Ever since i came out to my parents my life has changed a lot. They doubt me soo much that i find myself know doubting myself too. I know if i begin to doubt myself my life is gonna get a lot worse. For a while the only thing keeping me semi strong was my very firm understanding of myself. But now as i start to lose that i can almost see myself traveling back in time. I didn't eat for a couple of days and i cut again.

Today is the first day in all i can remeber, where if a knife were in my hand i would not cut. It is a new feeling for me, i feel very alive for once, for the first time in ages i am living, not just alive and breathing, but real living. i love it. I mean i am not super happy i still have problems, but for some reason this night is different and calm in some sense. i like it, i like looking forward to the future instead of dreding it, i like living.

Finished running. Tonight

Earlier this evening I started moaning to myself about missing Rick. I was reminded of all the great stuff in our relationship that I miss, and I would have given anything at that moment to simply hear his voice again.

Why is it that when I have the most free time, I get the least amount of work done?

In my dream something had happened, I don't know what maybe nothing, and I found myself outside a building on the campus of my sister's school (a long way from where I live). I was really sda and really worn from school to the point that when I saw her I just hugged her adn started crying. suddenlly my mom and grandmom were there as well and the building became some sort of mix between Urban Outfitters and Ikea. They were shopping for her and I was just standing around there trying to pull myself together. It was like when i would freak out as a little kid. I have no clue what this means.