Yesterday was our big date. "Texting and scones," and all. A picnic in the Arboretum. With scones.
Also with lots of snogging.
Lots
of fantastic snogging.
As she would say - it's cute how words fail her so often even though she's an English major - "So, that's a thing."

'Perpetually single' has been a major part of who I am for so long - in a way this feels kind of unreal... but not really. Maybe that she's not real but I'm not either and we both inhabit almost the same plane of not-reality? I don't know...

I saw two movies recently. Last night I watched a Serbian film called A Serbian Film. It's my new favorite movie. It has a great soundtrack, too.

Today I watched a movie called John Dies at the End. It was how I imagine doing acid would be like. Which is kind of relevant, since I checked out the Silk Road a couple days ago and found some cheap drugs. Now I want to do acid.

I’m starting to wonder if I’m just an outsider by nature, and if that’s ever going to change. I was sort of hanging out with friends today, but I felt kind of invisible because I wasn’t participating in the conversation. I’m just really introverted and live in my head a lot. If I could just get the hang of finding some common interests and carrying conversations. Unfortunately, this made me think of Beth, because I could always talk to Beth about anything so easily.

After watching what Chase and Jake did I was equally disgusted and curious about what I had seen. It was really all I could think about sometimes, and it bothered me.

What troubled me even more was sneaking peeks at the magazine hidden under Chase's mattress, seeing the biggest penis I had ever seen deeply stuck in the other guy and the expression on his face. I couldn't decide if it was a look of pain or pleasure, but I know Chase and Jake seemed to like what was happening. As disgusted as I was it was something I needed to try.

I've had an eventful past couple of weeks, I suppose. Guess whose last day of high school is May 8th!? MINE! And only Tuesday day is a full day. Monday is a half day, and Wednesday is like one class only. Graduation isn't until the week after next, but my last day of actual classes is the 8th. After that, there's only the AP English exam. And now I don't have to go into school until 10 a.m. because my dual enrollment class ended. It doesn't feel like this is actually happening to me, you know?

Dear Caitlin,
You may never read this, but I need you to know that I still love you with all my heart and soul. I feel my heart warm up and my stomach tingle with butterflies when I think about you. I cry when I remember all the times we fought and argued. I can't regret those times because they made us stronger. Even after all of those things, I still love you more than life itself.

I'm auditioning for Oliver! My mom found out that the local professional theatre is putting it on and auditions are really soon. All I have to do is learn one of the songs they provided and I could get the role of my dreams, the Artful Dodger! (Or the young female lead, the "rude yet flirtatious" Charlotte)
I've decided to go with Dodger's "Consider Yourself." My strength is belting, and the song is perfect for my range. I REALLY hope that I get the role. It would make my memories of this year much better. Plus, it could start me on the road to being the next Ethel Merman!