I want to go to Goldsmiths. If I get an A in my biology resit I have to go to UCL, but if I don't I go to Goldsmiths. It's almost a dilema, but it's in the lap of the gods and god this is what happiness was and is still. I'm happy again. How quickly that happened. Eight months of the dark over my eyes and then a miracle, faith healer, pagan gods, migration who knows? But happiness and fear, of course, but normal fear.

Listening to Puccini now on my useless record player. I like the sound of dust and crackle. And I'm happy.