my life is really awful. i don't even want to go into it, but i don't understand why everyone has to fuck with my heart. i just don't get it. and its always by the same people over and over again. sometimes i want to disappear...to fade away and see if anyone notices. but maybe someday i'll find someone who just loves me for me. maybe someday i'll love myself too.

I am so fucking angry i am shaking with rage. i can't even sit still. I am just in total break down mode. i know if i cut right now i would go way too far and most likely end up leaving forever. I don't even know what i am angry about!? I just want to be seen! thats why i don't eat, becasue i am never seen! i just want to be seen for what i am! i don't give a fuck what i look like as long as i am seen! nobody sees me anymore, i am problems, issuses.

In a valiant effort to avoid narcissism and talk about someone other than myself, I'm going to describe the life of Andrew, a crush of mine.

On the way back home, I noticed something all to common in my town. You see, Carmel is a bedroom community, meaning that people sleep here yet work elsewhere for the most part. A side effect is empty streets, save for the people emptying from the high school after the aforementioned play. It was 9:30 on a Friday night, yet Carmel was a ghostown. Sometimes I just want to move.

Damnit, I can't remember this really good quote from "Sure Thing." So instead, I'll substitute something another.

lets see...hmmm
well they don't accept me at all. they can't even look at me anymore. They cringe at my rainbow bracelet, the word CASTRO is like scary to them. I hate the feeling of not being loved. They think crazy things like my school did this to me, it is not fair. Nothing is fair anymore, i think the phrase has lost all meaning. They are always trying to change me, they won't let me form my own identity.

depression really is anger without enthusiasm. this one bloke i really was in love with, who of course didnt like me at all, ran away a bloody few hundred kilometres to a cultural abyss for uni. should i be upset, i dont know anymore. but today, maybe not long ago, he got in the car on the way to glorious where-i'm-not town. its like high-school love of my life, gone running away, probably oblivious completely.

Lets get this clear, I am a go getter. I pretty much see something I want and I go for it, I see something I think needs to be done and I do it. I'm ambitious. And it pisses me off and makes me so frustrated to be closeted to the majority of my peers. I mean, I can't stand up for myself when I want to, I can't say something I am really feeling, and what's worse, I can't just be silent - I have to lie! I have to say "yes, blah blah blah, I would like to see that [horrible aweful terrible unrealistic] movie.... yes I don't mind that [sexist demeaning sick] song that you wanted to listen to. Because if I disagree I would have to explain myself and I'm (insert mocking tone here) too afraid.