I get to hear stories about how daring she was with Cinthya. I get to hear about how she stood up to her parents and told them Cinthya was coming over for 4th of July. I begin to wonder if maybe I was more like Cinthya I too would get to have her stand up for me. Instead I am the hopeless romantic who cracks jokes about her parents knowing about us again but never being able to get the edge of sarcasm off of it each time I bring it up.

its official! i hate fireworks! and i do NOT have to go to the anti gay thing! woop!

so.. i'm in paainn...
i was at my cousin's highschool grad party for like.. eight hours? carrying around my three year old cousin for most of it.
i was left in charge of, like, 20 elementary school kids. and they deciced it would be fun to build a bridge across a creek at the edge of the property and then climb up the eroded hillside. and then throw rocks the size of a small horse down the hillside... at me.
in the end, though, i learned how to control them.
i made up a new form of baseball. :)

So yeah. I had asked my mom if we could go to Starbucks. So we do, and while we're there, she talks to me about when I should have sex, and about pregnancy, and the whole straight sex talk. She doesn't know I'm queer, so I was like "Omigod" through the whole thing. And then she makes sex references, and I'm thinking, "TMI. I'm a lesbian!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" It was surreal.

lol. random right? yup it kinda just popped into my head. so i typeded it.lol.hmmm i think i am gonna go with mom tomorrow. i need to get out of this damn house. i might have cabin fever. i mean sometimes when dad says we're gonna go out i get all anxious to leave. well most of the time anyway. he noticed a while back and he basically said "what.the.fuck?" but in a nicer, not so vulgar way. lol. actually im kinda anxious for tomorrow. and sunday. im gonna try and go hang out at my cousin's pad.

Her: "Guess what."
Me: "what?"
Her: "Chickenbutt"
Minor laughter...
Me: "Oh, I got a better one. guess what."
Her: "what?"
Me: "I love you"
Deep breath from her side.
Her: "I love you too"
Major butterflies....

my parents are considering going to a anti gay thingy >.< they may make me go! oh nos! i need to come up with excuse not to!

Well, I'm completely new at this, but I feel like I need to get it out somehow. I'm starting my freshman year of college this coming August and I'm confused. I just think life would be so much easier if I were straight, but I think I'm a lesbian. For the past few months, I've felt myself being attracted to women and I have these feelings I can't explain. I can't talk about it - my friends are pretty accepting of my liberal views and they aren't judgmental, but they're conservative and I don't want to rock the boat before I leave for college. I just wish I could figure all of this out.

hellooo! does anyone go to club deko is sayerville? if so, are you going friday night?

47 days until I'm at USC.

47 days until I'm free from my parents, and I can be who I want to be not just for 7 hours a day while I'm at school or the few hours I'm with friends on the weekend, but 24/7.

47 days until I'm living in a city for the first time in my life, and culture and diversity and GAY PEOPLE will be alive all around me, rather than being merely dusted over like crops, out of Midwestern suburbia's flawless conservative eyesight, which sees only the things it is willing to accept.

(this is a story i wrote in like february but i wanted to post it)

the train rattled clumsily down the track. she stared at the window, but the torrential rain outside ran down the dingy glass in rivulets, obscuring any landscape there might have been. the train swayed slightly from side to side and the dim light on the ceiling swayed with it, casting sickening, moving shadows throughout. the train car smelled musty and damp, and most of the torn seats were stained dark—it was anyone’s guess what color they’d originally been.

i waited.

I've spent the past week vegetating at home. Not exercising, moving in anyway..and I haven't left the house in 2 days. It's been raining here, too, so I don't even need to go outside to water my vegetable garden.

geez. I WILL be going to the beach on sunday. I will be going to the beach with my parents, who are dragging me along because their friends invited them, and everybody there my age is some frisbee-maniac, so they'll throw a stupid disc around for the whole day. Maybe I'll just swim laps or jog up and down the beach for six hours. Yeah, right.

I hate when a female wants to fight over another girl. Ok soo your girl left you for me. but if i didnt know she had a girl you cant blame me for that. Honestly, she left you for a fucking reason . Damn. i hate overprotective jealous females.... GET OVER IT.

That was kind of personal huh? maybe i should calm down. yea... uhm.. maybe it was the energy drink or maybe it was the fact that i havent fought any one in a really long time. sooooo yea. I hope the bitch trys me. I really do. I would love to beat her ass in front of my ex.

I like to sing.
It's fun and it makes me feel better.
Since everything has been shitastic recently.
Listening to the Hives is probably the most therapeutic.
I love blowing out my eardrums when I have them full blast on my Ipod.
I like their old stuff better though.
More chaotic and noisy.
Their new album is all melodic and stuff.
Not so good. Lol.
And the kooks. Love them.
Hmmm... What else?
I'm workin tomorrow.
In the fry trailer. Yay free fries!! Lol.
And I really need to go to the main library. I need more books and I'm on the hunt for new music.

thats what my dad said when he saw how small the legs on my jeans were, "um cause they fit, duh..." hahaha. that was funny...you kinda had to be there though XDDDDDD. so yeah its offcially official. AlwaysFallingDeeper and i are in a relationship "whoo...hoo" lol :D. and kids (5 and up) are annoying and loud. and interrupting. lol. i dont really have anything good to say.....should i just rant? hahaha if you said "no" then i will just rant anyways. if you said "yes"...i'll still rant anyways.lol. hm im gonna go get mah hair cut in a bit (really?