A few days ago I went with my father to pick up some speakers he had bought, and I fell asleep in the car on the way home. When I went to get out the door I saw a crane fly right next to where my face was, at most a couple of inches away. The next day I was walking my dog and the same crane fly flew right in front of me. The day after that (yesterday) it was in my room, flying around me. And just now it was outside my window, trying to get in my room. What the fuck is this?
This month has been mostly a hell, the first week of it I was really depressed and my parents made things worse, I tried to kill myself twice, I made more cuts and my birthday really sucked, I spent all day holding tears at school, faking smiles and lying to my parents saying to them that I had a good day and that I was really tired, I actually cried all night at home and thought a lot of suicide and why I had failed last time (2 days before); some times I get some little euphoric or maniac episodes and after they're gone I feel worse.
I am officially done with high school as of tomorrow. It's honestly kinda hard to wrap my head around that fact. But it's over now. I survived what many consider to be the most socially awkward, horrifically embarrassing phase of human life.
So I have these two friends and the both of them are like really good friends of mine.
Friend K is my trusted friend who I trust above everyone else. We don't get to hangout very often but I know that I can call her whenever I need to for advise or anything else. She was the first person I came out to in college and she took me clothes shopping in the women's section for the first time, and I just feel like she'll always be there for me if I need support.
Well, a couple of days ago I was hanging out with my friend Robert, the only person who knows I'm bi. This girl, Trisha, was with us. She's not really a friend of mine, more of a friend of a friend. Anyways, Robert made some joke or comment that I responded to. It wasn't offensive, but my response indicated to my queerness. Anyways, Trisha got nosy and started asking what Robert told me. I couldn't tell her what he said though, because then I would have to come out.
View and listen to what a group of young gays and their supporters have done in South Korea:
Oasis is back up again. Figure it's easier for me to post something new so you know rather than having to sort it out...
So, this has been one hell of a roller coaster of a week. literally.
Firstly, there was the family drama with the mom and the sister and the moving of things from my dad's house in MT back to Washington, which was a fucking logistical nightmare...three households worth of crap to move in four days, sort through, consign, take to the dump, etc...
Yesterday was our big date. "Texting and scones," and all. A picnic in the Arboretum. With scones.
Also with lots of snogging.
of fantastic snogging.
As she would say - it's cute how words fail her so often even though she's an English major - "So, that's a thing."
'Perpetually single' has been a major part of who I am for so long - in a way this feels kind of unreal... but not really. Maybe that she's not real but I'm not either and we both inhabit almost the same plane of not-reality? I don't know...
I saw two movies recently. Last night I watched a Serbian film called A Serbian Film. It's my new favorite movie. It has a great soundtrack, too.
Today I watched a movie called John Dies at the End. It was how I imagine doing acid would be like. Which is kind of relevant, since I checked out the Silk Road a couple days ago and found some cheap drugs. Now I want to do acid.
I’m starting to wonder if I’m just an outsider by nature, and if that’s ever going to change. I was sort of hanging out with friends today, but I felt kind of invisible because I wasn’t participating in the conversation. I’m just really introverted and live in my head a lot. If I could just get the hang of finding some common interests and carrying conversations. Unfortunately, this made me think of Beth, because I could always talk to Beth about anything so easily.
After watching what Chase and Jake did I was equally disgusted and curious about what I had seen. It was really all I could think about sometimes, and it bothered me.
What troubled me even more was sneaking peeks at the magazine hidden under Chase's mattress, seeing the biggest penis I had ever seen deeply stuck in the other guy and the expression on his face. I couldn't decide if it was a look of pain or pleasure, but I know Chase and Jake seemed to like what was happening. As disgusted as I was it was something I needed to try.
I've had an eventful past couple of weeks, I suppose. Guess whose last day of high school is May 8th!? MINE! And only Tuesday day is a full day. Monday is a half day, and Wednesday is like one class only. Graduation isn't until the week after next, but my last day of actual classes is the 8th. After that, there's only the AP English exam. And now I don't have to go into school until 10 a.m. because my dual enrollment class ended. It doesn't feel like this is actually happening to me, you know?
You may never read this, but I need you to know that I still love you with all my heart and soul. I feel my heart warm up and my stomach tingle with butterflies when I think about you. I cry when I remember all the times we fought and argued. I can't regret those times because they made us stronger. Even after all of those things, I still love you more than life itself.
I'm auditioning for Oliver! My mom found out that the local professional theatre is putting it on and auditions are really soon. All I have to do is learn one of the songs they provided and I could get the role of my dreams, the Artful Dodger! (Or the young female lead, the "rude yet flirtatious" Charlotte)
I've decided to go with Dodger's "Consider Yourself." My strength is belting, and the song is perfect for my range. I REALLY hope that I get the role. It would make my memories of this year much better. Plus, it could start me on the road to being the next Ethel Merman!