Hello!

I'm Riley (my middle name), I'm 15, and live in Florida although I'm originally from Minnesota, moving here two years ago. While this is my first time writing on here, I've been a loyal Oasis reader for over a year now. I finally decided to stop lurking because I think it's time that I start being a part of the gay community, even if it's just online. I'm not out so using my first name on here isn't something I'm comfortable with just yet.

I missed my chance with death, I had the razor going down on my wrists, blinded by emotions, tears streaming down my face and my fucking brain told me to not do it tonight just because today my aunt had her birthday. Typical from me, missing my chances with good things just to make people happy. Anyways I made a tiny cut that will be hard to cover and another 10 that I'll have to explain in 2 weeks if they don't heal fast. I'm fucked up.

Extra information:
This day and last week had been so good (except my suicide night).

So I need to vent and I'm back.

For a while, my OasisJournals wouldn't work for me. Then it began working but I forgot to sign in. I'd remember to do so and then sit down to do it and forget. Which brings me to one of the main things I need to vent about.

I am having a ton of trouble with my memory. I'm not sure if its partially a social phobia/anxiety -related issue or what. But I forget what I'm saying in the middle of a sentence. And I've been very forgetful. I feel like I'm making less sense when I talk but I don't know if that's just a misperception I have.

hey can some people help me out? Ive been under alot of distress recently about who I am. I dont know if Im gay of Bi, or even straight. My sexuality feels like its changing. Like about two weeks ago I was constantly thinking about women. I was thinking about how beautiful they were. I loved everything about them. In fact during a festival that weekend I was over my friends house, and he has this foreign exchange student from saudi arabia and shes very pretty. She usually ignores me but this time she was talking to me, she made me some kind of tea.

After 7 deaths of students in one and a half years, a fanatically determined clutch of school board members who were "doing God's will" very begrudgingly relented after much kicking and screaming in the wake of public opinion and court orders.

Take heart! This is what can happen if sanity is allowed to prevail:

"Anoka-Hennepin schools: Gay bullying has eased after lawsuit settlement"

http://www.twincities.com/ci_22700794/anoka-hennepin-schools-gay-bullyin...

Well, things are not so bland anymore at all. Wow. And yes, this is related to The Girl, but it's bad for me. There has been a new... development, so to speak. It won't get out of my head. I learned a hard lesson this week, friends: IGNORANCE IS BLISS!

This post is long and kinda weird, just so you know. I'll be impressed if you read it all. I needed to write it out because I think I will go insane if I don't. I kind of feel like I will anyway, which is terrible because I only have 2 and a half more months of school left! I can't go insane now. I'm almost home-free, almost to somewhere normal, but it's like the universe can't let me out of here I without one last really stupid obstacle.

I meant to post this a while ago, but I was distracted by things that will become obvious in the entry itself.